Get it Before it's Gone

The decisions we make, make the life we live. . .the decisions we make, make the life we live. . .that sentence has been bombarding my mind since I read it over a week ago.  I found it amidst a devotional that was delivered to my inbox from Lysa Terkurst, an author who is so real and sweet I dragged my mom down to San Diego one night just so we could listen to her speak at a Focus on the Family event.  We spent more time in the car than we did at the event. . .on a school night.  It 's definitely love!

I think the reason it sticks with me is because lately in book club we have discussed how busy we are, and all the demands we interpret as part of our days.  In some ways I have scaled back in an attempt to reclaim our family time in the evenings.  I declined continuing a book club because, no matter how much I like the girls, another weekly, night-time commitment takes time away from the sacred time I want to have with my most loved ones.  We almost said no with Lene doing another play.  We had to physically sit down with the director and express our concerns with the time commitment that was involved in the last show.  We had to set boundaries from the beginning if another show was to be in our family's future, because the reality is this:  her involvement effects our involvement.  This week, we decided not to rush through Holy week like crazy people so we declined a free golf clinic that I had signed up for months ago.  Everyone who knows me knows free is hard to pass up. . .so it was kind of a big deal.  The aha moment for me?  When I cared more about getting there on time Monday than the kids.  Deal was sealed.  We said no.

I have commented on being much busier now that I am primarily a stay-at-home mom.  That is for sure.  But the truth of the matter is, I do have more time in my day to pour into events, organizations, or the kid's classrooms, and truth be told: I enjoy it immensely.

That is not the problem.  The problem rears its ugly head when those commitments effect my family at home.  The problem is seen when I have too much to do on the computer, with meetings, or whatever, that I am not paying attention to my kids and husbands need because I am so centered on the project at hand.  Because let's face it, once upon a time I thought my career defined who I was.  I poured time, energy, and countless hours perfecting my craft of teaching.  It felt good to receive accolades and praise from administrators and colleagues and best of all: students.

 And then I had children of my own. . .

And my world was forever changed...for the better.
I may not ever again be "Teacher of the Year," but I treasure the job title gifted me by God more: Mom.

"The decisions we make, make the life we live." Live well.

“Life moves pretty fast. You don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it”. Ferris - Ferris Bueller’s Day Off 1986

August 30, 2012

"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal.--Matthew 6:19

It seems like forever that I have hated our bedroom furniture.  I know hate is a little extreme, but we bought it over ten years ago when it was the rage to have everything oak match: headboard and dressers.  It is heavy duty, quality furniture that cost a pretty penny.  There was no way I could justify paying for a new bedroom set.  Since our whole not moving decision, I have been in this constant effort to simplify and minimize.  Reading Almost Amish isn't helping either.  We have so much and can make do with so much less. 

The fact that I went to a friend's house on Friday for a Treasure swap, was yet again a reminder of our abundant blessings. There was even more great stuff to look through and choose from than the last time I went-- except during the prayer before we began I was moved by something she said about how blessed we are. As I looked around, although there was much, I decided to try to keep it to what we really needed.  Truth be told: we don't need a whole lot.

So, with that in mind, I decided to make use of what I had and give our bedroom furniture a little face lift.  After browsing this store yet again, I purchased what I needed, came home and got to work.  As fate would have it, the baby went down for her nap  easily and minutes into the beginning of my painting adventure, Ernie called to tell me he was on his way home. When he heard what I was up to, I heard a pause and maybe a sigh but he didn't complain.

When he came home, he picked up the kids from school, took them to the dentist and picked up dinner because he was loving the transformation taking place.  In a total of six hours, I redid two pieces, cleaned out all our drawers and painted and reupholstered (Ernie and his staple gun worked their magic) the chair.  Not bad for a day's work!!

The second piece:

While the paint may be a little pricey--missing all the steps of prep work was worth it to me.  I purchased a clear wax as well as a dark one, because I knew I wanted them a little antique-ish.  With three large windows with white shutters and crown molding, I didn't want a bright white, flat paint.  We are very happy with the results!

For the chair redo.  We just used what we had on hand fabric wise and it works well enough for now.  I would like to paint the desk and then paint the chair a color that pops, but I have to be realistic.  The bedspread won't last forever, so I need something very versatile.  Old white works. And as easy as it was, not every day is filled with the uninterrupted time with dad home with the kids.  And  my wrist, arms and legs may not be sore today from all the abuse work.
One last look.

Now I am going to be on the look out for a hope chest.  My mom had one and I would love one at the foot of our bed to hold some of my treasures--painting it may or may not be on the agenda as well. Yesterday was just one of those days that I was filled with extreme gratitude for our resources, our space, and our new furniture!!

April 26, 2012

 Since long work days and a four hour commute have taken their toll on my husband, he opted to stay in a hotel last night.  We understood.  Coming home at 11 pm. and returning at 3:30 am was not an option.  Once the kids were asleep, I called him back and we talked about our days.  I think I was going down the list of things we had accomplished in a short six hour span since the kids had come home from school, when he interrupted teasingly, "What are you going to do when you only work one day a week?"

Immediately, several things came to mind.  Just that day I had sent an email to the Faith Formation Leader at church asking what days classes would be held next year so that I could hopefully volunteer.  Then there is that Parent Participation pre-school I always wanted to send the kids to, but never could because I worked mornings.  I also plan on doing a bible study because that is something I have always wanted to do but never can seem to fit it in --with my morning hours and the fact that evenings aren't an option with Ernie's schedule, then there's that Etsy shop I promised to help mom with...

But I think it's the little things that I am most looking forward to.  Making breakfast, doing hair, getting up and putting on my workout clothes, doing my workout after I've walked the kids across the street--before I get myself all ready for the day.  Then there is the volunteering in the classroom I hope to do if grandma will help out with the baby. Oh, wait--the baby will be ready for preschool twice a week after November!! How did that happen!?

How is it that I have already worked part time for five years?  Five years ago, taking that leap seemed unfathomable--we didn't know financially how it was going to happen but we did it.  It seems to me in the past few years our perspectives have shifted from what the world deems as important or status symbols to what we believe to be the most important: raising our kids.  Even harder?  Raising them  in a world that is more focused on keeping up with the Jones'.  Itty bitty bits of that creep in (his Porsche dream) but ultimately, we don't need multiple residences, luxurious vacations, or designer clothes to make us happy.  Happiness is being together, living within our means and knowing that we are doing our best with raising our kids.

Does it take sacrifice?  Yes. Does it take patience.  Yes, some days a lot more than others.  Does it take relying on my Heavenly Father to lead us?  Absolutely.  And that right there does not come easily.  Some mornings, I want to keep pressing the snooze button instead of spending time in the word.  Some Sundays (especially if E is working), I don't want to go to church and wrangle a two-year-old through the hour and twenty minute service.  And sometimes, when this friend is returning full time, or that friend is going part time--and I'm listening and conversing and trying to be actively engaged in the conversation, until I realize: no, I don't get it. I don't want to get it.  I choose this life for us for now. . .and then I feel kind of bad about it because not so long ago, I really did get it.

But then again, . . .maybe I never really did after all. Because I have always wanted to stay home--even when I knew it was not an option.  When I got pregnant with our first, I knew that I had to go back to work.  And I accepted that.  And I did my job really well, but in my heart I still desired to be home. . .somewhere down the road.

I grew up with a mom that always worked full time. She still managed to make dinners and we had home made lunches some kids were envious of, but I can't recall her ever being a part of our holiday parties, or helping in the classroom, or waiting in the pick up line for us.  My proudest days were when she would come to the school and give these awesome presentations about the importance of keeping our teeth healthy. That was my mom up there!  But I also recall feeling so carefree and happy in the seventh grade when she gave birth to my little brother.  She took an extended leave and I remember coming home to a house full of baking smells and the dishwasher had already been emptied and there wasn't laundry I had to fold.  I didn't have to pull as much weight because my mom was home. There was just something comforting about knowing she was there.

Thank God, I am here on this road where mom being home is an option.  Being home with these kids, raising them, investing in their hearts and souls is not a responsibility I take lightly.  I think the bad days come as a result of feeling my failures as a mom.  Maybe I was impatient, mean, or unwilling to take the time to really listen. . .it could be any or all three on any given day. And then I question if this place is the right place for me.  Wouldn't the classroom be so much easier?  For a while, maybe.  But that too, would chip away at my energy, my patience, my enthusiasm and I might only have morsels to bring home to my own little ones. Perhaps.

I am feeling so blessed for this opportunity to breathe into my daughters that they can be anything they want to be.  My job here at home is as important as the one that requires my college and master's degrees (if not more so--my own opinion).  Both are hard. Both require a ton of time, dedication, and energy.  Both are possible. . .somewhere down the road.

January 9, 2012

Today I went back to work after a beautiful two week vacation.

Two weeks of luxurious down time blessed with my kids company and no lesson planning or grading papers.

I just about loved every. single. minute!

Who wouldn't?

Right?

I returned to my classroom this morning.

The room that still strikes moments of reflection and pause from time to time.

I am happy to report that fear has been replaced with curiosity.

A keen awareness that change is on my horizon, I'm just not sure what that looks like exactly. Yet.

After acknowledging that we are in fact back to the grind, and realizing my second and third periods are just completely different communities of learners than I am used to. . .

today God placed the phrase, "Go with the flow," completely on my heart.

It isn't a coincidence that He used my word of the year.

I do believe, He was trying to get my attention.  

Mission accomplished!

So as I continue to listen to His calling for my life,

I will go with the flow in my classroom.

Don't get me wrong, this does not mean fly by the seat of my pants, or stop caring--

Quite the opposite is true!

I have many students with learning and emotional disorders who need structure and well thought out lessons to grasp the standards being taught. . .but I have to let go of some of the the things that have come to bother me a bit this year: twenty questions asking the same thing, a dull murmur of voices as I am in the middle of instruction, planning for opportunities to mix things up to stretch and break, assistants and personal aids in the classroom to assist...the list goes on.

Just as I will go where He leads me in the end.

I will go where they lead me for now.

I'll have my heart and ears open to receive what comes next.

I'll continue to enjoy the scenery along the way.

He wouldn't want it any other way, I'm sure.

Go on. Go to God. . .--JF

October 4, 2011

Sometimes the messes on the outside. . .

are so much easier to clean up than the messes on our insides.

Wouldn't you agree?

September 21, 2011

Life is a song - sing it.
Life is a game - play it.
Life is a challenge - meet it.
Life is a dream - realize it.
Life is a sacrifice - offer it.
Life is love - enjoy it.

                                                           - Sai Baba

At work Monday,

something personal happened that rocked me to my core.

It made me remember an Oprah episode about that "feeling" and following your gut.

It reminded me that I need to care more about my own personal safety and space than

whether or not I offend someone else.

I matter.

Today's postcard above in my inbox is my reminder to myself that:

things happen.

But with God, "Even when I walk through the darkest valley I will not be afraid for He is close beside me."

I will go back to that classroom and I will encourage and touch lives because that's what I do...

for now.

I've wondered often over the past couple months if this is still my calling.

Or am I being called to be at home with the baby--enjoying all those things that I was unable to enjoy with the bigger kids?

I only work part time--but it's challenging work; hard work; work that you carry around with you because you care about the future of these kids you are working with.

I don't know--my prayer this school year is that His voice be clear.

I pray that my ears are open to receive whatever it is He is needing to say.

For now, I will jump back in the saddle soon.

It's what we do when we care.

and I do care...about my own and those I work with.

June 3, 2011

Do you ever feel like the whole world in front of you has become a hazy blur?

It's funny, the more I try to cling to the qualities that I value most--

other "stuff" seems to pop up and get in the way.

My word of the year is "simplify."

In some ways, I am making big strides.

I keep purging the cupboards and closets getting rid of things I don't love.

Which in turn has created this urgency in me to figure out what do I love?

And this is really bugging me.

I'm so used to going with the flow and being flexible,

and using coupons and trying to stay within a budget, which means clearance and so forth--that

I'm really having to ask myself if I love what I'm buying to bring into my home.

Sad thing is:  this is a struggle for me.

Finding my personal style and my house decor style drives me a little batty.

I've often said I wish I could hire a personal assistant to create outfits for me or an interior designer to decorate my home.

The truth is: even if I did enjoy these luxuries, 

they would still need for me to get real and figure out what the heck I like. 

So, I've taken to ripping out pages in magazines, circling things that I think are beautiful, or feasible, and I'm keeping a little binder.  I remember how the vision boards were all the rage a while ago--and while I haphazardly created one then, now I'm slowly leafing through the magazines as the kids play in the backyard, bare foot with iced tea in hand.  This time I'm going to enjoy the process. . .

Speaking of finding my personal style, I thought why not have some of my friend's opinions while I was at it.

So, Tuesday night, six of us gathered in my home--I made the yummiest, easiest chocolate chip pie and we participated in our first ever clothes swap.  We all just brought what we had and we looked through it and came away with several new pieces.  We enjoyed it so much we are planning on doing one again in the Fall. 

I loved hearing my friend's input, not worrying about the price of an item and choosing what I liked. 

My little baby girl even got some new toys, clothes, and shoes in the process! 

Best of all, what wasn't taken was donated to a woman in crisis.  

There are centers in your neighborhood who help battered women, or freecycle or even Craigslist.

First attempt to photograph an outfit. Top and jacket were from the swap.

Blurrier this time but no longer headless.

Some more cute shirts I gained.

I tell you, I've learned so much from the blogging world around me, from my personal friends, from strangers--I've been inspired, moved, and changed in the process.
I love that I'm always learning.
I love that six women came together and we enjoyed fellowship and feasting.
I love that we encouraged each other to try things on.
I love that no one left empty-handed.
We will definitely be doing this again!