Dreams Delayed and Revised

Last night, E and I tried to have a little date night in the backyard under the twinkle lights with some take out Thai food.  It had been a day of doing all things I do together, as he hadn't gone to work.  I teased him that he should have checked the calendar for a day I needed him more, but kidding aside it was nice to just be together.  The three of us: Janessa, he, and I.  Which is kind of how our date turned out too, but that's okay. The intention was there.

In between Janessa's antics and eating from our plates (even though she had already eaten) we talked about all kinds of things pertaining to our life.  We talked about a bathroom remodel, jacuzzi tub, and homeschooling my sidekick.  At some point in the conversation, entangled in little arms, wet kisses, and proclamations of love, I couldn't help but exclaim, "And to think I almost didn't have this opportunity. I wouldn't want it any other way."

Three kids into the marriage, a dream was born into my heart.  I had a deep desire to be with my kids.  I loved what I did with my high schoolers, but I wanted to be the first face my kids saw after school.  For one full year, I talked to anyone who would listen: principal, vice principal, Human Resources. . .EVERYONE! And my days were filled with some false promises until the day before the last day of school, when the reality was revealed: there were only full time positions at the high school.  That night I cried with the realization that as much as I was trying to tune into God's calling on my life. . .maybe this high school teaching thing was it.  I mean: obviously!  He wasn't opening any doors. . .and so I surrendered and tried to do so with a somewhat happy heart.

Low and behold, an opportunity presented itself to move to the junior high and work a three hour day teaching a subject I loved: English.  And I went.  I praised God for this gift and I made it home every single day to pick up my daughter from kindergarten.  I was the first face she saw.  My dream had come true! And for a time, two years to be exact, that dream was enough.  But then.  Until I had Janessa and my world shifted again and a new dream grew inside my heart. . .which led to a one day a week work schedule for the next two years.  But last night's uttering, "And to think I almost didn't have this opportunity. . ." awakened a fierce gratefulness inside me.  I am here. I am living my dream.  I am ministering to the hearts of my children and it is such an incredibly blessed opportunity I have been gifted.

Thankful, the Lord had my plans written all along.  Janessa  was an afterthought for us, but God knew.  He knew the shift she would bring to our lives.  He knew the lives she would change.  He knew she would be the one who would bring me closer to Him as I drew to Him for direction, wisdom, patience. . .pretty much for everything as I said good-bye to a profession that had always defined me prior, and honed in on my home and family for the long haul.  To think, I didn't have these daily opportunities for the first three kids, but I'm grateful that the dream wasn't born yet and  He answered the dream I had then: to work part time.  God is so good.  It took a few years but we are here. We have arrived and I'm living my dream!

The Struggle is Real. . .Part Two

It's the strangest thing the way the Lord keeps giving me these little bites of "real" work in the "real" world.
Conversations across desks with inquisitive principals take place.
Email from a cousin about counseling jobs in a district that hasn't hired counselors in as long as I've had my credential, it seems.
Text messages from an acquaintance asking if I'm interested in a forty percent assignment.
A former teacher of the kids saying they may have to add a class, would I be interested?

And my answer has been the same to all these people that really don't know my life right now:  I can't.  Not this year.  It's not the right time. . .but then I wonder.  I mean really wonder: are these signs?  Is God speaking to me and I'm just not getting the message?  Are these opportunities I potentially might be missing out on? Or is this some kind of test to see if my faith will waver.  If I will take my eyes off the Lord and sink in the ocean water?  I have no idea.

I'm telling myself that God is speaking to me through these bits and pieces and showing me that there will be work for me in the outside world when the time is right.  Now is truly not that time.  I need to embrace the year with Nessa and quiet the outside world's expectations of what constitutes a valuable life's calling.  The one I'm choosing has no pay check but it is worthy nonetheless.  It's a gift.

  

From my Journal

Dear Lord,

Holy Week. So much suffering done by you, for me. . .
Yet I reflect on the absolute joy I have been filled with already these two days.  That contradiction boggles my mind.

I am at peace with my decision for next year.  I've been honest with the big whigs who run things.  And I thank you.  Thank you for being enough.  Thank you for making me enough.  Thank you for the gift of knowing home is where I belong.  My sphere of influence here is great and my kids will know how you always work in their lives and how you are all they need.

So much of my adult life has been spent playing it safe.  Not taking risks, not rocking the boat, doing things others expect me to do and doing them well, caring too much what others think. . .and not relying on you for every little thing.

The past six years have prepared me for this moment.  Leaning into you did not come naturally to me; I learned to.  Over the course of these years, you opened my eyes to the beauty that was right in front of me. Thank you.  I could have missed all this:

• The way she moves her head and sings aloud from the back seat as we run errands.
• A weekly lunch date with my oldest little.  Hand in mine as we cross the street.
• The way he has to eat before getting dressed in the morning.  And how he warms himself by the fireplace.
• Noticing his tastes have changed from pbj sandwiches to turkey this month.
• Park dates after preschool.
• Friends coming over to do homework or a full car load of girls to honor choir.
• Picnics of pretend food on the library floor.
• Barbies and Little Pets and make believe galore.

I never thought this was the life for me.  Good thing you knew it all along.  Thank you doesn't seem enough.

Amen