My Support System is. . .

My support system is a beautiful example of the friendships I have nourished through the years. My friendships are the family I choose. Although I never questioned any of my friends in my circle and their loyalty or their ability to show up, this grieving experience has literally opened my eyes to the exquisite beauty who are my friends. If you have never read the story of the female elephants, please do so:  

https://jenhatmaker.com/the-elephant-story/

I first heard the story years ago after a woman from work lost her husband suddenly. I remember our administrators telling us the story and the picture they presented her. I remember the feeling of awe in the room as mostly women, many of whom did not know this woman or her husband, were filled with deep empathy, care, and concern for the woman returning to her post. There was a palpable feeling of support in that room full of virtual strangers. I've never forgotten that moment, but have never experienced my own elephant circling and gathering until I lost my mom. Then again twenty-four days later, they rallied their herd and surrounded my from the moment I heard of my brother's accident. I have been so incredibly blessed by these women and their unwavering support. They randomly text me elephants. They check in frequently. They invite me to do life with them. They pray for me and with me. They keep showing up and loving me and my family despite distance, time, or anything else that may get in the way.

One of the best things about my friends is that they are from many different time periods of my life. Some of my closest friends go back to our first day of high school; some from college; some from my kid's preschool days; some from elementary school, some from sports, some from church; some from multiple work sites, and some from my neighborhood. What a blessed life to live with these beautiful people! Friends from all walks of life and across the years have gathered in their circle of support and allowed me the space I needed to literally pick myself up from the floor. They have wiped my tears so I can see again. They have sat with me in silence when the grief has no words. On the 23rd of the month, many send little love notes and do random acts of kindness with me to honor my mom's life. They are present. They are a present. Never before have I known this level of support. I only hope I can always offer them the same. 

Happy Anniversary to Us

15 years of happily ever after!

Forties Festivities

The first week of forty has been filled with family, friends, and celebration.

 I went to wine with two girlfriends.  The shop closed too early so we went next door and sat on the patio talking about all our parenting imperfections.  I feel blessed to know these women, to bare our souls and to laugh at ourselves and with each other when it's necessary.  There are no airs, only love.  Sushi, pho, and Eureka burgers also happened this week. It's a beautiful problem to know this kind of love, let me tell you!

My war room is growing.  I just love everything about it!

 Talented friends created beautiful gifts.

 My brothers showed up to the Golden Days Parade festivities.  That's all I really wanted--all of us in the same space doing something we had enjoyed as kids.  It was very nostalgic.

We celebrated Uncle Frank's birthday on the patio.

These girls are a hoot!

Sitting on our corner.

 We ate at an oldie but goodie.  I had been craving Mexican food for awhile.  My nina Karvel made the best lemon pound cake and a chocolate cake that were delicious.  It was a little rushed as I like to get the kids in bed at their bed times during the week, but I appreciated all of my family who showed up.

 A gift that I had permission not to share. . .

 Mimosas with my mom friends.

Mass was celebrated by the priest who married us.  I adore Fr. Peter Dennis.  It felt like a huge blessing to have him be the celebrant at mass the morning of my special day.

And Ernie, made this birthday pretty spectacular.  I had forty gifts to unwrap.  He overdid it.  The gifts were so thoughtful and meaningful and comprised of the things I love.  That morning he got up early with me to see what we could accomplish running wise in forty minutes.  We ran five in a little over forty and it felt good!

I always tease I have a birthday month, but the reality is. . .I squeezed all my fun into a week this year.  It was loud, and wild by my standards and filled with the people I care about most.  Forty is off to a fantastic start.  I think I'm going to like it here.  Yes, yes. . . I think I"m gonna like it here! (Sung in my loudest Annie voice)

Faith Finds Me

I have a ton to document about our trip.  I was putting it off until my first full week with my kindergartener having a longer school day. . .but as fate would have it, things changed.  I received a call Monday morning that E had hurt himself.  He called me, so I didn't panic.  He went in a car to Urgent Care, big difference from being in the ambulance three years ago.  My mind didn't wander to the worst possible scenario.  I simply waited to see what I was told.

Fast forward to the next day when we met with a specialist.  His pectoralis muscle was torn completely away from the bone, so surgery is the only way to fix it.  The doctor looked somber as he answered Ernie's questions and gave him the prognosis of being out of works for months.  Ernie looked grim too, as the news sunk in.  But I was simply at peace.

My mind focused on the fact that he was alive and this is completely fixable.  I even texted a couple friends saying, "I'm sure glad I like him so much, looks like the second honeymoon continues."  And the thing is, I meant it.  For the first time in probably forever, I didn't stress about finances or the future.  I was thankful it wasn't worse, and I just knew God would provide.

I went to the car as E waited for the referral.  It took forever, so eventually I walked back in.  He told me the doctor had called him back and wanted to know if he was willing to travel for surgery.  He wanted to get E back to normal as soon as possible and was willing to do what he could to make it happen.  Ernie was rejuvenated.  He looked hopeful as they sent us off to a local hospital for an MRI.  Once there, we realized he had forgotten his wallet, but God worked out the details and he was still able to be seen.  Then an hour into the MRI, there was an emergency and they needed to stop his session.  Ernie was able to get them to put him back in the tube only a half an hour later.  Again, God completely at work!

Even this morning, Ernie and the doctor had both already put calls in to get the surgery on the road.  We are kind of at a stall,  but it's okay.  Even if the surgery doesn't happen until
October 7th (like they're saying). . .my fortieth birthday, I'm planning on enjoying every minute the two of us have together!  It seems faith has finally found me.  All will be well.  I'm sure of it, no matter how long it takes.  In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy full, long days of one on one time with my husband.  What a gift!

School is Back in Session. . .

And I'm not really sure what I think about it yet.  After tonight, all we will have left is one more Back to School Night to get a grip on this whole high school thing.  The routine hasn't been too hard to get re-acquainted with.  It's the me here in this house alone that boggles my mind.

The first day of school E took off work to walk all the kids to school.  I thought there might be tears.  There weren't.  Grandparents and Godparents thoroughly surprised us on a quick visit on their way to the airport for a ten day vacation.  Seeing them helped my heart.  Nessa's nino came by with an offering of donuts and chocolate milk that was met with hugs and more pictures.

My last little was heading off to school and I was sad but determined to be strong so she didn't have any issues.  And she didn't.  We took some pictures, said good-bye and were on our way.  It was so strange!

 We celebrated a successful, short day with sushi, of course.

Then we went to visit papa, at his new home while his caregivers vacation.

He was pretty happy to see us and tell us about the ladies who are giving him all kinds of attention! Janessa included.

And the week has been a blur of supplies and letters and schedules. . .it's a lot to keep track of with 4 kids at 3 different schools, but I think I've got it.  Nothing is going to feel "real" until a long awaited vacation happens and my writing classes begins.  I have added another class to teach  and I'm really  looking forward to it.  It's just the strangest week with everyone in school.  The house has not been this clean in a long time. . .and it has only been three days!  We're talking windows!

Walking to school with her bff makes the day off to an even better start! 

Day 2, on my first day home alone, I came upstairs with laundry and poor little lambie, was just sitting on the floor waiting for Janessa's return.  It was the saddest sight.  I couldn't decide who was missing her more. . .

There has been plenty of time for afternoon swims. . .and it sure has been hot enough to demand our attention!

Four days in and this one was uncooperative in the picture department.  She also asked when it was a day off.  School is tough to get used to, but thankfully all of the kids have adjusted well and seem to like their teachers.  This year is going to be full.  I've already met with the school counselor to get our Character Ed program off the ground on the 31st.  I have 2 teachers who are eager for weekly help, plus my MOMS group at church. . .schedules fill up but with the things that matter most to me.  This is a dream come true. My dream.  I feel so incredibly blessed and want to always remember these days.

Letters to my Littles: Sibling Love

My Dearest Love Bugs,

If there is one thing I could guarantee, it would be that you would always be friends with your siblings. Although siblings grow up in the same household, it is astonishing how different each one may grow up to be. I hope that you always recognize there are more similarities than differences.  I hope that you like each other enough to choose to be friends for the rest of your life.

I have often said to you, "You can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family." But my prayer is that the choice to be a friend to your family is your intention. I can encourage it.  I can help you to develop it through shared experiences. And I can model it with my own brothers.  You learn by watching me. I know this, but it doesn't make the act of intentionally being a friend to your sibling any easier at times.

As an adult, a sibling does not have the same role he did as a child.  Time continues to pass, and differences continue to exist, but it is through the handling of these differences where your character can shine.  It's being true to who God asks you to be.  It's loving the person, because sometimes that's all you can do.  It's letting go of the expectation and the dream and embracing the fact that the relationship is still here, regardless of it being different from what you wished.  It's ceasing the moments that you're together, and accepting the realization that sometimes the gap is too big, the chasm too deep, the personalities and lifestyles too different to be anything other than what it is.  And that's okay, loves.  As long as you love, as long as you put your family first, God will take care of the details.  Trust this.

Is my prayer for you to have an even better relationship than I have with my brothers?  Yes.  I believe every parent wants more for their kids than they had.  Can I make that happen?  No.  As adults you will make choices to build, or choices to tear down.  Of course, I would prefer the first option, but it will be your lives to live.  For now, my role as mom, is simply to instill the value of family, to love you all, to encourage you to build your own relationship: meaningful ones.  I'm doing my best, and just always asking you to do the same.

Love you always and forever,


Mom

Festivities at Forty

That smile of his melts my heart. Always.

I had this kind of awakening this weekend.  Not necessarily a good one but one that left me with a different way to look at a situation. After too many funerals and diagnosis' of beloved friends over the last couple months, I wanted to celebrate Ernie's 40th.  What better reason to get together than for a happy occasion?

It was relatively small and some of our closest friends couldn't be there due to vacation plans which was a little disappointing, because truth be told. . .we just don't really try to get together anymore.  Now that our friends have kids who are grown, it seems like schedules have just taken a life of their own.  And I get it.  I do.  It just disappoints my heart a little, but then I'm filled with hope for the future when schedules might open up and we can reconnect.

I guess I have a different expectation for family, and I shouldn't.  Someone I love a lot once told me, my kids may be my world, but they aren't everyone else's.  Point taken. But for me, family has become my world--and it boggles my mind when it's not everyone else's. I guess my expectation for my family is similar to my parent's expectation for me when I was a teen and college aged: you show up.  You don't have to stay the entire time, but you make an appearance.  That's something that was expected of me and I've really come to own it and still follow through today as much as I can.  So when immediate family can't be somewhere special, not even for a little while. . .it stings a bit. My husband goes above and beyond to so many people, I just really wanted him to feel and be celebrated.  That's what good wives do, I suppose.

But the next morning, sitting outside having coffee with my fine forty-year-old, in his divine wisdom, said, "It's more important to me the people who were there then the ones who weren't."  This coming from the guy who had to pick up and drop off his own dad just so he could attend... And I realized he is right.  First off, not everyone has our strong value of family first.  Secondly, sometimes other plans come first--even if it doesn't make any sense to me.

Our kids and Lene's best friend, Layla did all the set up under the guidance of me, grandma, and grandpa. They cleaned, decorated, and were so extremely helpful and honestly happy to do so.  That in and of itself was such a gift.  Our comadre offered to make Ernie's favorite dessert, not only enough for him, but for the entire party. It was such a blessing.  Her husband rushed off to get ice for us while E was gone picking up his dad last minute, no questions asked. . .he just went and did what needed to be done.  Blessed.  My mom went above and beyond to offer all that she had to make centerpieces and such.  And then I forgot to take pictures of the finished project! Her generosity is like no other. My dad, offering the house so they could attend without needing a caregiver for papa was so appreciated!  They made the party!

I didn't take many pictures because I was honestly paying so much attention to the moments. . .the unexpected ones happening right in front of me with people who were there to celebrate the incredible man my husband is.  I have been reminded on more than one occasion recently by how incredibly blessed I am to do life with this man.   Even if we were the only people at the party, it would have been enough.  I am so thankful for the opportunity to celebrate life while the living is here to experience it.  I am so thankful for the strong family ties we are instilling in our children.  I am so thankful for friends who show up and love on my man, who deserves to be honored every day of the year. 40 years in the books. . .now we wait for my turn.

School's Out for TK

Dear Janessa,

This has been a dream year.  You have not always been the dream student, nor have I always been the dream teacher, but I like to think that these are days to remember.  I imagine one day when I am old and gray, sitting on my rocker on my porch, I will think back to this year as one of my happiest ever.  I got to do what I love: teach to someone I love: you.  There are so many moments etched in my memory forever.  I will always remember you yelling out "I did it, mama!"  simultaneously beaming and reaching out to hug me.  That precious memory alone brings tears to my eyes as I type that.  Do you know how many times I had the pleasure of hearing you and hugging you?  Countless.  Countless times it was I who witnessed the moment where after practice, you were able to master a skill.  Joy.  I am counting it all as joy, sweet girl.

Celebrating the little mile stones, being your teacher, going on adventures, and having my mamacita to do my daily chores with was such a blessing on this mama heart.  I had forgotten the joy that teaching brings after seventeen years filled with politics and checked out parents.  The good days were few and far between.  Ths year changed that.  I was reminded there are many ways to do what I love and feel fulfilled.  You taught me so much more than I taught you.  Days of Barbie and Littlest Pet shops, Dora and sweet picture books made me dig deep and rediscover the joy and wonder that children innately have.

Dance on Mondays.

Master Negotiator

Cooking Class

Geography Lessons via Nina

Expert Jam Maker

 This year was kind of like childbirth.  Thinking back, I remember more joy than pain.  I know hard days existed.  I know we both learned how to say sorry and move on so as not to spoil a whole day.  I know we could have done more had I better planned every day, but perhaps that is where the real beauty lay.  A year of days was set before us and for the most part we made the best of them and adventured together.  We learned.  We sang. We danced.  We pretended. We grew.  We are both different because we had this year together, and for that I am extremely grateful.

My little homeschooler, how I will miss you.  But first, SUMMER FUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All my love,

Mom

The Days are Long

This week was a long one.  In between a flurry of at home projects and Open Houses I've been battling a cold or allergies.  Something has me not at a hundred percent, but life goes on and there has been so much living of it to do!

She planned a birthday party for Jacob and Bella.  Such a good mama.

Breakfast at the airport:  Just the two of us

Lene was our tour guide at the Living Museum.  Wow, some parents outdid themselves! 

Being silly with my baby.

A labor of love right here.  Research report writing with Bubba was a testing of patience for sure.

His Gold Rush Project

Aqueduct.  I should have taken it from the front so you could tell.

 Monday we celebrated Aunt Lupe's life.  Janessa and Lene went with me.  I thought it was sweet that Anjalene wanted to be there for her cousin Sandra, who in reality, she hasn't spent much time with.  Janessa, my sidekick goes where I go. . .until Kindergarten starts next year!  She and Cadence during church kept me busy.

Watching Aunt Lupe's life in pictures and video.

Cousins

Cousins

Aunt Lupe would have enjoyed these two hams dancing to the mariachis after the funeral; in fact, I daresay she would have been dancing with them!

The next two weeks will be busy.  I'm ready for them, sort of.  My writing class is finished and I have some organizing to do before Summer is upon us.  First things first, I need to get well.  Resting up while E and three of the kids are out at the desert for the day. I miss them already and am looking forward to a night snuggling with my Lene Bean watching a movie on the DVR that we have put off all week.  The simple things make me happy, always.  For now, Bubba gets to watch Anne of Green Gables with me.  Lucky boy.  Lucky me!