On the Eve of Your Fifth Birthday, Nessa Bessa. . .

Nature walk the day before your birthday.

Dear Janessa,

I write this on the eve of your fifth birthday and I may have been extra emotional tonight as I noticed everything about your last night of being four.  I loved interviewing you, watching the wheels turn as you thought about your answers and showed me your ballet moves eagerly.  The way you brushed your teeth and put your pajamas on unassisted.  The peace and calming oil you asked to be rubbed on your feet; the way you nestled in the crook of my arm as I read The Dance to you. . .and how you noticed the crack in my voice during two different parts and you reached your hand up to caress my face.  You are so perceptive! We prayed together and you asked me to stay.  And I did so willingly tonight, absolutely no thought to the distractions that sometimes win my attention.  And I took it all in: the scent of your conditioned hair, the feel of your smooth skin, the way you still delicately pull at lambies fur, the beating of your heart.  I noticed it all tonight because you will never be four again, and you're my last.  Which is probably why I woke up today wondering if it would be the last time I found that you had sneaked into our bed. And I made myself remember that one day, I will miss this.  I will miss ALL this because the days are long, but the years SO SO short.

On the eve of number 5

Baby girl,  I want you to know how much I love being your mommy.  I thank God every single day for you. I thank Him for the opportunity to be home with you, to homeschool you.  Sometimes a thought will sneak in and I will wonder if I shouldn't have sent you to TK, but then those thoughts are quickly replaced by the realization that THIS is what motherhood is about. I don't need to apologize or answer to anyone for the choices we make in raising you. Always remember that.  No matter how many degrees you have, I will never be disappointed in the decision you make as a mama as long as it's the right one for you.  Follow your heart and have faith in God that His plans will be revealed to you--and I am so excited to see what they are, my love!  I just know He is going to use you for greatness in this world!!

You are such a talker, and a feeler, and a mover!  You love to use your imagination and play.  You love to go to cooking class and ask questions and make yummy recipes.  You are blessed with good friends.  You like all things Little Pet Shops, Barbie, Strawberry Shortcake, Critters, dolls and house.  You asked daddy to take off your training wheels two weeks ago and you are getting the hang of riding your bike.  You are a gift.  Our gift and I am so thankful you are a part of this family.

Nessa Bessa, your feisty, sassy attitude is well balanced with your loving, gentle spirit.  You make me smile in spite of myself sometimes.  You stretch me.  I have you to thank for the mama I have become...the one who has let go of worldly standards and uses the only one that matters: love.  I've learned to put it on first thing in the morning, and to keep myself in check throughout our long days.  For as long as I live, these years home with you will be some of the best of my life.  We are our own team and we show up for the others: Little, Anjalene, Jonathan, and now Anthony. . .you are my sidekick, my right hand gal to do what needs to be done day in and day out; shopping, cooking, laundry, dusting.  You are beside me and I will miss you when we send you off to real school.  But speaking of school, I love seeing your excitement when you master something difficult: like writing your lowercase e correctly, or the number 5.  You squeal in delight, you hug me and my smile is so big because of your pure joy.  Teaching you has been a real joy.  You are a joy in my life.

"It's hard to be four," we would cry out on occasion. . .but now it's on to five.  Fabulous five. Fun Five. Fantastic Five.  Frank Five.  I look forward to the joy year five will bring.  You are my sunshine.  My Nessa Bessa. My love bug.  My baby bird.  I will always love the life you helped lead me to. . .the life of a stay at home mama.  Happy birthday, Janessa Raylene, may all your dreams come true!

All my love always and forever,
Mom

Selfie on the night before you turned five.