That Was Then. This is Now.

It is different, but still good. Happy Father's Day, Dad. You've handled the last eight months of catastrophic loss with love and grace. You are doing the work to grow through the grief, and I am so very thankful for the ways you've shown up even on the hard days. I notice. My kids notice. Mom and John Michael would be proud. 

I love you more. xoxox

Mourning on Mother's Day

Sitting in the quiet of a sleeping house, I woke to my first Mother's Day without you. There is no fan fare, gift given, food made, that will ever replace the ache that is in my heart without you here. As fate would have it,  I am sick again. There would be nothing that would have kept you away. You would have arrived, home made soup in hand, and just sat with me for awhile. We would have watched a movie. Remember how we were supposed to see, Book Club 2? Well, it's out now. You were so good at showing up and you always chose us. Your presence, such a comforting gift. The only one I really ever needed.

I can see now, some of the things that made you "you," are some of the qualities that I will spend the rest of my life trying to emulate. Bits and pieces of your vivaciousness, your generosity, your laughter, your light. These are the gifts I will carry tucked away in my heart, and hopefully given away to the world. I am only me because of you.

It is lonely here without you. No one seems to care, love, or know me in the same way you did. I carry this grief around like a second layer of skin. It is always with me and I desperately want to shed it. I want to only think of you with that joy that you so beautifully exuded. I want to laugh a little louder, love a little larger, and live a life that you would continue to be proud of. 

I will think of you as we celebrate with our favorite brunch foods this morning. Anjalene did everything herself, without being asked. It was her idea to celebrate in the same way we usually did. I will miss your large laugh as we toasted the morning away with mimosas in hand. Janessa, your mini me, will say and do things that will give me pause as I see so much of you in her. I will appreciate these glimpses and proudly let her be herself. She is growing so confident and secure in her own skin. She definitely gets that from you! Jonathan, will quietly miss you in his own way, his saddness tucked away in the recesses of his heart. He will keep working and doing just like you did because, "That's what Grandma would do," he'd say. He would be right. Anthony will probably work and stop by late or on another day, and you'd tell me, "He'll come back. He knows where his place to land is." You, of course, would be right...just like you were with Little. Ernie will make me laugh as he often does retelling the best stories of you. You spent so much time with us, there are plenty, and one day I will write them down so my kids will know their great grandma too.

I hate doing this life without you. I wish we had more time. We were so different, but so the same if that is even possible. There is this tiny bit of peace that you have John Michael to celebrate with you, and then my heart breaks all over again because I just can't fathom he is gone too.

"Enough tears," you would say. The kids will be up soon. They need me. Just as we were your why; they are mine. There is food to eat, stories to tell, life to live, and I am here to live it.  Happy Heavenly Mother's Day, Mom.

Love you forever; I'll miss you for always.

A Lesson I learned the Hard Way

A lesson I've learned the hard way is that you may not have the time you think you do with the people you love. I watched it happen in other families, someone died suddenly, but I never really understood the gravity of that statement until it touched me directly in such a devastating way. To have this type of loss so close together has been life changing. Losing my mom and brother so quickly left absolutely no time for the type of good byes or acceptance I had, I guess, imagined. To lose a mom and brother twenty-four days apart in such tragic ways has changed how I look at life. It has caused regrets. My mom always talked of having none...but I wonder how that is, because gosh I sure have them!

I am learning to say yes more often.  

I am learning to make the effort, do the thing, love the people.

I am learning to ask the questions, have the conversations, make the peace.

I am learning that there really are no do overs.

I am learning that all that petty stuff never mattered.

I am learning that God's plans make no sense to me, but He is going to make them regardless.

I am learning to let people be who they are and love them regardless.

I am learning that self preservation is okay and protecting my peace is crucial.

I am learning to do better.

I am learning to be better.

Mom's Birthday

What started out as an innocent tea party request from Nessa for Grandma's birthday, turned into the sweetest, pleasant birthday surprise!

As is no surprise, women turned up for this celebration.  My mom is many things to many people, and her affect on their lives was pretty evident as they carved time out of their Sunday to celebrate her.  She was quite overcome with emotion, which was neat to see.  I think we really surprised her and it was nice to do for her and watch her sit back, relax, and enjoy her time with family and friends.  Happiest of birthdays, Mom.  We love you so much and had such a good time celebrating you!!

Bridal Shower

The day keeps getting closer and closer!!!  One more event down before the bride and groom become Mr. and Mrs.

Birthday Blessings

To the man who I am blessed to call my husband.  

Happy Birthday Honey, so glad to be able to adventure together!  

Me too

We had read.  We had prayed.  We had blessed. . .and I had just sat down with a book, ready to read and relax after a long day with fifth graders on a field trip, followed by supervising a group project after school. I was done. I was settling in when a small voice called out, "Mama?"
     "Yes, baby bird?"
     She paused.  I actually felt the hesitation in the air.  "I miss Papa," she said finally, her voice catching at the  end.

I immediately put down my book, pushed in my recliner and rose.  The walk to her room is a short one, but from the doorway I could already see her tears freely falling.  I sat beside the curve of her body and wiped tears away, rubbed her back, and smoothed down her hair.  "Me too, Nessa.  Me too."  And then I just held her until she fell asleep, thinking to myself. . .this missing that she feels will never truly go away.  "Grief changes shape, but it will never end."--Keanu Reeves

Papa is one of the first of many she will come to lose whom she has loved.  And grief will change shape through the years, but it will never end.  I feel it too.

Love Letters

He has always stopped to pick me flowers.
Now he looks for any and every sign of love to share with me, his mama.
He has my heart...in the palm of his hand.  May he always be a noticer of the love letters God leaves for us everywhere.

The Magical Memory That Will Last

Last weekend we were blessed in a HUGE way.  I must back up though for the blessing of it all to be really understood.  Jonathan asked about going to Disneyland during a casual conversation one night after dinner. Of the four kids he really is the only one that hasn't been in the last three years.  He doesn't actually remember his last trip, he thinks it was when he was a baby.  He's practically right:  he had just turned four the last time we used our Disneyland passes before they expired.

I immediately started adding up in my head what this trip could cost if all of us were included.  It was a number upwards of 800 dollars.  I told him maybe we could take Janessa and him for his birthday if that was what he really wanted.  That price tag seemed a little more up our alley.  Here's the thing:  we could afford to take a family Disney trip.  But Ernie and I decided that wasn't a good use of that much money.  We could stay overnight for a weekend getaway for the amount it would cost us.  We just couldn't justify the huge expense for one day of fun.  We just couldn't do it.

Fast forward a few days later.  It was late and I was checking my email before I went to bed.  The house was sleeping and I saw an email from a dear friend.  This woman I've known about twenty years.  I was blessed to volunteer beside her in a classroom with her kindergartener and my little brother.  I wqent on to have the pleasure of teaching each of her three children at different points in their lives. . .elementary, junior high and high school.  Her presence has been a constant in my life.  They attended our wedding.  We email periodically to keep in touch and now her oldest is a teacher.  It feels we've come almost full circle.

This woman is the type of mom I always dreamed of being, even when I had to work full time.  She was involved, as most moms are.  But she had a quiet presence that just exuded love and acceptance of her children just as they are.  I've always looked at her as their soft place to land.  She shared resources with me through the years, manipulatives,  and educational toys and a binder of articles she had gathered through her parenting years.  She was my mentor mom before I even knew what one was.  She still is. . .

And recently her role is shifting as her children are young adults and spreading their wings.  I imagine it is much harder than she could ever explain in words because her kids are her heart walking around outside her body.  So, I read her update about her kids and how she had more free time these days in addition to a part time job with children that she loved, so she decided to follow in the footsteps of her three children and applied and accepted a job at Disneyland.  The last lines did me in: With that said,  I know you and your family have been through a lot this past year.  I would like to offer to you and your family six tickets to Disneyland for Saturday, January 30, 2016.  Please let me know if you are interested.

I sat there still and immediately tears poured from my eyes.  I found myself silently sobbing as her offer became real.  Merely a few days before, my son was asking to go here, and suddenly God had put it on this woman's heart to gift us in this incredibly generous way!  It was almost too much for me to wrap my head around.  I just kept thinking, God sees all.  He knows all the prayers on our heart.  I was overjoyed and filled with such gratitude immediately.

Ernie and I decided to keep it a secret from the kids.  It was going to be so fun to surprise them in this way!  And it absolutely was!!!  The morning of we told them how to dress, had our snacks packed and we knew it was going to be a long, full day of fun!  The weather was cold, but not raining--God saved that for the next day!  The kids were shocked that we ended up at Disneyland.  We told them the story of how this came to be and they were dumbfounded and filled with gratitude as well.  It was a beautiful moment.

Our 1st family trip to Disneyland!

With our friend who makes dreams come true!

I'm not going to try to recount all the events of this day.  It was layer upon layer of fun.  It was quality time away from the demands of home and work.  It was absolutely magical.  There was something so beautiful seeing the park through Nessa and Bubba's eyes.  The trip was not taken for granted because we had been there countless times before.  It was a gift that they cherished which was completely evident all day long.  

The ride lines weren't an issue because we were busy plotting our next steps. Of course Janessa and Bubba would be adventurous and conquer  the Matterhorn and Space Mountain with no fear.

I just love daddy/daughter shots.

This guy was given an honorary citizen pin by one of the workers.  Made his day!

Snack coupons were even included!

One of Janessa's best friends (mom is one of mine too) happened to be there on this special day.  So we documented it and rode the Pirates of the Caribbean, twice!

As if things weren't perfect enough, tickets, snacks, and Honorary Citizen pin, lots of rides. . .we decided to watch the Paint the Sky parade.  We were up by the train station and had a decent view, but then a man and his wife moved out of the way and offered my kids the railing!  It was so generous, I teared up.  The parade was beautiful and just added to the magic of our entire day!   

The day was incredibly magical from start to finish.  We stayed pretty much up until they closed.  Janessa walked the entire time making me realize our baby days are indeed. . .over and the kids are at ages that made me not as frantic about the crowds. All in all, it was such a great day!  The way this trip unfolded was a pure gift.  The time we spent together. . . a gift.  The magic the memory will forever hold. . .a gift.  

Christmas Continued

 Christmas at grandma and grandpa's was for the most part, just us.  Celebrating the holidays with only my brothers and their families means so much to me.  It's so nice to have the cousins together, running wild (in pajamas this year), tamales for dinner, and a mint and chip pie for dessert.  An Uncle and Aunt came by for a little bit, but for the most part, it was hours upon hours of us celebrating Christ's birth together.  As usual, Grandma went overboard with the presents.  I know she finds joy in giving, but so much stuff just messes with my senses.  I automatically get a little anxiety wondering where everything will go. . .or worse yet, knowing the next couple days will be spent purging unnecessary and outgrown goods.

We celebrated a newly engaged brother with a toast.  I am so happy to see him happy.  It has been quite a year, but as usual, God's plans are so much greater than our own. I might not realize the greater joy in this celebration, had there not been so much distance and quiet to work things out on their own.  

 We had some cool hats to wear for good measure.

We watched the kids open gifts, and then we savored the slower opening of our own.  My mason jars and trays were my favorite gifts by far!
We laughed around the table with a fun game called, Pie Face.

It was definitely a crowd favorite!  But most of the time was just watching kids interact, and conversations among siblings and spouses.  It was easy and quiet, really.  Papa's presence was missed, but felt, I think.  At least it was for me. . .and at the end of the day, all that remained was the newest cousin, our baby niece, Monroe Marie. . .and I could only thank God for the peace she had brought to this gathering on so many levels. Christmas 2015 was in the books, but in many ways it felt like an invitation to live a bigger, simpler life.  How, you ask?  I'm praying over how I might be able to show you.  Peace.

Christmas Festivities

Christmas came and went this year, as it usually does.  As much as I felt it creep up on us, I feel like I savored so many quality moments.  Shopping was scaled back, less expectations of myself meant rejoicing when we accomplished a full day of baking and packaging for neighbors.  It's almost as if we accomplished more when I expected less.  We started gift giving a little early, when Janessa's Nina headed back to Spain for the holidays.

 It was nice to have her local, but we just want her to follow her dreams and be where it feels right for her.  So there were no tears this time when we said good-bye.  We know she will be back so we just keep her safety in our prayers.

And her relationships.  Prayer is all we have to offer when we're on opposite sides of the globe.  But all is well.  It shall remain so.
On another note, Dad took his daughters on an afternoon date to The Nutcracker even after working all through the night.  He is my hero...and such a good daddy!

Christmas Eve was just us this year.  Ernie's family traditions have changed, and now that both of his parents are in homes, it gets a little tricky.  We were able to pick up Pa, attend church together, eat a most delicious prime rib, followed up with R & B Christmas music and puzzle building.

The only evidence I have that we were all together, even if it was only for a little bit.

We read the Night Before Christmas as is our usual tradition and kids fell right to sleep before 10:30 pm.  It was so strangely quiet.  Ernie and I sat in the living room, illuminated by soft white twinkle lights and flickering candles soaking in the simplicity of the holiday.  It was so nice, we reflected on Little stopping by after pulling a 24 hour shift.  It was odd for him not to be here, but he is forging his own traditions with his fiance.  Praying they always keep family first. . .We also got a visit from my brother.  Seeing my niece and holding her in my arms, even for just a few minutes made the night complete.  Everything was oddly peaceful in the most beautiful way.

Christmas morning, kids slept in until about seven and then we were unwrapping their three gifts.  The older they get, the more I absolutely love this tradition of gift giving.  This year we picked "Advent Angels" and the kids had to hand make a thoughtful gift to the sibling/cub (cousin-uncle-brother) they chose.  Watching them watch each other's face as their gifts were unwrapped blessed my mama heart!

Eventually, the mess that remained was beautiful.

Grandparents stopped by for a bowl of menudo.  Uncle Scotty dropped by to drop off gifts too. And then we headed outside to wait for Santa and play with some of our gifts.  I never tire of this tradition.

 Eventually, my brother and his family showed up with exciting news.  And the festivities would continue at grandma and grandpa's house. . .

My Last Tribute to Papa

Our papa may have been a man of few words, but his life was a living example to us.  He was a doer by nature. He was  a hard worker both on the job and at home.   

He was busy doing dishes, or sweeping floors, doing yardwork, piddling away in the garage, or taking us out on cardboard hunts. The station wagon, a back yard perfect to get lost in, and a bar with slippery floors for spinning were a kid’s delight.  Growing up, his bark was way bigger than his bite. He teased us, he gave heavy handed birthday spankings and if you passed by him too closely, you might get a, “skeetz. . .”  

Papa was present in all the moments that mattered most to us.  I remember fondly the day I gave birth to Anjalene, his first great grand-daughter, named in part for his love, Angela.  He sat in the waiting room until after midnight to welcome her into this world. And my brothers would agree, he was at birthday parties, games, confirmations, graduations, weddings, and births until his knees started slowing  him down.  Alan and I will always have the memory of vacationing in Hawaii with him.  Seeing Pearl Harbor after years of hearing his war stories was a moment we won’t soon forget. There were always stories of serving in Italy with John Wayne told time after time. Papa’s love of westerns ran deep and were often playing when we stopped by for a visit. It was easy to get lost in a “shoot em up cowboy” movie with him.

But in the end, it wasn’t Papa’s service that made him one of the bravest men we knew. At 91, he  willingly and confidently stared death eye to eye day in and day out over the last couple of years.  Bravery became waking up each day and still being here, despite a set of knees that were becoming increasingly uncooperative and were limiting his ability to get out and socialize. To be brave is to confidently know where we are going when this life is over, palms uplifted, to offer ourselves as the sacrifice.  That is bravery.  And there he was, glasses on, prayer book in place, rosary in hands: praying.  His very life had become a living prayer.

His body ached and the only thing that probably brought any type of real joy to his confined life the last four months was the hope of heaven.   We didn't see fear when we looked into his eyes. There was  a peace about him because he knew what awaits.  He knew there would be a grand reception and his soul would be set free from the body that was failing him in his old age.   He was ready.  He wanted to be called home.  He wanted God to usher him into the promised land.

So from bed, he prayed diligently.  He prayed with a steadfastness and conviction that only comes from knowing and believing in our God.  He didn’t fear his death.  He welcomed it.  And that brings us comfort. . . that God would guide papa to the ultimate peace, the peace we have looked for our entire lives, but could not be found until our final moment on this earth.  His homecoming, surrounded by all of our love and prayers, was a beautiful moment.

The last words he spoke to me mid-week when I asked, “How are you?” was his traditional response, only this time whispered, “Still here.”  It was in that moment that his answer became the window into his soul.  He had poured into our lives in his own silent, strong way since the day of our births.  The power and depth of his words weren’t lost on me.  He will always be here, in our hearts for as long as we live and his legacy will be his love.

Forties Festivities

The first week of forty has been filled with family, friends, and celebration.

 I went to wine with two girlfriends.  The shop closed too early so we went next door and sat on the patio talking about all our parenting imperfections.  I feel blessed to know these women, to bare our souls and to laugh at ourselves and with each other when it's necessary.  There are no airs, only love.  Sushi, pho, and Eureka burgers also happened this week. It's a beautiful problem to know this kind of love, let me tell you!

My war room is growing.  I just love everything about it!

 Talented friends created beautiful gifts.

 My brothers showed up to the Golden Days Parade festivities.  That's all I really wanted--all of us in the same space doing something we had enjoyed as kids.  It was very nostalgic.

We celebrated Uncle Frank's birthday on the patio.

These girls are a hoot!

Sitting on our corner.

 We ate at an oldie but goodie.  I had been craving Mexican food for awhile.  My nina Karvel made the best lemon pound cake and a chocolate cake that were delicious.  It was a little rushed as I like to get the kids in bed at their bed times during the week, but I appreciated all of my family who showed up.

 A gift that I had permission not to share. . .

 Mimosas with my mom friends.

Mass was celebrated by the priest who married us.  I adore Fr. Peter Dennis.  It felt like a huge blessing to have him be the celebrant at mass the morning of my special day.

And Ernie, made this birthday pretty spectacular.  I had forty gifts to unwrap.  He overdid it.  The gifts were so thoughtful and meaningful and comprised of the things I love.  That morning he got up early with me to see what we could accomplish running wise in forty minutes.  We ran five in a little over forty and it felt good!

I always tease I have a birthday month, but the reality is. . .I squeezed all my fun into a week this year.  It was loud, and wild by my standards and filled with the people I care about most.  Forty is off to a fantastic start.  I think I'm going to like it here.  Yes, yes. . . I think I"m gonna like it here! (Sung in my loudest Annie voice)