Still Here. . .

I'm still here. I'm still coming back to this little corner of the world from time to time when I want life to look like the life I used to know. The one that included my mom, my brother, my friend, an extended family that celebrated together just because it was something to do on a random Sunday thanks to a text from mom. 

In the four years since, I've felt their losses again and again; however, I keep coming back to the blessings. I am still here. I am still consciously working through my grief. I am still trying to find my place in the extended family unit but so grateful for the one contained within my four walls. Life has been both a whirlwind and it's also ground to a screeching halt. Both can be true at the same time. Both are true. For me. 

I turned 51-years-old a month ago. I'd be a liar if I didn't admit that number scares me more than fifty. My mom was diagnosed with stage three breast cancer at 51. I'm not sure why I have it engraved in my head that her path will be mine. Only God decides that. I know this inherently, but my mind still goes to dark places. Yet I claimed that 50 was going to be my YES year--and it really was! I packed so much life into this year, more than I could have imagined because grief can cripple you, too. For a long time I was crippled by the anxiety. But I made a decision to say yes more often than not and the results suprised me! I I can do hard things!

• I ran the Kodiak Ultra Marathon 50k
• Took my 2nd annual girl's trip to Carmel by the Sea
• I went on a pilgrimage to Mexico City and Pueblo.
• Ran the LA Marathon
• First International Trip to Rome, Florence, Italy
• Visited Dublin, Kilkenny, Ireland
• Traveled to Lake Shasta in Redding to visit the grandson
• Traveled to Nashville, Franklin, and Antioch, Tennessee to visit our In n Out All Star
• Ran my 1st World Major: Chicago Marathon
• Took a trip to Las Vegas, Nevada with one of my besties to see New Kids on the Block and Wizard of Oz at the Sphere with her and my dad!

My heart races thinking back to all the living I experienced this year. I saw places I never dreamed I would visit with the people I love the most. Life doesn't have to be lived waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am so proud of this version of myslef who has risen from the ashes to claim her place in the world and to live the way her mom, her brother, and friend would want her to. Do I still get scared? Heck yes. But do I do it anyway? Trying.