February 23, 2012

Ashes from Mass

So it seems that another book club night is upon us.  As is Lent.  As is anticipation and excitement for a three night get away with my husband in a mere forty-one days. . .
Then there's the whole job situation in which I'm sure deadlines loom and I am in the dark about.
I'm just waiting.  I'm waiting to see if things work out. . .or don't.  And know what?
I am completely at peace. Either way.
For those who know me, this is not my nature.  I am a worrier. A planner. Organized.
It seems all that has changed, at least as it pertains to my work situation for next year.
I want more time with my kids.  Either option will grant me that. The End. Win/Win, right?
Looks that way to me!

The only way to get that is to walk away from a position that seems great because it's already part time--but still demands so much of me. So much of my mom in caring for my kids in the mornings. Call it what you may, but my perspective on motherhood has shifted.  The me I always dreamed of being--successful educator and counselor--didn't have kids when I envisioned God's calling for my life.

I'll never forget my first interview with a principal, two months after my twenty-first birthday.  I can't believe I started my career at that young age.  I had lessons to plan and responsibilities that most friends that age couldn't comprehend.  While others were planning girl's getaways, I had a mortgage to pay.  I was fiercely independent and determined not to fail, not to need financial help from a room mate or from my parents.  And I did it--I worked hard, I did my job well, I passionately pursued my teaching career full-heartedly and embraced my students and their families to provide the best educational experiences I could.

I can't get over how young I look!

When I got married, nearly ten years ago, staying home wasn't an option when our first daughter was born.  Five years ago, shortly after our son was born,  we figured out a way where I could reduce my contract. And now, with baby number three, who is already two, I know that I'm supposed to be here.  This home that I cultivate is my calling for now--investing unconditional love and time to these kids we are raising so that they pursue God first. That matters!

Part of why walking away is so difficult is ego related.  It's nice to be told you're good at something.  It's nice to see your students succeed or come back years later to let you know what you meant to them.  And let me be real here:
It's nice to have a paycheck and live comfortably.  I mean, it just is.  

But I'm ready for what's next.
So I approach this Lent (a time of  penance, reflection, and fasting which prepares us for Christ's Resurrection on Easter Sunday, through which we attain redemption) with eyes wide open to the sacrifices He has made for me.  I reflect on His calling for my life  and I  wait to see what His plans for me unfold.

The Lenten Prayer

O Lord and Ruler of Life, take from me the spirit of idleness, despair, cupidity, and empty talking. Yea, O Lord grant that I may see my own sins and not judge my brother. For thou art blessed forever and ever. Amen.