Gone

It should come as no surprise when people pass away.  I know it's all part of the circle of life.  I know God has a plan for each of us that includes our being born and our dying.  How we live in the meantime is just a part of our journey.  For those of us who believe, we know where we are going to end up and that is comforting if not exciting at the same time.  Heaven is a place we have only read about in the bible and imagined in our dreams.  It is our final destination after what we hope is a long life lived well.

Today I heard that a secretary I had used to work with passed away.  I haven't been on that particular campus in close to six years.  There's something about me and visiting my former schools. . .I don't tend to do so.  I think in the six years I had been gone, I took my dad a Starbucks once, causing me to walk the familiar campus with many unfamiliar faces.  And I visited when my daughter performed with the drama department, but that was generally after hours and on a drop off or drop in to the theater basis only.  I just wasn't one to visit and reflect on what I had left.  It was always good while I was there, until it wasn't and then I moved on.

But today when I tucked my oldest in and we prayed for Ofie's family, I could see her clearly sitting at her desk.  She was always so darn stylish and put together; cute hair, and great laugh and smile.  I loved passing through her office area when going to the guidance office. She always asked me about my kids. Always. She saw me through my first two pregnancies and she always asked about my babies.  Even when they weren't really babies, she called them that.  And she always listened and believed in my dream of wanting to be home with them.  Always.  She  encouraged me.  She smiled.  She laughed.  She asked about who was most important in my life and when we talked, she made me feel like they were that important to her too.  Oh, how she wanted to be a grandma!  She was so excited when her daughter was getting married because that meant she was one step closer to those grandbabies. . .and I'm not sure if that ever became a reality.  I sure hope so because that woman had so much love to give.  It makes me sad that she is no longer here.

I ache for her sister, who I randomly met a few years back through a mutual friend.  I knew they were sisters before I really even knew.  I could just tell.  They both had that look, that spark, that laugh.  Her family will not be the same without her, but I know where she is now.  She believed.  She loved God greatly and she lived a life that I'm happy I was able to be a part of for a little while.  And I just wanted to write down in my little book of memories and life lessons for my babies that Ofie was one of my original cheerleaders at the high school who encouraged me to be with you.  She supported me working if that's what I needed to do and she supported me at home if that's what we decided we could afford to do.  She would look at your little faces and say she saw so much of your dad. . .and she would laugh and smile and talk about how much she wanted to be a grandma. That's the Ofie I will always remember and I'll always be grateful to have known her for the time I did.  If only she could see you now. . .oh wait, she can: )  Heaven gained another angel today.

Just because. . .

Writing when the words don't want to come will get you nowhere.

Being who He created you to be can't happen if you're always trying to edit His plans in your life.

Letting go of a job title to lean into motherhood is more complicated than I would like it to be.

Embracing hands free and being hands on is beautiful in theory but hard to practice...all. the. time.

Caring for a sickie is exhausting and exhilarating all in the same breath.

The realization your standards for clean and your kids standard for clean are two different things. . .means middle ground is hard to come by.

Gorgeous weather makes for a happy soul and dreams of adventure to accompany it. 

The kids?  They beg for summer to come quickly.  I beg for it too.  For the last sentences of this chapter to be written and to close this part of my story. 

The thought of the future and the opportunities that await me--excites me as much as it terrifies me.  

I breathe deep gulps of gratitude to be able to walk away from a career in education for a season. . .but then I anxiously explore other options because if I am not a teacher then who am I? I updated my resume--for what? How can I encourage a college education for my girls so that they don't feel guilt if they decide to stay home and raise their own children? Where does my guilt even come from? Sigh.

I tuck it all away and try to focus on God and His plans for me, but then there's the writer's block because I can't really write anything of substance if I don't deal with the thoughts I'm stuffing.  So I un-stuff here in this space. I think about the character education program I have the chance of starting at our elementary school. I think about my TK'er and the opportunity I have to school her at home.  Every day.  For a whole year.  I think about early morning time with my two girls next year. . .how perfect as one goes off to middle school, we will have the gift of an hour together every morning.  I think about not having to lesson plan or grade papers, or desperately plea with parents to do something to help their child to be successful. . .how freeing that sounds!  Sigh of relief.  

Being my kid's mom is enough.  I am enough.  He had this plan for my life all long!!! I'm embracing the role and seizing the opportunity because it's mine!!!  All of it! Blessing upon blessing upon blessing! For seventeen years I've left imprints on the lives of my students. . .now the direction is shifting and I am so excited for the imprints I will leave on the hearts of my children and their friends.

"For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago." Ephesians 2:10 (NLT)

Catholic Confessions about Community

This weekend marked the end of Jonathan's Faith Formation class and the first time he received communion.  This has been a two year process in which he and I shared this year of schooling together.  Being a teacher at church grew me.  Being more a part of my church community was both exhilerating and disappointing.  While I bonded with my class of eleven students and appreciated the dedication and hard work of my assistant, frankly, some parents disappointed me.  The same faces I saw weekly became blurred at church on Sunday.  I thought by pouring into my church community, relationships would develop and I'd have a better connectedness to my church.  Not so much. Teaching hasn't really changed anything.  But it has changed everything.  Sort of.

The Catholic Church is what it has always been.  Good or bad, depending on who you talk to I guess.  It's interesting to me when I hear the words of our pastor about the importance of coming to mass not because we feel like we have to, but to celebrate with our community and give thanks to our God. But week after week it seems many still come to church to mark it off their to do list.   It seems I've heard him talk on several occasions why NOT to do this.  Yet, the people hurry in, sit down, barely greet each other, shake hands at peace, wait in line for the Eucharist and hurry out to beat the crowd in the parking lot.  Every single week without fail. And this community I thought I'd find if I stepped forward to teach our youth?  I didn't.

But I did find my place and a newfound appreciation for Catholicism.  I found a priest who speaks words I need to hear every single time.  I found a new value in  having my kids celebrate mass with me (as hard or as distracting as it may be at times) because didn't Jesus say,  

"Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."--Matthew 19:14

I found that I could stop blaming the church for "what was missing."  The church has had it all along, but something inside me was disconnected and searching elsewhere for it.  After my year in the classroom, despite not blossoming friendships like I may have wished for in the onset,  I found my place in the church I belong to.  I found my voice.  I found a desire to lead more like Jesus did by being His hands and feet, by seeing people as people and loving on them because that is what He asks me to do.

And some of the parents factor at Faith Formation classes?  They are no different than some of the parents I work with at the public school. They are no different than some of the parents I know. They are emotionally or physically checked out to doing their most important calling in life.  Raising children and teaching them life lessons  is exhausting and can be burdensome; some are selfish, some feel like they are not cut out to do it, some are scared to mess their kids up.  But the fact of the matter is, if they truly rely on our God, they can do anything. And they will be blessed ten fold by this.

I can do all this through him who gives me strength.--Philippians 4:13

Children are a blessing from the Lord--  

Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.--Psalm 127:3  

and while jobs are important and bills have to be paid. . .it pains me to see parents relying on teachers to do what needs to start at home first and foremost.  And while an education is vitally important. . .a firm, solid faith-filled home base is even more so.  Part of teaching this to my own kids will be to pursue it at church because it's what we are called to do.Community doesn't just happen by itself--we have to be willing participants.  I am ready and willing now.

This year, I received an email monthly from a mom's book club that gathers there at church on Wednesday mornings, and I never went once.  Child care was my excuse, but the truth is I didn't feel comfortable. . .I didn't know anyone.  I still don't but I'm making this group a priority next year because I've found my place in the church and want to encourage other people to find theirs. Community might not start off as comfortable but you have to desire it, pursue it, and make it happen. 

A New Normal

On a day that I thought would bring normal back. . .I am realizing a new normal is what I must mentally prepare myself for.  E showed up for work this morning only to be laid off.  They laid off thirty guys on Monday and his return was met with the same fate.  Ironically enough, this company is the same one he was laid off for almost three months a couple years ago.  The good news is now that he is a journeyman he can decline jobs that are too far away and just keep signing the books until something closer opens up.  The apprenticeship program no longer has to dictate where he goes and for how long.  As my friend shared their quote for the year, "Always see the good. . ." I may need to borrow this one for our household!

In choosing to see the good, and be fear{less} I'm not thinking too far ahead or worrying.  It is what it is, and for us right now that means more time with my man.  Just this summer, weren't we feeling like our time with him was fleeting?  Long hours and long drives had set us up for missing his physical presence and to actually be. . .dare I say, used to it?  I don't want any type of normal to be doing life without him.  Wasn't I reminded of how fragile life can be when his accident happened; what's some more time to spend with the man that I love? A blessing.

So today, I kick those old voices to the curb.  I choose joy.  I choose to count this moment as an opportunity, a gift. And I better go, because we have a walk to take.

May 16, 2012

Last weekend, I had the opportunity to catch up with a couple girlfriends as we attended a 40th birthday party. We all chatted aimlessly, which turned to breathlessly confessing our failings at mothering that week.  As we shared our struggle,  our frustration, and our embarrassment over certain mothering moments, I was moved by the compassion and empathy that poured out among the group. As we each boldly proclaimed our failings out loud, there was such a release. That mask of, "it's hard but I've got this," was lifted and we all relaxed into the familiar companion of friendship.  We commiserated, laughed, and encouraged each other.  It didn't matter if we worked full time, or part time, or not at all. We all spoke the same mothering language...and more days than not--it's hard no matter what your situation.

I was struck by something one of the girls said as she talked about her three year plan to go from working full time to part time.  When she was asked what she would do, she said maybe be an instructional aide or the lunch lady--but whatever she did, she would be the best!  And I could see that.  She would be the best and do her best with whatever job she chooses to do.  That is her personality.  She has a strong work ethic. . .much like all the women I am honored to call friends.

This simple reflection, following the conversation about our mishaps with motherhood made me think:   Am I always doing the best job I can with my kids? Do outward appearances sometimes matter more to me than how I've made them feel in the process?  When I'm in the classroom I give it my best, why should my home life be any different?  It shouldn't.

April 26, 2012

 Since long work days and a four hour commute have taken their toll on my husband, he opted to stay in a hotel last night.  We understood.  Coming home at 11 pm. and returning at 3:30 am was not an option.  Once the kids were asleep, I called him back and we talked about our days.  I think I was going down the list of things we had accomplished in a short six hour span since the kids had come home from school, when he interrupted teasingly, "What are you going to do when you only work one day a week?"

Immediately, several things came to mind.  Just that day I had sent an email to the Faith Formation Leader at church asking what days classes would be held next year so that I could hopefully volunteer.  Then there is that Parent Participation pre-school I always wanted to send the kids to, but never could because I worked mornings.  I also plan on doing a bible study because that is something I have always wanted to do but never can seem to fit it in --with my morning hours and the fact that evenings aren't an option with Ernie's schedule, then there's that Etsy shop I promised to help mom with...

But I think it's the little things that I am most looking forward to.  Making breakfast, doing hair, getting up and putting on my workout clothes, doing my workout after I've walked the kids across the street--before I get myself all ready for the day.  Then there is the volunteering in the classroom I hope to do if grandma will help out with the baby. Oh, wait--the baby will be ready for preschool twice a week after November!! How did that happen!?

How is it that I have already worked part time for five years?  Five years ago, taking that leap seemed unfathomable--we didn't know financially how it was going to happen but we did it.  It seems to me in the past few years our perspectives have shifted from what the world deems as important or status symbols to what we believe to be the most important: raising our kids.  Even harder?  Raising them  in a world that is more focused on keeping up with the Jones'.  Itty bitty bits of that creep in (his Porsche dream) but ultimately, we don't need multiple residences, luxurious vacations, or designer clothes to make us happy.  Happiness is being together, living within our means and knowing that we are doing our best with raising our kids.

Does it take sacrifice?  Yes. Does it take patience.  Yes, some days a lot more than others.  Does it take relying on my Heavenly Father to lead us?  Absolutely.  And that right there does not come easily.  Some mornings, I want to keep pressing the snooze button instead of spending time in the word.  Some Sundays (especially if E is working), I don't want to go to church and wrangle a two-year-old through the hour and twenty minute service.  And sometimes, when this friend is returning full time, or that friend is going part time--and I'm listening and conversing and trying to be actively engaged in the conversation, until I realize: no, I don't get it. I don't want to get it.  I choose this life for us for now. . .and then I feel kind of bad about it because not so long ago, I really did get it.

But then again, . . .maybe I never really did after all. Because I have always wanted to stay home--even when I knew it was not an option.  When I got pregnant with our first, I knew that I had to go back to work.  And I accepted that.  And I did my job really well, but in my heart I still desired to be home. . .somewhere down the road.

I grew up with a mom that always worked full time. She still managed to make dinners and we had home made lunches some kids were envious of, but I can't recall her ever being a part of our holiday parties, or helping in the classroom, or waiting in the pick up line for us.  My proudest days were when she would come to the school and give these awesome presentations about the importance of keeping our teeth healthy. That was my mom up there!  But I also recall feeling so carefree and happy in the seventh grade when she gave birth to my little brother.  She took an extended leave and I remember coming home to a house full of baking smells and the dishwasher had already been emptied and there wasn't laundry I had to fold.  I didn't have to pull as much weight because my mom was home. There was just something comforting about knowing she was there.

Thank God, I am here on this road where mom being home is an option.  Being home with these kids, raising them, investing in their hearts and souls is not a responsibility I take lightly.  I think the bad days come as a result of feeling my failures as a mom.  Maybe I was impatient, mean, or unwilling to take the time to really listen. . .it could be any or all three on any given day. And then I question if this place is the right place for me.  Wouldn't the classroom be so much easier?  For a while, maybe.  But that too, would chip away at my energy, my patience, my enthusiasm and I might only have morsels to bring home to my own little ones. Perhaps.

I am feeling so blessed for this opportunity to breathe into my daughters that they can be anything they want to be.  My job here at home is as important as the one that requires my college and master's degrees (if not more so--my own opinion).  Both are hard. Both require a ton of time, dedication, and energy.  Both are possible. . .somewhere down the road.

March 25, 2012

A very long time ago, I pledged a sorority. I found out it was so not for me--but the whole pledging experience was quite unforgettable. Keep in mind, I was only seventeen when I started college and I lived at home. My parents were on the strict side (thank God--never thought you would hear me say that, did you?) and I had a curfew and all kinds of normal rules that teenagers have.  This way of life was unfathomable for most of my sorority-soon-to-be-sisters.  Most lived on campus or on their owns and they didn't get why I couldn't do every bit of crazy that they did.  When it came time to get our pledge names--my big sister named me Murph.  I didn't get it.  She went on to explain how everything that could go wrong, did during our pledging experience...the first event I got home late which resulted in being grounded, which further effected other events.  Something about Murphy's Law. Maybe you have heard about it? Whatever the case may be, that memory always sticks with me, because honestly that name didn't fit.  I remember thinking she doesn't really know me at all--hence, one week after initiation I asked for a leave of absence and never went back.

Moving on, that memory was brought to the surface this week as two sick children were on my hands without Ernie home--it seems to be happening that way a lot these days.  Poor guy has been so busy with work that I'm taking over the home front.  However, me and throwing up on the homefront don't mix.  Remember the flu back in December?  Ugh!  Wednesday I ended up going back to my classroom with all three kids (one sick and one well on her way) because I couldn't find my flash drive.  I remembered having it in my hand to use, but someone needed my help on the computer so I set it down while I assisted.  We tore the room apart looking for it--the kids and I but to no avail.  It was gone.  Here's the other thing--me and missing/lost items are no good either.  I obsess over finding whatever it is.  I get fixated on it and I can tend to not be real nice.

Later that evening I attended up having to take the baby to Urgent Care--long story short, strep throat.  Unfortunately, even with only two hours of sleep, I had to go to work the next day due to my formal observation.  I just wanted to be done with it! Fast forward fifteen minutes into my lesson and the speaker in my class goes off asking me if I can go up to the office: I have a phone call from my daughter's school.  She had been injured on the playground.  Really? So I went.  She needed to be picked up to have her wrist looked at to make sure it wasn't fractured. On my way. . .in a few (15 to be exact)just had to finish my lesson or I would call grandma and send her.  Or maybe Ernie was home he had hoped to be there early that morning--a few phone calls on my trip back to the classroom and she was covered. Relief!  The timing, I tell you--the timing!!!

Deep breath, back to the lesson--it's going well.  We are to the part where I just finished explaining what they will do on their own now and BEEP! BEEP!BEEP!BEEP!  I look over to my administrator--a fire drill. Really? Yes, really.  So out we went.

Book Club was that night as well--at my house--but it didn't happen because at that point we were watching the baby for signs of dehydration.  She wasn't bouncing back as well as we had hoped!  Even now two full days later I think she might be having a reaction to the antibiotics and she was running a fever again last night. Thankfully daddy is home today.  The week is over and I'm hoping to be able to ignore the sore throat I have and grandma has one too. . .Spring Break is on the horizon for the kids. Palm Springs is on the radar for us. . .in spite of it all, life is still good. Blessed. 

P.S.  After I offered a reward, a student thinks he has my flashdrive.  He found it outside.  Hmm. . .hoping to see it again Monday.

We took a little nap Thursday afternoon when daddy was home and helping the kids with homework. 

After bath time, she wanted to just lay with Daddy.  I must add, we broke our no tv watching to view Disney's Totoro--which I had requested at the library over five months ago. We will also break it again when we watch The Easter Story.  We are all okay with that now. 

This is what it has been like over here in these parts:  a whole lot of crazy! A whole lot of sickies!  A whole lot of mess!  But always:  a whole lot of LOVE!!!

March 17, 2012

I just returned from two days of beautiful weather and was greeted by this rainstorm!! It was so nice in fact, I had to purchase sandals to make the weather and walking a little easier on my feet! It is hard to come from flip flops and short sleeves to this!  I spent some time in Palm Springs with my new job share partner for next year.  Since she currently works with the language learners using ipods, we were lucky enough to go to the Palm Springs Convention Center for a huge technology conference. . . it did not disappoint!

My head is swimming through the sea of information presented.  I need to take simple steps to get things down on paper (the planning phase) and then practice, practice, practice.  Technology moves so quickly and as great a resource as it can be in the classroom, it can also be discouraging when one does not know where to begin!! I'm hopeful the use of this technology in the classroom will help my one day a week of teaching really come alive! 

Besides what I learned, I was also blessed to spend time with my new partner, who is going to be a great fit--I can just tell!! I am so excited to work closely together in our little team to move these kids far.  We had a couple days to really get to know each other without the pressures of school or home.  We were able to brainstorm and dream big and excite and encourage each other.  It was definitely a trip I am so happy I was able to take.

 Everything about this gift God has given feels right and I will remember to give thanks and praise for His good works.  This did not happen by accident. . .His plans for me are perfect and I am so glad I am learning to put it in His hands and let it go!!!

March 12, 2012

Apparently, there will be a little more of this. . .

this. . .

and this. . .

in our future.

It seems when I finally put God's will for my life back in His hands, where it belonged. . .
He opened doors and prepared the way for a further REDUCED CONTRACT for me!  I will be working twenty percent next year which equates to Mondays!  I am super excited to move down to the sixth grade level and teach Social Studies. . .I will be able to use my Language Arts background to help kids become better readers of informational texts. It's a win/win for all!

I was reminded yet again of Jeremiah 29. . .¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 

It has been a constant seeking to please and follow Him that has led me to where I am today.  I have felt this tugging at my heart to change course, to enjoy this precious time with the baby--who is now a full grown toddler of twenty-seven months, to have faith that His plans for me are so much grander than my own.  And now I sit in awe of this gift He has given, this change that is on my horizon, this time I will never get back and I am filled with immense gratitude.  And I can honestly say that no matter how this turned out--whether I needed to walk away completely from teaching, or this, I would have been thankful. . . for every day is a gift. This, I know for sure.

Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.--1Thessalonians 5:18

March 5, 2012

Have a great week!

February 23, 2012

Ashes from Mass

So it seems that another book club night is upon us.  As is Lent.  As is anticipation and excitement for a three night get away with my husband in a mere forty-one days. . .
Then there's the whole job situation in which I'm sure deadlines loom and I am in the dark about.
I'm just waiting.  I'm waiting to see if things work out. . .or don't.  And know what?
I am completely at peace. Either way.
For those who know me, this is not my nature.  I am a worrier. A planner. Organized.
It seems all that has changed, at least as it pertains to my work situation for next year.
I want more time with my kids.  Either option will grant me that. The End. Win/Win, right?
Looks that way to me!

The only way to get that is to walk away from a position that seems great because it's already part time--but still demands so much of me. So much of my mom in caring for my kids in the mornings. Call it what you may, but my perspective on motherhood has shifted.  The me I always dreamed of being--successful educator and counselor--didn't have kids when I envisioned God's calling for my life.

I'll never forget my first interview with a principal, two months after my twenty-first birthday.  I can't believe I started my career at that young age.  I had lessons to plan and responsibilities that most friends that age couldn't comprehend.  While others were planning girl's getaways, I had a mortgage to pay.  I was fiercely independent and determined not to fail, not to need financial help from a room mate or from my parents.  And I did it--I worked hard, I did my job well, I passionately pursued my teaching career full-heartedly and embraced my students and their families to provide the best educational experiences I could.

I can't get over how young I look!

When I got married, nearly ten years ago, staying home wasn't an option when our first daughter was born.  Five years ago, shortly after our son was born,  we figured out a way where I could reduce my contract. And now, with baby number three, who is already two, I know that I'm supposed to be here.  This home that I cultivate is my calling for now--investing unconditional love and time to these kids we are raising so that they pursue God first. That matters!

Part of why walking away is so difficult is ego related.  It's nice to be told you're good at something.  It's nice to see your students succeed or come back years later to let you know what you meant to them.  And let me be real here:
It's nice to have a paycheck and live comfortably.  I mean, it just is.  

But I'm ready for what's next.
So I approach this Lent (a time of  penance, reflection, and fasting which prepares us for Christ's Resurrection on Easter Sunday, through which we attain redemption) with eyes wide open to the sacrifices He has made for me.  I reflect on His calling for my life  and I  wait to see what His plans for me unfold.

The Lenten Prayer

O Lord and Ruler of Life, take from me the spirit of idleness, despair, cupidity, and empty talking. Yea, O Lord grant that I may see my own sins and not judge my brother. For thou art blessed forever and ever. Amen.

January 23, 2012

Due to the good nature of Friday's meeting with HR,
My husband and I decided that a written budget was  the next item on the agenda.
When we are on--we are really on: like pay off an RV and truck in the same year on.
However, after such great feats we got a little lazy. . .and although we still have the no credit card approach--our spending needs to be reined in since I am going to be working less. . .or not at all next year.

So, Sunday we decided there's no perfect time like the present.

I pay the bills and attack debt with a vengeance; however, that whole budget spreadsheet thing boggles my mind. So we started on paper and then he moved to the computer.

 I was so happy to have him in charge!
While we worked, the kids created a restaurant.

How did they know there's going to be a little more eating at home?
I could get used to this treatment though. . .ambiance and all!
The day ended with week three of the New Year's Resolution: bike ride.

Although a bike is in my near future--I don't have it yet so I followed in the car for awhile and did our grocery shopping instead.
They ended up riding all the way to Grandma and Grandpa's house where I came with the truck to pick them up.
We watched some disappointing football (sorry if you're a Giants fan) and Grandma invited us for her barbecued burgers.
We never say no to her barbecue!!
Had some skunk action in the back yard with lots of screams, water, and two skunks fleeing the premises. Fun times!

Budget in place, tummy's full, Super Bowl looming.
Just another great weekend to be grateful for!!
How was yours?

"Go on. Go to God. . ." JF

 

January 20, 2012

She watches me.

I model how she should live.

She imitates what she sees and hears.

She is a two-year-old with a passionate, sometimes strong-willed personality; sometimes my little cuddle bug.

When I make myself take the time to really watch her play, I am reminded that my way (for now) is all she knows.

Shouldn't my way be parallel with His?

Shouldn't I model love and service with a joyful heart?

Shouldn't I watch my tone and take the time to really be in the moment?

I've never been more aware of the fact that my kids are growing up at an alarming rate.

This chapter of childhood will close all too soon and I know I have not participated fully.

I am the only one that can change this.

Through His word daily, my heart is softening, 

His words are seeping in to the depths of my soul.

I am seeing how I am supposed to live for the first time in my thirty-six years of life.

I am reminded that my role as mother trumps my job as teacher.

The accolades that come from being at home with my kids may be few and far between on the verbal level, but I can allow myself to participate more freely because it will be where I am supposed to be.

This much I know now.

I've spent a couple years not really feeling good enough at home nor in the the classroom.

My heart has been divided.

But I love teaching, I think to myself.

But I know no different either.

At twenty-one years of age my feet hit the ground running and I've never really looked back.

Seven years ago I prayed to be able to go part time, and two years later God answered those prayers.

For the past five years I have felt so blessed, but still divided.

I have a foot teetering in the realm of each domain: home and work.

How do I walk away from something that I prayed so hard for, something that only could have been gifted to me by Him?

You just do.

You just do because seasons change.

Your calling has changed.

His plans for you are different than the ones you have mapped out for yourself.

Go. . .

All these ramblings, because today I go to HR to discuss my options for next year.

Truth be told, there really is only one.

I know that in my heart.

Today I go to speak it aloud to the ones who will officially make it happen.

"Go on. Go to God."  JF

January 9, 2012

Today I went back to work after a beautiful two week vacation.

Two weeks of luxurious down time blessed with my kids company and no lesson planning or grading papers.

I just about loved every. single. minute!

Who wouldn't?

Right?

I returned to my classroom this morning.

The room that still strikes moments of reflection and pause from time to time.

I am happy to report that fear has been replaced with curiosity.

A keen awareness that change is on my horizon, I'm just not sure what that looks like exactly. Yet.

After acknowledging that we are in fact back to the grind, and realizing my second and third periods are just completely different communities of learners than I am used to. . .

today God placed the phrase, "Go with the flow," completely on my heart.

It isn't a coincidence that He used my word of the year.

I do believe, He was trying to get my attention.  

Mission accomplished!

So as I continue to listen to His calling for my life,

I will go with the flow in my classroom.

Don't get me wrong, this does not mean fly by the seat of my pants, or stop caring--

Quite the opposite is true!

I have many students with learning and emotional disorders who need structure and well thought out lessons to grasp the standards being taught. . .but I have to let go of some of the the things that have come to bother me a bit this year: twenty questions asking the same thing, a dull murmur of voices as I am in the middle of instruction, planning for opportunities to mix things up to stretch and break, assistants and personal aids in the classroom to assist...the list goes on.

Just as I will go where He leads me in the end.

I will go where they lead me for now.

I'll have my heart and ears open to receive what comes next.

I'll continue to enjoy the scenery along the way.

He wouldn't want it any other way, I'm sure.

Go on. Go to God. . .--JF

November 30, 2011

I feel like God keeps placing random people in my life to get me to pay attention.

A computer tech came into my room inquiring about a work order that was placed at the end of last school year.

Yep, we're quick like that. . .

Anyways, the problem had resolved itself (I guess) but I asked about the computer I had kept grades on for years.  It runs slower than molasses.  

The man was kind enough to help and I stayed after my kids left to prepare for the week.

We started talking and I shared about what had happened to me two months earlier and how I have been contemplating where I belong next year.

I have experience at all three levels (primary, middle, and high)...but I don't want to work full time.

Right about now, I'm not sure I want to work at all.

I have this tugging at my heart--this longing to be with my kids more...this desire to shape their hearts and minds more consciously.

There are many ways I can fulfill my calling in life in other arenas...CCD classes, tutoring, homeschooling.

Yes, I said it.

Homeschooling is an option I have always said I would consider.

I've come to believe that some of the expectations that are required of our little ones is simply too much stress.

I want my kids to love learning.

The End.

That simply isn't the case anymore as tests scores are emphasized and mandates come down from the state.

It is sad to see.

It's difficult to be a part of.

I work tirelessly to do my job well.

But as the computer tech pointed out,

"Our children are the most important lives we instruct and influence."

Yes, they are.

Come to find out this man and his wife have chosen to homeschool their four children.

We talked and he shared scripture. This was my favorite:

"In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."

Proverbs 3:6

So, I will continue to acknowledge him in full confidence that I will end up right where I belong.

It may not be where I expect; It may not be what others have come to expect from me.

All I know for sure is that I expect to find out.

Are you listening for His voice too?
Expect to hear from Him.
I do.

November 3, 2011

I decided only yesterday that I must participate in Thankful on Paper

because I went back to work.

On the drive there, I realized there was one person from my school site who took the time on three separate occasions to let me know she was thinking about me and keeping me in prayer.

She e-mailed me and sent me a card.

Twice.

They filled me up.

They gave me hope.

They let me know that I was on her mind.

I mattered.

At the end of my three hour day, she came to hug me and see how my day went.

She took the time to walk to my room.

She made an effort to connect with me and let me know--her praying never ceased.

And I believe her.

It has been five years at this school site...and sometimes it has been a lonely stay.

I work part time.

I'm not there for lunches and after school--chit chat and catching up.

But this librarian, she sees me.  

She sees everyone.

She reaches out.

She does His work with a joyful heart and enthusiasm.

I am so grateful for the time she took to reach out and more importantly the prayers she prayed on my behalf.

Psalm 105:1

"Oh give thanks to the Lord; call upon his name; make known his deeds among the peoples!"

3. I am thankful for Carol...so very thankful!

November 2, 2011

Every day leading up to Thanksgiving, at dinner before we read our devotion, we will each be listing one thing we are thankful for.
We started yesterday--I took the picture Sunday (just so you know--I am not behind already---I mean yet).

On this day, as I return to work. . .

2.  I am thankful for the time I needed to heal.