Sitting on my Heart

I've had this thought sitting on my heart since Back to School night a week ago.  Our big girl has science camp this year and it is rapidly approaching.  For years I've watched the kids and parents gather with sleeping bags, cameras, kisses and tears and watched the bus pull away from the curb with their precious cargo inside.  I think each year to myself, how am I ever going to be able to do that?  To send her away for three whole nights with no contact whatsoever?  I may have asked that question over the dinner table as we've prayed for the previous fifth graders who have gone.

And now--here we are.  Fifth grade is upon us and the camp is real.  Back to School Night I got the dates and the website to view their activities and I tried to come home with enthusiasm and say, "Camp is coming, bean!"  And then her eyes got wide and she kind of freaked out.  That night she asked how would she make it three nights when she had a hard time with her first real sleepover this summer.  Who would bless her? I put on my bravest face and we prayed together aloud that she could be brave and not miss out on this exciting opportunity...then I whispered, "If you really don't want to go, we won't make you."  She slept fine but I didn't.

I'm bothered because I admire kids who go away to college.  Most times I feel like their parents have given them wings to fly.  And they soar.  Then I look at my own history and wish I hadn't felt the need to keep peace and stay close to my home base. I think about the opportunities I might have had if I hadn't been so afraid of the great big world.  I don't regret it.  I just wonder. There is a difference.

I don't want to project my fears on my daughter.  I don't want to do that to any of my kids actually.  But unknowingly, or unwillingly I think sometimes I do.  And that's a hard pill to swallow.  My fears shouldn't be their fears...especially when I'm trying to teach them:
 ⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.--Philipians 4:6

How is that for hypocrisy?  Yes, I am a work in progress.  So today we will pray for strength to walk out the door and face those fears head on.  We will pray that if she's supposed to be there, God will give her what it takes to be there.  These are the prayers we will pray aloud.  The ones in the silence of my own heart will be about letting go, trusting God, being fearless and unafraid.  That's a tall order for a mom that was pretty freaked out about this whole science camp thing. . .but I'm realizing those prayers are going to be more and more necessary as Lene continues to grow, to stretch, to reach, to blossom into the woman God is calling her to be.  Ten years old.  This whole growing up thing is really more a process of me learning to let go.