March 5, 2011

Photographed by Shawna Hansen:  http://www.shawnahansen.com/

       There are not many moments where I can look at my oldest and see little glimpses of myself, but this week I was given the gift of one such moment.  As she prepared to make her first reconciliation, she clung to me, tears on the brink of falling and groaned, "I'm scared. . ." in a very tiny voice.  Here, on this day we were at the church I grew up in, surrounded by three priests from my youth, a place that today feels very much like "home."  Yet, the depth of the fear felt by my daughter resonated within me because I too had cowered behind my Dad on the evening of my first confession.  I cried big tears with a runny nose and hard to catch my breath kind of tears while I watched as my Dad went before me to show me how it was done.  I remember everyone being gentle with me but I was still so afraid.  Who was this man that I had to tell my sins to?   Why did I have to do this?  Why was this so hard?
       Last night, I confessed to the priest that I had the joy of being married by.  "Forgive me Father for I have sinned. . .it has been at least nine years since my last confession.  Actually, I think my last confession was with you on our engagement weekend retreat."  The look on his face, his quick recovery and then the conversation that took place was meaningful, appreciated, and acknowledged by my little girl who looked on.  She smiled a weak little smile as the priest absolved me of my sins--which come to think of it, I didn't really verbalize any--it was kind of a "everything I've done wrong" kind of plea on my end and the best part?  The priest was totally okay with it. Penance didn't even include a litany of prayers like I remember. . .
       I've had my moments with the Catholic faith. I was born and raised Catholic but I didn't come from a family who attended church regularly.  I kind of grew up thinking the little white envelope was pretty important--and it is. I still bring mine each week.  There are just certain things about the church that I have questioned--reconciliation being one of them.  I really think it's more about my relationship with Christ than the acknowledgment and absolution that a priest gives....but hey, it's the tradition.  I'm okay with that and actually seeing how it went I'm under the impression that they (Catholic Church) have shifted the focus as well--or else my priest is just liberal and since he retired he does things his way...Either works for me.
       I'm happy to say my little girl did it.  She confessed her sins and came out of it unscathed. I saw a little piece of me in her for a couple moments and I  was able to recall the memory of my first confession to encourage her.  I'm thinking we should go back in a couple weeks to prepare for the Lenten season.  If I wait nine years to take her back she just might not want to go.  I'm the Mom, the example, the role model...we will go...soon.