Seven

The most beautiful rose given to me by my teenage son.

It has been seven years since I created this space to document the happenings of our life.  It's been over seven months since I have religiously blogged.  So much happens day to day that I've simply forgotten to come back to the place that was to serve as my children's scrapbook. Our published years are so fun to flip through, recounting the many memories we've made. The kids giggle over pictures of themselves and seem fascinated by the itty bitties they once were. There are three teenagers in the house now. Three. Let that sink in for a second. Then of course, the baby. . .who is by no means a baby any more. Our eight-year-old colors our world pretty with pom poms, unicorns, and slime. I really hate the last one. It absolutely blows me away that this is the life I am priviliged to live day in and day out. There are bad days, sad days, fun days, and days I can't even stay awake later than the teenagers, but they are beautiful days nonetheless. Beautiful simply because they are mine.

It boggles my mind that my presence is simply enough to validate my life. I came late to the stay at home mom role. When Lene mentions me working during her elementary years it pains me just a little bit. At that point I had cut my time in half, but I was still missed at some class parties and volunteering in the classroom. The thing is, I totally get it. I remember feeling that same way when it seemed everyone else's mom helped in the classroom BUT mine. I always wanted what I coudn't have and although my grandparents were great substitutes, it never was the same. Some things will never change, I guess.

For four years I've had the privilige of being home with my kids. The older they've gotten, the harder it seems to get. There are three school drop offs, all at different times. The three pick ups get complicated by the sports each of the three plays depending on the season. After school games and homework followed by a family meal across a dinner table makes for a busy, full life. But still, sometimes, my mind goes to that place of not being enough, not contributing enough, not doing enough with the education I received. Sometimes I look at my two Master's Degrees and wonder if they were a waste. Will I ever use them? Will I even be current when the time comes?  I simply have no idea.

I've been on both sides of the spectrum, and to be frank, each offered valuable gifts that I treasure. As a working mother, I impacted countless lives, I socialized with colleagues, I was in constant motion to continue to learn and grow. On the other hand, as a Mom who is home, I impact the lives in which I was called to be a mother, I socialize with other moms at pick up and at church, and I run a very part time business from home where I educate a handful of kids and work with their parents to help them flourish.   Both sides are debateable as to which is more important. Dare I say, both sides are debateable as to which is most valuable. It's time to let the debate die, people.

If I am equally fulfilled being home with my kids as I am working full time as an educator, then so be it. It's my life to live my truth, and it's okay if we see things differently. We were not made to agree on everything; we were made to be kind. Next time you're having a hot debate regarding working moms and stay at home moms, ask yourself if what you are going to say really needs to be said. If it has been said before, save it. Everyone wants their voices heard, but we all have our own stories to tell. Tell yours proudly and with love. Stay home if you want. Work if you want. Or don't. Your story. You write it.
 

Healthy, Happy, Beautiful

It has been so long since I've even thought about logging on to blog!

Once upon a long time ago, I thought the older the kids got, the easier it would be.  While there is some truth to the easier part in terms of they are capable of doing so much more on their own; life with four kids under this roof is bursting with activity!  With a first grader, two junior high kids, and a high school student, there are schedules to keep that require quite the commitment to organization!  Curently a tween and teen are running track at two different schools, while Lene's responsibilities with the Spring production are in full effect. Throw in youth group and faith formation for good measure and there you have three nights of the week slammed with responsiblities.

Managing school projects, homework, studying, writing class, working out, and household chores, and you have what I like to call, "organized chaos."  This has been the story of my life this year.  This is by no means meant to sound like a complaint.  Because in the moment, it sometimes feels that way, but upon reflection of this year I am struck by an overwhelming sense of joy.  I feel strong and healthy enough to manage it well most days.  I feel focused on what's most important but am learning what I can push to the wayside.  I constantly evaluate what I've added to our lives and how it serves us, whether it's a keeper or if we need to get rid of it.

This year of forty-one is surprising me.  And I've come to find out I really like surprises, as long as they aren't in the form of a surprise party where I am the guest of honor. Ha! Who knew that in focusing on my own health and fitness, I would become better equipped to handle the stressors that come with raising four kids. A smile sits at the corner of my lips with a satisfaction that is deep.  There have been some hard days in the past few months.  A couple relationships have withered and pretty much died.  There are emotions all across the board in dealing with the loss, learning to pray for reconciliation that you're never sure will really come. Having to teach your children that God is carrying you, especially when you don't feel Him. . .compounded by the female emotions and raging hormones has been challenging, but I'm still here. And I'm smiling the kind of smile that comes from a deep sense of contentment in my own skin. I am assured of God's promises, so it is easier to have the hard conversations we've been having.  God has been creating and grooming me for such a time as this. . .I feel it.  I know it to be true.  He picked me to be these kids' mother.  I am overwhelmed with gratitude!

Finally, I wish I hadn't waited so long to make time for myself to work out.  Sure I ran, but I didn't see a difference on my overall physical health.  My knee ached and still I pushed through, but incorporating weights and different types of cardio have made all the difference.  I want my kids to put their physical needs to the forefront--it will help them in all areas of life and I hope they learn this by my example.  Food is fuel and we can not simply keep running on fumes.  I wonder how much healthier, how much happier I might have been in the early years of raising littles if I had known what I know today.  I'm stronger today than yesterday and I'm pushing through because my health matters and I am important in the lives of these humans.

Family List: 17 in 2017

While we were at the dinner table one day last week, we brainstormed a list of 17 things we would like to incorporate more of into our family this year.

1. 1 hike/month to different places.
2. Family read aloud nightly
3. Daily devotionals
4. Re-do the backyard for summer
5. Be nicer to each other
6. Be more responsible and do your chores
7. 30 minutes of physical activity
8. Walk Coco
9. Monthly family game night
10. Try 1 new recipe/month
11. On on one play time with Nessa
12. Gratitude journal daily
13. More family vacations
14. House projects: bathroom and shutters
15. Kids in the kitchen weekly
16. Daily dinner conversation cards
17. Less devices more play

Family Fun time

More activity, less devices

Sick Snag

After months of a relatively healthy Nessa Bessa, we hit a snag.  She has been out of school for a week now with a cough and a fever that has just decided to linger.  It has been frustrating to think she's getting better only to watch her wilt and wither, fever inflicted. . .again.  Her diet has been a steady stream of applesauce, chicken broth, and popsicles.  Because, let's face it she eats what she wants when she's sick and I'm okay with that.  I'm happy she takes down anything at all! She just looks so sad and so sickly!  We've ruled out pneumonia and have started a new antibiotic regiment so I hope she's on the mend.  She will stay home with me this week too, and truth be told, I don't mind a bit.

One day sooner than later, if she's anything like my Lene Bean I will have to practically beg her to stay home with a fever because she doesn't want to miss a day.  True story.  about two weeks ago, Anjalene was the sick one.  She stayed in bed Sunday and Monday (President's Day)  with the same cough and fever.  Rather than  rest and not push herself, as I wanted. . .she went back to school so she can keep up with her studies.
Junior high life, I tell ya!

We spent a lot of time in the doctor's office.  Two appointments and an x-ray to rule out pneumonia.  We like to keep ourselves busy as we wait drawing fun things and Janessa is into documenting it.  So there's that.

We've kept caught up on school work and read a ton of books.  Mercy Watson books, as well as Piggie and Elephant are our current favorites.  A sweet girl from her class, dropped off a library book for her to read, and her teacher gave her some love and stopped by with a gift today: love letters! She has received text messages from dear friends and the teacher's aide.  It feels so good to be loved and to see her light up because she genuinely loves school!

There has been plenty of down time.  So much so we might have finished a whole season of Fuller House. Not completely age appropriate, I know.  But most of it goes right over her head or she was asleep through.  And it was my favorite for so many years  a long, long time ago!

Did I mention Ernie is sick too?  Not that he has allowed it to slow him down either.  He worked every day last week, the weekend, and finally took a half day today to go see a doctor.  I guess I never had to worry about letting my crew down when I was sick and in education.  There were subs who could follow your plan so you didn't lose a whole day of teaching time.  His job is different.  If someone isn't there, it makes the job more difficult for the entire crew; hence, he doesn't miss much.

So, here we are at the start of March and my new normal hasn't really started yet.  But it's okay, the luxury of my job now is that I just go with the flow and pray I don't succumb to sickness!

Letter to my Littles: Forty Today

My Dearest Littles,

Today is a milestone birthday for me. Forty. Wow, I remember when that seemed so old!  Today, on the celebration of my birth it feels like an open doorway into a special time and place.  There is no fear.  There is no woe.  There is simply a feeling of peace and contentment to have made it this far in life with the gifts of each of you.

Forty feels like a freedom to be who God made me to be.  Forty feels like wind in my hair, sunlight on my skin, and true joy radiating from the inside out.  It has only taken forty years to get me to this place, and oh what a fabulous place it is, sweet littles.  All the angst of my twenties long gone, and the hard parenting and career choices of my thirties a thing of the past, forty feels fantastic thus far.  I know there will be hard seasons of parenting teens and tweens up around the bend, but for now, this year, forty feels like I've arrived on the doorstep of a true gift.

I may have played it a little too safe in my thirties, so that we missed the boat to move into a larger house with more space.  But none of you want to move.  Your roots are here, what we have is enough and that fills my mama heart with joy!  I may have messed up with some relationships in the general sense of the word, "messed up," but I handled them. I confronted and asked for forgiveness.  I moved on.  If they can't, then it's no longer my problem.  I have learned to let it go. Loves, forty is a place where I know who I am, who we are in Him, and what He asks of me.  There is nothing more beautiful than living the life He intends for you. Nothing.

So today, on the celebration of the day of my birth, I write 40 wishes that I have for you:

1.  I wish you rainbows after the rain. . .think of Noah's promise, and then think of me.
2.  I wish you seasons of struggle to discover your strengths.
3.  I wish you perseverance to run the race set before you.
4.  I wish you enough love to last a lifetime.
5.  I wish you the ability to recognize when you've made a mistake in a relationship, and seek to make it right.
6.  I wish you a wonderous and adventurous spirit to explore God's beautiful world.
7.  I wish that you would always chase butterflies.
8.  I wish that you would always look for the good even when bad seems to be all the news covers.
9.  I wish you solid relationships with your siblings that will last your entire lives.
10.  I wish you never lose your sense of wonder.
11.  I wish you make art with your own too hands as often as you can.
12.  I wish that you would never compromise your morals or values to fit in to a world we were called to be set apart from.
13.  I wish you boldness to go out in this world and shine his light.
14.  I wish you spare change to buy surprise cups of coffee.
15.  I wish you peaceful hearts that will follow you all the days of your life.
16.  I wish you hours of deep conversation around a fire pit that keeps you connected with those you love.
17.  I wish you the kind of life that is lived in front of you, not on a telephone screen.  Look up. Live.
18.  I wish you an insatiable desire to read.  Books open the door of your imagination, they help you learn.  Fall in love with books and you have a friend for life.
19.  I wish you hand picked flowers, any time, all the time.  Brighten someone's day.  May your day be brightened too.
20.  I wish you a sense of competence in a world that wants to compete.  Do your best and God will take care of the rest.
21.  I wish you home made chocolate chip cookies fresh out of the oven.  Grab them hot as often as you can.
22.  I wish you walks on the beach waiting for sunset.  Notice the masterpieces.  He paints them for you!
23.  I wish you friends who accept you for who you are and love you for it.
24.  I wish you silent successes that scream you can do anything you put your mind to.
25.  I wish you the kind of marriage daddy and I have been fortunate enough to live.
26. I wish that you would never forget the elderly.  Always say hello.  Your life is not more important than theirs.  Never.
27.  I wish you clarity when making life choices.  Do what you love and it will never feel like work.
28.  I wish you freedom from the world's expectations for you.
29. I wish you courage to stand when those around you sit.
30.  I wish that your children will know the Lord like you do.  They are how you leave your legacy on this world.
31.  I wish you bike rides to the lake that always remind you of us, long after we are gone.
32.  I wish you camping trips with stories of the days from your childhood where you recall your camping stories.
33.  I wish you would use the gifts you've been given to help change this world!
34.  I wish for peace of mind and in your heart for all the days of your life.
35.  I wish that you always know how much we love you.  Nothing you can do will ever change that love.
36.  I wish you learn from daddy and my mistakes and you strive not to repeat them.
37.  I wish you recognize daily the gifts you receive.  Count your joys love.
38.  I wish for your hearts of forgiveness. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.
39.  I wish no roots of bitterness will ever be planted in your life.  Once planted there is no telling how long it will negatively effect your spirit. See the good.
40.  I wish that your lives will be long, your blessings many, and the love will run deep.

You, my littles are my legacy.  You are the greatest gift I will ever leave behind.  And on the day of my 40th birthday, I thank God for this time here on earth to pour into your lives so that I could better learn about my own.

All my love always loves,

Mama

This and That

I know I haven't finished with Hawaii yet, but life has been moving at warp speed.  So much good stuff happening around here!

 Little bought a fifth wheel and is working in Ventura right now.  His trailer is so nice!  I'm so proud of him and how hard he has worked to make a name for himself in his trade.  He is just like his dad.

 Ernie is still out of work due to his injury. I can not complain. It looks like surgery isn't necessary since the muscle tore away from the tendon, not the bone. . .according to the mri.  Looks like he won't be in surgery on my 40th birthday, after all!  I found him practicing the guitar last week.

 I also found him taking a nap.

 This one lost another tooth and dresses herself now!

 Three times a week, I've been getting back in the hang of running.  This is my best time so far.  I keep debating about a 5k in Temecula at the end of the month.  I should just pull the trigger and do it, if nothing else but to end the race with a glass of wine waiting for me!

 This kid ran for Vice President at his school.  He got it.  There was nothing I was more proud of than the way he got up early and wrote out some verses about winning and losing.  He had the right attitude and the speech he wrote on his own, with a "Just do it" at the end was pretty great too!  His Nina went out and made sure he had a cross to wear.  Grandma provided the scapular.  We provided the shark tooth.

He is turning into quite the young man.  Hard to believe that this is the last year of elementary school for him. It is hitting me, that he too is growing up and coming into his own.  

After viewing the movie "War Room" with a couple of my faith filled friends, who I cherish our time together so, Ernie helped me to create my own little room to focus in prayer.  I love it, even if Janessa told me we have to share "her personal space."  She cracks me up!

We were able to squeeze in a play date with Sarah.  It actually was a cooking afternoon.  The blueberry muffins were a crowd favorite, but the apple cake was a hit with the big kids, so. . . 

That's all for now--a whole lot of this and that, but definitely things I want to remember because the days have suddenly become shorter with everyone in school.  There is so much to be done, but right now I'm making myself enjoy this alone time with Big E.  It's like this huge gift right before I leave the decade which were my 30's. . .and into the hopeful unknown of my 40's. Life is good. Live it well.

Wise Words Wednesday

Mom Verse for Life

School is Back in Session. . .

And I'm not really sure what I think about it yet.  After tonight, all we will have left is one more Back to School Night to get a grip on this whole high school thing.  The routine hasn't been too hard to get re-acquainted with.  It's the me here in this house alone that boggles my mind.

The first day of school E took off work to walk all the kids to school.  I thought there might be tears.  There weren't.  Grandparents and Godparents thoroughly surprised us on a quick visit on their way to the airport for a ten day vacation.  Seeing them helped my heart.  Nessa's nino came by with an offering of donuts and chocolate milk that was met with hugs and more pictures.

My last little was heading off to school and I was sad but determined to be strong so she didn't have any issues.  And she didn't.  We took some pictures, said good-bye and were on our way.  It was so strange!

 We celebrated a successful, short day with sushi, of course.

Then we went to visit papa, at his new home while his caregivers vacation.

He was pretty happy to see us and tell us about the ladies who are giving him all kinds of attention! Janessa included.

And the week has been a blur of supplies and letters and schedules. . .it's a lot to keep track of with 4 kids at 3 different schools, but I think I've got it.  Nothing is going to feel "real" until a long awaited vacation happens and my writing classes begins.  I have added another class to teach  and I'm really  looking forward to it.  It's just the strangest week with everyone in school.  The house has not been this clean in a long time. . .and it has only been three days!  We're talking windows!

Walking to school with her bff makes the day off to an even better start! 

Day 2, on my first day home alone, I came upstairs with laundry and poor little lambie, was just sitting on the floor waiting for Janessa's return.  It was the saddest sight.  I couldn't decide who was missing her more. . .

There has been plenty of time for afternoon swims. . .and it sure has been hot enough to demand our attention!

Four days in and this one was uncooperative in the picture department.  She also asked when it was a day off.  School is tough to get used to, but thankfully all of the kids have adjusted well and seem to like their teachers.  This year is going to be full.  I've already met with the school counselor to get our Character Ed program off the ground on the 31st.  I have 2 teachers who are eager for weekly help, plus my MOMS group at church. . .schedules fill up but with the things that matter most to me.  This is a dream come true. My dream.  I feel so incredibly blessed and want to always remember these days.

Summer is Officially Coming to an End. . .

I don't know how it happened, but Summer officially ends today.  Tomorrow, bright and early all four littles will be off to their first days of school!  It has been an incredible summer filled with firsts and lasts.  I am so sad to see it end, but so excited to see what this year holds.  This new beginning opens a door for me to grow my business a little and help out in the kindergarten class.  It's going to be fun!

These lasts weeks have been filled with glorious pool days with friends.

 Lunch in the park in between back-to-school shopping.

 A kindergarten kick off party with friends.

 A birthday party for the American Girl Itty Bitties: Bella and Jacob.  Because celebrations in summer are special.  And opportunities for Lene Bean to create in the kitchen are exciting to watch.

Laser tag and pizza parties with friends.

 Prayers around school campuses to cover our kids, teachers, staff, and families in prayer.  I'm so thankful for these prayer warriors in my life!

 Building card house competitions.

 Coloring outside pool side together.

 Fashion shows modeling new outfits for school.

Picnics at the park to watch airplanes take off and land, followed by a walk to the lake to see the ducks.

 Beach trip outings with large waves and searing sun.

And the best things always involve the people I love so much.  The time we spend together is treasured and the memories we made this summer run deep.  I am so blessed to be able to call this my life. My people matter most to me and this time I will never get back.  Littles, I love you like no other and have enjoyed out summer together more than you'll ever know!