My Support System is. . .

My support system is a beautiful example of the friendships I have nourished through the years. My friendships are the family I choose. Although I never questioned any of my friends in my circle and their loyalty or their ability to show up, this grieving experience has literally opened my eyes to the exquisite beauty who are my friends. If you have never read the story of the female elephants, please do so:  

https://jenhatmaker.com/the-elephant-story/

I first heard the story years ago after a woman from work lost her husband suddenly. I remember our administrators telling us the story and the picture they presented her. I remember the feeling of awe in the room as mostly women, many of whom did not know this woman or her husband, were filled with deep empathy, care, and concern for the woman returning to her post. There was a palpable feeling of support in that room full of virtual strangers. I've never forgotten that moment, but have never experienced my own elephant circling and gathering until I lost my mom. Then again twenty-four days later, they rallied their herd and surrounded my from the moment I heard of my brother's accident. I have been so incredibly blessed by these women and their unwavering support. They randomly text me elephants. They check in frequently. They invite me to do life with them. They pray for me and with me. They keep showing up and loving me and my family despite distance, time, or anything else that may get in the way.

One of the best things about my friends is that they are from many different time periods of my life. Some of my closest friends go back to our first day of high school; some from college; some from my kid's preschool days; some from elementary school, some from sports, some from church; some from multiple work sites, and some from my neighborhood. What a blessed life to live with these beautiful people! Friends from all walks of life and across the years have gathered in their circle of support and allowed me the space I needed to literally pick myself up from the floor. They have wiped my tears so I can see again. They have sat with me in silence when the grief has no words. On the 23rd of the month, many send little love notes and do random acts of kindness with me to honor my mom's life. They are present. They are a present. Never before have I known this level of support. I only hope I can always offer them the same. 

Something Lost, I'll Never Get Back

Once, thirty years ago, I lost something that was mine, but it never actually belonged to me. When I was sixteen years old, my Nana passed away suddenly. With her death, the first of someone I loved so much, came the sudden shifting of all our family dynamics. It was a slow and steady unraveling of the family I knew and loved. As a little girl, I spent many hours with my Nana. There are memories of songs she would sing to me, records played on the player, trips to the bank, and breakfast around the circular wooden table in the kitchen. There were also days she stayed in bed, television playing her soap operas as she battled with a sad blanket she couldn't shake. I spent time with her doing my hair in her bathroom. I secretly put on her lipstick and admired myself in the the mirror. Sometimes she would let me put her ring on my finger. It would slip as it was too big, but I would dangle it to show her and she would smile and laugh, telling me one day it would be mine. I believed her.

But when she died, her only daughter took the ring telling me when I was eighteen, and then when I was twenty-one it would be mine. I believed her. However, those milestones passed and the ring was never handed down to me. Our once close relationship dead. The damage done with broken promises, and pain inflicted on my young fragile heart. I lost my Nana. I lost her ring. I lost my Aunt. I lost my cousins. All gone forever, because although I let the hostility go, I chose to protect my heart. She will never hurt me again, because I choose not to let her. 

The only person who ever had my back completely was my Mom. My Mom chose me. She always chose me. Time and time again, she chose to acknowledge my pain, to validate it and to let me do what I needed to do. She didn't pressure me to, "forgive and forget." She left me to my own devices and simply sat with me. Perhaps because of this we were able to go forward.  There has never been hate in my heart, but there is definitley space and solitude with that woman compared to what may have been. I am okay with that.

God has been so good to me. Despite the losses, there have been abundant blessings and gains. I lost more than a ring and I'll never get any of it back again. Forgiveness was for me, not for her. 

John Michael

Grief has this way of sneaking up on you. There is nothing linear about it. In the weeks after I started taking baby steps out in to the world again, I would find myself confused by the world around me. How did it go on? Didn't anyone know I just lost my Mom? I was viewing all things through glass. Nothing was clear. I wasn't an active participant. In the days following her funeral, my body was depleted. She gave out on me and I finally let myself succumb to the sickness and all I wanted was for her white Prius to pull up with a home made soup delivery. It didn't matter what kind, all of her soups were winners, and I never took the time to learn how. I always assumed we had more time. . .and then we didn't.

My birthday was six days after she passed away. I woke up to the smell of smoke which I automatically assumed was her barbecue. It flickered comfort for a second. I also hadn't listened to my voice mails, hoping I had one of her singing Happy Birthday to me. I always tried to answer those calls. If she wasn't the first call of the day, I was disappointed. I had come to expect the woman who brought me into the world, would also sing and welcome me to the gift of another year first and foremost. I cried my eyes out when the very first message I played was her singing. While family and friends showed up that night to celebrate, it is a blur. 

Twenty-four days later, I would venture out to a friend's house to celebrate with an intimate dinner with five of my friends from church. I had Ernie drop me off that night. Driving took energy I didn't want to waste. I remember I walked through her door, and the candles were lit, the food smelled delicious, the environment was warm and calming. I had an instant feeling of relief instead of anxiety. This felt almost normal. I felt so loved. My friends were arriving. There were hugs and check ins with each other, and then my phone rang. It had barely been a few minutes since I was dropped off, but my husband was calling, so I answered it.

He told me that he didn't want me to worry, and immediately my heart dropped. My voice raised. My friend's voices got quiet as everyone watched me. I remember that clearly. I think someone put their hands on my back. All I know is my hands were on my mouth, as my husband told me my 44-year-old brother who had taken his boys on a hunting trip had been in an accident. I was trying to remember to breathe. I wanted to go home, but he told me I was in the best place and to stay and pray. We did. I remember clearly thinking, "There is no way God would do this to my family." I then called my sister in law who was crying, but who also told me my brother was moving and talking, and I know I felt some peace. He was going to be okay. I just knew it. We sat around the table, I tried to eat. We talked a bit...about what I can not even remember. But then the hosts face changed as she noticed someone coming up to the door. She asked if we were expecting anyone.

It was my husband, and I knew in my heart before he even said, "We had to go." I don't remember if I crumpled under the weight of his words, but even today it still feels like it, so I expect I did. I could not cry. My friends cried for me. I could not breathe. I fell apart. I could not comprehend that this could even happen. How in only twenty-four days did my life as I knew it, cease to exist?  My brother, my first friend.  Polar opposites, but the only one who shared our growing up experience with me. Simply gone.

River Rafting Adventure: July 2018

 Kern River was quite the experience this summer. I sure am glad my friend has a bucket list from which plan our adventures together. Carving the time that works with five teenager's schedules is mind boggling, but I'm so glad we made it happen. . .even if I never need to raft again.

While we stayed in the raft through the rapids, our friends weren't so lucky and that was a scary experience. So happy no one was hurt and everyone worked together to get people out of the water--but still terrifying in the moment!  I can't even imagine if it was my littles flowing downstream in their life jackets!! Thankfully, it wasn't and all is well that ends well!

 Snapped one family picture before we headed home. 

 Mom and Bubba on the balcony. We were waiting for night to fall to see the "Bat Show."

 I always tell the kids to check out the masterpieces God creates as the sun sets. Sitting on the deck, with the sound of the river flowing, surrounded by majestic skies was no exception.

 I love that these sisters both wanted me to braid their hair and then sat together watching something. Sisters.

 Hiked up to Slide Rock. I only fell twice and we were met with this natural slide. Jonathan saw a snake in the water. I think they were crazy to go in, but they did. So I captured the moment from a rock not in the water. Snakes scare me.

 Janessa slept in the cutest teepee ever up in the loft. We all fit. That's how big it was!

 Daddy Daughter Time

 Plenty of time for kids when you're away from the hustle and bustle of schedules!

 Our backyard

 The river was flowing. So much so, in fact I was nervous for my Nessa Bessa. 

 Road tripping to see the sites!

 Big trees to explore at Trail of 100 Giants!

Summer is in Session

 This Summer I set about our plans very intentionally.  After the epic summer move of 2016, I craved fun and activity to fill our days.  I felt like we missed so many parts of the previous summer, I was making up for lost time!

 We started exploring the neighboring city of Riverside. There are orange groves and a small museum and fruit stand. The fresh fruit was delicious and we had no idea this much land existed so close to us.

 Grandma Donda moved down the street so Anthony paid her a visit. Grandma Ray has been visiting her on a regular basis.  Unfortunately, her facility is deemed scary for the other kids. It's not how Ernie wants his kids to know his mom, so they haven't gone. She does get excited to see the boys and it is what it is. Mental health issues are real and scary and life changing.

 We started Nessa back in swim just to freshen her skills. We felt like there had been too few swim days the summer before, so just in case. . 

 She excelled, and even started learning how to dive.

 Mikah's baseball team made it far in the playoffs so we traveled a bit to watch him.

 And then they played, because that's what kids do in the summer!!

 Our first smores at the newly built fire pit. They did not disappoint!

 And of course in June we celebrate Dads. Ours is pretty fantastic so he deserved to be celebrated and served on Father's Day hosted by us in our newly landscaped yard. The yard has been such a blessing to us. My dream of hosting and entertaining has come true!

Alan, Dad, John, and Ernie

 My Dad and his kids. We are the best parts of him, he says. We are blessed to have him and on this day, it was nice to serve and celebrate his role in our lives.

 A visit to the Bowers Museum was in order to check out the Freida Khalo exhibit. Wow!  What a woman she was. It drove us to read a biography and watch the movie about her very interesting life.

 This guy turned 16. Crazy to think 4 years ago we barely knew him--and now he truly is like one of our own. CUB-cousin, uncle, brother. He fills each role with ease. He is such a good kid, I can't wait to see what the Lord has in store for him!

Party time with the family and his friends celebrating the teenager who could be on his way to getting his license.  That is just crazy! Time is going so fast!  Here we are mid year--and I am barely documenting it eight months later. Time stops for no one. The kids are getting older. So are we!

End of the School Year Festivities

 It's hard to get so behind in my blogging.  These posts are my yearly photo album and with our smart phone cameras, capturing every little thing--I became overwhelmed with the documenting part.  So in a nutshell, these pictures all took place end of May 2017 to first days of summer in June. After a very rocky start for our Nessa Bessa, first grade ended successfully. She loved her teacher and she did well academically. This little girl has  heart for kindness, seeking out the lonely and bringing people together.

 These eighth grade girls are growing up into beautiful young ladies. It's so weird to drop them off and let them test out their independence slowly but surely. Giving them wings to fly but wanting them tethered close at the same time...awe, motherhood. Sweet, sweet motherhood!

 I finally got to go back to the horse races for a date day. What a nostalgic trip. It reminded me so much of the days there with my grandparents! Everything was more expensive, and gone was the day of betting with someone else's money...but for a second, I remembered that childhood joy that the horse races brought me.

 Memorial Day Ernie worked, but his side of the family planned a big barbecue at the beach. It was a lot of fun for the kids.  I loved watching them play catch and build sand castles with their cousins that they do not see nearly enough.

 Field trips were fun this year. I got to be a chaperone at every single one. I will always remember these days. Staying home and having the opportunity to be a part of my kids' lives has been life changing. This is and always would have been enough.

 International Day was an awesome compilation of dances all over the world. Our little hula dancer was my favorite!

 We went with our framily to Universal Studios.  It had been years for me!  This was another fun firsts with the not so little kids. Outings like this are so much easier now that they are grown--more expensive, but easier.

 Anthony was confirmed and made his first communion.  Ernie was his sponsor. So very proud of his commitmment to the Lord and living with integrity.  God has gifted us his presence in this home the last 4 years. Hard to believe college is looming in the near distance. . .

 And our beautiful Lene Bean is off to high school. Middle school was a breeze until a friend hiccup this year, but she handled herself with grace and was kind anyways. I am so proud of her heart and can't wait to see her amazing accomplishments in high school!

 Godly and gifted. That's our girl!

 Proud Parents

Summer months are here. Bring on the fun!