Wrapping It Up

With the end of the year, comes another photo book for my shelf.  I've neglected my Canon for far too long and really need to get back in the swing of using it to capture our real moments.  My phone is more compact and handy, but the quality is not the same.

The year ended with a great cooked meal, some visits from Grandma and Grandpa and Uncle, Bianca, and the baby.  The girls and I snuck away to celebrate with my best friend, Auntie Val for a little bit.

Grandma and her youngest girl

Bubba and Monroe

Did some dreaming with E while the meat smoked.

I prefer to be home on New Year's.  This year I had agreed to a desert trip, but a series of unfortunate events changed those plans and I didn't mind one bit.

New Year's Day dawned with gorgeous weather, so we decided to head outside and explore.

There were SO many deer!

It's neat that we are at a point where everyone can walk and hold their own things, and not complain too much.  We finished the hike with some Subway and football.

Later mom came by with some home made sandwiches, so we toasted the New Year together.

The next day we decided to explore a little more and took the Polaris out.  It was cold but everyone had a really good time, and that made me happy.  I might not be the most adventurous one in the group, but I do all right getting out there and having fun. . .eventually.

 There are just some things that I don't do well, and adventure in the outdoors is one of them.  However, that being said, I have a really good feeling about 2016.  With the kids being older, it is easier to get up and go.  I think we've become more balanced and are used to the addition of a fourth kid. I am softening up and easing up on my own idea of perfection and just trying to enjoy the moment, hands free, face to face, and with real live connection to the people I love most.

Part of 2015 was incredibly lonely for me.  I missed the relationship I had with my youngest brother, but God answers prayers.  I have never seen more answered than this year.  It fills my heart with joy (my word for 2015) that such beauty rose from ashes.  Through it all, joy always remained, I just had to look a little deeper.  The best parts of 2015 remain the cherished memories I have with my family...those in my four walls.  These moments were rich, deep, full, chaotic, simple, and oh so sweet.  I do not take this job of being home with them for granted.  I am so excited to see what the future holds for all of us: )  Happy New Year!

Wise Words Wednesday

Choose Joy. Again. And again. And again.

EnJOY

I'm not sure how I haven't gotten to documenting Janessa's first trip to Knott's Berry Farm, but I haven't. The trip took place almost two months ago now!  The day before St. Patrick's Day, a friend asked if we were up for a visit to the amusement park.  Two things about me:  I think Disney passes when the bigs were little absolutely burned me out.  I see no amusement in the park itself.  My first instinct was to say, "thanks but no thanks."  I mean, we really did have bible study that day.

But something made me take pause and I realized these spur of the minute adventures will be few and far between when she starts kinder next year.  So even though I didn't want to go.  I went.  And I'm not sure who had more fun--her or me!

There was just something about seeing the park through her eyes.  Something about watching her explore with her friend by her side.  Something about not having to focus on any other child except her that made this trip an absolute JOY.  And isn't that what I've been seeking this year--JOY!  It truly is anywhere I choose to see it.  And really, it is so easy to find the negative in everything.  So joy is a choice.  The easier one?  I'm not sure really.  The heat, traffic, cost, and crowds could have kept us away from an adventure that was more a lesson for me and a precious memory for her.

We enJOYed the day.  I made the right choice this time.  I love when that happens!

That's All She Wrote

Papa celebrated 91 years young!

2014 is a thing of the past.  Onward and upward as we have already welcomed 2015 in to our humble midst. With the holidays behind us, and another year in the books, I have been thinking about the lessons learned this year as I tried to FOCUS on what was most important--the life right in front of my face.

What a great life it is!  And what an even greater gift I've been given in recognizing it and clinging on to it and opening it up to someone who didn't have the luxuries afforded us.  This home, which was once referred to as "the little old lady who lived in a shoe. . ." as a means to persuade me that we have in fact outgrown the place. . .opened itself to our 13-year-old "brother."  He doesn't complain about the size of this space. Because it has become his home.  And home truly is where your heart is.  Pay no mind to how big or how small, if you shift your perspective you are able to clearly see:  Small homes grow tight families. And what we have is clearly enough.

Take for example, another luxury afforded me:  staying home with my children.  To some, there is little benefit of being home all day when kids may be in school.  There is money to be earned, trips to take, and futures to plan for.  But the thing is:  I want to be home.  I desire to make my husband, kids and home a priority: an inspiring, inviting, cozy place.   And together, E and I have decided that this life we are leading is enough. Today is a gift we are not taking for granted.  We may sacrifice additional income, but the benefits of me being home far outnumber the down side. . .FOR US.  But every family is different. I know this.  And I respect this.

2014 was my year to walk on water--to not take my eyes upon the Lord and know what?  God has not disappointed.  He has provided countless opportunities for me to do what I love and use the gifts He has blessed me with.  I think to myself, WHY DID IT TAKE ME SO LONG TO PRACTICE WHAT I PREACHED?  His plans for me are always so much greater than my own.  Faith is complete confidence or trust in God...I knew what it meant but still wanted to play it safe and live by my own standard of secure. What an awakening it has been to KNOW Him in this way.  It truly is an amazing gift!  One I do not take for granted, nor is it one I will be silenced about.  People can refer to me as "too into the bible."  In fact, I will take that as a compliment.  I am far from perfect, but I know I serve a perfect God who doesn't make mistakes and who wants us to follow Him and his ways.

I have entered into this new year with full JOY.  

"These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full."--John 15:11

I want to hold on to the joy.  I want to embrace what each glorious moment has to offer, even in the chaotic confusion of hectic daily life, homeschool lessons gone awry, and days I'm just plain, old worn out from the raising of four littles under foot.  I want to count it all as JOY.  I want to choose joy, even in the hard times, even during decisions that have to be made but especially in all the moments that are spent together as a family or in community. JOY is contagious.  I'd like to spread it around too.  I tell my kids often, who you are at home, is who you really are.  And I want to be filled with joy so it spills over into their lives, and douses all our interactions.  This joyful countenance to be able to live the life I never even allowed myself to dream of needs to be outwardly displayed daily; moment by moment. . .in smiles, and gestures, actions, and affirming words.  I want HIS JOY in me and I want it to be full.  And I have the power to make that happen if I live with eyes wide open and full of gratitude, but mostly if I CHOOSE joy.  This year I am choosing JOY.  Join me?

And it is Good

The Christmas season feels so much more intentional this year.  As I near forty, the pause in the rush and hustle of the holiday season feels liberating.  We've said no to things that we simply don't want to do.  We've pared down our traditions to include those that minister or serve others, more so than for the pure joy we bring to ourselves.  This has included Christmas caroling with our church.  Since finding our Moms group there, I love being a part of this tradition with my kids.  I love that they are not afraid of the old.  I love that best way to spread Christmas cheer is to sing loudly for all to hear!  I love my mom's energy she brings when she shows up.  We are so different in our outgoing personalities, but the heart is the same.

 Saturday, the kids participated in the annual Penguin Waddle at the Fairplex.  It's a fun race to do.  It's free. And Jonathan came in first place for his division.  Totally impressive and a memory he won't soon forget.

Their biggest cheerleader

6:54 mile

Spending the morning, encouraging the kids to use their God-given gift was fun. It was neat to see Jonathan so pumped up from the win.  I don't think he realizes his God-given talent, so we will just gently continue to encourage him and pray he eventually does.  I was very proud of Anjalene too.  My girl belongs on the stage, not the track; however, she has gotten her mile down to about ten minutes which is a huge improvement for her.  She finished this race well and really gave it her all. Anthony sat this one out but he cheered with me and Janessa.

Later we visited a local church for a walk through Bethlehem.  It was such a neat experience, so hands on, so focused on Christ's birth and the real meaning of Christmas.  We all loved the experience and  the kids said they hope we make it a tradition like the living nativity they look forward to.  That made my mama heart so happy.

Learning to weave

She used her schilling to buy Nina a basket

Keeping the focus on Christ has been difficult in years past as we tried to keep up with all that was going on around us.  Wanting the best experiences for our kids, to create meaningful and lasting memories was in the forefront of our intentions; however, I am coming to realize less is truly MORE.  Our kids do not want for anything that they really need.  And in the season leading up to Christmas, there was mindless bickering and squabbling and I was sincerely sick of it.

Then it hit me.  I am part of the problem.  Every time we rushed from this activity to the next, bought what they wanted from their list, made it more about them than the real meaning of Christmas. . .why was I expecting a different result?  It was a no brainer why our devotion around the advent wreath wasn't going the way I envisioned--we had lost our focus.  And I needed to lead us back to it.  So subtly, and ever so gently, with kindness and love, I'm trying to get us back to perhaps a place we've never really even been...the real meaning of Christmas.  We went to a penance service at church.  Just me and the bigs and we needed it.  We needed the car ride there, the priest's words, the time together in the pew.  We needed it to reconnect, to remember, to renew our hearts and minds to be who God intends us to be.  And it is good.

This season may only come once a year,  but it's for that very reason that we can't afford to miss it!  We need to fight for the joy.  We need to bring it back to what it is really all about. . .His birth.  We need to surround our days with plenty of empty white space to feel His presence and to spread His joy.  We do not need to go along with the crowd, when the crowd has it all wrong.  Jesus was born in a stable. Surrounded by his mother and father and a bunch of barnyard animals.  We do not need to be a part of the crowd to celebrate Christmas.  The noise, clutter, and frenzy might just blur your vision so you are missing out on the clear view of God's love for us that he sent us His only son.  Find your place.  Find your peace. Start today.

The Struggle is Real. . .Part Two

It's the strangest thing the way the Lord keeps giving me these little bites of "real" work in the "real" world.
Conversations across desks with inquisitive principals take place.
Email from a cousin about counseling jobs in a district that hasn't hired counselors in as long as I've had my credential, it seems.
Text messages from an acquaintance asking if I'm interested in a forty percent assignment.
A former teacher of the kids saying they may have to add a class, would I be interested?

And my answer has been the same to all these people that really don't know my life right now:  I can't.  Not this year.  It's not the right time. . .but then I wonder.  I mean really wonder: are these signs?  Is God speaking to me and I'm just not getting the message?  Are these opportunities I potentially might be missing out on? Or is this some kind of test to see if my faith will waver.  If I will take my eyes off the Lord and sink in the ocean water?  I have no idea.

I'm telling myself that God is speaking to me through these bits and pieces and showing me that there will be work for me in the outside world when the time is right.  Now is truly not that time.  I need to embrace the year with Nessa and quiet the outside world's expectations of what constitutes a valuable life's calling.  The one I'm choosing has no pay check but it is worthy nonetheless.  It's a gift.

  

He Brings Me Pure JOY

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Sometimes I press pause.
I still my body, my thoughts, my breath and just be.
I breathe in deep--peace. I exhale gusts of gratitude.

These are the times that there is nothing too pressing at hand.  No obligations too many. Life is manageable; not consuming.  Love is abundant and blessings counted by the bunches.  I love when I allow myself to be in this state.  I wonder why I don't savor it longer, entertain it for months, not just days. Joy consumes me in all its loveliness.  And I smile from just the thought.

The weekend mornings of coffee in the yard with my husband, still dreaming and planning the little things we plan to accomplish in 2014 don't happen all the time.  But when they do?  Pure JOY!

The Saturday game, sitting side by side cheering for our oldest daughter saying silent prayers as she comes up to serve, with a quick squeeze to my leg so I know he prayed the same prayer I did?  Pure JOY!

Sitting together at church. Listening. Praying.  Praising.  Pure JOY!

Conversations on our bed into the night reminiscing about trips we've taken, fun times we've had,  funny moments we remember. Laughing, raising our voices to compete for the funniest memory of all.  Pure JOY!

Gathering around tables with friends.  Eating. Talking.  Getting to know each other better.  Together.  Pure JOY!

Blessing him as he heads off to work before the sun rises.  Coffee cup in hand, kiss waiting on his lips.  To be the one to see him off and know he does this day in and day out for me.  For us.  Pure JOY!

To be loved like this; To be loved by him...  I know it could have only been orchestrated by God.  With this gift given to me by my heavenly Father, I have to fight to carve out the time to enJOY it all.  Together this marriage we are crafting is from what the rest of the family flows.  If we keep our JOYful hearts in sync and make time to laugh, pray, sing, dream, dance, and just be. . .together; our lives will bless the lives of all those we touch.  But best of all?  Our kids see what a healthy, loving marriage looks like and hopefully they will travel similar paths to marry and stay in love with their best friend.  That's a long time down the road, but. . .we've already started praying for their spouses...because prayer changes things. And we want them to have what we have. Pure JOY!   Prayer warriors unite!

"Consider it all JOY. . ."--James 1:2

Ten Days Until Christmas Eve

How in the world is it already December 14th? I don't get how the time flies so fast! We've been moving at warp speed over here with another birthday celebration, a bad back on my end, and super long hours at work for E. Yet through it all, I feel more peace about the holiday season than I have in years! I'm not sure what about it has changed, but the simplicity of the season that I've allowed myself to undertake is right on the brim of perfection. Last week I celebrated with the moms from my church. We talked about the JOY this season brings and it has helped to keep my mind focused on the fact that JOY is a choice. I choose JOY even on the hard days.
Last week I made it to a couple days of an Advent retreat that the church offered, and I think because I kept the mindset I would go if I could. . .it took the stress out of making it happen. I'm finding this approach opens me up to enJOYing the experience at hand much more than when I force things to work out just so.

 Somewhere in all that I woke up to the worst back pain I've had in a long time. It was so bad I opened the house for my book club friends and then took myself to the doctors, crying the entire way. I hadn't been in that much physical pain in a long time. I love that the doctor was so thorough ordering blood work, xrays, and ultrasounds due to my past kidney issues. And I loved that I had to just pause and work the appointments out for the good of my health. Everything else: shopping, wrapping, festivities. . .was second to figuring out what ailed me. God slowed me down to really savor the smallest things this season. Things like: tamale making, gingerbread cookie making, awards assemblies, lego building sessions, sewing with the help of E for my girl, birthday dinners, Christmas Celebrations with friends, and early morning masses where I always seem to run into someone I know. So much goodness packed right into my regular daily routine. . .bad back or not. There is just too much beauty NOT to notice.

 And then as is usual with the holidays. . .thoughts drift to loved ones lost, friends fighting for life, and the harmony of these two realizations that bring me to choose JOY. . .in ALL circumstances.

Because really, is there any other way to live?

Rancho Days

Last week the fourth graders participated in their second Hands on History field trip, Rancho Days.  I had signed up at the beginning of the year and I feigned excitement as my Lene Bean was bursting at the seams that I got to be a part of it.  I had so much to do: grades were due, packing for Pismo, planning a retreat for my Faith Formation kids, book club the next day. . .my to do list was choking out the excitement that may have presented itself had I let it.

That morning I prayed for a changed heart.  I wanted to feel excited.  I wanted to do this when I signed up.  Why was I letting the drudgery life get in the way of joy?  Thankfully, God changed my heart in the form of spilling my coffee all over my little quiet time space and I remembered it was a choice: it was up to me to make the best of this day.  I could choose to soak in the joy and count it as a blessing or I could choose to remain in my current mindset and call it a burden.  Blessing won.

The day was filled with history and I got to see these kids come alive with hands on practice of the skills that made the ranch work.  They prepared their lunch from grounding the chili, to mashing the beans, to cutting the meat, slicing the oranges, making banuelos and making the tortillas.  They learned a dance and created beautiful flowers out of tissue paper.  They worked in the mud (what a mess, super blessed that wasn't where I was stationed) to make bricks, made necklaces, lassoed horses, and weaved on a loom.  They heard the history of the adobe they walked through--how the Chumash once lived there and how they worked the land and provided for their families.

It was seriously one of the best field trips I had ever been on.  It took a ton of parent helpers to make the history come alive, but wow! It definitely was a blessing to behold. . .an opportunity to look at learning through my child's eyes and see their fascination with the past.  It made me proud to be a part of a district that desires these learning opportunities for their students.  It made me wistful and a little sad that the district I work in has no such thing.  It was a very good day filled with learning and activity and downright fun!  I can not wait for the Gold Rush in May!!!!

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. -James 1:2-4

A New Normal

On a day that I thought would bring normal back. . .I am realizing a new normal is what I must mentally prepare myself for.  E showed up for work this morning only to be laid off.  They laid off thirty guys on Monday and his return was met with the same fate.  Ironically enough, this company is the same one he was laid off for almost three months a couple years ago.  The good news is now that he is a journeyman he can decline jobs that are too far away and just keep signing the books until something closer opens up.  The apprenticeship program no longer has to dictate where he goes and for how long.  As my friend shared their quote for the year, "Always see the good. . ." I may need to borrow this one for our household!

In choosing to see the good, and be fear{less} I'm not thinking too far ahead or worrying.  It is what it is, and for us right now that means more time with my man.  Just this summer, weren't we feeling like our time with him was fleeting?  Long hours and long drives had set us up for missing his physical presence and to actually be. . .dare I say, used to it?  I don't want any type of normal to be doing life without him.  Wasn't I reminded of how fragile life can be when his accident happened; what's some more time to spend with the man that I love? A blessing.

So today, I kick those old voices to the curb.  I choose joy.  I choose to count this moment as an opportunity, a gift. And I better go, because we have a walk to take.

December 31, 2012

Am I ready to see what 2013 has in store for me personally?  Absolutely! Am I praying about what direction our life will head as we venture into the new year and await Ernie's release back into the work force?  Absolutely!  Am I worried at all about what is in store?  Nope.  Not this time.  My 2013 word for the year is: fear{less}.

Not as in no fear ever. . .but as in fear less and proceed through whatever it is knowing this is part of His plan for me.  I have spent many years fearing things: roller coasters, the flu, money crisis, job changes, Ernie's jobs, my children's health, my mom's cancer, displeasing others, disappointing others, and failure (to name a few). But since Ernie's accident, I have been gifted a peace beyond all understanding.  Philipians 4:7 "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

I am a planner by nature.  A goal setter. A play it safe kind of gal.  I am a rule follower.  I don't like to call attention to myself, to what I stand for, to who I really am for fear of??? I can't even answer that any more so I know the word that has been whispered into my soul is fear{less}. I have this sense that I am being called to do something.  Anything.  But I have to leave my fear at the front door.  I can not grasp the enormousness of what He can do in my life if I'm not willing to set the fear aside and go.  Who said that once you choose a word you will never go back to it?  Who also said that just because you chose a given word you would conquer or follow it for only a year?

Here I am in this place with His beautiful words written on my heart:
Jeremiah 29:11  For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Deuteronomy 31:6  Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the LORD your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you. 

Psalm 27:1 The LORD is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear? The LORD is the strength of my life; Of whom shall I be afraid?

Isaiah 41:13  For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.  

So on the day before a new year begins. . .one with promises of hope and joy.  One filled with love and new memories.  One abundantly blessed by the days we have to love on each other a little longer, I thank the Lord who for now has gifted me with these treasures: my family, my heart.

 Their chaotic, craziness completes me.

All the time.

Forever and Ever.

Happy New Year!

March 30, 2012

February 2, 2012

I think I jinxed myself.  Tuesday while at the doctors for the baby's two year check up, I mentioned how great my son's health has been this season.  I told her I'm not sure if it's the healthier diet with organic products, the flu shot, the vitamins, or the great teacher he has who disinfects his desk and reminds him to wash his hands all the time--or all three things combined. . .she knocked on wood.

Yesterday at almost noon I received the phone call he was in the office. Fever. Sick.  Poor, little guy.  He came home and slept the remainder of the day away.I called his doctor to see how long I should put off his blood work that is supposed to be done tomorrow.  They were doing a full panel of tests to pinpoint his autoimmune problem...and she suggested I take him to Urgent Care just to be safe.  Since his diagnosis, I have changed pediatricians because I want that doctor who is proactive and overly cautious, so there was no reason to complain or grumble about her suggestion now.

The wait at Urgent Care was quick, considering.  His doctor was thorough and wanted to do a blood tests, which Bubba promptly cried about.  Poor kid just hates to be stuck with needles.  Nearly breaks my heart every time.  The doctor feels like it's neutropenic fever. . .I kind of thought it was just the flu, but now we will follow up with our pediatrician once the blood work comes back and go from there. 

Here we are nearly six months since that day at City of Hope, how quickly I forgot that fear.  How fortunate we have been that his illness has been at bay--and I proudly say, "To God be the the glory."  But there it sits, on the backburner and it can rear its ugly head at any time.

I feel like this has been a week I've looked forward to for so long--because the Mom Heart Conference with Sally Clarkson is tomorrow. However, it seems that the devil is trying to steal my joy and I can not let him win!  Jonathan is sick and not going back to school until Monday, Ernie's wisdom teeth are really bothering him so he is having them removed.-tomorrow. Some private Company is coming in for twenty minute observations at work since we are a program improvement district--tomorrow. Ugh!! And have I mentioned all the junk the refinance consists of!!  If it's not one thing, it's something else. . .

So I will try to center myself and get back to my heart of gratitude without worrying about all the other "stuff" so I can soak in all this upcoming weekend has to offer.  In the meantime, this little one makes that quite easy to do. Ignore the lighting, she was moving fast. . .

Sometimes "playing" a grown up is so much more glamorous than it really is, right?

Psalm 118:24 - "This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."