Light in the Dark

When the craziness of the world overwhelms me I generally cocoon up in our house.  I pay closer attention to the details of what happens in our four walls because lets face it: that's all we have any control over.  Even that control is questionable as the kids are growing up and entertaining their own thoughts and ideas and opinions. But sometimes things happen that bring us all together and I rest in appreciation for the support system we have in place in this time and space.

It has been one heck of a week.  A doozy.  Three separate phone calls regarding three separate incidents in which two of my kids were the victims of meanness and/or inappropriateness.  I'm not sure why it all happened in the same week. . .but it did and there's nothing I can do about it now except continue to pray for protection over my kids and for the hearts of those kids I do not know but who desperately need Jesus. When I think about it, it's as if God was preparing the way by me having been invited to serve on the interview board for the new assistant principal. Having already experienced one of the incidents, it gave me new, clear eyes to see what qualities as a parent I deemed not only important to this new person's position, but absolutely necessary.

Dare I say that although I wish none of these three events happened, I am grateful that in all three quick action was taken to make sure my  kids felt listened to and secure.  I am grateful the situations were handled swiftly and seriously.   No one belittled or played down the instances, they let me and my children know that they took these things seriously and there would be consequences for the misbehavior.

As for my kids, I am proud of them for using their voices.  Lene said she wanted to call me (no minutes left on her phone) at break to see if I thought she should tell on a boy for his actions, but she trusted her gut that what he did to her hurt and wasn't right so she spoke to her counselor.  And Bubba--he is no joke.  He waited up in the office for the principal.  There was no way he was going back to his class without talking to the man in charge.  They both did the right things. . .in spite of being called tattlers by their aggressors.

For the longest (since my first Mom Heart conference where I heard it) I've said, "Right is always right even if no one is doing it.  Wrong is always wrong even if everyone is doing it."  This week, even in the absolute craziness of it, the heartbeat that races when I see the kid's schools on the other end. . .I am reminded that we've done our part with them and "in this world you will have trouble. . ." (John 16:33)
The book of Esther 4:14 says, 14 For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father’s family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?”  My kids are called for such a time as this. . .this crazy world they are living in to be His hands and feet, to shine His light, and to be the kingdom kids they were called to be.  All of these "incidents" are just further examples that instill the importance of their holy work in the school setting.

Here's to the weekend and the relief and joy only family can bring.!

Our view at cross country practice

Sweet sleep.  His mercies are new every morning.

Rough week? Game time with mom will make you feel better.

When it's really rough. . .I make thirty minutes in the backyard away from everyone a priority. We debrief and I feel better, ready to conquer. . .round four.

Terrific Ten

I feel like the double digits scared me as a parent.  Then we met and the pleasure has been all mine.  Really. This year has been one where I'm seeing the fruits of our labors so evident in how Lene acts, what she says, what she does.  She has put on a brave face and sometimes made statements about the growing pains of friendships that are wise beyond her years. . .and yet she still has the fortitude to be nice.  She is respectful. She is growing into who God made her to be and she's fighting against the world in the process.

She isn't ashamed of her love for all things stuffed.  She doesn't understand why some of the other girls think it's sad she doesn't wear a bikini.  She still holds my hand and gives me a kiss in public. Her sense of style is all her own--she pays no attention to what is considered a trend.  Comfy is her only requirement. She clears the table without being asked (mostly) and reaches for her devotional before the tv remote (mostly).  She has spread her wings some but she is still cautious and considerate and really just a good girl.

As Honor Choir performances come to an end, and the last days of elementary school creep in on us, I want to always remember how this girl used her voice, her God-given talent to entertain and inspire.  She even earned a solo in the second to the last show of the year with a verse from "Surfin' USA.".  She wasn't even really nervous about it--she just got up there and sang her heart out and it made my heart happy to hear her beautiful voice.

Friday was their last choir performance.  It happened to be at Disneyland--on a day it was to be open to the public for a full 24 hours.  To say I was not excited is an understatement.  I saw traffic and long lines and the need to make arrangements for the picking up and care of three other littles at home.  I kept trying to convince myself of the fun we would have once there, but truth be told, I was hard to be convinced.

Within the first twenty minutes of our arrival, Lene teared up as the group headed to Indiana Jones.  She couldn't remember what to expect.  She was nervous.  And then Thunder Mountain roller coaster was named, and she lost it.  Tears flowing at the happiest place on earth.  I tried to reassure her she would be fine.  I wanted her to try something at least once. . .blah. . . blah. . . blah.  Still crying.  Then two wonderful teachers spoke calmly and softly and offered to stay behind because she wouldn't have to do anything she didn't want to do.  Um, okay.  Backfire.

We proceeded to Indiana and she did fine--dare I say, even may have enjoyed it. A group of fun, giggling, ten year olds was a pretty fun way to spend the morning.  I loved being a part of it and all was well because no mention of a roller coaster had come up again. . .

The show went off without a hitch.  They were given some really cute shirts to sport around the busy park.  We saw our cousin who was in charge of the sound stage and then. . .we went off to Thunder Mountain.  She was scared.  She was nervous.  She had big, anxious eyes.  She was talking to herself as we entered the car.  "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength," she muttered over and over again while the bar latched.  Her friends in three other carts cheered her on and then the ride began.

The scariest parts were the unknowns.  She doesn't like the dips and she never knew when to expect one.  I don't think there was one but the turns and speed coupled with her wild fear gave way to tears.  They poured out of her eyes even as she yelled, "It's actually okay!"  And eventually her death grip loosened and her arms raised and she screamed out in fun, no longer fear. It was fast and slow all at the same time--this sense of bravery and facing fear.

And I'm happy to report she came out on the other side.  Then we headed to a gift shop to buy her another stuffed animal to cuddle and love.  Because I'm going to encourage and try to keep the little in my girl for as long as I can. But I'm also going to be right there to walk the rocky terrain beside her.  Two are better than one.  Together we can.

This day with my ten year old is one I will treasure forever.  The best part was her decision to eventually leave the group to go off and explore and enjoy on our own.  It truly was a joy.  All the people, the long lines, the late night, were all worth it to be truly present with my daughter.  Best day ever!

December 31, 2012

Am I ready to see what 2013 has in store for me personally?  Absolutely! Am I praying about what direction our life will head as we venture into the new year and await Ernie's release back into the work force?  Absolutely!  Am I worried at all about what is in store?  Nope.  Not this time.  My 2013 word for the year is: fear{less}.

Not as in no fear ever. . .but as in fear less and proceed through whatever it is knowing this is part of His plan for me.  I have spent many years fearing things: roller coasters, the flu, money crisis, job changes, Ernie's jobs, my children's health, my mom's cancer, displeasing others, disappointing others, and failure (to name a few). But since Ernie's accident, I have been gifted a peace beyond all understanding.  Philipians 4:7 "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

I am a planner by nature.  A goal setter. A play it safe kind of gal.  I am a rule follower.  I don't like to call attention to myself, to what I stand for, to who I really am for fear of??? I can't even answer that any more so I know the word that has been whispered into my soul is fear{less}. I have this sense that I am being called to do something.  Anything.  But I have to leave my fear at the front door.  I can not grasp the enormousness of what He can do in my life if I'm not willing to set the fear aside and go.  Who said that once you choose a word you will never go back to it?  Who also said that just because you chose a given word you would conquer or follow it for only a year?

Here I am in this place with His beautiful words written on my heart:
Jeremiah 29:11  For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Deuteronomy 31:6  Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the LORD your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you. 

Psalm 27:1 The LORD is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear? The LORD is the strength of my life; Of whom shall I be afraid?

Isaiah 41:13  For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.  

So on the day before a new year begins. . .one with promises of hope and joy.  One filled with love and new memories.  One abundantly blessed by the days we have to love on each other a little longer, I thank the Lord who for now has gifted me with these treasures: my family, my heart.

 Their chaotic, craziness completes me.

All the time.

Forever and Ever.

Happy New Year!

June 1, 2012

As the school year is winding down. . .(four days to be exact), this little guy is inspiring me with his persistence and dedication to all things school related.  He really has amazed me this year with such patience and attention to detail and loving the learning process.  All of it.  I've seen such growth academically and while that thrills me--what matters most is this guy's heart.  He is such a kind friend to others and he really exhibits self-control and good judgement.  I'm beginning to see, that although the summer excites him, he is realizing that this means the end is near and he is my child who doesn't really like change.

Change is hard on his little heart because he gives everything he has to his teacher, his classmates, and his studies.  So as the end of another school year approaches, I see the beginning signs of sadness settling into his eyes as each day we get closer and closer to the last.  And I want him to know that it is okay to miss what we know and love.  Change does not come easy for his mama either.  But it is inevitable and if God places it before us, it's because he is going to get us through it and we are going to be even better for it.

And while my head goes to Ecclesiastics chapter three, I hear the echo of the Byrds from my dad's stereo. And I smile as I take comfort in the words and hope my sweet son feels the same kind of peace about the changes that will come his way. 

 

I'm reminded of his play last year and our power verse: "you can do ALL things through Christ who gives you strength."  Yes, we can.  Any thing at at all.  The countdown is on!

 

January 9, 2012

Today I went back to work after a beautiful two week vacation.

Two weeks of luxurious down time blessed with my kids company and no lesson planning or grading papers.

I just about loved every. single. minute!

Who wouldn't?

Right?

I returned to my classroom this morning.

The room that still strikes moments of reflection and pause from time to time.

I am happy to report that fear has been replaced with curiosity.

A keen awareness that change is on my horizon, I'm just not sure what that looks like exactly. Yet.

After acknowledging that we are in fact back to the grind, and realizing my second and third periods are just completely different communities of learners than I am used to. . .

today God placed the phrase, "Go with the flow," completely on my heart.

It isn't a coincidence that He used my word of the year.

I do believe, He was trying to get my attention.  

Mission accomplished!

So as I continue to listen to His calling for my life,

I will go with the flow in my classroom.

Don't get me wrong, this does not mean fly by the seat of my pants, or stop caring--

Quite the opposite is true!

I have many students with learning and emotional disorders who need structure and well thought out lessons to grasp the standards being taught. . .but I have to let go of some of the the things that have come to bother me a bit this year: twenty questions asking the same thing, a dull murmur of voices as I am in the middle of instruction, planning for opportunities to mix things up to stretch and break, assistants and personal aids in the classroom to assist...the list goes on.

Just as I will go where He leads me in the end.

I will go where they lead me for now.

I'll have my heart and ears open to receive what comes next.

I'll continue to enjoy the scenery along the way.

He wouldn't want it any other way, I'm sure.

Go on. Go to God. . .--JF

October 10, 2011

God doesn't give us more than we can handle, right?
Maybe in your most fragile state some grandiose lesson will be revealed and you will never be the same?

I'm thinking all of the above are true for me these days.

Today's fear in watching before my very eyes as my 87-year-old papa collapsed and passed out was new.
It was new because my general reaction when I am scared is to pray-

Today was different.
In my moment of panic, in between medic alert buttons and and making my papa comfortable, or trying to at least, I grew irate.
My fear turned to fury.
My fury turned to fierce determination.
"You will not do this to me!"
"Not on my watch, Lord."
"Really God? Why me?"
And the more and more I thought about the events of the afternoon it was almost comedic.
Almost.

Because then the realization set in that in a moment of crisis I did not use my first line of defense--prayer.
When did this  happen? Why did that happen?
This can't be good.

So I did what I could to set me on the right path again.
I emailed and called a couple of friends...my front line.
I asked for prayer...begged might have been a better word.
But I'm confident that what I need the Lord can provide.

Today He saved my papa's life.
Things might have ended very different had he been in the shower which is where he was headed when I showed up.
So I may not have been where I wanted to be today, but I was definitely where He needed me to be.
Thank you, God.

October 3, 2011

"Look back. . .Hope forward."--Denise, Victory Road

These words have been on my heart and mind for a week now.

I heard them during my first meeting with Denise at the hotel's continental breakfast.

Early that morning, sans make up, she in workout clothes, me in comfy ones. . .

we talked and shared stories. 

There may have been a particular kinship because we were both rapidly approaching our

"mid upper thirties."

Proudly, I might add.

Whatever the case may be...

at some point in the conversation she shared,"Look back. Hope forward."

It is a thought that has stuck with me.

While it is okay to look at the past to learn from or recall precious memories, heck--even the not so great ones, we must constantly crave the hope that He has promised us.

My favorite verse comes to mind: Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

A week or so before my teaching life was forever changed. . .

I was listening to XM's The Message on my way to work.  The announcer said:

"Do not tell God how big your mountain is.  Tell your mountain how big your God is."

I thought the idea so profound, I sent out a text to friends and family.

Who knew that only a week later that quote would keep replaying through my mind and help to get me through my days.

That is true today.

Mentally and emotionally each day has become a challenge to get myself ready for work. 

To get myself ready period some days.

Three hours a day has never felt so long or scary to me.

Yet, here I am hoping forward...putting one foot in front of the other to get out the door,

knowing my God is bigger than this mountain and in time its purpose will be revealed to me. 
Is it easier for you to look back or hope forward?

September 25, 2011

I have been looking forward to Blog Sugar for months now.

Months.

I even made arrangements to stay with a friend I've come to know through reading her blog, Sugar Mama. This is SO outside of my comfort zone.

I started this blog January first, 2011 to learn more about my Canon; however, it has become a place that I've come to learn and grow as I read the writings of other women. Phenomenal women.  

Women who have blogs that I can probably only ever imagine because. . .

just because.

After the harrowing events of my life this week--

I didn't think I would make it.

How could I surround myself with a roomful of strangers when I could barely shut the door to use the restroom due to the fear that was crippling me.

The doctor said I should go.  The psychiatrist.

Yes, I went there because I needed strategies to deal with these anxious feelings that creep from the shadows of my mind.

Heck, I still need the strategies.  Probably in full force since I have decided to go.

Then these little guys, who have no idea about what really happened that day--no idea the pure terror and fear I encountered--no idea how every day since then has been a struggle to remember to breathe, to remember to eat. . .

wrote me the sweetest letters.

They have no idea how important it is that I pack my bag and head out the door.

Me being able to do this means I am on the road to recovering.

But still, they don't want me to go.

I'm his angel and his unicorn.

But I am following orders and heading into the unknown with my kids on my heart and His words imprinted there. . .
"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you, and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned, the flames will not set you ablaze.  For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior."--Isiah 43:2
(This sent by a dear friend from work)