The Dream

I remember this one time I had a dream that came back to me in the middle of math class my Senior year. As I looked at some crazy trigonometry notes, there in the middle of a bunch of numbers I had written:  I saw Nana in a white room and she talked to me.  I was weirded out. I had to leave the room, not knowing what it meant but knowing it had to mean something.  As I walked around my big, open, high school campus, it came back to me in bits and pieces and I needed to get to my papa's to let him know, his wife who had died almost a year ago. . .was fine.  She visited me just so she could give me this message for him.

Even now, this dream is so meaningful on so many levels.  I don't remember dreams.  I'm not sure if I truly don't have them or if I just wake up and do not remember a thing.  But I'll always remember that one.  It's like my Nana chose me on that day to be a messenger to my Papa, who was still visiting the cemetery daily for hours on end.  In fact, when I did find him later that afternoon,  it was in front of her grave, in his parked car, out in the rain.  And he had tears in his eyes as I told him the parts of the dream that I could remember.  I recently told this dream to the kids.  For never having met their Nana, anytime they see a blue bird fly across the sky, they call out to me.  They don't want me to miss the opportunity to catch a glimpse. . .of Nana (a bird lover).

There's certain things I remember about my Nana as a little girl.  I often wonder what quirky things my own kids will remember about their grandma when they are older.  For example, my Nana always prayed before we drove somewhere.  She usually had a damp washcloth with her, and she spent hours in a dark bedroom or perfectly applying her make up in her bathroom. I remember vividly us around a kitchen table, and having to stay out of her perfect, formal living room with the plastic covered furniture.  I remember singing, lots of singing.

I remember a station wagon, and my song about the pink jacket.  I remember her chicken mole and the tight pigtails she could make.  I remember these seemingly meaningless things that mean something now because I actually remember.  Her only brother often would remark "Ah, Angela," when I would say hello or good-bye and turn my cheek up to accept a kiss without giving one in return. . .and there was always a sense delight in me with the realization that I was some how like her, even in such a simple way.

Angela, part of our daughter's namesake. . .memories that seem a lifetime ago, but gratitude that they're my memories for the taking and sharing in this sacred place. It is here I recount to my children so that my legacy might one day live on. . .maybe it will be the gift of my words, sharing our family history that they might always remember who they come from and who we strive to be.
"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps" (Prov. 16:9). 

That's All She Wrote

Papa celebrated 91 years young!

2014 is a thing of the past.  Onward and upward as we have already welcomed 2015 in to our humble midst. With the holidays behind us, and another year in the books, I have been thinking about the lessons learned this year as I tried to FOCUS on what was most important--the life right in front of my face.

What a great life it is!  And what an even greater gift I've been given in recognizing it and clinging on to it and opening it up to someone who didn't have the luxuries afforded us.  This home, which was once referred to as "the little old lady who lived in a shoe. . ." as a means to persuade me that we have in fact outgrown the place. . .opened itself to our 13-year-old "brother."  He doesn't complain about the size of this space. Because it has become his home.  And home truly is where your heart is.  Pay no mind to how big or how small, if you shift your perspective you are able to clearly see:  Small homes grow tight families. And what we have is clearly enough.

Take for example, another luxury afforded me:  staying home with my children.  To some, there is little benefit of being home all day when kids may be in school.  There is money to be earned, trips to take, and futures to plan for.  But the thing is:  I want to be home.  I desire to make my husband, kids and home a priority: an inspiring, inviting, cozy place.   And together, E and I have decided that this life we are leading is enough. Today is a gift we are not taking for granted.  We may sacrifice additional income, but the benefits of me being home far outnumber the down side. . .FOR US.  But every family is different. I know this.  And I respect this.

2014 was my year to walk on water--to not take my eyes upon the Lord and know what?  God has not disappointed.  He has provided countless opportunities for me to do what I love and use the gifts He has blessed me with.  I think to myself, WHY DID IT TAKE ME SO LONG TO PRACTICE WHAT I PREACHED?  His plans for me are always so much greater than my own.  Faith is complete confidence or trust in God...I knew what it meant but still wanted to play it safe and live by my own standard of secure. What an awakening it has been to KNOW Him in this way.  It truly is an amazing gift!  One I do not take for granted, nor is it one I will be silenced about.  People can refer to me as "too into the bible."  In fact, I will take that as a compliment.  I am far from perfect, but I know I serve a perfect God who doesn't make mistakes and who wants us to follow Him and his ways.

I have entered into this new year with full JOY.  

"These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full."--John 15:11

I want to hold on to the joy.  I want to embrace what each glorious moment has to offer, even in the chaotic confusion of hectic daily life, homeschool lessons gone awry, and days I'm just plain, old worn out from the raising of four littles under foot.  I want to count it all as JOY.  I want to choose joy, even in the hard times, even during decisions that have to be made but especially in all the moments that are spent together as a family or in community. JOY is contagious.  I'd like to spread it around too.  I tell my kids often, who you are at home, is who you really are.  And I want to be filled with joy so it spills over into their lives, and douses all our interactions.  This joyful countenance to be able to live the life I never even allowed myself to dream of needs to be outwardly displayed daily; moment by moment. . .in smiles, and gestures, actions, and affirming words.  I want HIS JOY in me and I want it to be full.  And I have the power to make that happen if I live with eyes wide open and full of gratitude, but mostly if I CHOOSE joy.  This year I am choosing JOY.  Join me?

The Magic Castle

 It finally happened, Jonathan's wish came true!  We were guests at The Magic Castle in Hollywood and what an extraordinary time the kids had. . .especially Bubba.  It was funny being there as an adult because I remember everything on such a grander level.  As an adult, I felt the rush of dining to get good seats at the show.  And the show was only half hour.  Half hour!!!  All the hype and then a let down really because it was done before it even seemed to have gotten started!  But the ambiance of the environment was thrilling to the kids and the best treat for me was having all four of the kiddos together.   That doesn't happen all too often any more, so I was grateful.

The Magic Castle: Experienced together.  Not soon forgotten.  

Dream Chasers

This week we were visited by someone who has grown to be like family, but who is off and running to chase her dream of becoming a big time model on the other side of the world.  I'm not sure what equates making it big for her. . .I'm not sure she knows.  But I do know that there is a dream alive in her heart and she is chasing it wildly and with great abandon.  Some people are better dream chasers than others. Some people are willing to give up something or someone to chase the dream.  And I've come to the conclusion that it's no one's call except for the chaser.  So instead of questioning with judgement, I leaned in to inquire with compassion.  I think that made all the difference.

When you forgive, you in no way change the past - but you sure do change the future.

Dreams are meant to be chased as long as they are alive and well-- living in your heart.  All of our dreams can look different from each others,  but they exist.  I have to respect the dreams of others.  I can't be mad or sad that the dream they have for themselves is different from the dream I have for them.  What does this fury feed?  Discontentment and anger that is displaced.  It's not about me. It's not even about how their dream effects me and my life.  It's all about a healthy mutual respect to let people dream big and chase that dream.

This week my kids were so incredibly happy.  We were too.  Our dream chaser was in town and it felt good to be together and do life.

Dreams Delayed and Revised

Last night, E and I tried to have a little date night in the backyard under the twinkle lights with some take out Thai food.  It had been a day of doing all things I do together, as he hadn't gone to work.  I teased him that he should have checked the calendar for a day I needed him more, but kidding aside it was nice to just be together.  The three of us: Janessa, he, and I.  Which is kind of how our date turned out too, but that's okay. The intention was there.

In between Janessa's antics and eating from our plates (even though she had already eaten) we talked about all kinds of things pertaining to our life.  We talked about a bathroom remodel, jacuzzi tub, and homeschooling my sidekick.  At some point in the conversation, entangled in little arms, wet kisses, and proclamations of love, I couldn't help but exclaim, "And to think I almost didn't have this opportunity. I wouldn't want it any other way."

Three kids into the marriage, a dream was born into my heart.  I had a deep desire to be with my kids.  I loved what I did with my high schoolers, but I wanted to be the first face my kids saw after school.  For one full year, I talked to anyone who would listen: principal, vice principal, Human Resources. . .EVERYONE! And my days were filled with some false promises until the day before the last day of school, when the reality was revealed: there were only full time positions at the high school.  That night I cried with the realization that as much as I was trying to tune into God's calling on my life. . .maybe this high school teaching thing was it.  I mean: obviously!  He wasn't opening any doors. . .and so I surrendered and tried to do so with a somewhat happy heart.

Low and behold, an opportunity presented itself to move to the junior high and work a three hour day teaching a subject I loved: English.  And I went.  I praised God for this gift and I made it home every single day to pick up my daughter from kindergarten.  I was the first face she saw.  My dream had come true! And for a time, two years to be exact, that dream was enough.  But then.  Until I had Janessa and my world shifted again and a new dream grew inside my heart. . .which led to a one day a week work schedule for the next two years.  But last night's uttering, "And to think I almost didn't have this opportunity. . ." awakened a fierce gratefulness inside me.  I am here. I am living my dream.  I am ministering to the hearts of my children and it is such an incredibly blessed opportunity I have been gifted.

Thankful, the Lord had my plans written all along.  Janessa  was an afterthought for us, but God knew.  He knew the shift she would bring to our lives.  He knew the lives she would change.  He knew she would be the one who would bring me closer to Him as I drew to Him for direction, wisdom, patience. . .pretty much for everything as I said good-bye to a profession that had always defined me prior, and honed in on my home and family for the long haul.  To think, I didn't have these daily opportunities for the first three kids, but I'm grateful that the dream wasn't born yet and  He answered the dream I had then: to work part time.  God is so good.  It took a few years but we are here. We have arrived and I'm living my dream!

On Days of Dreams

I had been tossing the idea around in my head to write daily for the month of October.  There were many reasons: it's my birthday month, I love October, and there's a series going on at a blog I visit from time to time.  The goal is to write daily.  Since this is the encouragement I've been giving my writing students, I thought maybe I would commit to doing the same. But me and commitment kind of broke up this year.  Back when I resigned, I made a decision in my head to step back from all my commitments and choose only a couple to focus on.  In the extra activities added to my plate, I was losing a firm grasp on the ones that mattered most: my family.  At the end of the day I was so depleted, I was rushing through bedtime rituals to the sanctuary that is my bedroom.

So I did the thing that had to be done.  Broke up with weekly book club at my house, PTA extra commitments, and all things that were weighing me down.  Even with less, add another kids to the mix and there is definitely more.  So, there comes the dilemma with a daily writing commitment.  I want to say I will do it, but I want the freedom to not do it if life gets in the way.  Me and my goals are kind of wacky like that. I have a difficult time not doing something I say I'm going to do.  End of story.

I'll never forget the first principal who I worked for as a teacher.  We had a little discussion one day before I went off to a job interview at the local academy.  I had only been teaching, maybe two years but my eye was on the counselor job already.  If I didn't rush my plan into action, I felt like I was letting myself down.  She told me something along the lines that, "there are a lot of different paths to get to your goal."  It was just the combination of words that gave myself permission to press pause and enjoy my teaching life just as it was. I've never regretted that decision.  I do believe that was God's plan for my life, to bump me around at all three levels and gain experience while always allowing me the luxury to spend more time at home with the ones who mattered most to me.

Dreams.  They change.  They are different for everybody.  They belong to you.


 "Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today."

James Dean

On Dreams Deferred. . .

Sometimes there is so much more to life than simply writing about it. Yet I pause and really do believe in the power of the written word.  An old Chinese proverb comes to mind, "Hear and I forget.  See and I remember. Do and I understand."  When I write it out. . .it might sink in.  It might embed itself deep in the the history of my memory and sometimes I may come to realize things about myself, others, or the world.

Once, a very long time ago, I had a dream.  My dream was to be a published author.  Then my dream was to go into communications in college.  Finally, I played it safe and went into teaching.  Teaching blended the best of two worlds: content I enjoyed with kids who I loved.  But my dream vanished to the backburner of my mind.  It only resurfaced recently with my students in writing class, as a little girl shared her ambition to write a book.  I began to cheer her on and then realized I could even share my first book with her, written at about eight years old.  And as we journal back and forth, it's not the dream that has ignited something in me, but the idea of possibility that has exploded into my mind.

Stepping away from the safety of the classroom has broadened my world in every way.  It feels ripe with opportunity.  Ripe with possibility.  Ripe and ready for the picking.  What an interesting, unfamiliar concept! Playing it safe brought about stability and peace; however, this broad world view feels lo large, so grand and so full of promise!  What a feeling to hold on to, to seek, to be open to both the old and new dreams He puts upon my heart.  Now this is what I call living!

For the Love of. . .

 For the love of all things normal. . .life has been anything but.

I see glimpses of it at the dawn of my day and as I fall into slumber.  But the edges are all blurred and the picture it seems is out of focus.  The joke is on me: my word of the year was focus, remember? God SO has a sense of humor!

And how, in all the craziness that consumes us currently, is it that I would have a brief moment of clarity where I took immediate action to end this thing that I spent seventeen years in the making?

How, at a time when life seems anything but stable did I get brave enough to simply walk away? 

I'm not sure how to answer that yet.

But I did it anyways.  I took a big leap of faith and gave myself permission to admit that the biggest legacy I leave behind is the impact I have on the life of my children.  I admitted that my vision for our family life matters more than the opinions of others.  I took the step that has wanted to be taken for at least the last two years. . .and it feels exhilarating!

I feel full of hope and am resting comfortably in God's plan for me.  It feels so freeing to have released myself from the burden that had become my job. . .to not have to walk the delicate tightrope. I feel full of wonder to see what doors open or what other opportunities are out there when the time is right.  

For the love of all the students I've encountered over the past seventeen years, it was time to press pause. It was time to let go of the dream I once had and begin to dream anew.  There is no time like the present so that is what I intend to do: to laugh, to love, to play, and to be blessed by the memories I have and to dream big dreams for my tomorrows.

So We Don't Forget. . .

Back in August (where, oh where did the time go?) Lene Bean had an opportunity to be in a film with the son of Sally Clarkson.  This woman changed it all for me.  I went to my first Mom Heart conference nearly three years ago and I have not been the same since.  I would have NEVER imagined wanting to stay home with my kids.  They were not part of the plan I dreamed for myself years and years ago!  I mean, having kids was part of the plan I hoped for, but my dreams were for me, about me, ALL me.  I was going to be a class act teacher and then effective counselor, working hard, being a name that was recognized locally and then who knew what opportunities would come my way--perhaps a job consulting or as a college instructor.  And that's the track I was on, until I felt a pull to work part time and an opportunity fell into my lap. . .and then I attended a conference and the rest is history!

It was at last years Mom Heart Conference where I first heard of Nathan Clarkson's film venture, Confessions of a Prodigal Son.  He felt called to work in Hollywood as an actor, but was somewhat disappointed with the culture that came with it.  He wrote a film and then went on a mission to get it funded through kickstart.org
We happily backed the project and with it came an opportunity for Lene Bean to have a line in the film.  We didn't know at the time, we would all be cast as extras in the film too.  Truth be told, Nessa was not the happiest of campers in the diner scene as we re shot our scene over and over and over again.  But that is SO real life, people!!!

Everything about it was an adventure.  What an experience to be a part of something with a good, solid group of people.  What a memory for all of us to tuck away in the recesses of our heart and recall from time to time.  And what an opportunity for Lene Bean to see this type of theater in action.  She has always wondered about television and film after so much work on the stage. . .and now she knows.

It's funny, sometimes with her starting sixth grade next year (homeschool?), and me not working, I sometimes think maybe we can pursue it a little. . .but the truth is, if it's God's plan for her, I really believe the doors will open and I don't want to be that pushy, cranky mom fighting the LA traffic for an opportunity that just doesn't fit with how we want to experience life.  But this experience was a grand one for all of us!  I have no idea about the finished project. . .but in time, it will come out and our local peeps can come over for a viewing party.  Wouldn't that be fun?!

Finally, one other event I wanted to always remember was the year our bible study group got our kids together to celebrate Jesus' birthday.  Lene Bean wrote and directed the play, texting the moms the day before to see if the kid's could come up with some sort of a costume.  These kids put on an amazing show, at the park for all of us to see and they really got it.  They KNOW the true meaning of Christmas and they get it.  Made this mama heart proud!

They had pizza and cake.  They made the cutest cupcake ornaments and played games.  It was a glorious day to celebrate the King's birth and I was so proud that they honored Him in that way!

The last picture there filled with pink is to always remember the time Anjalene left the hamster's food open in her closet and we experienced a pantry moth invasion. Super gross.  Super unwanted.  Super work involved in cleaning every nook and cranny of the room and closet, washing every article of clothing included.  Plus the bug bomb for good measure. . .because mama couldn't believe this madness!

And because this becomes a book for the shelves to remember 2013.  The last memory (besides me being yuck sick) is the strength our ten year old showed as she stood up at the front of the church yesterday to say good-bye to her Uncle Dennis.  She even gave him a little stuffed animal--and we who know her well, know how much she still loves her animals.  There was not a dry eye in the house.  And I was reminded of my word for the year: FEARLESS: (from my archives)
Am I ready to see what 2013 has in store for me personally?  Absolutely! Am I praying about what direction our life will head as we venture into the new year and await Ernie's release back into the work force?  Absolutely!  Am I worried at all about what is in store?  Nope.  Not this time.  My 2013 word for the year is: fear{less}.

Not as in no fear ever. . .but as in fear less and proceed through whatever it is knowing this is part of His plan for me.  I have spent many years fearing things: roller coasters, the flu, money crisis, job changes, Ernie's jobs, my children's health, my mom's cancer, displeasing others, disappointing others, and failure (to name a few). But since Ernie's accident, I have been gifted a peace beyond all understanding.  Philipians 4:7 "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."



It blows me away that while I journeyed down the fear{less} path. . .my big girl would be journeying beside me.  I learn from her.  She learns from me.  God's life lessons are so incredibly beautiful that way! 2013, you will be missed but not forgotten!

Week at a Glance

Last week was short and long all at the same time.  It felt like part of my heart was living outside of my body and I had no idea how it really was doing.  Lene was at Science Camp and as happy as I was that she made it there, a part of me missed her terribly while she was away.  Wednesday night got a little worse as Nessa's nina told us of her plans to leave the country for work. . .again.  I might have cried for that and for missing my girl.  Bottom line:  I cried that night.  Just before bedtime I checked my email and was blessed by these words written by a friend:

Hi Janene,

Didn't want to text you since it's late. My friend is a teacher at _____ unified and she posted something on Facebook about being in big bear for a science camp.  I messaged her that your daughter is there and she knows her. She said they are all having so much fun and your daughter is a sweetheart:) I wanted to let you know I put another set of eyes on your baby girl:)

Jen

I tear up just reading that again because it was such the biggest blessing on that particular night.  God is SO good, I can't get over His timing and peace! It felt so good to have her home safe and sound and hear her recount stories from her time on the mountain. 

While she was away, Bubba and I may have spent some special time together playing checkers and sharing a shaved ice.  It was pretty cool to have a date with my son.  The stories he tells and the kindness from this kid just pours out of him. 

I really need to learn how to take better pictures on my iphone, especially since that's the only camera I seem to carry anymore!  Maybe it's time to pull out the big one--with the holidays rapidly approaching I may just want to capture quality photos and enjoy the moments a little more!

Sunday, ended this guy's Fall football season and the tournament did not disappoint.  It totally felt like a repeat of last year, sitting on the edge of our seats, a tied game in overtime and the first team to score wins!  This year the team pulled it off and walked away as CHAMPIONS!  The stress of it was too much for my pounding head, but it's funny--I think Bubba would have been fine either way.  He's kind of like his dad that way.  He gets over the losses pretty quickly. . .but still what a great way to end a great season.  They went into the tournament in first place too.

 And this little girl's nina is off to traipse the world again.  Opportunity knocked and she has a dream to pursue so she is on the road again. 

She wanted to say good-bye and celebrate an early birthday with her god-daughter so we all ate cake.  Then we said our good-byes and wished her well on her journey.  She has come and gone so much in the past four years that we are all a little used to it.  Her career is a demanding one. An adventurous one.  A lonely one.  But God has placed a dream on her heart that she has to pursue and I'm confident when the show is over, He will show her.  It's just not now. 

A long week.  An emotionally challenging week.  A week in which I relied on prayer and gratitude immensely.  That is the life I want to live--gulping gratitude and praying my way through.

Surrendering Motherhood. . .or Something Like that

Nothing like sitting and staring at a blank computer screen. . .it's not that the thoughts aren't there, but for whatever reason the words are hard to come by.  This particular computer sits still and powerless on most days.  Then when it hums to life I almost always  feel compelled to write.  This week is the first with all three in some version of school and extracurricular class.  It's strange how I long for the rhythm of a new normal and then when it gets here, and it's not what I expected it to be--I long for something more.  Such is our human heart, I guess.

In between catching up on last season's Nashville and folding loads of laundry after hours due to the extreme heat, I finished Surrendering Motherhood:  Losing Your Mind, Finding Your Soul by Iris Krasnow.  I'm not sure how I found this book, or more exactly, how this book found me.  The timing of its words, thoughts and deepest feelings resonated within me.  I'm still caught between two worlds:  working one day a week and being a full time mom.  For whatever reason, the first seems more valued and to get more respect.  As the year evolves into whatever it will be in my classroom setting, I'm even more aware of the choice that will most likely greet me come March.  A job share is probably no longer an option for my partner.  Her life is pulling her in the need to go back full time and a change is on the horizon.  I can't help thanking God that perhaps these past two years have just been preparing me for this moment: surrendering to motherhood and walking away.  For now.

I write this today, my loves more for me than you.  I write this today to gather my thoughts and to to reflect on them and to truly trust God's plan for this next part of my life.  I have taught other people's children for seventeen years.  I have loved what I do in my classroom for most of it.  What I haven't liked is all the garbage thrown at us from the state and government leaders that just suffocates our styles, stifles our passion, and discourages us to trust what our students need.  For as long as I can remember teaching has seemed as natural to me as breathing.  But now, my desire to pour into you, Bean, Bubba, and Nessa Bessa is what drives me.  It's what wakes me up each morning to come to God with my cup of coffee, bible, pen and paper.  Every day starts with the realization that I must rely heavily on Him and His plans for us that day. Random verses pop into my head and serve as reminders, "Do ALL things without complaining and disputing. . .SHINE as lights in the world"--Phil 12:14-15
 He is with me in all that I do.  He is calling me to be here.  To live fully and intentionally with the gifts He has given me: each of you. 

And so, I think about what it might be like to turn in a resignation letter come June.  It would be my first. I allow myself to entertain the thought or idea of working with someone else only one day a week.  And then I just give it to God...trusting Him, His will for my life.  And I read words from a book that has found its way into my home and know His intentions were for me to read things like: 

"When you stop to be where you are, then your life can really begin." (151)

"For most of my life I had been so busy becoming, I never experienced what I had when I had it." (159)

"My kids have captured me, and I am surrendering.  I am no longer mine.  I am theirs."  (160)

"I was avoiding my work at home.  I was avoiding looking into the eyes of sons who wanted everything and feeling that if I kept giving to them I'd have nothing left for myself."  (168)

So many days, as much as I enjoy this life at home I'm internally trying to figure out the next part--much of which includes at least some sort of work in a part time setting--if for nothing more than to have job security. . .just in case.  The reality?  Daddy was injured at work this year.  Financially we survived.  Emotionally we thrived.  What's the problem then?

". . .my work was becoming shallow; my child filled me up.  So why couldn't I finally, after a twisted, endless journey, be a wife and mother and be happy at that?  It was everything I had ever wanted, why wasn't it enough?" (101)

And why did I still listen to other voices?  What about retirement?  A bigger house?  More this?  Less that?
"Respect your own judgement, even if it means ignoring theirs."  (105)  

That's easier said than done for me. . .but maybe it's part of God's calling on my life for now.  To let go of the chatter I hear around me and focus on His voice, His plan, His path. . .

This last verse spoke to me.  I've had a plan for so long. . .been building myself up to be a reputable teacher and eventually a counselor--that the journey hasn't been so incredible as of late.  Because honestly, my goal kind of shifted ten years ago when I became a mama. 

"Real freedom comes from knowing exactly where you are supposed to be and what you are supposed to be doing. (201)  Prison is not knowing where you are going and forever trying to get there." 

I don't want to be stuck between two worlds anymore.  I don't want to make excuses about my choice to be in the home versus the work place.  I don't want to take on too many other tasks to feel valued or to affirm that I am somebody.  I am daddy's wife.  I am your mom.  That is enough.

 

Time Keeps Getting Away From Me

I'm not sure if it's time that seems to be playing a cruel joke on me or the health status of our kids that is doing it.  The last week of school knocked us down.  While Janessa healed from pneumonia, Jonathan succumbed to strep throat and I to a sinus infection.  Neither diagnosis' were fun when there were so many end of the year things to tie up.  But, as we usually do--we survived if not thrived during the chaos.

Monday we said good-bye to our cousin Devin.

His service was beautiful, heart felt and inspiring.  So many people had so many great things to say about the life he lived.  Although it may have been too short by our standards, I was so impressed by the young man he had become.  The one we hardly knew, but one whose death made us long to know him better.  It was nice to be around Ernie's extended family and listen to stories of their days past and to laugh.  Laughter was alive and well, like the hope we have that one day we will see Devin again in heaven.  Maybe Devin's death will inspire us to seek ways to get together more often, to love each other for who we are, and to create a stronger knit family for our kids.  Maybe. . .that is my prayer now.

Saturday as part of my mission to stay in touch and forge those connections I went to a Fit Camp that Devin used to run.  His big brother is taking over the assignment.  It's a free, hour long fitness boot camp that kicked my butt.  Two days later and I am still sore.  I think I have muscles I didn't know I had.  I've been doing Insanity at home in the privacy of my bedroom--and truth be told, sometimes I fast forward when the going gets too tough.  In real life, I think I pushed myself harder and I couldn't pause or fast forward through it.  I just had to do it.  Thanks for the motivation and inspiration, Devin! Now let's see if I can Get E to go with me next week. . .

The last week of school meant one last graduation for me to attend with  my dad.  It was fun to watch him and his friends pass out cards to graduating seniors.  I'm not sure it had hit him yet that this was it--his last working graduation.  It hit me though.  My dream was always to fill his shoes and counsel from his office when he was through.  My dream changed.

I would have to say they are worth it!  I'm so glad God's plans for me are so much bigger than I could have ever dreamed!

Finally, Nessa Bessa went through a preschool promotion.  She will be returning for one last year but it was cute to watch her on stage.  She has come a long way from lying on the floor during their Christmas sing along: )

This little girl stretches me.  She pushes me beyond what I think I am capable of.  She is strong-willed and loving.  She is feisty and fierce but happy.  She is demanding but absolutely understanding.  I have enjoyed this year with her immensely.  For the first time I felt like a stay-at-home mom with a little escape once a week to work.  Who would've thought it would turn out as beautiful as this?

 

Life is full of unexpected surprises. . .Sunny Summer days are on our horizon.

June 14, 2012

The kids have been out of school a week, and I still have two days left. . .but I realized I never wrote about Lene's play, We Are Off to Find Some Character.  This play will be remembered because the message was so appropriate for children these days. . .be a good citizen, thoughtful, and nice. And also because Lene auditioned for the lead--and nailed it (as per her teacher).  Before tryouts, I suggested she go for the narrator since there were seven. . .she looked at me and said, "Geez, mom--have a little faith."  Ouch.  Lesson learned.  She  belongs up there shining His light: )  

She even had a solo!

Loveliness against a lovely backdrop.

This girl has been a close friend since kinder.  I can't believe they are fourth graders now~

The scarecrow she is standing next to. . .known each other since pre-school.  My, how time flies!

Thankful for strong women in her life that support her endeavors and cheer her on from the front row.

Mom and my little performer.

The show was fantastic--I loved how all the kids were so involved in it--the chorus and appropriate songs filled with meaning and truths.  Absolutely adorable.  Then there was my daughter, up on that stage--doing what she loves. . .and only because she has written this verse on her heart. . ."I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."

So thankful she practiced her faith and put herself out there to audition. I know I am the mom and I do what I can to teach her worthwhile lessons that will positively effect her life and those lives she touches, but I learn from her too.  Yes.  I do.

May 24, 2012

Dear Daughter,

I know how much you heart is set on summer camp with the dance team you used to love, but dance camp isn't the issue--it's the bigger dance commitment that is.  I just don't want to share you with that competitive dance team again this year!  Having you back in our hearts and home this year has been such a tremendous JOY!

 I don't want them to have you at least five hours a week.  I don't want to not be able to schedule any fun family weekend outings between both you and your dad's crazy schedules.  Competitions were long days filled with lots of dancing, and make up, and frilly clothes...and sitting there and sitting there and sitting there.  All day long.  During dance season, I always felt I was battling for your heart.  I didn't have enough time with you to instill His truth, our guidance, and love.  I was tired. You were tired. Your siblings were tired because we were always on the go. . .up early, home late and what to do with your brother and sister during such full days focused on you--and your ten minutes of routines?  Ten minutes, love bug. All day long and hours of practice each week for ten minutes.

Now, if this was truly what your heart desired, we would consider it.  It would be extremely difficult to make it happen, but we would try again. . .or we can try again later when you're a little older.  But now?  You've been able to participate in two other shows since you didn't have the dance commitment--you were able to do what you love up there on a stage and perform.  You even had speaking parts this year, bug.  Being your mama, who doesn't want to see you get hurt, I recommended being a narrator so you would in fact be able to speak.  However, you had other plans.  Dorothy.  You won the role over eleven other lovely girls.  You wanted it, and you went after it and He blessed you with the part.  Finally, your voice was heard.

You blessed others with your beautiful voice when you sang at mass on Sunday.  If you were to join dance again, you would have to give this up too--as practice times conflict.  And, what about those plans we had for you to be my helper in Bubba's second year CCD class?  You were so excited to share your newest found faith in the consumption of bread and wine at mass this year. . .so excited to teach younger ones about the journey. 

But daughter dearest, if this is something your heart is set on,  I promise you it can be yours again in the future, just not yet.  Not this year.  What you might see as being mean, I simply see as not being ready yet.  You're not ready to get out there into the world with such little direction and  I'm not ready to send you.  We need more time here.  In this place, our home to guide you and grow you and to let you be little for as long as you can be!  You deserve the best from us--and although I know your dance teachers love you, it's different and we need you here.  Not the bustle and hustle of drop offs, and dinner away from our table, and late nights with no time for books and barely uttered prayers before you fall asleep exhausted.

I'm sorry love bug.  Dance team is not in the cards for this year.  A dance class, sure.  We can look into that--but the team?  Not happening again. . . yet.  I hope you can understand that this is not the end, but a beautiful beginning of what God can do when we intentionally lay the foundation at home first: spending quality time together, loving each other first, building His kingdom in our hearts, and shining His light to those we meet. 

I can't wait to see you on stage next week in the Wizard of Oz. . .and in November as part of the You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown cast. Keep shining His light and pursuing your passion!  Promise we will revisit the dance discussion another year.

Love Always,
Mom