Weekend Wandering. . .

I love when God knows just what you need.  After a pretty disastrous Thursday, Friday was followed up with some great girl time with two friends I don't have enough time with.  We headed to one of their churches for a Her Night Out with a special performance by CeeCee Winans.  She had us on our feet, praising God in our loudest voices.  Listening to her was pure JOY! The message was given by a woman who I hadn't heard of before, Julia Veach, She spoke of her faith, her struggles, and I was just reminded to surrender.  It has been in times that I've surrendered total situations to God, that I have seen His hands busy at work.  I'm not sure why I let that thought get away, but I'm thankful God found a way to get me to hear it again.

Saturday morning, Lene played her last volleyball game.  She did so well and had such a fun time this season. She was a lot less nervous about returning the ball and most of the time she can serve it over the net.  Her Pink Gummy Spikers had a great season full of many wins, but I like best that she enjoyed the game and wants to play again.  That means the most to me.

Saturday afternoon we got out of town and headed to Newport for a date night.  I didn't even realize that it was the last day of the month--so glad we squeezed it in!

Date #2 of 15 in 2015

We ate at Maestros.  The food was amazing!  The view was beautiful and the rain stayed at bay so I got to enjoy all of it!

Somehow during the course of our date night, after talking about what we both wanted to do for our birthdays this year since we are turning forty, we decided a trip would be in our future.  So we booked Maui.  That is a little crazy for me, especially considering the kids will be only two weeks into the start of a new school year then, but the tickets were priced right so we're going.  I'll get nervous about it later.  For now, it's fun to be planning this trip simultaneously as our Spring Break trip.  Big problems, I know.

Sunday we went to church with the whole family.  I just have to smile when I look at my girl's eclectic styles.  If only Ernie had let Nessa wear the fancy dress with her jeans that she had on originally.  That was really something!  Since my Sunday dinner idea didn't pan out with the big family, we decided to do what we do best: focus on what happens within our walls and have our own Sunday family dinners.  Let me tell you this, it is so refreshing not to be waiting on anyone else, not to deal with last minute cancellations, no drama.  Our family dinner focuses on the lives of those we directly influence and impact: our kids.  It is a beautiful thing to create your own traditions when extended family fails you.  It further cements the understanding that who lives under this roof matters most.  It causes us to stress the importance of loving your brother and sisters, creating nurturing relationships that last.  Serving each other out of love is something I strive to show them.

I love Joshua 24:15
15 But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your forefathers served beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD."  

There really is no other way to live.  We won't compromise on this one.  And we can love one another and not love the way they are living.  Psalm 127:3-5 says, "Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate."

We are training our arrows to be Kingdom Kids, to be set apart, to be in the world, but not of the world. This role as parents is the most important calling on our life.  This weekend was a good one. . .filled with JOY and quality time with the ones I love most.

On the Eve of Your Fifth Birthday, Nessa Bessa. . .

Nature walk the day before your birthday.

Dear Janessa,

I write this on the eve of your fifth birthday and I may have been extra emotional tonight as I noticed everything about your last night of being four.  I loved interviewing you, watching the wheels turn as you thought about your answers and showed me your ballet moves eagerly.  The way you brushed your teeth and put your pajamas on unassisted.  The peace and calming oil you asked to be rubbed on your feet; the way you nestled in the crook of my arm as I read The Dance to you. . .and how you noticed the crack in my voice during two different parts and you reached your hand up to caress my face.  You are so perceptive! We prayed together and you asked me to stay.  And I did so willingly tonight, absolutely no thought to the distractions that sometimes win my attention.  And I took it all in: the scent of your conditioned hair, the feel of your smooth skin, the way you still delicately pull at lambies fur, the beating of your heart.  I noticed it all tonight because you will never be four again, and you're my last.  Which is probably why I woke up today wondering if it would be the last time I found that you had sneaked into our bed. And I made myself remember that one day, I will miss this.  I will miss ALL this because the days are long, but the years SO SO short.

On the eve of number 5

Baby girl,  I want you to know how much I love being your mommy.  I thank God every single day for you. I thank Him for the opportunity to be home with you, to homeschool you.  Sometimes a thought will sneak in and I will wonder if I shouldn't have sent you to TK, but then those thoughts are quickly replaced by the realization that THIS is what motherhood is about. I don't need to apologize or answer to anyone for the choices we make in raising you. Always remember that.  No matter how many degrees you have, I will never be disappointed in the decision you make as a mama as long as it's the right one for you.  Follow your heart and have faith in God that His plans will be revealed to you--and I am so excited to see what they are, my love!  I just know He is going to use you for greatness in this world!!

You are such a talker, and a feeler, and a mover!  You love to use your imagination and play.  You love to go to cooking class and ask questions and make yummy recipes.  You are blessed with good friends.  You like all things Little Pet Shops, Barbie, Strawberry Shortcake, Critters, dolls and house.  You asked daddy to take off your training wheels two weeks ago and you are getting the hang of riding your bike.  You are a gift.  Our gift and I am so thankful you are a part of this family.

Nessa Bessa, your feisty, sassy attitude is well balanced with your loving, gentle spirit.  You make me smile in spite of myself sometimes.  You stretch me.  I have you to thank for the mama I have become...the one who has let go of worldly standards and uses the only one that matters: love.  I've learned to put it on first thing in the morning, and to keep myself in check throughout our long days.  For as long as I live, these years home with you will be some of the best of my life.  We are our own team and we show up for the others: Little, Anjalene, Jonathan, and now Anthony. . .you are my sidekick, my right hand gal to do what needs to be done day in and day out; shopping, cooking, laundry, dusting.  You are beside me and I will miss you when we send you off to real school.  But speaking of school, I love seeing your excitement when you master something difficult: like writing your lowercase e correctly, or the number 5.  You squeal in delight, you hug me and my smile is so big because of your pure joy.  Teaching you has been a real joy.  You are a joy in my life.

"It's hard to be four," we would cry out on occasion. . .but now it's on to five.  Fabulous five. Fun Five. Fantastic Five.  Frank Five.  I look forward to the joy year five will bring.  You are my sunshine.  My Nessa Bessa. My love bug.  My baby bird.  I will always love the life you helped lead me to. . .the life of a stay at home mama.  Happy birthday, Janessa Raylene, may all your dreams come true!

All my love always and forever,
Mom

Selfie on the night before you turned five.

On Dreams Deferred. . .

Sometimes there is so much more to life than simply writing about it. Yet I pause and really do believe in the power of the written word.  An old Chinese proverb comes to mind, "Hear and I forget.  See and I remember. Do and I understand."  When I write it out. . .it might sink in.  It might embed itself deep in the the history of my memory and sometimes I may come to realize things about myself, others, or the world.

Once, a very long time ago, I had a dream.  My dream was to be a published author.  Then my dream was to go into communications in college.  Finally, I played it safe and went into teaching.  Teaching blended the best of two worlds: content I enjoyed with kids who I loved.  But my dream vanished to the backburner of my mind.  It only resurfaced recently with my students in writing class, as a little girl shared her ambition to write a book.  I began to cheer her on and then realized I could even share my first book with her, written at about eight years old.  And as we journal back and forth, it's not the dream that has ignited something in me, but the idea of possibility that has exploded into my mind.

Stepping away from the safety of the classroom has broadened my world in every way.  It feels ripe with opportunity.  Ripe with possibility.  Ripe and ready for the picking.  What an interesting, unfamiliar concept! Playing it safe brought about stability and peace; however, this broad world view feels lo large, so grand and so full of promise!  What a feeling to hold on to, to seek, to be open to both the old and new dreams He puts upon my heart.  Now this is what I call living!

For the Love of. . .

 For the love of all things normal. . .life has been anything but.

I see glimpses of it at the dawn of my day and as I fall into slumber.  But the edges are all blurred and the picture it seems is out of focus.  The joke is on me: my word of the year was focus, remember? God SO has a sense of humor!

And how, in all the craziness that consumes us currently, is it that I would have a brief moment of clarity where I took immediate action to end this thing that I spent seventeen years in the making?

How, at a time when life seems anything but stable did I get brave enough to simply walk away? 

I'm not sure how to answer that yet.

But I did it anyways.  I took a big leap of faith and gave myself permission to admit that the biggest legacy I leave behind is the impact I have on the life of my children.  I admitted that my vision for our family life matters more than the opinions of others.  I took the step that has wanted to be taken for at least the last two years. . .and it feels exhilarating!

I feel full of hope and am resting comfortably in God's plan for me.  It feels so freeing to have released myself from the burden that had become my job. . .to not have to walk the delicate tightrope. I feel full of wonder to see what doors open or what other opportunities are out there when the time is right.  

For the love of all the students I've encountered over the past seventeen years, it was time to press pause. It was time to let go of the dream I once had and begin to dream anew.  There is no time like the present so that is what I intend to do: to laugh, to love, to play, and to be blessed by the memories I have and to dream big dreams for my tomorrows.

Counter-Culture Rambling

Time keeps racing on but I am in no hurry to keep up.  I find myself, this week, being easier on myself, using my time to enjoy simple moments, and finding great joy in that.  Ernie is off work and what a gift to have him woven back into the daily fiber of our lives.  Devotions and goodbyes in the morning include him.  Walking and talking all the way to pre-school drop off with my best friend is such an unexpected blessing this week with gorgeous weather to top it off!

Many conversations have taken place this week in which he has reminded me to,  "let it go."  (Actually that song has practically been on repeat over here.  The whole Frozen soundtrack is fun and I love to hear Janessa scream it at the top of her lungs.) We have so many decisions to make about next year--to go to transitional kinder or not; to send Lene to Catholic School or not; for me to quit teaching for good for a season or not. .  and although I don't feel anxious about any of them, I kind of want E to make the final decision--it feels like too much for me to handle on my own and I'm desperately afraid to be wrong. Besides, I just want to know there is a plan. What's wrong with that?

But E's gentle reminder to let it go brings me back to the FOCUS of what we are trying to accomplish in this house:  To trust God's plan on the calling in our lives.  I'm not sure why all of a sudden I'm thinking any more about giving up teaching than I was two years ago when I was gifted the opportunity to work less.  I don't know why I'm not certain that God's plan will be revealed in His time and I can't just go with that--praying and living life for Him in the meantime.  I feel like He's saying, "How many times Janene do I have to show you. . .I've got this?"  I know it deep, deep down.  I just need to not let the future thoughts weigh me down and enjoy the simple gifts of today.

This week those gifts have been too many to count; although I am trying.  I began journaling my thousand gifts again.  Ann Voskamp's reminders are alive and well in my heart and I'm trying to live in a deep state of gratitude daily. The simple idea to look for a gift in everything has resonated with me this month as we already start the year less three people we knew in our life, with three funerals this weekend.

Book club has started again and we are reading Mission to Motherhood.
This is my third time reading the book and I am amazed how new parts are speaking to my heart. God's timing is always so perfect.  There are parts in here that remind me to question my motive behind working--for me, job security should not equal working more for money we do not need.  Granted, more money is nice--but we currently live a modest life that can be sustained on one income.  And what about my retirement?  Were my granpdarents and great grandparents motivated by working for their retirement?  I don't think so.  Actually I don't think my grandma ever worked outside her home--but they did fine.  The reason I think this is, is because they lived through the depression.  They knew the difference between needs and wants.  They stayed in the houses they bought and paid them off.  They didn't drive up credit cards and lived within their means.  I think we live like that.  We choose to live like that.  We aren't buying culture's lies that we have to keep up with the Jones'.  We are certain that home is where your heart is--it doesn't have to be big where we have to work for the mortgage.  Culture calls out lies and messages that are so loud and deafening we get overwhelmed with the noise. But our headphones are on and we refuse to listen!


This post got E and I discussing our own degree of affluenza and how we could combat it in our kids.  Sometimes it is so much easier to give into the demands of culture--to disqualify our own inner voice for the sake of not wanting our kids to be left out or considered different.  But if we don't discern culture's voice for our children, who will? Not sure that this relates but, oh well--I noticed it so I'm writing it. Last night we went out to pizza after volleyball practice with the team.  We were all responsible for our own orders.  I ordered three kids drinks and two regulars.  In my head, I knew I was allowing the kids to have a soda on a school night--that's generous in my book, so it wasn't going to be a big one.  Besides, last time I checked they were all kids.  Anjalene made a slight face when I handed her the cup.  Her eyes said, "Really Mom?"  I explained my rationale and she walked off to fill up her cup.  When I looked at the team's table--sure enough, my kid was the only one with the smaller version of a cup.  Know what?  Nobody really cared.  I could have traded her my big cup for hers so she would fit in--but why?  Culture dictates enough and causes too much stress already in our hectic lives--why let it have a hold in our house?

Date nights have been abundant this week.  E took the girls out and they got all dressed up.  Bubba and I spent some quality time together researching penny boards over dinner out.  The kids served us while Ea and I enjoyed a fire in the backyard after we put Nessa down.  It was so generous of them to serve and they told us we should do that every week. We just might take them up on that. 

My phone hasn't been out as much these days.  I'm slowly reading Hands Free Mama.  Oh man, has it struck a chord.  I am guilty of living a distracted life with my phone in quick reach.  Even in my attempt to capture moments to document our life--I've missed out on some simple gestures and expressions.  It's hard to keep reading when I'm convicted page after page.  If it's not checking emails, or Instagram. . .it's responding to text messages.  there is always something to distract.  I'm striking back and taking control of my bad habit so my kids can grow up to be hands free too. Tell me I'm not the only one struggling in this area, please! 

I'm trying to learn scripture this year.  Did I mention that?  This month's verse--pitiful, I know--but weekly has just never worked for me, so instead of giving up I'm giving myself grace and allowing more time to soak it in and memorize it.  More info on the plan here

"In the beginning was the word and the word was with God and the word was God."--John 1:1