May 24, 2012

Dear Daughter,

I know how much you heart is set on summer camp with the dance team you used to love, but dance camp isn't the issue--it's the bigger dance commitment that is.  I just don't want to share you with that competitive dance team again this year!  Having you back in our hearts and home this year has been such a tremendous JOY!

 I don't want them to have you at least five hours a week.  I don't want to not be able to schedule any fun family weekend outings between both you and your dad's crazy schedules.  Competitions were long days filled with lots of dancing, and make up, and frilly clothes...and sitting there and sitting there and sitting there.  All day long.  During dance season, I always felt I was battling for your heart.  I didn't have enough time with you to instill His truth, our guidance, and love.  I was tired. You were tired. Your siblings were tired because we were always on the go. . .up early, home late and what to do with your brother and sister during such full days focused on you--and your ten minutes of routines?  Ten minutes, love bug. All day long and hours of practice each week for ten minutes.

Now, if this was truly what your heart desired, we would consider it.  It would be extremely difficult to make it happen, but we would try again. . .or we can try again later when you're a little older.  But now?  You've been able to participate in two other shows since you didn't have the dance commitment--you were able to do what you love up there on a stage and perform.  You even had speaking parts this year, bug.  Being your mama, who doesn't want to see you get hurt, I recommended being a narrator so you would in fact be able to speak.  However, you had other plans.  Dorothy.  You won the role over eleven other lovely girls.  You wanted it, and you went after it and He blessed you with the part.  Finally, your voice was heard.

You blessed others with your beautiful voice when you sang at mass on Sunday.  If you were to join dance again, you would have to give this up too--as practice times conflict.  And, what about those plans we had for you to be my helper in Bubba's second year CCD class?  You were so excited to share your newest found faith in the consumption of bread and wine at mass this year. . .so excited to teach younger ones about the journey. 

But daughter dearest, if this is something your heart is set on,  I promise you it can be yours again in the future, just not yet.  Not this year.  What you might see as being mean, I simply see as not being ready yet.  You're not ready to get out there into the world with such little direction and  I'm not ready to send you.  We need more time here.  In this place, our home to guide you and grow you and to let you be little for as long as you can be!  You deserve the best from us--and although I know your dance teachers love you, it's different and we need you here.  Not the bustle and hustle of drop offs, and dinner away from our table, and late nights with no time for books and barely uttered prayers before you fall asleep exhausted.

I'm sorry love bug.  Dance team is not in the cards for this year.  A dance class, sure.  We can look into that--but the team?  Not happening again. . . yet.  I hope you can understand that this is not the end, but a beautiful beginning of what God can do when we intentionally lay the foundation at home first: spending quality time together, loving each other first, building His kingdom in our hearts, and shining His light to those we meet. 

I can't wait to see you on stage next week in the Wizard of Oz. . .and in November as part of the You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown cast. Keep shining His light and pursuing your passion!  Promise we will revisit the dance discussion another year.

Love Always,
Mom

May 22, 2012

The days around here have been long without my husband.  As his work load has increased, I am thankful and exhausted all in the same breath.  There was a time and may be again in the future, where the work slows down and a lay off is in store.  What I used to get so stressed about, has been a true blessing each time it has occurred. . .so I keep that in the back of my mind as I struggle with the daily demands of motherhood.  And I let myself bathe in the blessings of an abundance of work, long hours that mean bigger paychecks that will pad the bank account for the months to come.  My decreased contract might not hurt the pocketbook as much as it might have.

These long days remind me the reason I am choosing to stay home more next year.  It is impossible to do both jobs well: teaching and mothering.  It is impossible for me to function at the same caliber of excellence in my classroom, when I'm swimming around in my mind with thoughts of whether Lene knows her lines, if Bubba's project will get finished in time--and Dear God, please let Janessa take a nap AND sleep through the night! When I am home, I am thinking about the tasks my students must accomplish for the next day.  I am trying to choose whether my students can afford me being out of the classroom "just" so I can attend a craft workshop in my daughter's class for Father's day gifts. . .and I hate this struggle between two forces that never lets up.  Never.

For those who tell me it is possible to have it all, be it all, and do it all with careful planning and fierce determination. . .It is not for me.  Not anymore.  I could argue: but is it worth it?  Is it worth me not feeling that I'm great in any area--neither mothering, nor teaching?  The end of the year with eighth grade activities, in conjunction with my own children's end of year activities, topped with a husband's hectic schedule, compounded by a daughter asking to be a part of the competitive dance team again (I will save that for another post), is drowning me.

Rest is on the horizon.  But, oh how I need it today! Gulping in His peace and comfort because I know only He can sustain me when my world feels hectic and out of control.

Looking forward to tomorrow where a personal necessity day is mandatory since my husband is taking the day off so he doesn't miss Open House.  I will rest up then. I will rest with him and dream about the joys of summer which will be here in three very short weeks.  Thank God!