Nessa Bessa

Dear Nessa Bessa,

This letter is long overdue!  Your 7th birthday has passed but not without a flurry of excitement.  This is the year you were going to stop coming into our bed--well, a month since your special day has passed, and let me tell you, there hasn't been a day without waking to your warm little body snuggled against mine.  Do I mind?  Not yet. Maybe because you're the baby I truly am treasuring all these lasts with you.

This year has been a whirlwind.  Notice how often I did not write in this blog.  I was capturing memories for my mind and there they will stay forever.  One that stands out to me is going back to our 7th St. home to pick up mail--the move had been so hard on you, we know.  But that day, you called me on the phone with such excitement in your voice.  "Mama, I didn't cry!" you called out excitedly.You were so proud of yourself for facing a hard situation and not losing it.  I was so proud that you did it--you went.  I wouldn't have cared if you cried or not, but hearing that pride in your voice, made my heart swell!

As only God can do, he authored a new chapter in our book.  He moved us into a home we wanted while I was pregnant with you 7 years ago.  You know the story.  What you may not always remember is how hard it was for you to switch schools.  You cried, saying you missed me.  I came to realize you missed the idea of me.  Before you could always see your 7th St. house and it have you comfort thinking I was right there. Here, everything was new and I was not able to be seen.  But God brought you one of your dearest friends to join you.  Lincoln made life a little easier.  And you began to thrive!

This year you've been such a sweet older cousin to Monroe.  You love her like a little sister and I love watching you with her.  You and Cadence and Josh are close as ever and have so much fun any time you are together.  You are my little adventurer, but my homebody, my love bug.  You tell me, "I love you," at the most unusual times and it fills my heart with joy.

You made some sweet friends: Natalie, Cammie, Madison, and Camila. You joined a book club....I wish I could find a good one to join!  You tried dance again.  You were a Daisy.  But then you told me, "I think it's time to just be me."  I'm not sure what you mean exactly, but I'll wait expectantly and patiently as you figure it out.  You have a heart of gold.  You have been such a blessing to this family.  I can never thank God enough for bringing you to me.

I love fining you stretched out on the floor, or in front of the fireplace, or on your bed reading aloud.  Your little voice sounding out words and figuring things out for yourself slays me.  I am so incredibly in love with my family--all of you add so much to our little orchestra.  You mean the world to me baby bird.  Always know that.

I wish you a Happy Birthday.  I hope all your dreams come true.  I pray the Lord blesses you with good health and a long, happy life.  You are my sunshine on a cloudy Day.

"I'll love your forever, like you for always. . .as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be,"

Mom

Me too

We had read.  We had prayed.  We had blessed. . .and I had just sat down with a book, ready to read and relax after a long day with fifth graders on a field trip, followed by supervising a group project after school. I was done. I was settling in when a small voice called out, "Mama?"
     "Yes, baby bird?"
     She paused.  I actually felt the hesitation in the air.  "I miss Papa," she said finally, her voice catching at the  end.

I immediately put down my book, pushed in my recliner and rose.  The walk to her room is a short one, but from the doorway I could already see her tears freely falling.  I sat beside the curve of her body and wiped tears away, rubbed her back, and smoothed down her hair.  "Me too, Nessa.  Me too."  And then I just held her until she fell asleep, thinking to myself. . .this missing that she feels will never truly go away.  "Grief changes shape, but it will never end."--Keanu Reeves

Papa is one of the first of many she will come to lose whom she has loved.  And grief will change shape through the years, but it will never end.  I feel it too.

School's Out for TK

Dear Janessa,

This has been a dream year.  You have not always been the dream student, nor have I always been the dream teacher, but I like to think that these are days to remember.  I imagine one day when I am old and gray, sitting on my rocker on my porch, I will think back to this year as one of my happiest ever.  I got to do what I love: teach to someone I love: you.  There are so many moments etched in my memory forever.  I will always remember you yelling out "I did it, mama!"  simultaneously beaming and reaching out to hug me.  That precious memory alone brings tears to my eyes as I type that.  Do you know how many times I had the pleasure of hearing you and hugging you?  Countless.  Countless times it was I who witnessed the moment where after practice, you were able to master a skill.  Joy.  I am counting it all as joy, sweet girl.

Celebrating the little mile stones, being your teacher, going on adventures, and having my mamacita to do my daily chores with was such a blessing on this mama heart.  I had forgotten the joy that teaching brings after seventeen years filled with politics and checked out parents.  The good days were few and far between.  Ths year changed that.  I was reminded there are many ways to do what I love and feel fulfilled.  You taught me so much more than I taught you.  Days of Barbie and Littlest Pet shops, Dora and sweet picture books made me dig deep and rediscover the joy and wonder that children innately have.

Dance on Mondays.

Master Negotiator

Cooking Class

Geography Lessons via Nina

Expert Jam Maker

 This year was kind of like childbirth.  Thinking back, I remember more joy than pain.  I know hard days existed.  I know we both learned how to say sorry and move on so as not to spoil a whole day.  I know we could have done more had I better planned every day, but perhaps that is where the real beauty lay.  A year of days was set before us and for the most part we made the best of them and adventured together.  We learned.  We sang. We danced.  We pretended. We grew.  We are both different because we had this year together, and for that I am extremely grateful.

My little homeschooler, how I will miss you.  But first, SUMMER FUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All my love,

Mom

And in the Blink of an Eye. . .

She turned five!!!!

Thanksgiving and her fifth birthday all rolled into one.

It seemed especially fitting because she is definitely one to be thankful for.

Like her mama, she seems to balance things out; ease people.

Her smile and easy going nature just brings about a quite comfortable peace.
And that is a gift I am thankful for.

Her and her Nino.

Love From Nina

Shenanigans with Little and Kendra

Probably the only shot I took that wasn't birthday related.

Her little buddy. Ten days apart.

She is front and center of mom and dad.

Thanksgiving 2014 looked very different from years past.  It was quiet.  It was small.  We weren't all together for the first time in a very long time.  There were some gaps.  There were some small moments of missing.
But there were even bigger moments of peace. Joy. Happiness.  
I am reminded how Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."--Matthew 19:14\

There were certain times throughout the evening, while kids played ball, ran in and out of doors, feasted on the patio, and licked ice cream off plates that I realized they were oblivious to the haunting hurts: dad's friend who passed away six years before, the neighbor who died this summer, but whose husband invited us over, Anthony being with his dad, hurt feelings or pain we adults carry burdened by our pasts. . .the kids missed it all.
They only enjoyed the present, lived it for every little thing it had to offer.
They were thankful in its fullest capacity.
To be five again. . .or at least to live like it.
Try it.
Or die trying.