Libra Love

The clock keeps ticking. . .one day bleeds into the other. So many moments are filled with celebrations; while others silently break your heart. No real rhyme or reason for the painful days, just an acute awareness that nothing stays the same.  This year keeps rushing forward May, September, October. . .next thing you know the holidays will be upon us and we will be welcoming in 2019. And I actually think, I'll breathe a sigh of relief when the clock strikes midnight and we move on. . .into the new year filled with new opportunities and looking forward to the many lasts that will occur in the spring.

Someone will experience his last semester as a high school student; his last track season; his senior project; trainsitioning with an Independent Living Coordinator, college plans, and graduation. Another will experience his last quarter as an eighth grader. Eager to kiss those junior high walls good-bye; eager to grow taller; eager for a chance to be more and more independent. Sometimes it is him who is not ready. Sometimes it must be me. Time keeps trudging forward. The oldest girl, has high school down now, she knows what to expect, she gets ahead and works hard in her classes without the tears and pressure her Freshman year seemed to force upon her. She sees a driver's license in her future, and I don't know how I feel about that yet. Relieved to have some help with the shuttling around that has consumed us these last four years, or sad that I won't be needed as much. I don't know yet. But our baby love, she sees unicorns and rainbows and breathes out happiness and in joy. Her personality so big and full and loving everything about school and friends.

My new job gives me glimpses into her world. How special it is to have the same recess and her and her friends run up to me with hugs.  Other times, it might just be glimpses through the window as it seems my mom-dar is deep. She is near, I look up and am greeted with a passing glimpse on her way to lunch or PE. Sigh. There has been so much goodness already this school year. So much goodness that has helped ease the hard parts. I went from one job to three, and am juggling more appointments into the calendar spaces but really with that comes some peace. I am a working mama who has control over her schedule, who is only saying yes to the things she loves and who is growing her craft in the process.  It has been good. Very, very good.

The Days are Long

This week was a long one.  In between a flurry of at home projects and Open Houses I've been battling a cold or allergies.  Something has me not at a hundred percent, but life goes on and there has been so much living of it to do!

She planned a birthday party for Jacob and Bella.  Such a good mama.

Breakfast at the airport:  Just the two of us

Lene was our tour guide at the Living Museum.  Wow, some parents outdid themselves! 

Being silly with my baby.

A labor of love right here.  Research report writing with Bubba was a testing of patience for sure.

His Gold Rush Project

Aqueduct.  I should have taken it from the front so you could tell.

 Monday we celebrated Aunt Lupe's life.  Janessa and Lene went with me.  I thought it was sweet that Anjalene wanted to be there for her cousin Sandra, who in reality, she hasn't spent much time with.  Janessa, my sidekick goes where I go. . .until Kindergarten starts next year!  She and Cadence during church kept me busy.

Watching Aunt Lupe's life in pictures and video.

Cousins

Cousins

Aunt Lupe would have enjoyed these two hams dancing to the mariachis after the funeral; in fact, I daresay she would have been dancing with them!

The next two weeks will be busy.  I'm ready for them, sort of.  My writing class is finished and I have some organizing to do before Summer is upon us.  First things first, I need to get well.  Resting up while E and three of the kids are out at the desert for the day. I miss them already and am looking forward to a night snuggling with my Lene Bean watching a movie on the DVR that we have put off all week.  The simple things make me happy, always.  For now, Bubba gets to watch Anne of Green Gables with me.  Lucky boy.  Lucky me!

One of These Days. . .

I will have time to write more from my heart. . .one of these days.

Until then. . .

STAY TUNED.

May 22, 2012

The days around here have been long without my husband.  As his work load has increased, I am thankful and exhausted all in the same breath.  There was a time and may be again in the future, where the work slows down and a lay off is in store.  What I used to get so stressed about, has been a true blessing each time it has occurred. . .so I keep that in the back of my mind as I struggle with the daily demands of motherhood.  And I let myself bathe in the blessings of an abundance of work, long hours that mean bigger paychecks that will pad the bank account for the months to come.  My decreased contract might not hurt the pocketbook as much as it might have.

These long days remind me the reason I am choosing to stay home more next year.  It is impossible to do both jobs well: teaching and mothering.  It is impossible for me to function at the same caliber of excellence in my classroom, when I'm swimming around in my mind with thoughts of whether Lene knows her lines, if Bubba's project will get finished in time--and Dear God, please let Janessa take a nap AND sleep through the night! When I am home, I am thinking about the tasks my students must accomplish for the next day.  I am trying to choose whether my students can afford me being out of the classroom "just" so I can attend a craft workshop in my daughter's class for Father's day gifts. . .and I hate this struggle between two forces that never lets up.  Never.

For those who tell me it is possible to have it all, be it all, and do it all with careful planning and fierce determination. . .It is not for me.  Not anymore.  I could argue: but is it worth it?  Is it worth me not feeling that I'm great in any area--neither mothering, nor teaching?  The end of the year with eighth grade activities, in conjunction with my own children's end of year activities, topped with a husband's hectic schedule, compounded by a daughter asking to be a part of the competitive dance team again (I will save that for another post), is drowning me.

Rest is on the horizon.  But, oh how I need it today! Gulping in His peace and comfort because I know only He can sustain me when my world feels hectic and out of control.

Looking forward to tomorrow where a personal necessity day is mandatory since my husband is taking the day off so he doesn't miss Open House.  I will rest up then. I will rest with him and dream about the joys of summer which will be here in three very short weeks.  Thank God!