School is Back in Session. . .

And I'm not really sure what I think about it yet.  After tonight, all we will have left is one more Back to School Night to get a grip on this whole high school thing.  The routine hasn't been too hard to get re-acquainted with.  It's the me here in this house alone that boggles my mind.

The first day of school E took off work to walk all the kids to school.  I thought there might be tears.  There weren't.  Grandparents and Godparents thoroughly surprised us on a quick visit on their way to the airport for a ten day vacation.  Seeing them helped my heart.  Nessa's nino came by with an offering of donuts and chocolate milk that was met with hugs and more pictures.

My last little was heading off to school and I was sad but determined to be strong so she didn't have any issues.  And she didn't.  We took some pictures, said good-bye and were on our way.  It was so strange!

 We celebrated a successful, short day with sushi, of course.

Then we went to visit papa, at his new home while his caregivers vacation.

He was pretty happy to see us and tell us about the ladies who are giving him all kinds of attention! Janessa included.

And the week has been a blur of supplies and letters and schedules. . .it's a lot to keep track of with 4 kids at 3 different schools, but I think I've got it.  Nothing is going to feel "real" until a long awaited vacation happens and my writing classes begins.  I have added another class to teach  and I'm really  looking forward to it.  It's just the strangest week with everyone in school.  The house has not been this clean in a long time. . .and it has only been three days!  We're talking windows!

Walking to school with her bff makes the day off to an even better start! 

Day 2, on my first day home alone, I came upstairs with laundry and poor little lambie, was just sitting on the floor waiting for Janessa's return.  It was the saddest sight.  I couldn't decide who was missing her more. . .

There has been plenty of time for afternoon swims. . .and it sure has been hot enough to demand our attention!

Four days in and this one was uncooperative in the picture department.  She also asked when it was a day off.  School is tough to get used to, but thankfully all of the kids have adjusted well and seem to like their teachers.  This year is going to be full.  I've already met with the school counselor to get our Character Ed program off the ground on the 31st.  I have 2 teachers who are eager for weekly help, plus my MOMS group at church. . .schedules fill up but with the things that matter most to me.  This is a dream come true. My dream.  I feel so incredibly blessed and want to always remember these days.

Summer Mourning

Our new favorite quiet time activity.

Life in between our four walls is seemingly good, quiet bursts of busy followed by gaps of rest.  It feels like summer at its finest.  There are little glimmers of the brokenness that surrounds us with outside influences and forces, but life for the most part is well.  I am such a feeler.  I feel all the emotions all the time and this summer has been no exception.  My littlest one is growing up right before my very eyes and there have been so many lasts already: last first tooth, last time needing her floaties, last time learning to ride a bike. . .it has been quite the adventure!

And yet, sometimes in the quiet I mourn what our extended family used to look like.  I mourn the loss of E's parents, although here physically, their minds are broken.  I mourn the relationships I've watched wither and die.  I mourn those I know living lives that are unauthentic and lack joy.  I mourn these things yet I have so much hope for our future.  How could that possibly be?  My hope in God erases all the brokenness.  It reminds me that one day all my tears will be turned into dancing.  He has taught me not to sacrifice my confidence on the altar of comparison.  He has made me believe that He is all I need.  And I do.

Our gallery wall grew with handmade creations this summer: brave and hope.

Sometimes I have no words to write because I am so caught up in the emotions this summer.  I'm all in for the first time in a long time.  There has been no preoccupied mind needing to make summer workshops, or teacher planning meetings, or set up a classroom.  Those days of teaching are done and I am one hundred percent fully okay with that.  I found my passion: my family.  They give me purpose and that is enough.  No, I'm not going back to work full time just because I have a kindergartener.  I teach around my kitchen table. Seven children whom I have grown to love.  I get excited on my teaching day.  The hour flies by and I am filled with joy because I get to do this: to stay home with my littles and work just enough to practice what I know I am good at.  Life is beautiful.  Like I said before, what happens in between these four walls is pretty amazing.

Raising Kingdom Kids

Kingdom kids are raised into that heritage not born into it. People are sinful, our children are no different. What we have chosen to do differently is to direct or guide them using biblical principles, getting at the heart of the matter versus just squashing it.  And truth be told, we don't always get that right.  We end a lot of days apologizing to them for our mess ups.

"Who you are at home is who you really are," is a phrase I say often to the kids.  It's a phrase I need to hear aloud too as I'm barking out orders, too impatient to listen to an explanation, or too busy to bother to really hear. Raising kingdom kids is an idea of sorts for our kids to shine His light, to glorify Him with their life's work. . .whatever that might be.

Kingdom kids is a phrase I heard somewhere.  It's an ideal I hope to bring honor to.  It's not something that is just going to happen day in and day out twenty-four hours a day.  They are kids.  They will make mistakes and hopefully learn from them.  They will be faithful stewards of their life while they live under our roof, but that doesn't guarantee they won't fall away.  Raising kingdom kids has become my ministry.  The ministry that I hold most near and dear to my heart because my children are my legacy.  I must invest wisely.

On the Eve of Your Fifth Birthday, Nessa Bessa. . .

Nature walk the day before your birthday.

Dear Janessa,

I write this on the eve of your fifth birthday and I may have been extra emotional tonight as I noticed everything about your last night of being four.  I loved interviewing you, watching the wheels turn as you thought about your answers and showed me your ballet moves eagerly.  The way you brushed your teeth and put your pajamas on unassisted.  The peace and calming oil you asked to be rubbed on your feet; the way you nestled in the crook of my arm as I read The Dance to you. . .and how you noticed the crack in my voice during two different parts and you reached your hand up to caress my face.  You are so perceptive! We prayed together and you asked me to stay.  And I did so willingly tonight, absolutely no thought to the distractions that sometimes win my attention.  And I took it all in: the scent of your conditioned hair, the feel of your smooth skin, the way you still delicately pull at lambies fur, the beating of your heart.  I noticed it all tonight because you will never be four again, and you're my last.  Which is probably why I woke up today wondering if it would be the last time I found that you had sneaked into our bed. And I made myself remember that one day, I will miss this.  I will miss ALL this because the days are long, but the years SO SO short.

On the eve of number 5

Baby girl,  I want you to know how much I love being your mommy.  I thank God every single day for you. I thank Him for the opportunity to be home with you, to homeschool you.  Sometimes a thought will sneak in and I will wonder if I shouldn't have sent you to TK, but then those thoughts are quickly replaced by the realization that THIS is what motherhood is about. I don't need to apologize or answer to anyone for the choices we make in raising you. Always remember that.  No matter how many degrees you have, I will never be disappointed in the decision you make as a mama as long as it's the right one for you.  Follow your heart and have faith in God that His plans will be revealed to you--and I am so excited to see what they are, my love!  I just know He is going to use you for greatness in this world!!

You are such a talker, and a feeler, and a mover!  You love to use your imagination and play.  You love to go to cooking class and ask questions and make yummy recipes.  You are blessed with good friends.  You like all things Little Pet Shops, Barbie, Strawberry Shortcake, Critters, dolls and house.  You asked daddy to take off your training wheels two weeks ago and you are getting the hang of riding your bike.  You are a gift.  Our gift and I am so thankful you are a part of this family.

Nessa Bessa, your feisty, sassy attitude is well balanced with your loving, gentle spirit.  You make me smile in spite of myself sometimes.  You stretch me.  I have you to thank for the mama I have become...the one who has let go of worldly standards and uses the only one that matters: love.  I've learned to put it on first thing in the morning, and to keep myself in check throughout our long days.  For as long as I live, these years home with you will be some of the best of my life.  We are our own team and we show up for the others: Little, Anjalene, Jonathan, and now Anthony. . .you are my sidekick, my right hand gal to do what needs to be done day in and day out; shopping, cooking, laundry, dusting.  You are beside me and I will miss you when we send you off to real school.  But speaking of school, I love seeing your excitement when you master something difficult: like writing your lowercase e correctly, or the number 5.  You squeal in delight, you hug me and my smile is so big because of your pure joy.  Teaching you has been a real joy.  You are a joy in my life.

"It's hard to be four," we would cry out on occasion. . .but now it's on to five.  Fabulous five. Fun Five. Fantastic Five.  Frank Five.  I look forward to the joy year five will bring.  You are my sunshine.  My Nessa Bessa. My love bug.  My baby bird.  I will always love the life you helped lead me to. . .the life of a stay at home mama.  Happy birthday, Janessa Raylene, may all your dreams come true!

All my love always and forever,
Mom

Selfie on the night before you turned five.

Week Two Wrap Up

I can not believe that today marks the second full week of school,  I'm still looking for that perfect balance, that sane schedule, that routine that we are all used to.  Needless to say, we don't have it.  All of us are still looking.  I'm trying to remember to give them grace in the process.  There is so much to keep track of: cross country, early release days, tumble bears, dance, volleyball. . .and that is pretty much only one activity per child.  It will get easier.  I will give myself grace in the process as well.

I am extremely thankful for God moments in the eye of the stormy, chaotic, craziness that has become my weekday life: for people and situations that have allowed me to get away, if only for an hour to refresh me and fill up my reserves.  Sometimes I feel like an observer of the flurry of activity that is around me.  Tracking grades, library book due dates, Nessa's lessons, and three meals a day takes a toll on a person.  And it's only week two...only week two...only week two. . .

Monkeying around is one way to combat crazy.  Janessa usually has the right idea.  Except when her hand hurts, 5 minutes into school time.  Sigh.  So is the life of a homeschooler, I guess.  Lots of patience required from mom.  And coffee.  Four o'clock coffee,  as a matter of fact, has become a matter of life and death.

And then there's this little who isn't so little any more.  I have to look for ways to squeeze one on one time with her because quality time is her love language.  So lately it has been a walk along the big block, just to talk so I can focus on her and what is on her heart versus the dishes, the need to sweep the floor again, and the questions that keep arising from the homework associated with common core.  There is just SO MUCH TO DO and I want to do it well.  So, I wake up every day and fill up my coffee cup and open my bible just hoping it will keep me grounded throughout the complications and craziness of the day!

And as if I didn't have enough on my plate to keep me busy. . .I just happened to buy a box of Hatch Chilis from New Mexico.  A box.  Sprouts roasted them for me but a woman I was talking to in line said I should peel them before I put them in the freezer.  Peel.  A few hours later with the help of my mom, I have enough chilis to last me a while at least.  There is always a positive if I look for it!  But a box of chilis?  I didn't really realize what I was getting myself into.  Thank goodness mom came by to help!

 What better thing to do on a school night than go ride horses?  The boy we carpool with has a neighbor with horses and he knows how much Lene loves them, so he arranged a horse riding session for us.  Nessa, who has only ridden a pony was not too keen on the idea of riding big, beautiful Amigo, but with some coaxing from Dustin she went.  Twice!  She even starting calling out, "Giddy-up!" and "Yee-Haw!"

Horses and chickens.  Such a fun field trip for us homeschoolers!

Horses is her thing!  She just adores them, which cracks me up a little since sometimes she is such my chicken little! She rode around very comfortable, asking all sorts of questions and so happy to be out at the barn.

And since I'm all about hands on learning--and modeling for my children.  I rode too,  Amigo was really quite big with an interesting gait because of the Tennessee horse that he is.  I just loved his markings!

And I think I just love this picture of the three girls.  Lene Bean got both the girls ready: denim, boots, and pony tails!  I thought they looked so cute I just needed a picture of us.  The only boots I own are Uggs, which wasn't happening in the ninety degree weather, but I just love their poses and that they are mine.  Love that we had some quality girl time locally, doing something Lene loved!

And I am so happy to enjoy a three day weekend at home together.  All of us!

School Started

Anjalene: 6th Grade

Jonathan: 4th Grade

Anthony: 8th Grade

Ready. . .Set. . .School!

Janessa: TK

She slept in our first day of school. As a new homeschooling teacher, I completely over-planned.  I need to work at her pace and remember my whole reason for being home with her is to have fun and let the learning take place in a more natural setting.  I have a feeling she will learn the academics she needs for kindergarten and I will learn the patience I need for life.

Birthday Blessings, Bean

My Deaarest Anjalene,

Happy birthday, baby! How is it even possible that you are 11 today? It boggles my mind that God chose you for my life and I am so thankful and honored every single day to be your mama!! 11 marks the beginning of so many changes for you.  The biggest being, heading off to middle school in a mere five weeks.  I used to be so nervous about it for you, but now I am filled with total peace.  You're ready.  God has continuously spoken to my heart and shown me how much he is working and growing in you and it is AMAZING!

This year you worked really hard in your studies and often times made honor roll. Your biggest honor in our eyes was receiving the Manny Hernandez Kindness Award.  To be chosen by your peers to represent a boy who is running around in heaven, made my mama heart proud. After being passed up for citizenship awards, this was such a great example of God's faithfulness and how He sees--even when we are looked over by humans, God sees our good works and knows our heart! We passed up an opportunity to perform in a play at the high school this Spring because it conflicted with Honor Choir and I know you were disappointed, but you followed through with your commitment to choir and even earned a solo in the last show of the year.  Not surprising, because God gifted you with a courage and strength like none other that allows you to shine His light on that stage.  I can't wait to see what other opportunities await you, Lene Bean.

Your friendships have grown and deepened, withholding the test of time. Elementary school has come and gone, yet your true friends remain and you have invested wisely and chosen carefully and I pray that is always the case.  You avoided drama like the plague because of your investment with quality people who are genuine and have nothing to prove in popular circles or cliques.  I pray God continues to bless you with good friends who know and  love Him; therefore, they are good to you.

In so many ways you're growing up but you still have the wonder and mind of a little girl.  I love that.  I love that you still love to be read aloud to, like to color, love your stuffed animals and dolls.  These things that some girls have already thrown aside in exchange for ipads, ipods, and iphones you hold on to.  I pray that you continue to be in tune to the desires of your heart and unimpressed by the world's definition of appropriate tween activity.  You will grow up.  That's a given.  Just don't rush it.

On this day eleven years ago, my heart was forever altered.  You made me a mama and I have never been the same.  In a lot of ways, you and I are the same: first born girls, responsible, capable, and loving.  In some ways we are different: you're outgoing; I tend to be shy.  But yet at the heart of who we are--it is amazing to me that God placed us together.  He knew exactly what each of us needed to love and grow and follow His call on our lives.

Growing in your faith, your love, and your wisdom is my prayer for you this year. We went to a luncheon together where grow was the theme and it resonated within me.  What an opportunity it is to you to be digging into His word and building a relationship with your father during a typically tumultuous season of life.  What a gift!
18 But grow in grace, and in the knowledge of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. To him be glory both now and for ever. Amen. 2Peter 3:18

You are a gift. You are loved. You are beautiful.  You are treasured.  I pray that we can always show this to you.  Will you stumble? Yes.  Will you fall? Probably so.  But I want you to rest assured that we are always praying for you and walking beside you.  We may not "get" what it is you're going through but I promise to always be there to try.  You are my firstborn. I love your roses and your thorns because each is an opportunity to grow, baby girl!!

I love who you are today and who God is growing you into.  You make me smile and laugh and love a little better because you are exactly who God created you to be, crazy style and all!

May you forever be blessed.

All my love always,

Mom

Preschool Promotion

Once upon a time Janessa, you finished traditional preschool the same way as your brother and sister who had gone before you.  The only difference was a battle wound on your face from a skate board injury that had happened two days prior.  Always beautiful and so full of joy, you completed preschool the same way you started: confidently excited to see what TK has to offer.

My three littles, all gathered on the same stage, blessed by the same teacher who molded each of your lives in her own way.  Each of you so unique with your gifts, but your foundation so similar and the memories of Miss Jackey to carry in your heart forever.  This year was just the right mix of special and sad as Miss Jackey retired after thirty-two years.  I feel so blessed that you, Nessa Bessa was able to experience her loving guidance for the time you did.

Mom and Miss Jackey have a special bond.  Both are survivors.  Both have fought the cancer fight and come out victorious.  For that we are all especially grateful: more time for more lives to touch.

Miss Debbie had some big shoes to fill and you warmed right up to her and let her encourage and guide you as well.  You went from virtually no interest in coloring to writing your name overnight.  Miss Judy coming back to help in Miss Jackey's absence was another gift.  She knew the program well as she was the assistant for the big kids too.  Someday you will look back at this time period and understand that this is what friends do: they support and help in your hour of need.  I was so impressed by the relationship these three women shared.

Your entourage was there to cheer and show their love for you.  Daddy may have had to work, but he was there in spirit and loves all that you have accomplished already in preschool.  Miss Shelly took so many pictures with my good camera, that we forgot to get a picture with her too!

This guy has been your right hand man for the past two years. Well, actually even before that as you knew each other in the womb!  Linky, your best friend, your sidekick, and now your homeschool buddy!  I am so excited to see what adventures you two cook up next!

My baby bird, your biggest fan. . .I feel so incredibly blessed to be home with you next year.  I am thrilled by the prospect of learning about letters, numbers, and all things life together!  This day marked your last day as a preschooler and my last day as a teacher in the AUSD. I can not ever tell you what this milestone means to me but I'll spend the year showing you through all our adventures and misadventures doing this homeschooling thing together!