Something Lost, I'll Never Get Back

Once, thirty years ago, I lost something that was mine, but it never actually belonged to me. When I was sixteen years old, my Nana passed away suddenly. With her death, the first of someone I loved so much, came the sudden shifting of all our family dynamics. It was a slow and steady unraveling of the family I knew and loved. As a little girl, I spent many hours with my Nana. There are memories of songs she would sing to me, records played on the player, trips to the bank, and breakfast around the circular wooden table in the kitchen. There were also days she stayed in bed, television playing her soap operas as she battled with a sad blanket she couldn't shake. I spent time with her doing my hair in her bathroom. I secretly put on her lipstick and admired myself in the the mirror. Sometimes she would let me put her ring on my finger. It would slip as it was too big, but I would dangle it to show her and she would smile and laugh, telling me one day it would be mine. I believed her.

But when she died, her only daughter took the ring telling me when I was eighteen, and then when I was twenty-one it would be mine. I believed her. However, those milestones passed and the ring was never handed down to me. Our once close relationship dead. The damage done with broken promises, and pain inflicted on my young fragile heart. I lost my Nana. I lost her ring. I lost my Aunt. I lost my cousins. All gone forever, because although I let the hostility go, I chose to protect my heart. She will never hurt me again, because I choose not to let her. 

The only person who ever had my back completely was my Mom. My Mom chose me. She always chose me. Time and time again, she chose to acknowledge my pain, to validate it and to let me do what I needed to do. She didn't pressure me to, "forgive and forget." She left me to my own devices and simply sat with me. Perhaps because of this we were able to go forward.  There has never been hate in my heart, but there is definitley space and solitude with that woman compared to what may have been. I am okay with that.

God has been so good to me. Despite the losses, there have been abundant blessings and gains. I lost more than a ring and I'll never get any of it back again. Forgiveness was for me, not for her. 

Letters to my Littles: Telling it Like it is

My Dearest Children,

There is nothing you can do that will ever change my love for you.  There will be many choices you make over the course of your life and each choice will come at a cost; there will be a consequence for your action. This is truth: you determine the course of your life.  Your life is the sum of all your choices.

Sometimes Daddy and I will be in full agreement with what you choose.  Other times, we may disagree but please know this: through it all, we will always love you.  Our love for you is similar to God's love for us. We love you unconditionally.  There are so many labels that separate all of us and put us into certain boxes--but how about, we get rid of all that and simply choose to love?  Love through the good choices and the bad. Love through the labels.  Love through the divisions.  Love through familial discord. Love through and through to the heart of who every child of God really is.  Choose love littles.  Always choose love.

All my love always,

Mama

Pondering Thoughts on This Sun-Less Sunday

Sound of rain, cozy under blanket, books to read or movies to watch. Sunday at her finest.  Laundry to fold, dinner to prepare, menu planning to ease us back into the week. . .Looking forward to the last week of volleyball; basketball we have said good-bye to and transitional kinder is winding down.  We are reading and writing and this week we will finish up Chinese New Year and getting ready to celebrate Dr, Seuss Day. There is so much we can do, yet so much not necessary or it will drive me out of my mind.  Calm and consistency has been key to our learning this year.  And I have enjoyed every single moment.  I find it has challenged me, grown me, and inspired me in ways I didn't know existed.  Together we have created this year of memories that are irreplaceable.

My view on education continues to shift, and the emphasis we place on academics and extracurricular activities decreases.  We are preparing them for great futures, but are we preparing them for heaven?  Do we spend the same kind of energy studying the bible as we do for exams? Do we use lessons to teach good character and virtues at every chance we get or do we get tired and tell them no simply because we said so? Life keeps unfolding and presenting us with the good and the bad, the expected and the unexpected, and I'm just trying to be still and KNOW he is God.

We have decisions to make and I'm trying not to stress. I'm just leaving them in God's hands and saying, Here you go.  Show me what you can do with this.  And actually, I'm pretty okay with that process.  I'm surrounded by women God is placing in my life for such a time as this:  My Mom Heart group, my book club, my bible study group, my homeschooling mom friends, my other mom friends. . .He has me covered and I know it so I just keep keeping on.  What a difference a year makes!

If I have learned anything in this season of mothering, it is that the privilege has been all mine.  I have learned to turn the other cheek when it comes to differing opinion. I have learned not to get caught up in the comparison trap among friends.  I have learned that the state's expectations do not necessarily match up with mine.  I have learned that sometimes it's a little lonely to be different but completely necessary if it means guarding my kids' minds and hearts.  On this sun-less Sunday, I'm surprisingly content, unrushed and restful. I'm feeling recharged and restored  as we enter into a new week.

Bad Behavior

You know what's hard?  Knowing you're commanded to love even though you may not really like someone. Actually, maybe it's not the person you don't like--more like their lifestyle.  It's such a fine line between not being judgmental and not wanting young kids around behavior that tends to be inappropriate.  No one likes to  get cast like the crazy one, when all they are trying to do is protect their kids from growing up seeing too much too soon.  And really, we care about their perceptions of the people they know and love.  It is really about wanting them to remember, love, and respect the good attributes of family and friends while not having to explain the bad until they are old enough to understand.  Maybe by that point, the bad behavior or lifestyle choices will be outgrown.  One can hope. . .so I do.  And I pray a lot.  Every time I'm tempted to talk about it--I think have I prayed about it as much as I have talked about it?  I'm happy to report that I can answer that question with a resounding yes.  Prayer really does change things.

Blended

Sometimes I think if I don't write it, it's not really happening.  That would be the case when it involves the way our  life has become somewhat complicated.  After trudging through the summer months, we seem to have finally reached our stride when it comes to the Fall, school, and four schedules. Except for visitations, there is no rhyme or reason and it is frustrating to say the least.

I try to stay positive.  I try to behave myself when the arrival is unannounced or an hour and a half late. . .but the struggle is real.  It is hard to remember this man is mentally not well although his physical appearance tries to tell me otherwise.  To say the past half year--YES, it has been six months in this limbo--has been difficult is an understatement.  But yet, here we are.  We are all still standing, and probably better for it--all of us.  At least that is what I keep telling myself.

Yet, something has to change.  Some big decisions have to be made.  We can't continue the way we've been going without reigning in some of the freedoms and establishing clearer boundaries.  Without said boundaries, chaos ensues and there isn't time for that.  A has lived in the chaos long enough, and the rest of us don't thrive under those conditions, so hard conversations have to be had and definite, deliberate steps need to be taken to ensure the promise of a safe, comfortable life.  It's a life all kids deserve, but not all kids have the chance at.

I spoke to a CPS worker yesterday, unsure of what reaching out and asking hard questions might mean for the security of A.  But, Ernie and I recognize a need to move forward because things will not improve.   Health will continue to decline.  We already see it.  And if left to his own devices, we might all be left in a lurch.  So, I tentatively placed a call and was shocked to find out the reason we can't find A in a system is because there is no paper trail on him.  No case worker to check in on his life, his whereabouts, his happenings.  Because he has a guardian, the buck stops there.  And now that his guardian isn't in a position to care give, it's up to us to bring it to their attention and move forward.

The woman I spoke with said how fortunate he is to have us.  There are so many incidents where grandparents, who have been the care givers literally drop kids off because they are no longer capable of taking care of them.  These kids have very little chance at a forever family due to their age and they are forced to live in a group home.  I never really thought about what would happen to him if it weren't for us. We said yes to ease his dad's burden.  We said yes because we really thought it was short term.  We said yes because it was the right thing to do.  It still is.

But, it hasn't been without its problems.  And it hasn't been without its joys.  And therein lies the beauty of what it means to be His hands and feet.  We remark that we didn't realize how simple our life was before May.  But we also realize that as much as we have to offer A.  He offers us and the kids another vantage point.   And together we're writing an alternate version to this chapter of our lives.  It's what we do.  It's who we are.  It's our new normal.  And if you ask me on a good day, I will smile.  If it's a bad one, I will sigh. But I'll get up the next day and try to do it better than the day before.

Learn to do good; seek justice, correct oppression; bring justice to the fatherless, plead the widow's cause.--Isiah 1:17

And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’--Matthew 25:40

My Time is Now

Navigating the world of the daily chaos of life overwhelms me sometimes.  There are days I hit snooze on the alarm. Again. And again. And again.  Until I either drag myself out of bed to get the day going because I'm the adult. . .or?  Rule follower that I am, there really isn't another option.  Breakfast to make, outfits to approve, devotions to be read, prayers to be prayed, teeth to brush, hair to try to untangle and that is all before eight o'clock.  Second shift starts the minute the school bell rings and I spring into action with my pre-schooler.  She moves slower in the mornings.  She has to be coaxed.  She has to do it her way and sometimes with that comes running behind.

And the floors never stay clean longer than an hour.  The bathroom mirrors always seem to be streaked. Beds are never made to my standard but there has been an attempt.  Loads of laundry to fold.  Dishes to wash.  Meals to prep.

They come home from school in different shifts.  Homework to check.  Snacks to eat.  Shoes emptied of sand. . .on the floor.  Oops.Deep breaths sucked in as I try to remain patient.  Sometimes it works.  Sometimes it doesn't and I unleash unnecessary criticism or anger that I feel bad about the second it's out of my mouth. Supervising outside play, an outing to the park and then dinner time.

Making their plates takes the longest. Prayers are said aloud,  Kids laugh.  Adults ask questions and kids thoughtfully respond. . .and sometimes they don't. Milk might be spilled.  Nessa might ask to be excused quickly and then ask to eat again right before bedtime.  You just never know with her.  Kids clear table and a walk might be taken then bath time followed by books.  Sometimes I read aloud to the big kids. Sometimes I don't.  Teeth are brushed, prayers are said and then our individual nightly rituals begin.  I try to be present but sometimes I'm thinking of all that still needs to be done before I can put my feet up and call it a night.

The night wears on and alarm rings again.  Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

And after this week all I will have to claim and call my job is the above fore mentioned repetitive cycle of my life.  And that's enough for me now.  Finally, it's enough.  I could choose to make more money or more memories.  I'm blessed to have a choice.  To be able to stay home full time is not a luxury some people can afford.  Others might not want.  But for me, for once, I feel like this is the life I was born to live.

In between the repetitious cycle of our days, there are countless adventures, flowers picked, tears dried, booboos bandaged, jokes laughed at, Barbies played, plants watered, playdates after school, conversations had, field trips chaperoned, weekly classroom helper visits, library visits, art projects, baking days and everything else and anything else we can squeeze in. I am the first face they see at the end of their school day. . .

My life has been in the process of preparing for this change for the last six years.
This is it.
My time is now.
I can not believe this opportunity is finally mine.
I am a stay at home mom.
It's enough for me; the opinions of others are silenced by the swelling love and pride I have for this new profession in my heart.

A New Year

I've hemmed and hawed about blogging this year.  As I watch some of my blog sugar friends grow and branch out into other venues sometimes I've questioned what is my purpose in this space?  For two years I've evolved from a photo a day to finding my voice and writing down my words that are a part of my story.  This story that I've been passionate about sharing with our children since they were only a prayer in our hearts.  What used to be a fun hobby, scrapbooking, became burdensome, cumbersome, and not fun at all; howver, blogging is different.  And as I sent my 2012 book off to be published on Wednesday, I knew I wasn't done here.

This is my place to record my thoughts, prayers on my heart, memories of our ordinary days filled with absolute extraordinariness! In my attempt to be fear{less}this year, how can I not share this part of the adventure with my loves?  This is our written record of our days together, our metamorphosis into the beautiful creatures God has intended us to be.  I can not not write about it.

Pondering the closing of this space, may have partially been because lately I've been wrapped up in a story that is not my own and with that came the quieting of my own voice. I'm beginning to realize that sometimes when we love deeply, someone else's experiences may taint the pages of our story as we struggle to get them through it, to face the huge mountain right in front of them and figure out a way to get over it. And in those moments, my voice becomes a hoarse whisper, choked off in my throat because I can't do anything.  Not a single thing, except something, anything.  Does that make any sense at all?  It does to me because Love Does. So we've been doing quite a bit of just being these last days of vacation--enjoying our time together.

We rang in the New Year quietly since I've been sick and can not seem to shake it.  Stress does that to me, and I am just thankful God gifted me my health during the weeks I needed it most.

Pizza, poppers, dancing, and games filled our hours that night.  My brother visited for a little while which was a nice surprise.  Don't mind my pajamas( at least they matched)--I could have gone to bed at nine with the baby, but some other cute munchkins convinced me to party like a rock star! How could I say no to this kind of fun?!

This year my resolutions seem almost too simple, like nothing to write home about.  But their effect on my home is why I choose to do the following:

1. Keep reading my bible daily.  Also see that the kids devotional Jesus Calling is read together before they are off to school.
2. Get back on the bike.  I have only been on the bike once since Ernie's accident.  It is way nicer to wake up and do life together than to ride alone, but I must get back in the habit.
3. I have to get outside daily.  Janessa needs this.  She longs to be with the big kids, so I have to make this a part of our daily routine. . .walk to the park, play in the front yard, get her a bike.  Anything will do.
4. Start a book club.  I feel a stirring in my heart.  I just need to pray about it and go for it.
5. Count my 1,000 gifts daily and read the book again. I have the DVD series too, so maybe this could be the book club?
6. Keep simplifying with the home and shopping. Less is more. 
7. Cooking rut be gone--I must get better about cooking again.  No excuses! Planning ahead is key.
8. Be consistent with the kids and their rooms.
9. Carve out some quality time with the big kids and Ernie.  dates need to start happening.  Be intentional! Be spontaneous!  Be better about going with the flow!!!
10. Read aloud to the kids!!  Even though they are avid readers--I want this time with them--choose classics or favorites and stick with it!!!  Maybe one book to both big kids?

October 26, 2012

"The days are long; the years are short."--Gretchin Rubin

I'm not sure what it is about this week that makes this quote reverberate through my mind.  Could it be after three long weeks away, my husband is home, which makes it easier to enjoy the beautiful moments of our everyday chaotic, crazy extraordinary?

Maybe it's the fact that after his four year apprenticeship, Ernie is finally, officially done!  He is a journeyman now and with that comes a choice.  He can look for jobs that are closer to home and my head isn't subconsciously worrying that he may be moved at any second back up North or to Arizona.  This week we enjoyed four glorious days together.  Mornings, lunches, parent participation classes, and him spending some one on one time with the kids.  Oh lest I forget. . .the backyard is presentable again.

Could it be that Jonathan has lost four teeth in two weeks and Lene visited an orthodontist to talk about a two phase treatment?  Then I look at my youngest who will be three-years-old almost one month from today with her little, bitty baby teeth, cute gap in the front and all--stretched out so long in her footed pajamas across the bed and I think, wow!  Holding her cousin as she ran across the pumpkin patch yesterday, I noticed how perfectly he fit in my arms and how right he felt and realized how done I really am with having my own children from this body of mine.They are all getting so big and I'm here.  God has blessed me with this time here at home with them.

The PTA obligations, the Tech committee food truck event, student council speeches, the parent conferences I held this week for my part time job, talent show practice and Halloween costumes, the faith formation class I'm teaching, the imoms group I attend, the new friends God has blessed me with plus the old ones who have been a part of my growing journey. . .it's all so totally, completely worth it!!!  I am feeling so richly blessed.  God's had His hand in this all along and I am filled with gratitude that my eyes--this week especially, have been open to all the richness, all the beauty that flows freely through this little house of ours.

I breathe in His glories deeply, and I exhale complete and utter gratitude.  I've been a little busy in front of the camera, to take time behind it--and it feels so right, so good, so true, and so absolutely glorious!

September 21, 2012

This week I am happy to say that we are entering into the weekend with a kitchen remodel complete!  All that is left is the painting of baseboards and finding two new trash cans, but all is well in my little world that is thankfully less chaotic and more clean.

The kitchen consisted of new flooring and backsplash.  The dining area received a furniture face lift and a creamy color splashed on to the walls.  I love it.  It just makes the space feel more open and airy which is hard to do in a small area such as this.

Being home, cleaning up, and organizing chaos led me to be in the mood for some Fall decorating.  I am so happy to be home this year, to be pouring acts of service and love into my entire family, that dolling the place up a little was all fun and no work!

I remember this feeling fondly--nine years ago after our upstairs addition was complete, I had no need to step foot outside my home.  I was so happy in the space we created and so relieved that the chaos of renovating was finished that I desired to live fully in our new space and create family memories and routines and fellowship that was meaningful.  I feel the same way now.

The bathroom isn't done yet, but baby steps are being made.  I'm hoping it will be painted this weekend since the space isn't too big, but I don't really want to do it, because I got my fill painting the dining room last week!  But it has to be done and I want to be here, so I will work with eager hands as the Proverbs 31 woman would do...
"She selects wool and flax
    and works with eager hands.
¹⁴ She is like the merchant ships,
    bringing her food from afar.
¹⁵ She gets up while it is still night;
    she provides food for her family
    and portions for her female servants.
¹⁶ She considers a field and buys it;
    out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
¹⁷ She sets about her work vigorously;
    her arms are strong for her tasks."

Our Proverbs 31 study this summer seeped in to the very being of who I am, who I desire to be.  Being home with my family more this year is my opportunity to bless them and to let go of some of my needless desires for a perfect, organized space void of clutter and chaos.  This is the stage we are in and as much as it is our duty to teach the kids responsibility and discipline, it was His love, in light of His law .  This particular line struck me as I realized that sometimes I miss the heart of an issue because I am too focused on the end result, the rule that was broken, the trait that is underdeveloped.  I am a work in progress.  It is a work in progress. As are they.

I find it much easier to see my growth in my marriage over the years.  My husband doesn't have the same tendencies that the kids do, grating upon my nerves with whining or complaining, or seeming ungrateful some times.  He has become more and more my partner in parenting, the one I choose to hang around with simply because he is my best friend.  I choose him.  The kids. . .oh, I see so much of my ugliness sometimes in them.  I think that is why I react because I think I can teach them into obedience and becoming the good person God intends them to be.  But they are exactly who God intends them to be--as am I.  In all the parts I work on and want to change, I am still me and I am loved by an almighty God.  How blessed am I?

How blessed are all of us?  This year in particular as I have been given this gift of time with my precious babies--God knew it was just what I needed.  As hard as it is, as broken as I sometimes feel, as much as I want the best for these children of mine--none of it is easy. Being unselfish with my time and energy does not come naturally for me, I wish I could say it did.  God called me home as much to pour wisdom and love and change into me as it is to pour it into my kids.  I am the one who has a lot of growing and changing and becoming still to do.  And with His help, it is all possible.

July 25, 2012

Because we are waiting again, (shocking, I know) I thought I'd let my postcard from the cosmos inspire you.  With this roller coaster of a ride we have been on this summer. . .it would be easy to miss out on the moments of delicious pleasure life is still throwing our way.  The family barbecue, poolside with new and old friends alike, happy mail, and the way my son says, "Mom, I want a wife just like you, mommy,"  out of absolutely nowhere.  Or there is the head resting in my lap after a full day, or a request for tickling someone's back, ice cream, late nights, and lazy mornings.  Such full summer days, such sweet summer days, and the rest of it?  It's all background noise.  This summer won't be remembered as the summer we bought the house, or lost the house--it will be remembered for the enjoyment each new day brought.  The joy.  The excitement.  It will be remembered for the hundreds of tiny moments that were so beautiful, how could we ever forget?

July 18, 2012

Sometimes this little one can take or leave what is on our agenda for the day.  She would be content never getting dressed, hair uncombed, digging through her baskets of toys and cooking plastic food creations just for me--straight from her kitchen.  The life of a toddler. . .isn't it grand?

But we don't stay home every day, because there are two older siblings pushing to go here, to do this, or to do that.  So each summer day is filled with a precarious need for balance.  To do but not overdo.  And isn't that true with life, no matter the season?  Haven't we made a conscious decision to simplify? To cut out too many extracurricular activities that take away our family time?  To breathe deeply gulps of gratitude for this moment?  Summer need not be any different.  Rest is good.
And He said to them, "Come away by yourselves to a lonely place and rest a while." For there were many people coming and going, and they did not even have time to eat.--Mark 6:31


So as we enter the last four weeks of summer vacation, I remind myself to take my cue from my children. If the calendar space needs to be clear, so be it. If there are more days spent home together than out and about, lucky us!  How we are in the final stretch of summer is beyond me.  It crept up ever so slowly filled with delicious days of swim and play.  Ice cream and barbecues.  Such sweet memories already recorded in our memory--Now, rest.  We become a little bit choosier with our time, our energy, and our days.  Summer is fleeting.  This balancing act, is not.

July 2, 2012

With life changing, our surroundings will be different. . .how does one go about negotiating even more change as it effects our children?  I have a fourth grader and a second grader.  They will no longer be living right across the street from their school, and I'm not sure what to do about it.  We are moving to a neighborhood that is a little older in population.  Many of the neighbors were there when I was growing up, and now their kids are all grown as well.  Going to school in our neighborhood would mean an opportunity to meet other kids who live closer and develop new relationships.

That being said, neither child is thrilled with the idea of changing schools.  I can't blame them.  The one time I did in my junior year of high school was a disaster.  I met a small group of girls who took me in and were wonderful, but the overall transition to such a huge place was scary and if I had to do it all over again:  I wouldn't.  So, I pray for direction.  I pray that I know where the right place will be.  I pray for peace of mind for all of us as decisions are being made and put into place.

Change is good.  But it can be scary.  And that is why I am unsure where to go from here.  I love these little guys so much and I want the best for them, which mom doesn't?  A lot to think about.  A lot to consider.  A decision to be made.

June 25, 2012

It's early and I just couldn't sleep.  I feel like a little kid just waiting for the "big" event, which in our world is moving day.  I browsed one of my favorite blogs looking for inspiration in the home decorating world: Lemonade Makin Mama.  As I kept going back in time on her posts, I was reminded of my word for the year: GO.  Re-reading it six months later and I think, in that stillness when I really listen to His voice and allow myself to hear Him--He speaks.  He only speaks truth.  Always.

Half a year later and I walked away from my sixty percent contract, only to be led to a partnership where I will work twenty percent.  It is at my same site, but at a different grade level and subject. I am going.

Half a year later and we are going to move.  We are going to be closer to my parents and I think that proximity will be good in the raising of my children.  I have always said it takes a village and I believe this statement to be true.  I am grateful for the village: my family.  We will be closer to hear the stories of my 87-year-old papa who lives with my parents.  My kids can have servant hearts and learn ways to ensure his comfort and happiness only a couple doors down.  We are going.

Half a year later and the minute I worry about what to do with our current house.  God answers.  The same day.  The neighbor behind us is interested, she tells my husband.  Very interested, she tells me the next day.  She reiterates, "I want this to happen.  I will take great care of this place."  Moving to the corner will mean a larger lot, a larger space for her. . .where it has become almost bursting at the seams for us, it will be her definition of perfect. 

God is so good.  God's timing is impeccable.  God's plan and direction beyond anything I could ever have imagined!

Even when the voices are loud: insecurity, fear, indecisiveness, anger, children screaming. . .His voice is clear. Always.

May 24, 2012

Dear Daughter,

I know how much you heart is set on summer camp with the dance team you used to love, but dance camp isn't the issue--it's the bigger dance commitment that is.  I just don't want to share you with that competitive dance team again this year!  Having you back in our hearts and home this year has been such a tremendous JOY!

 I don't want them to have you at least five hours a week.  I don't want to not be able to schedule any fun family weekend outings between both you and your dad's crazy schedules.  Competitions were long days filled with lots of dancing, and make up, and frilly clothes...and sitting there and sitting there and sitting there.  All day long.  During dance season, I always felt I was battling for your heart.  I didn't have enough time with you to instill His truth, our guidance, and love.  I was tired. You were tired. Your siblings were tired because we were always on the go. . .up early, home late and what to do with your brother and sister during such full days focused on you--and your ten minutes of routines?  Ten minutes, love bug. All day long and hours of practice each week for ten minutes.

Now, if this was truly what your heart desired, we would consider it.  It would be extremely difficult to make it happen, but we would try again. . .or we can try again later when you're a little older.  But now?  You've been able to participate in two other shows since you didn't have the dance commitment--you were able to do what you love up there on a stage and perform.  You even had speaking parts this year, bug.  Being your mama, who doesn't want to see you get hurt, I recommended being a narrator so you would in fact be able to speak.  However, you had other plans.  Dorothy.  You won the role over eleven other lovely girls.  You wanted it, and you went after it and He blessed you with the part.  Finally, your voice was heard.

You blessed others with your beautiful voice when you sang at mass on Sunday.  If you were to join dance again, you would have to give this up too--as practice times conflict.  And, what about those plans we had for you to be my helper in Bubba's second year CCD class?  You were so excited to share your newest found faith in the consumption of bread and wine at mass this year. . .so excited to teach younger ones about the journey. 

But daughter dearest, if this is something your heart is set on,  I promise you it can be yours again in the future, just not yet.  Not this year.  What you might see as being mean, I simply see as not being ready yet.  You're not ready to get out there into the world with such little direction and  I'm not ready to send you.  We need more time here.  In this place, our home to guide you and grow you and to let you be little for as long as you can be!  You deserve the best from us--and although I know your dance teachers love you, it's different and we need you here.  Not the bustle and hustle of drop offs, and dinner away from our table, and late nights with no time for books and barely uttered prayers before you fall asleep exhausted.

I'm sorry love bug.  Dance team is not in the cards for this year.  A dance class, sure.  We can look into that--but the team?  Not happening again. . . yet.  I hope you can understand that this is not the end, but a beautiful beginning of what God can do when we intentionally lay the foundation at home first: spending quality time together, loving each other first, building His kingdom in our hearts, and shining His light to those we meet. 

I can't wait to see you on stage next week in the Wizard of Oz. . .and in November as part of the You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown cast. Keep shining His light and pursuing your passion!  Promise we will revisit the dance discussion another year.

Love Always,
Mom

May 22, 2012

The days around here have been long without my husband.  As his work load has increased, I am thankful and exhausted all in the same breath.  There was a time and may be again in the future, where the work slows down and a lay off is in store.  What I used to get so stressed about, has been a true blessing each time it has occurred. . .so I keep that in the back of my mind as I struggle with the daily demands of motherhood.  And I let myself bathe in the blessings of an abundance of work, long hours that mean bigger paychecks that will pad the bank account for the months to come.  My decreased contract might not hurt the pocketbook as much as it might have.

These long days remind me the reason I am choosing to stay home more next year.  It is impossible to do both jobs well: teaching and mothering.  It is impossible for me to function at the same caliber of excellence in my classroom, when I'm swimming around in my mind with thoughts of whether Lene knows her lines, if Bubba's project will get finished in time--and Dear God, please let Janessa take a nap AND sleep through the night! When I am home, I am thinking about the tasks my students must accomplish for the next day.  I am trying to choose whether my students can afford me being out of the classroom "just" so I can attend a craft workshop in my daughter's class for Father's day gifts. . .and I hate this struggle between two forces that never lets up.  Never.

For those who tell me it is possible to have it all, be it all, and do it all with careful planning and fierce determination. . .It is not for me.  Not anymore.  I could argue: but is it worth it?  Is it worth me not feeling that I'm great in any area--neither mothering, nor teaching?  The end of the year with eighth grade activities, in conjunction with my own children's end of year activities, topped with a husband's hectic schedule, compounded by a daughter asking to be a part of the competitive dance team again (I will save that for another post), is drowning me.

Rest is on the horizon.  But, oh how I need it today! Gulping in His peace and comfort because I know only He can sustain me when my world feels hectic and out of control.

Looking forward to tomorrow where a personal necessity day is mandatory since my husband is taking the day off so he doesn't miss Open House.  I will rest up then. I will rest with him and dream about the joys of summer which will be here in three very short weeks.  Thank God!

May 18, 2012

Ever since Bubba's health scare, we have been watching what we consume.  A little more than a month ago, a co-worker told me about Farm Fresh to You so I decided to try it out.  All of their produce is grown locally and is organic certified.  There are several options to choose from.  I started with twice a month service but loved it so much I now receive the goods delivered right to my door every Friday.  It's perfect because I can select all the items we especially like or are willing to try, but I can also customize my order to deny those veggies and fruits I might not have heard of or love.  Each box comes equipped with a newsletter and possible recipes to try.So far we have loved what we have received!

If anyone is interested in trying out the delivery service, I can offer you a discount code if you let me know in the comments or email me. 

Healthier eating is costing a bit ore, but I have seen a definite improvement in Jonathan's overall health.  His blood count has been consistent at his draws every three months.  No decrease which is a great thing!  Most importantly, he has gone from missing twenty something days last year to five this year!  I definitely believe a healthier diet is part of the equation.

May 2, 2012

Sometimes I really miss working at the High School.  Not enough to go back to work full time, but I miss that age of discovery and self-motivation. Not all students had their own dreams and drive yet, but as a Freshman English teacher I was able to see it develop over the course of four years with visiting students.

Teaching only eighth grade, I don't see it yet.  After I have taught them, they leave.  Rarely do they come back to visit their middle school years.  It seems they are happy to get on with it already and I get that.  I really do. . .but I still miss it.

Last week I had two unexpected visits that made me miss those high school days. . .the first a friend, who I have watched grow up in our neighborhood.  She drives now, is taking three AP classes and as a Junior is researching colleges for her future.  Application time is really right around the corner.  I admire those people who have the gumption to get out there and go the distance when it comes to college.  To leave home, live in a dorm, and experience college life is part of the whole "young adulthood."  Unfortunately, I had no desire to go away.  I was afraid to leave home.  I was the peace keeper.  I liked to make sure everyone else was okay.  So, I played it safe and attended a good school, five minutes from home and became a "commuter."  But it's just not the same.

So listening to this young lady, all her hopes and dreams swirling around and round, up and down, clouding her mind--I smile.  At least she has the confidence to take that first step away from home to see what is out there for her.  And I ask for prayer for her.  She has this other issue that she is working on. . .one that kind of just crept into her life unexpectedly and uninvited; one that has the potential to destroy all she has worked for if she doesn't conquer it.  So I ask for prayers for her.  This young woman has great potential, value, and worth and I pray she can see it in herself so she can conquer her battle head-on and defeat the enemy who whispers lies into her psyche.

The other surprise visit was from my almost twenty-one year old niece who currently resides out of state.  Apparently she was down here for a few days researching some places to live in the Fall. Greeting this young woman and her boyfriend, feeding them, and catching up was nice.  They have some lofty plans ahead but I think this trip showed them that they need to do more saving before they put the plan in action.  My niece reminds me a lot of myself--hard worker, living on her own at twenty and pretty in love with this guy she has been dating for four years.  My hope is that she doesn't jump into "their" plan, abandoning her family, apartment, and job before they are ready. Before they are married. Listening to myself with them...I walked a fine line between being supportive and saying how I really was feeling.  Then I listened to E and he put it all out on the table. No beating around the bush.  He called it as he saw it and I was grateful he was home.  Grateful he loves this niece so much that he would be nothing but truthful about the pitfalls of living with someone before they are married.  The dangers of moving out of state with no commitment between the two of them and God.  I was relieved it came from him.  I didn't dare broach that subject because, well. . .

I did live with him before marriage and I wouldn't recommend that to my own daughters.
What seemed practical then seems unnecessary now.
. . .and many relationships that start off with living together before marriage don't end with, well, marriage.  I remember hearing a saying, why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

But I didn't go there with my niece, not with the young man sitting there. Not yet.  There will be a time and place for that discussion. I didn't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable or create a division.  I just want her to be happy. And safe. And prepared. And I promise next time she comes to eat, I will make sure it is cooked all the way through! It's the stove--I tell you!

Freezer meal took on a whole new meaning with the un-baked spaghetti dish tonight!

So, I feel like a hypocrite.  Don't do as I did? That just doesn't sit well with me.  I don't think it will sit well with my daughters either.  How do you navigate those things you did that you would like your kids not to repeat?

March 30, 2012