Pondering Thoughts on This Sun-Less Sunday

Sound of rain, cozy under blanket, books to read or movies to watch. Sunday at her finest.  Laundry to fold, dinner to prepare, menu planning to ease us back into the week. . .Looking forward to the last week of volleyball; basketball we have said good-bye to and transitional kinder is winding down.  We are reading and writing and this week we will finish up Chinese New Year and getting ready to celebrate Dr, Seuss Day. There is so much we can do, yet so much not necessary or it will drive me out of my mind.  Calm and consistency has been key to our learning this year.  And I have enjoyed every single moment.  I find it has challenged me, grown me, and inspired me in ways I didn't know existed.  Together we have created this year of memories that are irreplaceable.

My view on education continues to shift, and the emphasis we place on academics and extracurricular activities decreases.  We are preparing them for great futures, but are we preparing them for heaven?  Do we spend the same kind of energy studying the bible as we do for exams? Do we use lessons to teach good character and virtues at every chance we get or do we get tired and tell them no simply because we said so? Life keeps unfolding and presenting us with the good and the bad, the expected and the unexpected, and I'm just trying to be still and KNOW he is God.

We have decisions to make and I'm trying not to stress. I'm just leaving them in God's hands and saying, Here you go.  Show me what you can do with this.  And actually, I'm pretty okay with that process.  I'm surrounded by women God is placing in my life for such a time as this:  My Mom Heart group, my book club, my bible study group, my homeschooling mom friends, my other mom friends. . .He has me covered and I know it so I just keep keeping on.  What a difference a year makes!

If I have learned anything in this season of mothering, it is that the privilege has been all mine.  I have learned to turn the other cheek when it comes to differing opinion. I have learned not to get caught up in the comparison trap among friends.  I have learned that the state's expectations do not necessarily match up with mine.  I have learned that sometimes it's a little lonely to be different but completely necessary if it means guarding my kids' minds and hearts.  On this sun-less Sunday, I'm surprisingly content, unrushed and restful. I'm feeling recharged and restored  as we enter into a new week.

Bad Behavior

You know what's hard?  Knowing you're commanded to love even though you may not really like someone. Actually, maybe it's not the person you don't like--more like their lifestyle.  It's such a fine line between not being judgmental and not wanting young kids around behavior that tends to be inappropriate.  No one likes to  get cast like the crazy one, when all they are trying to do is protect their kids from growing up seeing too much too soon.  And really, we care about their perceptions of the people they know and love.  It is really about wanting them to remember, love, and respect the good attributes of family and friends while not having to explain the bad until they are old enough to understand.  Maybe by that point, the bad behavior or lifestyle choices will be outgrown.  One can hope. . .so I do.  And I pray a lot.  Every time I'm tempted to talk about it--I think have I prayed about it as much as I have talked about it?  I'm happy to report that I can answer that question with a resounding yes.  Prayer really does change things.

White Space

We're finding our rhythm of the new year.  The cold that bogged me down seems to be gone.  Classes are in full swing.  Basketball and volleyball games are weekly occurrences.  Homeschool is this inexplicable joy and sadness all at the same time as I realize we are halfway through the year.  I am choosing to enjoy every. Single. Second.  Because this is it.  I won't get this time back. Never.

Speaking of time, the second week of the month is always jam packed.  As I looked at our calendar, I knew something had to give.  Four nights out of five, one or both of us would be gone.  There is good stuff going on.  Stuff we enjoy and look forward to, but we cherish our home time more--we had to make the call to skip something this week.  So, we didn't attend our marriage ministry last night.  We had dinner together and then E and I snuck away for a walk.  Just the two of us, out in nature, enjoying the cool, crisp air.  It wasn't at the church with our group, but it was intentional, and it happened on our time line, and allowed us to be where we wanted to be.

Sometimes even the good stuff can be too much.  There is too much writing in the boxes of our calendared lives and it gets messy to cross things off or say no.  But if we don't intentionally create that white space, then the spaces in our soul will be stifled and barren.  I don't know about you, but I don't want that.

I've had to look at the margins of my life lately and I'm seeing a need for some change.  My book club that I've had for the last two years is two meetings away from finishing our book, and it's time to pass the torch. It has been good.  But it's time has come for me.  In order for me to pour into our church MOMS group, I need some room on my plate and unlike the past, I'm giving myself permission to let go.  It has been a really good thing for me.  But sometimes even the good things need to shift in order to create more white space.

White space.  Calm. Peace. Freedom.  Joy.  Ultimately, we decide what takes up our time.  Choose wisely.

Blended

Sometimes I think if I don't write it, it's not really happening.  That would be the case when it involves the way our  life has become somewhat complicated.  After trudging through the summer months, we seem to have finally reached our stride when it comes to the Fall, school, and four schedules. Except for visitations, there is no rhyme or reason and it is frustrating to say the least.

I try to stay positive.  I try to behave myself when the arrival is unannounced or an hour and a half late. . .but the struggle is real.  It is hard to remember this man is mentally not well although his physical appearance tries to tell me otherwise.  To say the past half year--YES, it has been six months in this limbo--has been difficult is an understatement.  But yet, here we are.  We are all still standing, and probably better for it--all of us.  At least that is what I keep telling myself.

Yet, something has to change.  Some big decisions have to be made.  We can't continue the way we've been going without reigning in some of the freedoms and establishing clearer boundaries.  Without said boundaries, chaos ensues and there isn't time for that.  A has lived in the chaos long enough, and the rest of us don't thrive under those conditions, so hard conversations have to be had and definite, deliberate steps need to be taken to ensure the promise of a safe, comfortable life.  It's a life all kids deserve, but not all kids have the chance at.

I spoke to a CPS worker yesterday, unsure of what reaching out and asking hard questions might mean for the security of A.  But, Ernie and I recognize a need to move forward because things will not improve.   Health will continue to decline.  We already see it.  And if left to his own devices, we might all be left in a lurch.  So, I tentatively placed a call and was shocked to find out the reason we can't find A in a system is because there is no paper trail on him.  No case worker to check in on his life, his whereabouts, his happenings.  Because he has a guardian, the buck stops there.  And now that his guardian isn't in a position to care give, it's up to us to bring it to their attention and move forward.

The woman I spoke with said how fortunate he is to have us.  There are so many incidents where grandparents, who have been the care givers literally drop kids off because they are no longer capable of taking care of them.  These kids have very little chance at a forever family due to their age and they are forced to live in a group home.  I never really thought about what would happen to him if it weren't for us. We said yes to ease his dad's burden.  We said yes because we really thought it was short term.  We said yes because it was the right thing to do.  It still is.

But, it hasn't been without its problems.  And it hasn't been without its joys.  And therein lies the beauty of what it means to be His hands and feet.  We remark that we didn't realize how simple our life was before May.  But we also realize that as much as we have to offer A.  He offers us and the kids another vantage point.   And together we're writing an alternate version to this chapter of our lives.  It's what we do.  It's who we are.  It's our new normal.  And if you ask me on a good day, I will smile.  If it's a bad one, I will sigh. But I'll get up the next day and try to do it better than the day before.

Learn to do good; seek justice, correct oppression; bring justice to the fatherless, plead the widow's cause.--Isiah 1:17

And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’--Matthew 25:40

Faith Without Borders

"Guardianship sounds so final," he said with a sigh.
"Yeah. It kind of is."

God definitely delivers.  The answer to your prayers might not come packaged the way you expect it, but eventually it comes.  Before Nessa when we were "done" having kids, I would sometimes talk of adopting. E wasn't ever interested as three kids were plenty for him.  Then low and behold we had another and even my adoption thought waned.  Four was certainly enough for me.  For us.

And now we sit on the precipice of adding another to our already full nest just because He asked us to. How can we refuse helping to raise someone who has been abandoned by their mother?  I never really thought about the fact that an orphan lived among us.  I didn't have to because he was taken care of by Ernie's dad for as long as he could.  But now?  It would be so incredibly easy to avoid the nudging in my heart.  But would that be right? No.

 and do not oppress the widow or the orphan, the stranger or the poor; and do not devise evil in your hearts against one another.' - Zechariah 7:10

It has been three months already.
People who know us probably see this as a natural extension of who Ernie and I are.
But the people who know us best see the question marks that color our future.  There are so many variables involved that we just can't focus on them and have to move forward.  There really is no other way to live, except by putting one foot in front of the other and doing our best to shower the love of Christ on a good kid who deserves every opportunity under the sun because he may have been orphaned by his mother but he belongs to God.  It is our duty to love him and the rest of God's plan for his life, for the part we play in it will be revealed.

I never would have expected this to be a part of our story.  And my crazy faith without borders KNOWS that God will use it for His glory and the ending will be so much grander than anything I could ever come to know on my own. My Oceans theme song has been for a reason.  For this season, most definitely.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

I will call upon Your name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

--Oceans, Hillsong

Update:  Power of Attorney papers have been signed.  Registration at a new school is complete.  We are in this for the long haul.  God's showed us our anything and we will be obedient.  

Keep My Eyes Above the Waves. . .and Other Thoughts on Faith

I was so looking forward to the normalcy of this week.  Then three kids got pink eye.  And I had my observation at work.  And gift baskets for the silent auction have to be put together for Saturday.  And then my job share partner called and we had the conversation that needed to be had and I'm walking away from my twenty percent.  I knew going into this year, that it would probably be our last as her personal life situation has changed.  I prayed that if it's God's intention that I stay in the classroom, then He would open a door--I mean He seriously has delivered the last two times I've shifted into part time status.  This time I felt ready for the move out of two worlds and into just my home BUT then in December my partner said she could swing it.  She wanted to share a classroom again.  If I'm honest with myself, the first feeling I had was disappointment but I knew it was God's will for me to stay part of both worlds.  How could it not be?  I had to do it if she was able to!

Then today we found out administration was shifting things around and math and science were to be in my future if we continue to share.  I am not a math teacher. When the conversation continued it just felt like it was my time to exit.  I talked to my husband. Then we notified our principal.  And then I might have panicked as I tried to reconcile my heart and mind to get in sync with each other and just be still.  My first instinct was to call Human Resources and see what else is out there in the part time world--but as I entered this year with my prayer to God--I promised myself I wouldn't search it out.  Whatever it was meant to be would come to me.  By making the call to HR it felt like I wasn't trusting God enough--or I didn't know if I agreed with His answer.  How's that for faith?


I sent out a couple texts to friends that resembled this:

The day wore on and I did what needed to be done--drove to the store with one of my sickies and we conversed until we were out of words.  Because the silence was drowned out by my thoughts--I turned on the radio and low and behold the song that had just concluded my Mom's Heart weekend was just beginning on XM  "Oceans"  by Hillsong. 

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand
I will call upon Your name And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise my soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now
So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine.

Do you see the theme yet? And then as if that wasn't enough, when I was getting into my car, I hit the unlock button on my remote and heard something drop.  I looked down in the gutter to see my key chain staring up at me: Trust in the Lord.

Be still. Have Faith. Trust.  Uh-huh. I get it.  Really I do. 

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
--Philipians 4:6

Updated 3/1:  I've been behaving.  I haven't contacted Human Resources and I'm not planning to.  For someone who has always claimed I don't "hear" God speak to me. . .I need the sky writing, I just can't get over the ways He has been speaking peace and faith into my heart.  Through messages in my inbox and the gift of friends who know Him and breathe His truths into my life, I can say four days later, I am excited to see what exactly God has planned for my life!

It just boggles my mind the way He is revealing himself to me--reminding me if there is a time to act out my faith--it is now!

 Do you see what book in the bible I'm reading in an on line study that I am completing by myself? Some days I get to it and some days I don't--but this week I did and look what the day's verses were about:
John 6:16-21

English Standard Version (ESV)

Jesus Walks on Water

¹⁶ When evening came, his disciples went down to the sea, ¹⁷ got into a boat, and started across the sea to Capernaum. It was now dark, and Jesus had not yet come to them. ¹⁸ The sea became rough because a strong wind was blowing. ¹⁹ When they had rowed about three or four miles,^[a] they saw Jesus walking on the sea and coming near the boat, and they were frightened. ²⁰ But he said to them, “It is I; do not be afraid.” ²¹ Then they were glad to take him into the boat, and immediately the boat was at the land to which they were going.

Jesus walks on water people!!!!!!  I'm just so excited that I had to come back here and share!  

Finally, my daily devotional Wednesday mentioned walking on the water again! This, my friends is NOT a coincidence--it's a theme God is weaving into the fabric of my life to take heart and be still and know than He is God and that my faith will carry me if I believe in Him enough!!!!!

I can not begin to tell anyone how monumental this week has been in my life.  If ever there was a time that I truly felt God speaking truths into my life--it would have to be now.  I write here to encourage you, my friends, my daughters, my sons, that He is ALL you will ever need and do not be discouraged if there are times in your life where you are like, "Hello, God?  I need the skywriting, please.  I need to KNOW." 

If you pray boldly, and consistently He will answer.  It might not be the answer you're expecting or want to hear. . .but He will answer.  Prepare your hearts and minds to receive the words, the promises He has over your life.  Because when you do?  The peace and joy you will feel is amazing!

Sitting on my Heart

I've had this thought sitting on my heart since Back to School night a week ago.  Our big girl has science camp this year and it is rapidly approaching.  For years I've watched the kids and parents gather with sleeping bags, cameras, kisses and tears and watched the bus pull away from the curb with their precious cargo inside.  I think each year to myself, how am I ever going to be able to do that?  To send her away for three whole nights with no contact whatsoever?  I may have asked that question over the dinner table as we've prayed for the previous fifth graders who have gone.

And now--here we are.  Fifth grade is upon us and the camp is real.  Back to School Night I got the dates and the website to view their activities and I tried to come home with enthusiasm and say, "Camp is coming, bean!"  And then her eyes got wide and she kind of freaked out.  That night she asked how would she make it three nights when she had a hard time with her first real sleepover this summer.  Who would bless her? I put on my bravest face and we prayed together aloud that she could be brave and not miss out on this exciting opportunity...then I whispered, "If you really don't want to go, we won't make you."  She slept fine but I didn't.

I'm bothered because I admire kids who go away to college.  Most times I feel like their parents have given them wings to fly.  And they soar.  Then I look at my own history and wish I hadn't felt the need to keep peace and stay close to my home base. I think about the opportunities I might have had if I hadn't been so afraid of the great big world.  I don't regret it.  I just wonder. There is a difference.

I don't want to project my fears on my daughter.  I don't want to do that to any of my kids actually.  But unknowingly, or unwillingly I think sometimes I do.  And that's a hard pill to swallow.  My fears shouldn't be their fears...especially when I'm trying to teach them:
 ⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.--Philipians 4:6

How is that for hypocrisy?  Yes, I am a work in progress.  So today we will pray for strength to walk out the door and face those fears head on.  We will pray that if she's supposed to be there, God will give her what it takes to be there.  These are the prayers we will pray aloud.  The ones in the silence of my own heart will be about letting go, trusting God, being fearless and unafraid.  That's a tall order for a mom that was pretty freaked out about this whole science camp thing. . .but I'm realizing those prayers are going to be more and more necessary as Lene continues to grow, to stretch, to reach, to blossom into the woman God is calling her to be.  Ten years old.  This whole growing up thing is really more a process of me learning to let go.

July 2, 2012

With life changing, our surroundings will be different. . .how does one go about negotiating even more change as it effects our children?  I have a fourth grader and a second grader.  They will no longer be living right across the street from their school, and I'm not sure what to do about it.  We are moving to a neighborhood that is a little older in population.  Many of the neighbors were there when I was growing up, and now their kids are all grown as well.  Going to school in our neighborhood would mean an opportunity to meet other kids who live closer and develop new relationships.

That being said, neither child is thrilled with the idea of changing schools.  I can't blame them.  The one time I did in my junior year of high school was a disaster.  I met a small group of girls who took me in and were wonderful, but the overall transition to such a huge place was scary and if I had to do it all over again:  I wouldn't.  So, I pray for direction.  I pray that I know where the right place will be.  I pray for peace of mind for all of us as decisions are being made and put into place.

Change is good.  But it can be scary.  And that is why I am unsure where to go from here.  I love these little guys so much and I want the best for them, which mom doesn't?  A lot to think about.  A lot to consider.  A decision to be made.

June 25, 2012

It's early and I just couldn't sleep.  I feel like a little kid just waiting for the "big" event, which in our world is moving day.  I browsed one of my favorite blogs looking for inspiration in the home decorating world: Lemonade Makin Mama.  As I kept going back in time on her posts, I was reminded of my word for the year: GO.  Re-reading it six months later and I think, in that stillness when I really listen to His voice and allow myself to hear Him--He speaks.  He only speaks truth.  Always.

Half a year later and I walked away from my sixty percent contract, only to be led to a partnership where I will work twenty percent.  It is at my same site, but at a different grade level and subject. I am going.

Half a year later and we are going to move.  We are going to be closer to my parents and I think that proximity will be good in the raising of my children.  I have always said it takes a village and I believe this statement to be true.  I am grateful for the village: my family.  We will be closer to hear the stories of my 87-year-old papa who lives with my parents.  My kids can have servant hearts and learn ways to ensure his comfort and happiness only a couple doors down.  We are going.

Half a year later and the minute I worry about what to do with our current house.  God answers.  The same day.  The neighbor behind us is interested, she tells my husband.  Very interested, she tells me the next day.  She reiterates, "I want this to happen.  I will take great care of this place."  Moving to the corner will mean a larger lot, a larger space for her. . .where it has become almost bursting at the seams for us, it will be her definition of perfect. 

God is so good.  God's timing is impeccable.  God's plan and direction beyond anything I could ever have imagined!

Even when the voices are loud: insecurity, fear, indecisiveness, anger, children screaming. . .His voice is clear. Always.

June 22, 2012

This post just couldn't wait until Monday.  We are officially in ESCROW on a home that found us when we weren't even looking.  You see, fifteen years ago, my twenty-one year old self, at the urging of my parents bought this home.

It was a few blocks away from my University where I was finishing up my credential, and in a great little neighborhood where I felt safe, which was extremely important to a young girl moving out on her own.  The other deal sealer:  I could afford it. . .on my own.  I didn't need a room mate; I didn't need a co-signer.  I could truly call this baby mine.

There was a lot of growing up in this house. A long term relationship that came to a crushing end; friendships destroyed and mended in large part due to said relationship... and meeting the man God had intended for me to share my life with all along.  And together we built this.

Through hard work, sweat and tears we conspired to take what the little house offered and make it enough to fit what are now our four children.  Each of the three youngest were brought home here, and  I miscarried our first born love here--in this space.  What the home may have lacked in space we made up with love.  Plenty of entertaining has gone on in this home, celebrating life and family and all things precious to us.

 Two years ago, we happened upon a house that had more space, RV parking, and an attached three car garage.  It was on a quiet street and all of a sudden we could visualize our children growing up there.  God had other plans, so we stayed put and decided there was great contentment in what we had created and we worked earnestly to upgrade hardwood floors throughout, granite countertops, and fresh paint.  And all was good with our little world again.  Our perfect space.

About two months ago, while picking up the baby from Grandma's I saw people moving from a house.  This was a house I played in often with two of my best buddies growing up.  It was a house I knew extremely well.  And I just knew it was part of God's plan for us.  It had only been a little while ago that I realized my parent's home was not going to be an option for us.  I grew up wanting one day to raise my kids in that house, in that neighborhood, except their house didn't have the four bedrooms, nor the RV parking. . .so it was no longer a viable option. But then God gifted us this.

 A couple houses down.  Same cul-de-sac.  Gated pool.  Large lot.  I never thought this would happen when we weren't even looking.  Obviously, God had other plans.  We are in escrow, my friends. Escrow.  Summer threw us a curve ball and it is still sinking in.  We are moving. Next stop:  my old stomping grounds.  Kids in tow. For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.--Jeremiah 29:11

Now comes the tough part.  Do we sell the home we have made home for the past fifteen years or do we rent it out.  I'm all for selling, but my husband has a different idea. Thoughts?  Ideas? Suggestions?

May 31, 2012

There are those days I find myself with so much to do and not enough time; then there are those days with time and not a whole lot I have to do.  It's funny, given a couple hours alone with no children or husband--no demands that have to be done and I just get to be...but I don't feel like doing anything.

After a morning that was partially consumed with attending a funeral for a woman who worked in my district, I felt a loss at what to do with my free time.  First, I stopped by the cemetery where she was going to be buried and visited my Nana and Uncle Ted's plots.  After a few minutes of conversation with. . ..my thoughts--and a sun beating down on me, I left.

I wandered into Kohl's but soon realized I had nothing I wanted or needed to buy.  No desire to acquire more stuff just for something to do. So I headed to Starbucks and used a gift card for an iced tea treat.  With a cold drink in hand, I walked across the parking lot to get myself a manicure and pedicure.  It isn't often I engage in this pleasure, but since it was my Open House at work, and the baby was with grandparents enjoying the camping life with her cousins and the kids in school, I thought, why not?

Coincidentally, the chair I sat in faced the parking lot where I began to see some familiar faces walking into a neighboring restaurant.  Apparently this was where the reception was for the woman who had passed away.  She lived in the same city I did.  I did not know that.  I did not know her really.  I was often greeted by her mom's smiling face when I visit our district office, but I had never had the pleasure of meeting her daughter directly.  While she taught elementary, I spent most of my days at the high school.  However, she worked at the school I began.  She worked with some of my friends who are still near and dear to my heart. They feel her loss directly.

Sitting there, being pampered, I couldn't help but think about this woman, two years younger than myself.  The church was filled with people.  That is saying a lot if you know how big our Catholic churches are.  I stood in the back, only having a little bit of relief  time from a teacher at my site.  I saw countless faces of people who worked in our district.  I saw many faces of people who are close friends of our family--people who I would call my own family, in fact.  And I reflected on the life this woman lived despite her ongoing health battles.  I listened as a speaker declared her passionate about the things and persons she loved most.  My eyes filled with tears for the lives she was leaving behind, but in the same moment I was filled with gratitude for her ease from suffering.  I was reminded of our faith and the way we will dance with Him in heaven and our spirits will soar and never can our bodies fail us again. . .and there was such comfort in that thought.  Such peace.

The legacy I leave my children is such a deliberate act.  It is a conscious decision every. single. day.  I was reminded again, of my mom's health being restored from a stage three diagnosis. A miracle?  Perhaps.  But a gift, nonetheless.  A gift I sometimes forget in my day to day happenings and raising of  my beautiful children. I want to bask in the beauty of this life the Lord has given me. . .this doesn't mean I don't address situations with love and grace, or I avoid conflict at all costs.  It means I choose to do things differently.  I do it with Him in mind and I consciously rely on His hand in everything.

A friend emailed what she took away from the rosary and I wanted it somewhere to reflect on often:

1. Love the Lord with your whole heart (when you do this it shows in all you do)
2. Stop complaining (Even though she felt pain everyday, she never complained about it. She didn't take things for granted, such as walking, breathing, and seeing...)
3. Be positive (see the beauty in everything that God provides for us especially when it's difficult to do)
4. Serve others with a joyful heart (Do unto others as you want them to do unto you).

A life was lost, but her death served as a reminder to the rest of us in how we choose to live.
May she rest in peace.. .

May 24, 2012

Dear Daughter,

I know how much you heart is set on summer camp with the dance team you used to love, but dance camp isn't the issue--it's the bigger dance commitment that is.  I just don't want to share you with that competitive dance team again this year!  Having you back in our hearts and home this year has been such a tremendous JOY!

 I don't want them to have you at least five hours a week.  I don't want to not be able to schedule any fun family weekend outings between both you and your dad's crazy schedules.  Competitions were long days filled with lots of dancing, and make up, and frilly clothes...and sitting there and sitting there and sitting there.  All day long.  During dance season, I always felt I was battling for your heart.  I didn't have enough time with you to instill His truth, our guidance, and love.  I was tired. You were tired. Your siblings were tired because we were always on the go. . .up early, home late and what to do with your brother and sister during such full days focused on you--and your ten minutes of routines?  Ten minutes, love bug. All day long and hours of practice each week for ten minutes.

Now, if this was truly what your heart desired, we would consider it.  It would be extremely difficult to make it happen, but we would try again. . .or we can try again later when you're a little older.  But now?  You've been able to participate in two other shows since you didn't have the dance commitment--you were able to do what you love up there on a stage and perform.  You even had speaking parts this year, bug.  Being your mama, who doesn't want to see you get hurt, I recommended being a narrator so you would in fact be able to speak.  However, you had other plans.  Dorothy.  You won the role over eleven other lovely girls.  You wanted it, and you went after it and He blessed you with the part.  Finally, your voice was heard.

You blessed others with your beautiful voice when you sang at mass on Sunday.  If you were to join dance again, you would have to give this up too--as practice times conflict.  And, what about those plans we had for you to be my helper in Bubba's second year CCD class?  You were so excited to share your newest found faith in the consumption of bread and wine at mass this year. . .so excited to teach younger ones about the journey. 

But daughter dearest, if this is something your heart is set on,  I promise you it can be yours again in the future, just not yet.  Not this year.  What you might see as being mean, I simply see as not being ready yet.  You're not ready to get out there into the world with such little direction and  I'm not ready to send you.  We need more time here.  In this place, our home to guide you and grow you and to let you be little for as long as you can be!  You deserve the best from us--and although I know your dance teachers love you, it's different and we need you here.  Not the bustle and hustle of drop offs, and dinner away from our table, and late nights with no time for books and barely uttered prayers before you fall asleep exhausted.

I'm sorry love bug.  Dance team is not in the cards for this year.  A dance class, sure.  We can look into that--but the team?  Not happening again. . . yet.  I hope you can understand that this is not the end, but a beautiful beginning of what God can do when we intentionally lay the foundation at home first: spending quality time together, loving each other first, building His kingdom in our hearts, and shining His light to those we meet. 

I can't wait to see you on stage next week in the Wizard of Oz. . .and in November as part of the You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown cast. Keep shining His light and pursuing your passion!  Promise we will revisit the dance discussion another year.

Love Always,
Mom

May 22, 2012

The days around here have been long without my husband.  As his work load has increased, I am thankful and exhausted all in the same breath.  There was a time and may be again in the future, where the work slows down and a lay off is in store.  What I used to get so stressed about, has been a true blessing each time it has occurred. . .so I keep that in the back of my mind as I struggle with the daily demands of motherhood.  And I let myself bathe in the blessings of an abundance of work, long hours that mean bigger paychecks that will pad the bank account for the months to come.  My decreased contract might not hurt the pocketbook as much as it might have.

These long days remind me the reason I am choosing to stay home more next year.  It is impossible to do both jobs well: teaching and mothering.  It is impossible for me to function at the same caliber of excellence in my classroom, when I'm swimming around in my mind with thoughts of whether Lene knows her lines, if Bubba's project will get finished in time--and Dear God, please let Janessa take a nap AND sleep through the night! When I am home, I am thinking about the tasks my students must accomplish for the next day.  I am trying to choose whether my students can afford me being out of the classroom "just" so I can attend a craft workshop in my daughter's class for Father's day gifts. . .and I hate this struggle between two forces that never lets up.  Never.

For those who tell me it is possible to have it all, be it all, and do it all with careful planning and fierce determination. . .It is not for me.  Not anymore.  I could argue: but is it worth it?  Is it worth me not feeling that I'm great in any area--neither mothering, nor teaching?  The end of the year with eighth grade activities, in conjunction with my own children's end of year activities, topped with a husband's hectic schedule, compounded by a daughter asking to be a part of the competitive dance team again (I will save that for another post), is drowning me.

Rest is on the horizon.  But, oh how I need it today! Gulping in His peace and comfort because I know only He can sustain me when my world feels hectic and out of control.

Looking forward to tomorrow where a personal necessity day is mandatory since my husband is taking the day off so he doesn't miss Open House.  I will rest up then. I will rest with him and dream about the joys of summer which will be here in three very short weeks.  Thank God!

May 2, 2012

Sometimes I really miss working at the High School.  Not enough to go back to work full time, but I miss that age of discovery and self-motivation. Not all students had their own dreams and drive yet, but as a Freshman English teacher I was able to see it develop over the course of four years with visiting students.

Teaching only eighth grade, I don't see it yet.  After I have taught them, they leave.  Rarely do they come back to visit their middle school years.  It seems they are happy to get on with it already and I get that.  I really do. . .but I still miss it.

Last week I had two unexpected visits that made me miss those high school days. . .the first a friend, who I have watched grow up in our neighborhood.  She drives now, is taking three AP classes and as a Junior is researching colleges for her future.  Application time is really right around the corner.  I admire those people who have the gumption to get out there and go the distance when it comes to college.  To leave home, live in a dorm, and experience college life is part of the whole "young adulthood."  Unfortunately, I had no desire to go away.  I was afraid to leave home.  I was the peace keeper.  I liked to make sure everyone else was okay.  So, I played it safe and attended a good school, five minutes from home and became a "commuter."  But it's just not the same.

So listening to this young lady, all her hopes and dreams swirling around and round, up and down, clouding her mind--I smile.  At least she has the confidence to take that first step away from home to see what is out there for her.  And I ask for prayer for her.  She has this other issue that she is working on. . .one that kind of just crept into her life unexpectedly and uninvited; one that has the potential to destroy all she has worked for if she doesn't conquer it.  So I ask for prayers for her.  This young woman has great potential, value, and worth and I pray she can see it in herself so she can conquer her battle head-on and defeat the enemy who whispers lies into her psyche.

The other surprise visit was from my almost twenty-one year old niece who currently resides out of state.  Apparently she was down here for a few days researching some places to live in the Fall. Greeting this young woman and her boyfriend, feeding them, and catching up was nice.  They have some lofty plans ahead but I think this trip showed them that they need to do more saving before they put the plan in action.  My niece reminds me a lot of myself--hard worker, living on her own at twenty and pretty in love with this guy she has been dating for four years.  My hope is that she doesn't jump into "their" plan, abandoning her family, apartment, and job before they are ready. Before they are married. Listening to myself with them...I walked a fine line between being supportive and saying how I really was feeling.  Then I listened to E and he put it all out on the table. No beating around the bush.  He called it as he saw it and I was grateful he was home.  Grateful he loves this niece so much that he would be nothing but truthful about the pitfalls of living with someone before they are married.  The dangers of moving out of state with no commitment between the two of them and God.  I was relieved it came from him.  I didn't dare broach that subject because, well. . .

I did live with him before marriage and I wouldn't recommend that to my own daughters.
What seemed practical then seems unnecessary now.
. . .and many relationships that start off with living together before marriage don't end with, well, marriage.  I remember hearing a saying, why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

But I didn't go there with my niece, not with the young man sitting there. Not yet.  There will be a time and place for that discussion. I didn't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable or create a division.  I just want her to be happy. And safe. And prepared. And I promise next time she comes to eat, I will make sure it is cooked all the way through! It's the stove--I tell you!

Freezer meal took on a whole new meaning with the un-baked spaghetti dish tonight!

So, I feel like a hypocrite.  Don't do as I did? That just doesn't sit well with me.  I don't think it will sit well with my daughters either.  How do you navigate those things you did that you would like your kids not to repeat?

March 12, 2012

Apparently, there will be a little more of this. . .

this. . .

and this. . .

in our future.

It seems when I finally put God's will for my life back in His hands, where it belonged. . .
He opened doors and prepared the way for a further REDUCED CONTRACT for me!  I will be working twenty percent next year which equates to Mondays!  I am super excited to move down to the sixth grade level and teach Social Studies. . .I will be able to use my Language Arts background to help kids become better readers of informational texts. It's a win/win for all!

I was reminded yet again of Jeremiah 29. . .¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 

It has been a constant seeking to please and follow Him that has led me to where I am today.  I have felt this tugging at my heart to change course, to enjoy this precious time with the baby--who is now a full grown toddler of twenty-seven months, to have faith that His plans for me are so much grander than my own.  And now I sit in awe of this gift He has given, this change that is on my horizon, this time I will never get back and I am filled with immense gratitude.  And I can honestly say that no matter how this turned out--whether I needed to walk away completely from teaching, or this, I would have been thankful. . . for every day is a gift. This, I know for sure.

Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.--1Thessalonians 5:18

February 23, 2012

Ashes from Mass

So it seems that another book club night is upon us.  As is Lent.  As is anticipation and excitement for a three night get away with my husband in a mere forty-one days. . .
Then there's the whole job situation in which I'm sure deadlines loom and I am in the dark about.
I'm just waiting.  I'm waiting to see if things work out. . .or don't.  And know what?
I am completely at peace. Either way.
For those who know me, this is not my nature.  I am a worrier. A planner. Organized.
It seems all that has changed, at least as it pertains to my work situation for next year.
I want more time with my kids.  Either option will grant me that. The End. Win/Win, right?
Looks that way to me!

The only way to get that is to walk away from a position that seems great because it's already part time--but still demands so much of me. So much of my mom in caring for my kids in the mornings. Call it what you may, but my perspective on motherhood has shifted.  The me I always dreamed of being--successful educator and counselor--didn't have kids when I envisioned God's calling for my life.

I'll never forget my first interview with a principal, two months after my twenty-first birthday.  I can't believe I started my career at that young age.  I had lessons to plan and responsibilities that most friends that age couldn't comprehend.  While others were planning girl's getaways, I had a mortgage to pay.  I was fiercely independent and determined not to fail, not to need financial help from a room mate or from my parents.  And I did it--I worked hard, I did my job well, I passionately pursued my teaching career full-heartedly and embraced my students and their families to provide the best educational experiences I could.

I can't get over how young I look!

When I got married, nearly ten years ago, staying home wasn't an option when our first daughter was born.  Five years ago, shortly after our son was born,  we figured out a way where I could reduce my contract. And now, with baby number three, who is already two, I know that I'm supposed to be here.  This home that I cultivate is my calling for now--investing unconditional love and time to these kids we are raising so that they pursue God first. That matters!

Part of why walking away is so difficult is ego related.  It's nice to be told you're good at something.  It's nice to see your students succeed or come back years later to let you know what you meant to them.  And let me be real here:
It's nice to have a paycheck and live comfortably.  I mean, it just is.  

But I'm ready for what's next.
So I approach this Lent (a time of  penance, reflection, and fasting which prepares us for Christ's Resurrection on Easter Sunday, through which we attain redemption) with eyes wide open to the sacrifices He has made for me.  I reflect on His calling for my life  and I  wait to see what His plans for me unfold.

The Lenten Prayer

O Lord and Ruler of Life, take from me the spirit of idleness, despair, cupidity, and empty talking. Yea, O Lord grant that I may see my own sins and not judge my brother. For thou art blessed forever and ever. Amen.

January 20, 2012

She watches me.

I model how she should live.

She imitates what she sees and hears.

She is a two-year-old with a passionate, sometimes strong-willed personality; sometimes my little cuddle bug.

When I make myself take the time to really watch her play, I am reminded that my way (for now) is all she knows.

Shouldn't my way be parallel with His?

Shouldn't I model love and service with a joyful heart?

Shouldn't I watch my tone and take the time to really be in the moment?

I've never been more aware of the fact that my kids are growing up at an alarming rate.

This chapter of childhood will close all too soon and I know I have not participated fully.

I am the only one that can change this.

Through His word daily, my heart is softening, 

His words are seeping in to the depths of my soul.

I am seeing how I am supposed to live for the first time in my thirty-six years of life.

I am reminded that my role as mother trumps my job as teacher.

The accolades that come from being at home with my kids may be few and far between on the verbal level, but I can allow myself to participate more freely because it will be where I am supposed to be.

This much I know now.

I've spent a couple years not really feeling good enough at home nor in the the classroom.

My heart has been divided.

But I love teaching, I think to myself.

But I know no different either.

At twenty-one years of age my feet hit the ground running and I've never really looked back.

Seven years ago I prayed to be able to go part time, and two years later God answered those prayers.

For the past five years I have felt so blessed, but still divided.

I have a foot teetering in the realm of each domain: home and work.

How do I walk away from something that I prayed so hard for, something that only could have been gifted to me by Him?

You just do.

You just do because seasons change.

Your calling has changed.

His plans for you are different than the ones you have mapped out for yourself.

Go. . .

All these ramblings, because today I go to HR to discuss my options for next year.

Truth be told, there really is only one.

I know that in my heart.

Today I go to speak it aloud to the ones who will officially make it happen.

"Go on. Go to God."  JF

January 13, 2012

January 10, 2012

Ever since June 28, 2010 this image has been ingrained on my heart and mind even more than the ginormous splendor that the Sequoias and Yosemite offered.

This is what my eyes bore witness to the minute my feet were firmly planted on ground after hours of travel in the RV.

The Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.

WOW!

Memories of the children's book The Legend of the Three Trees flashed across my mind.

Each tree had such big plans for themselves but after many passing years they forgot their dreams as they never seemed to come to pass.  

However, God had even bigger plans....

and that's the thought I relish in today.

I have worked for years crafting what I thought was the "right" life for me, which turned into the right life for us.

Ten years in and I'm not so confident in "my plan" any more.

Maybe it's time to throw caution to the wind and dive head first into faith.

Why is it I have faith that there is a heaven and a promise of eternal life, but I can't quite grasp that He is enough all the time, for everything... Today. Tomorrow. In the future? Now.

I'm realizing this is not a coincidence that I've flashed-back on this photo and reflected on why it was so striking--what those three trees represented that day, last summer.

I don't think I was ready to see the big picture then, to ask myself the hard questions, to deviate from my "plan."

God has a way of getting my attention.

Another afternoon, I'm sitting here in awe of the wisdom he breathes into me from a simple snapshot in time.

^"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Jeremiah 29:11

Go on. Go to God...JF

November 2, 2011

Every day leading up to Thanksgiving, at dinner before we read our devotion, we will each be listing one thing we are thankful for.
We started yesterday--I took the picture Sunday (just so you know--I am not behind already---I mean yet).

On this day, as I return to work. . .

2.  I am thankful for the time I needed to heal.