Easter 2023

He is risen! Stay risen!

It's in the darkest hour when your thoughts catch up with you. I've been awake since three am. I didn't even try to go back to sleep. Instead, I've been reading these snippets of a life that seems forever ago. I hope one day these blog posts serve as a reminder to my kids of the good life we have been fortunate enough to live.  Maybe it is in this season of mourning that these memories are especially comforting. They remind me,  that was before. This is now.

We just celebrated our first Easter without my mom and brother. To be honest, we have not typically celebrated Easter together since my parent's divorce five years ago so it didn't feel  that  different. I remember the first Easter after they separated and knew being together would be too hard for us, so we began to visit and stay with E's family out of state. It was the one holiday, I told my Mom we had to have with his family. She understood. This year we actually were on a camp trip to wind down multiple conflicting spring breaks. It was good for my senses to be out in nature. I love the beach. My brother loved the beach too. My mom, not so much. . .but she was a good sport about it. The sunrises and sunsets were painted masterpieces across the sky that I needed to see: God's glory in full effect during Holy Week.

We went to church later than usual. We ate dinner with my Dad and Anthony, texted with our oldest and his wife. Lene and I visited Uncle Craig because I know my Mom would have. I missed seeing all the cousins together, but I was right where I needed to be. I'm in a season that needs to figure out what I need. I am missing the people who I shared the most life with. I am giving myself permission to be where I need to be. I am giving myself permission to be who I need to be. I am asking questions that need to be asked as I'm on the rounding up to fifty spectrum. We are making plans just in case, because. . .we've experienced tragedy and then tragedy again. We can never be too prepared.

It's four am. I go to the gym at 5:30. I work at 7:45. In this quiet moment, thoughts of my past bring me comfort and joy. Grief is lonely, even when you are blessed with the most incredible friends, you feel alone in your struggles. Grief and joy, such conflicting emotions as a son readies to turn 18 and graduate. Life keeps moving forward. Ready or not. What is it I want most? Where do I want to go? How do I want to live? These are the questions my three am brain yearns to answer. This post is all over the place. . .kind of like my sleepy three am brain, I guess.

Easter 2023

Uncle Craig: Easter 2023

Wise Words Wednesday

Yes, Pope Francis. Yes.

Letter to my Littles: Purpose

My Dearest Littles,

In my early years, life was all about goals and my future.  I was smart, determined to do well, and true to form today, a total rule follower.  God eventually put me and dad in the same path and almost instantly I knew it would be me and him forever.  The phrase, "you will know when you know. . ." took on a whole new meaning when we met.  He wasn't my ideal mate: he had been married before, had a son, and college wasn't on his radar. But somehow those differences brought us even closer together.  Because of his past, he would be in this relationship for the long haul.  I never doubted that.  Still don't.  To be able to trust someone so completely is a gift I treasure. To not have baggage or a crazy history of on again, off again, or cheating was rare considering the relationship I came from.  But here we are, more together today, fifteen years later if that's even possible. We just complement each other.  Always have.  Always will.. . .because we've made a choice to cherish our wedding vows.  We believe in the covenant we made before God, our family, and friends. There is no other option ever than to work it out.  On this we full heartedly agree.

And then I became a mother and my whole world changed.  It exploded in even brighter colors, if that was even be possible!  All those dreams of moving up the ladder in my career, with my two Master's degrees all but evaporated into thin air, the moment I saw Lene Bean's face.  And today I recognize that I may have squandered some minutes, which turned into hours, which turned into days, which may have even turned into months. . .but I found my true purpose in this lifetime: raising you.  Everything that I had accomplished up to this point was note worthy, but my real fulfillment would be in raising you.

We had to determine that you would know our God.  We made a conscious decision to take you to church even though those days were tough and we would leave weary, but yet we kept going.  We still do. Because we realized:
4Like arrows in the hand of a warrior,
         So are the children of one’s youth.

5How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them;
         They will not be ashamed
         When they speak with their enemies in the gate.--Psalm 127:4

Unbeknownst to us, our arrows would be many:  Little, Lene, Jonathan, Janessa, and eventually Anthony.  Our job? Simply to raise you right, the best way we know how. We were tasked to send our arrows out into this world to bring forth light, to love like He first loved us.  

We don't want you to look at the fragmented pieces of your family tree but instead focus on the roots we have planted here in this home and in your hearts:

"Let your roots grow down into him, and let your lives be built on him. Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness."--Colossians 2:7

Our purpose is simply for you to know the Lord and to raise you to want to do His work.  This is such a huge responsibility in the broken world we live in.  Even bigger sometimes by the brokenness you've encountered in your own family relationships.  But here we are. . .all of us together.  All of us with the same beliefs, the same love for our Lord who laid down His life so that we might live, and live abundantly!  And at the end of my life. . .I (will) have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.--3John 1:4

Love you always & forever,

Mom

Always looking for the love letter: Nessa found a heart on her palm during finger painting

Birthday Wishes to My Biggest Little

My Dearest Lene Bean,

It's that time again!  Birthday wishes are sent your way to celebrate your most special of days!  Baby girl, my first born. . .you are twelve today and my mind absolutely bubbles over with memories that have hopefully made you feel as special as you truly are to us!

I was so scared to send you off to Middle School, but boy, was that completely unnecessary!  You applied yourself so well and worked so hard all year long!  I was so impressed by your ability to receive all A's and that one B in math--for the longest, you focused on math, went to tutoring daily, grew to really like your teacher, and then BAM:  ended the year with straight A's!  Your perseverance paid off Bean!  We are so proud of you!  It wasn't just your grades that impressed us; it was your ability to see people for who they really are, making an extra effort to say hello to your special friends at their lunch table.  You see them and love them.  I love that about you! I also watched as you went against the grain to Christians in Action even when none of your close friends wanted to go. You went anyway.  Love that!  You also conquered a fear and tried out for the Elite singing group:  AND YOU MADE IT!  Let that always serve to remind you that fear should have no place in holding you back.  Face your fears bean. Keep doing so now so your high school and college experiences can be the best yet.  They are right around the corner. . .unbelievable!

You and I are so different in so many ways.  You love the spot light.. You call things out as you see them, unafraid of conflict.  You dream big and sometimes my tendency is to reign you in BUT I shouldn't. You have a potential in you that I never had.  You believe in yourself and your confidence is unshakable. You definitely did not get that from me. . .but I sure am thankful you have it, because girl, you're going to move mountains (as Dr. Seuss would say)!

This world is a troubling place and I know you've sat in with dad and I and weighed in on some pretty heavy topics this year.  The truth is, there is no real way to protect you.  Songs, television, commercials, friends, the internet. . .they dump it all out there and you have to wade through it and figure it out, sometimes too soon, in my opinion.  But please always know we are here.  Ask us the questions.  Let us guide you into making educated and enlightening choices. We are always here for you and we love you forever an always.  My prayer day in and day out is that God protects and guides you, always bringing you back to me.  But i know you are only on loan--we all are and I am so honored that God chose me to be your mama.

For those times you think I am tough on you--I probably am.  It's tough being the oldest.  I remember.  I learn through the  decisions--both good and bad.  I'm sorry in advance for the times I will continue to get it wrong.  I'm doing my best to parent you during a trying time.  The world is changing and all I can promise is my constant and unfailing love.  Always.

You are  on the precipice of teenagehood. How??? Let's let this year of twelve be fantastic!  Let's love each other and get along and continue to create awesome memories together.  We will never have this time again.  I only have five more summers with you, Bean. Five.  Let's make it count.

Love you always and forever, Lene Bean.
Bless your eyes so you always see Him.
Your ears so you always hear Him.
Your heart so you write His words upon it.
Bless your hands so you always do His work.
And your feet so you always walk in His path.

Is it wrong to secretly hope you'll call me in college and ask me for our nightly blessing?  If it is, don't tell me. I want it to be right.

Love Forever,
Mom

Promises

"Because of the tender mercy of our God, by which the rising sun will come to us from heaven to shine on those living in darkness and in the shadow of death, to guide our feet into the path of peace." Luke 1:78-79 (NIV)

I saw this and immediately thought of papa.  His ninety-one and a half years on this earth has been lengthy.  I have no idea how long he has remaining, as there isn't a diagnosis that we have to go off of, but I know he's tired.  His body aches and the only thing that probably brings any type of joy to his confined life is the hope of heaven.  And what a promise he has in his heart.  

I don't see fear when I look into his eyes. There's a peace about him because he knows what awaits.  He knows there will be a grand reception and his soul will be set free from the body that is failing him in his old age.   He is ready.  He wants to be called home.  He wants God to usher him into the promised land.  He doesn't mind leaving behind the legacy he was a part of creating because his physical work here is done.

From bed, he prays diligently.  He prays with a steadfastness and conviction that only comes from knowing and believing in God.  He doesn't fear his death.  He welcomes it.  And that brings me comfort. . .knowing what a tender and loving God we have, that he would guide papa to the ultimate peace.  The peace we have all looked for our entire lives, but could not find until our final moment.  It will be a beautiful thing: his homecoming.  Until then, we will love him well.

Brave

When I was a kid, bravery took many forms but it usually was associated with heroes I saw on the television: Mighty Mouse comes to mind. . .and Punky Brewster when she stood up to some school bullies.  Luckily, my school experiences were rich and without much drama or a need for bravery, unless you counted fearing recitation of a poem in front of the class.

Today, thirty some years later, bravery has taken a different face.  It's the face of the aged who is willingly and confidently staring death eye to eye.  It's the face of a ninety-one year old veteran, who still shares stories of life in Italy.  It is this man who has bravely lived life fully despite the loss of a wife and son many years before.  Bravery is waking up each day and still being here.  The gift of a day has become almost a curse with a body that is not willing to cooperate; however, he still opens his eyes to face the day.

To be brave is to confidently know where we are going when this life is over, palms uplifted, to offer ourselves as the sacrifice.  That is bravery.  And I see you, glasses on, prayer book in place, rosary in hands: praying.  All the time praying.  Your very life has become a living prayer.

You know what else is brave?  Trusting the people around you to care for you, to have your best interest at heart.  Brave is accepting their plan for you, even if it is different than your plan.

Brave is putting on your best face and letting your great grandchildren serve you.

Brave is ceasing the moment to instruct and pass on wisdom even though the words are fewer and far between:  "Behave," you told them when they kissed you good-bye the other night.

This is the real face of brave.

And we consider it an honor to love and care for you.

Convictions in a Crazy World

“In the absence of Biblical convictions, people go the way of culture.”--Sally Clarkson

Navigating against the tide of middle school influences is an ebb and flow of conversations, criticisms, and critiques.  I sit here and think there are so many things working against us each day: television, film, technology, books, and even friends and family.  It has often been lonely this year to stand for what we believe is right. If it hadn't been for all of us in this household, standing together, I may have wavered. There have been times we second guessed allowing a tween to do something they have asked because we're not sure the difference between protective and over-protective.  

I have read more tween literature than I probably did when I was this age. . .to check it out, act as a buffer, decide whether it's too much too soon, because didn't you know?  So and so has already read that!  And it IS in the school library, so it must be age appropriate...  Yeah, right!

This parenting gig is not for the faint of heart...

Being set apart, having high ideals for our children's behavior and character, not wanting to expose them to too much too soon is a battle being waged daily: the radio station they listen to, not being allowed to use social media, allowing some freedoms but with a very limited number of people in which we know their families.  It is HARD!  And trust me when I say, we get tired.  Instructing our kids day in and day out is draining and exhausting!  We yell and get frustrated, but we also have learned to ask for forgiveness and make things right before we go to bed.  It has been such a dance between holding on and letting go, all the while wondering if we have modeled and trained in a love-filled, grace-filled way.  I don't know.  I hope so, but hope is all I have to rely on some days.

I want my kids to further His kingdom.  I want them to desire to serve Him, to find their passion and use it for good.  I want them to have their own individual relationships with God because it's what they come to want, not because it's all we have ever wanted for them.  I think some people say they want their kids to love God and do good, but then they don't do the necessary work to instill excellent character traits in them.  Kids need to learn it at home first because so much of the world is working to undo their convictions.  There is a battle being waged on our children's hearts and we must fight for them.  We must protect them from too much too soon.  We must teach them what it means to be humble, trustworthy, honest, and faithful.  Our actions, our words, our ways are constantly ushering the way into who they will become. And even if we do all things right, there is no guarantee they will walk the road we would like them to, being the type of people we had trained them to be, living a life of service that we had hoped for them.  And in those instances, we pray God uses it all for His good and we hold on to hope.  

This raising of kingdom kids in a world that is so dark and full of trouble is hard.  But God's call on our lives as parents, is to be in it for the long haul--to do the work we were sent here to do.  It is our responsibility to turn away from contemporary culture's allure to live a life filled with honor, service, love, kindness, and respect.  My prayer for my children is that they will hold tight to their biblical convictions and take a stand to be who God created them to be in a culture that is screaming something different. 

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."--John 16:33

Wise Words Wednesday

Brave: adjective, braver, bravest.

                    1. possessing or exhibiting courage or courageous endurance.

It's a noisy world out there.

Only listen to the words of those who matter most:  God.

Life in Your Years

"It's not the years of your life that count, but the life in your years."

We lost a great Aunt this weekend.  It wasn't a death I saw coming so soon.  Doctors initially said we had more time, but God had other plans.  Like it or not, it got me thinking about had we more time with her, would it really have been for her, or for us?  The answer is evident: us, of course.  

We are never prepared to say good bye to someone we love.  Could my Aunt Lupe have lived any better in extra days before the inevitable end?  I don't think so. There had already been so much life in her years.

"It's not the years of your life that count, but the life in your years."

I can still hear her voice.  Perhaps that is what I will miss most.  No, her laugh.  Her laugh is like her signature: unique.  She had this way of story telling that made you lean in to not miss a beat.  Her facial expressions and that voice were mesmerizing as a child, but their effects remained into adulthood.  She embodied a joyful spirit that I admired.  She dealt with tragedy: losing her brother, her niece, her daughter, and eventually her husband, yet none dulled her spirit. Or if they did, she never let on to me.  

And that meant the world to me:  someone who was so close to my Nana, only to have my mind boggled by her deep bouts of depression.  Our time together was often marred by her inability to get out of her bed, locked in her room for me to wonder what was wrong.  

My Aunt Lupe was at the kitchen table, loud, jovial, pan dulce, coffee, and cigarette in hand.  My Aunt was out and about, put together and doing life despite the hard hands she had been dealt.  My Aunt Lupe was present after I lost my Nana, a part of my wedding planning and china ordering.  

I'll never forget the way she threw my grandpa's blanket over her shoulder as she pranced down the aisle, laughing all the way.  

I'll never forget dancing with her and my Aunt Carmen on my wedding day.  The entire dance they poured into Ernie and I, telling us how proud my Nana was of me and how I deserved all the happiness in the world. And I believed them.  

I believed with everything in me how much I was loved by these two women.  

These two women were the closest thing to my Nana I would have on one of the biggest, most important days of my life.  

They stood in the gap and they were completely enough.

Aunt Lupe Sarinana, Aunt Carmen Morales, and Grandpa Shelby Gaul 4/6/2002

When I look at this picture, I can clearly see my Nana . My Aunts stood in the gap and made sure I knew she was there.

Saturday night I got to say thank you.
I got to tell her what her presence at our wedding meant to me.
I got to remind her that one of Anjalene's greatest memories was going to China Town with her great-great aunts and cousin Sandra. She did something  that I was a scaredy cat to do on my own!
I got to remind her in a whisper that my confirmation name was Sandra, after her daughter who left this world too soon. My aunt will always be a part of that story of my name.
I got the honor of praying over her a couple hours before she transitioned into our promised life of eternity.

What a privilege it was to be a part of her life, no matter how often I did or didn't see her.  She was my great aunt. She loved me and I loved her.  That is enough. Love will always be enough.

Myers-Briggs

While browsing a blog post about the Myers-Brigg Type Personality test, I decided to take it again.  I know I've taken it before, but I couldn't remember what type I was so I logged on and answered away.  

ISFJ

Introvert(44%)  Sensing(12%)  Feeling(12%)  Judging(67%)

• You have moderate preference of Introversion over Extraversion (44%)
• You have slight preference of Sensing over Intuition (12%)
• You have slight preference of Feeling over Thinking (12%)
• You have distinct preference of Judging over Perceiving (67%)

This personality type was further explained at 16personalities.com

ISFJ STRENGTHS

• Supportive - ISFJs are the universal helpers, sharing their knowledge, experience, time and energy with anyone who needs it, and all the more so with friends and family. People with this personality type strive for win-win situations, choosing empathy over judgment whenever possible.
• Reliable and Patient - Rather than offering sporadic, excited rushes that leave things half finished, ISFJs are meticulous and careful, taking a steady approach and bending with the needs of the situation just enough to accomplish their end goals. ISFJs not only ensure that things are done to the highest standard, but often go well beyond what is required.
• Imaginative and Observant - ISFJs are very imaginative, and use this quality as an accessory to empathy, observing others' emotional states and seeing things from their perspective. With their feet firmly planted on the ground, it is a very practical imagination, though they do find things quite fascinating and inspiring.
• Enthusiastic - When the goal is right, ISFJs take all this support, reliability and imagination and apply it to something they believe will make a difference in people's lives - whether fighting poverty with a global initiative or simply making a customer's day.
• Loyal and Hard-Working - Given a little time, this enthusiasm grows into loyalty - ISFJ personalities often form an emotional attachment to the ideas and organizations they've dedicated themselves to. Anything short of meeting their obligations with good, hard work fails their own expectations.
• Good Practical Skills - The best part is, ISFJs have the practical sense to actually do something with all this altruism. If mundane, routine tasks are what need to be done, ISFJs can see the beauty and harmony that they create, because they know that it helps them to care for their friends, family, and anyone else who needs it.

ISFJ WEAKNESSES

• Humble and Shy - The meek shall inherit the earth, but it's a long road if they receive no recognition at all. This is possibly ISFJs' biggest challenge, as they are so concerned with others' feelings that they refuse to make their thoughts known, or to take any duly earned credit for their contributions. ISFJs' standards for themselves are also so high that, knowing they could have done some minor aspect of a task better, they often downplay their successes entirely.
• Take Things Too Personally - ISFJs have trouble separating personal and impersonal situations - any situation is still an interaction between two people, after all - and any negativity from conflict or criticism can carry over from their professional to their personal lives, and back again.
• Repress Their Feelings - People with the ISFJ personality type are private and very sensitive, internalizing their feelings a great deal. Much in the way that ISFJs protect others' feelings, they must protect their own, and this lack of healthy emotional expression can lead to a lot of stress and frustration.
• Overload Themselves - Their strong senses of duty and perfectionism combine with this aversion to emotional conflict to create a situation where it is far too easy for ISFJs to overload themselves - or to be overloaded by others - as they struggle silently to meet everyone's expectations, especially their own.
• Reluctant to Change - These challenges can be particularly hard to address since ISFJ personalities value traditions and history highly in their decisions. A situation sometimes needs to reach a breaking point before ISFJs are persuaded by circumstance, or the strong personality of a loved one, to alter course.
• Too Altruistic - This is all compounded and reinforced by ISFJs' otherwise wonderful quality of altruism. Being such warm, good-natured people, ISFJs are willing to let things slide, to believe that things will get better soon, to not burden others by accepting their offers of help, while their troubles mount unassisted.

It's interesting to me how right on my results are.  For the most part, I am supportive, reliable, enthusiastic, creative, and patient.  Those traits alone made me an excellent classroom teacher, I'm sure.  I've often said I am loyal to a fault. No surprise there.  And those weaknesses?  Oh! My! Wow!  Humble and shy...check.  Take things too personally...all the time. Check.  Repress my feelings so I don't hurt anyone else's...check.  Reluctant to change...um, yeah. Pretty much sums me up in a nutshell.  

Introvert, Feeling, Sensing, Judging. . .I agree with all but one.  Judging sounds so harsh, yet it's been the one thing I've been accused of.  Judging sounds completely unflattering and frustrating, but perhaps there is truth to it.  Here it is on a test I took--and I do tend to frown upon lives that are lived by breaking the law. . .either state law or God's law.  It doesn't have to be my way, but I am a rule follower, what can I say? 

I'm not sure why I chose now to look into this.  I'm putting it here in this space because maybe you can research what you are and how that plays into your life and the choices you make.  For me, on the precipice of forty, I'm becoming who I'm meant to be--all garbage aside.  I'm discovering the difference between acting out of obedience and acting out of obligation.  I'm finding my voice and saying no to the noise that distracts from the harmony we are trying to create in our home.  I'm being true to the desires of my heart and rediscovering what brings me joy outside of my role as wife and mom.  

The process of growing, changing, shaping, and becoming is a very gradual and deliberate one.  It entails looking at the map of your life: at the places you've been and the places you still want to go.  It's coming to peace with the fact that you're desires may look nothing like what others think they should.  It's cocooning yourself away from the discord so you can compose a symphony that explodes your personality and grows ten fold day after day.  It's the rush of the waves crashing against the beach as you let go of heartache and sorrow that has pulled you down under for far too long.  It's the examination of conscience that dissects past actions, people, circumstances that you have no control of but have allowed to dictate a space in the corner of your mind.  This process of growing, changing shaping, and becoming is simply the blossoming of the bud to the perfect, beautiful flower you were meant to be.  

Wise Words Wednesday

Be{YOU}tiful. . .

because that's who He intends you to be.

You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you.--

Song of Solomon 4:7

Plus One

One year ago today, our lives changed in a drastic way.  We added a plus one to our brood.  What was supposed to be short term has turned into anything but.  The year has been anything but easy.  It has taken patience and pouring into someone who we barely had a relationship with.  It has pulled me and stretched me in ways I never imagined.  It has frustrated me and made me angry in ways I'm not proud of.  But it has been our journey and our journey alone.

One lesson I've learned:  doing the right thing is often NOT the easy thing.  There are many who can't see the world outside their immediate household.  To do so would mean acknowledging the hurt, injustice, and poverty that takes place even among the people in our communities and dare I say...families?  It would be easier to turn a blind eye than admit more could be done.  I wanted to turn a blind eye, trust me, I did. Shoot, sometimes I still want to.  But serving God looks like this for now for us.  We've always said our neighborhood was our mission field--and this opportunity brought that statement to a whole new level.

We're helping him build a life he is very deserving of.  We are helping prepare him for the future and laying the foundation for his faith.  He is building a bridge between his past and his present.  He is looking forward to his future. He has been as much a gift to our family as we have been a gift to him.  One year later. . .I never expected life to look like this, but as always, I'm so grateful God's plans are always greater and more perfect than my own!

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.--Jeremiah 29:11

Wise Words Wednesday

 Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.--1 Thessalonians 5:18

Always remember, God's got this.

Let Him handle it.

Grief Changes

"Grief changes shape, but it never ends." --Keanu Reeves

This quote stopped me.  Flashbacks of all the losses of my life played through my mind.  I thought of people I once loved who have passed on and others I've lost touch with or chosen to walk away from.  Memories of times when my heart was full with people I loved drifted through my thoughts.

I grieved all of my losses.

Let me correct that, I grieve all of my losses, still.

In some shape or another, the grief is still there, it just looks different from what it did before.

And that's okay.

"Grief changes shape, but it never ends."

Dear Birthday Boy

Dearest Bubba,

It has been a strange week leading up to your entry into double digits.  You literally blew me away last week at your track meet. Five races, where you ran your way to first place status each time, gave me pause.  Where is my little boy?  How have those legs carried you so far away from the pack in the race and why are they leading the way to this next decade of your life?  Time is cruel.  It is a race I was never prepared for, and it keeps going, so here I am saying, "Happy 10th Birthday, Son."

Bubs, I recently saw, of all things, a tatoo that stated a truth I want you to learn young. . ."Change is the only constant." And this has definitely been a year full of changes for you, our family, our household.  Of all my children, you are the one who struggles with any kind of change the most; therefore, I know this year has not been easy.  I know you've struggled with disappointments from people you love.  I know what a soft heart you have and that it hurts easily.  I also know some of the bruising has probably come from me in moments where my harsh tone or words did not fit the offense.  And as I have already told you far too many times this year, I am truly sorry.

I forgot how it feels to be on the verge of growing up. I never had to share my room with anyone.  I never had to share my parents with anyone.  I never watched that dance and now daddy and I dance it daily and son, it is hard.  We make many mistakes, of this I know for sure.  But you are not a mistake.  You were born to be ours.  You were born with a heart of compassion and eyes for justice.  You have stepped out and shown who you are becoming.  I know your life verse is Philippians 4:13  "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength," but son, the Lord has been placing a new verse on my heart and He is showing me that it is just for you as we enter a new decade of your life:  "He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."--Micah 6:8

There is something about who you are that my mama heart just knows has to pray for the wonderful things you will do for His kingdom over time.  Raising a Kingdom Kid with eyes like you have, who seeks out the broken, voices concern for people afraid to speak, and who can win races and know that it was not of your ability but because of God's given gift to you--all those qualities make for a kid who is already in tune with God's call on his life and totally open to the possibilities of his future! And to think, we have the privilege and joy to call you son!

From leadership to track to Pokemon cards. . .this year has been full of new opportunities to grow you.  I still remember that first week of school when I told you I just couldn't sit and help you with every detail of your homework.  I mean, you were in 4th grade!  From that day forward, you came in and did what needed to be done, only asking me for help on occasion.  Amazing what you can accomplish when you're pushed outside your comfort zone a little.  Hot lunch on Thursdays, Character Counts blue, College shirt day, Leadership shirt day--I watch the week fly by by the shirt you wear.  But I am so proud that you put yourself out there this year and tried new things!

I loved our desert trip to the mine, and the flowers you still gather for me.  I love your laugh and smile.  Your eyes can see into my soul.  They undo me in the best possible way because I know you get it. . .ALL of it! You see the good before the bad and I love that about you.  You've been the man of the house checking doors and lights when dad has to work and I have thoroughly enjoyed our Frisbee afternoons at the park.  Actually, I'm ready for summer nights that we can play!  I don't even mind that you beat me in steps every day.  I am four times as old as you, and not nearly as good at dropping everything to just run and play!  I really do need to work on that!  

I am so excited to see what the Lord has planned for your life.  You are such a gift to me, son.  I love you forever and ever to the moon and back times a thousand million zillion. . .until the end of time!

I hope your day and your ten-year-old adventure is memorable.  I can't wait to hear all about it!

All my love always,

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Mom

Raising Kingdom Kids

Kingdom kids are raised into that heritage not born into it. People are sinful, our children are no different. What we have chosen to do differently is to direct or guide them using biblical principles, getting at the heart of the matter versus just squashing it.  And truth be told, we don't always get that right.  We end a lot of days apologizing to them for our mess ups.

"Who you are at home is who you really are," is a phrase I say often to the kids.  It's a phrase I need to hear aloud too as I'm barking out orders, too impatient to listen to an explanation, or too busy to bother to really hear. Raising kingdom kids is an idea of sorts for our kids to shine His light, to glorify Him with their life's work. . .whatever that might be.

Kingdom kids is a phrase I heard somewhere.  It's an ideal I hope to bring honor to.  It's not something that is just going to happen day in and day out twenty-four hours a day.  They are kids.  They will make mistakes and hopefully learn from them.  They will be faithful stewards of their life while they live under our roof, but that doesn't guarantee they won't fall away.  Raising kingdom kids has become my ministry.  The ministry that I hold most near and dear to my heart because my children are my legacy.  I must invest wisely.

Write Your Own Story

Last night's screening of Confessions of a Prodigal Son was a success I don't think our Lene Bean will soon forget (the cheers when she came on the screen warmed my heart).  What an incredible project to have been a part of and what an even greater message to behold. Truth be told, there were parts that E and I grasped hands tightly and tears might have come. The scene we were in came and went quickly but the overall feeling that came with being a part of this production, in supporting it, in promoting it, in viewing it with friends and family was a moment I hope our kids always remember.  Raising kingdom kids in today's saturated world is an everyday struggle, filled with blessed moments of incredible joy like this.

Surrounding ourselves with Godly people, good examples of people following their faith, leaning into the Lord and fully trusting Him: His timing, His ways. . .all of it is hard.  As I suppose it should be.  But the part I am coming to realize is that it may be difficult, but it is not impossible. . .Jonathan's life verse shouts from the recesses of my mind, "I can do all things with God who gives me strength."  And I suppose the story we are telling is part of our ministry.  We have to be wise in telling it and remember the world is watching us, many of whom are just waiting for us to fail: to react badly, to not forgive and bear grudges, to judge .  Often times we might misstep but the opportunity to do it better or correctly is right there for the taking.

Last night around the dinner table with the writer/lead actors in the movie, we talked about stepping out in faith and pursuing the passion God puts on our hearts and I was struck with something that can only be described as awe.  It is important for E and I to be vigilant and to instruct and teach our kids the ways of the Lord, but it is up to each of our children to develop their own personal relationship with God.  These two, whom we sat across from, are such faith filled followers of dreams. Together, these two believe in what they say, reject roles that don't shine His light, and write scripts and stories to positively impact and influence others.  I want to be like them when I grow up. . .and that's exactly how the kids felt when we left dinner too.  These influential voices are the ones I need speaking into my children's lives, and we need to keep seeking opportunities that facilitate these encounters.

If you have ever loved someone who has made choices you don't particularly agree with or who has seemed to turn their back on the Lord. . .take hope in this truth: But now, this is what the Lord says—he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name, you are mine." (Isaiah 43:1)  This movie has a message for everyone.  It belongs in your home library. It's available all over the place and I really think you should buy a copy, not because we were in it, but because the choices we make are the stories we tell.  Choose to tell the story that glorifies God and shines His light.  Be hopeful.  Know God's love.  Feel God's love and know no matter what you have done, He wants you to come home.

Fiery Furnaces

Dear Love Bugs,

The reason this song is on repeat lately is simple. In my morning study I am reading the book of Peter.  From chapter one on Monday, I've been drawn in. " 6 In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7 These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 8 Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy,9 for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls."

At bible study today we read about King Nebuchadnezzar in the book of Daniel, chapter 3.  He made this huge statue of gold and demanded when people heard the sound of music that they stop and bow down to the statue.  There were three men: Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego—who paid no attention to him. They neither served his gods nor worshipped the image of gold the king had set up. So the king was outraged and demanded the men be brought to them, which they were.  Even after being confronted by the king, they did not waver.  They refused to compromise their beliefs and bow down and worship the king's god. So the king threw them into a fiery furnace for death after mocking them, "Will your God save you from death?"

The crazy thing is, God did save them--soon enough the king saw before his very eyes that the three men were walking around the fiery furnace accompanied by what looked to be an angel or the son of God.  There was no evidence of the fire burning them.  The king was so amazed! 28 Then Nebuchadnezzar said, “Praise be to the God of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, who has sent his angel and rescued his servants! They trusted in him and defied the king’s command and were willing to give up their lives rather than serve or worship any god except their own God. 29 Therefore I decree that the people of any nation or language who say anything against the God of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego be cut into pieces and their houses be turned into piles of rubble, for no other god can save in this way.”

30 Then the king promoted Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego in the province of Babylon.

There will be times in our life when we are called to take a stand.  If we cave in and compromise on the small things, we will eventually cave in and compromise on the large ones.  It is better to be left out than to compromise our standards and be left out of the kingdom of God later on.  Let that sink in kiddos:  it is better to be left out than to compromise our standards and be left out of the kingdom of God later on.  

The devil is deceitful.  He knows our weaknesses and preys on them.  We are his target.  He will offer it all to you, but it is up to you to not bow down!  Fear not, God says choose the furnace.  You will learn things in the fiery furnace that you can not learn in any other place.  Remember that God works all things for good and our ways are not His ways.  Keep the faith: if He brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

The world is watching you.  Our life is on display.  William Dyer said, "Fiery trials make golden Christians."  Don't come out of the furnace with bitterness, unforgiveness, jealousy. . .let Him deliver you.  There is hope in Him and Him alone.