May 22, 2012

The days around here have been long without my husband.  As his work load has increased, I am thankful and exhausted all in the same breath.  There was a time and may be again in the future, where the work slows down and a lay off is in store.  What I used to get so stressed about, has been a true blessing each time it has occurred. . .so I keep that in the back of my mind as I struggle with the daily demands of motherhood.  And I let myself bathe in the blessings of an abundance of work, long hours that mean bigger paychecks that will pad the bank account for the months to come.  My decreased contract might not hurt the pocketbook as much as it might have.

These long days remind me the reason I am choosing to stay home more next year.  It is impossible to do both jobs well: teaching and mothering.  It is impossible for me to function at the same caliber of excellence in my classroom, when I'm swimming around in my mind with thoughts of whether Lene knows her lines, if Bubba's project will get finished in time--and Dear God, please let Janessa take a nap AND sleep through the night! When I am home, I am thinking about the tasks my students must accomplish for the next day.  I am trying to choose whether my students can afford me being out of the classroom "just" so I can attend a craft workshop in my daughter's class for Father's day gifts. . .and I hate this struggle between two forces that never lets up.  Never.

For those who tell me it is possible to have it all, be it all, and do it all with careful planning and fierce determination. . .It is not for me.  Not anymore.  I could argue: but is it worth it?  Is it worth me not feeling that I'm great in any area--neither mothering, nor teaching?  The end of the year with eighth grade activities, in conjunction with my own children's end of year activities, topped with a husband's hectic schedule, compounded by a daughter asking to be a part of the competitive dance team again (I will save that for another post), is drowning me.

Rest is on the horizon.  But, oh how I need it today! Gulping in His peace and comfort because I know only He can sustain me when my world feels hectic and out of control.

Looking forward to tomorrow where a personal necessity day is mandatory since my husband is taking the day off so he doesn't miss Open House.  I will rest up then. I will rest with him and dream about the joys of summer which will be here in three very short weeks.  Thank God!