Dear Birthday Boy

Dearest Bubba,

It has been a strange week leading up to your entry into double digits.  You literally blew me away last week at your track meet. Five races, where you ran your way to first place status each time, gave me pause.  Where is my little boy?  How have those legs carried you so far away from the pack in the race and why are they leading the way to this next decade of your life?  Time is cruel.  It is a race I was never prepared for, and it keeps going, so here I am saying, "Happy 10th Birthday, Son."

Bubs, I recently saw, of all things, a tatoo that stated a truth I want you to learn young. . ."Change is the only constant." And this has definitely been a year full of changes for you, our family, our household.  Of all my children, you are the one who struggles with any kind of change the most; therefore, I know this year has not been easy.  I know you've struggled with disappointments from people you love.  I know what a soft heart you have and that it hurts easily.  I also know some of the bruising has probably come from me in moments where my harsh tone or words did not fit the offense.  And as I have already told you far too many times this year, I am truly sorry.

I forgot how it feels to be on the verge of growing up. I never had to share my room with anyone.  I never had to share my parents with anyone.  I never watched that dance and now daddy and I dance it daily and son, it is hard.  We make many mistakes, of this I know for sure.  But you are not a mistake.  You were born to be ours.  You were born with a heart of compassion and eyes for justice.  You have stepped out and shown who you are becoming.  I know your life verse is Philippians 4:13  "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength," but son, the Lord has been placing a new verse on my heart and He is showing me that it is just for you as we enter a new decade of your life:  "He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."--Micah 6:8

There is something about who you are that my mama heart just knows has to pray for the wonderful things you will do for His kingdom over time.  Raising a Kingdom Kid with eyes like you have, who seeks out the broken, voices concern for people afraid to speak, and who can win races and know that it was not of your ability but because of God's given gift to you--all those qualities make for a kid who is already in tune with God's call on his life and totally open to the possibilities of his future! And to think, we have the privilege and joy to call you son!

From leadership to track to Pokemon cards. . .this year has been full of new opportunities to grow you.  I still remember that first week of school when I told you I just couldn't sit and help you with every detail of your homework.  I mean, you were in 4th grade!  From that day forward, you came in and did what needed to be done, only asking me for help on occasion.  Amazing what you can accomplish when you're pushed outside your comfort zone a little.  Hot lunch on Thursdays, Character Counts blue, College shirt day, Leadership shirt day--I watch the week fly by by the shirt you wear.  But I am so proud that you put yourself out there this year and tried new things!

I loved our desert trip to the mine, and the flowers you still gather for me.  I love your laugh and smile.  Your eyes can see into my soul.  They undo me in the best possible way because I know you get it. . .ALL of it! You see the good before the bad and I love that about you.  You've been the man of the house checking doors and lights when dad has to work and I have thoroughly enjoyed our Frisbee afternoons at the park.  Actually, I'm ready for summer nights that we can play!  I don't even mind that you beat me in steps every day.  I am four times as old as you, and not nearly as good at dropping everything to just run and play!  I really do need to work on that!  

I am so excited to see what the Lord has planned for your life.  You are such a gift to me, son.  I love you forever and ever to the moon and back times a thousand million zillion. . .until the end of time!

I hope your day and your ten-year-old adventure is memorable.  I can't wait to hear all about it!

All my love always,

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Mom

On the Eve of Your Fifth Birthday, Nessa Bessa. . .

Nature walk the day before your birthday.

Dear Janessa,

I write this on the eve of your fifth birthday and I may have been extra emotional tonight as I noticed everything about your last night of being four.  I loved interviewing you, watching the wheels turn as you thought about your answers and showed me your ballet moves eagerly.  The way you brushed your teeth and put your pajamas on unassisted.  The peace and calming oil you asked to be rubbed on your feet; the way you nestled in the crook of my arm as I read The Dance to you. . .and how you noticed the crack in my voice during two different parts and you reached your hand up to caress my face.  You are so perceptive! We prayed together and you asked me to stay.  And I did so willingly tonight, absolutely no thought to the distractions that sometimes win my attention.  And I took it all in: the scent of your conditioned hair, the feel of your smooth skin, the way you still delicately pull at lambies fur, the beating of your heart.  I noticed it all tonight because you will never be four again, and you're my last.  Which is probably why I woke up today wondering if it would be the last time I found that you had sneaked into our bed. And I made myself remember that one day, I will miss this.  I will miss ALL this because the days are long, but the years SO SO short.

On the eve of number 5

Baby girl,  I want you to know how much I love being your mommy.  I thank God every single day for you. I thank Him for the opportunity to be home with you, to homeschool you.  Sometimes a thought will sneak in and I will wonder if I shouldn't have sent you to TK, but then those thoughts are quickly replaced by the realization that THIS is what motherhood is about. I don't need to apologize or answer to anyone for the choices we make in raising you. Always remember that.  No matter how many degrees you have, I will never be disappointed in the decision you make as a mama as long as it's the right one for you.  Follow your heart and have faith in God that His plans will be revealed to you--and I am so excited to see what they are, my love!  I just know He is going to use you for greatness in this world!!

You are such a talker, and a feeler, and a mover!  You love to use your imagination and play.  You love to go to cooking class and ask questions and make yummy recipes.  You are blessed with good friends.  You like all things Little Pet Shops, Barbie, Strawberry Shortcake, Critters, dolls and house.  You asked daddy to take off your training wheels two weeks ago and you are getting the hang of riding your bike.  You are a gift.  Our gift and I am so thankful you are a part of this family.

Nessa Bessa, your feisty, sassy attitude is well balanced with your loving, gentle spirit.  You make me smile in spite of myself sometimes.  You stretch me.  I have you to thank for the mama I have become...the one who has let go of worldly standards and uses the only one that matters: love.  I've learned to put it on first thing in the morning, and to keep myself in check throughout our long days.  For as long as I live, these years home with you will be some of the best of my life.  We are our own team and we show up for the others: Little, Anjalene, Jonathan, and now Anthony. . .you are my sidekick, my right hand gal to do what needs to be done day in and day out; shopping, cooking, laundry, dusting.  You are beside me and I will miss you when we send you off to real school.  But speaking of school, I love seeing your excitement when you master something difficult: like writing your lowercase e correctly, or the number 5.  You squeal in delight, you hug me and my smile is so big because of your pure joy.  Teaching you has been a real joy.  You are a joy in my life.

"It's hard to be four," we would cry out on occasion. . .but now it's on to five.  Fabulous five. Fun Five. Fantastic Five.  Frank Five.  I look forward to the joy year five will bring.  You are my sunshine.  My Nessa Bessa. My love bug.  My baby bird.  I will always love the life you helped lead me to. . .the life of a stay at home mama.  Happy birthday, Janessa Raylene, may all your dreams come true!

All my love always and forever,
Mom

Selfie on the night before you turned five.

From my Journal

Dear Lord,

Holy Week. So much suffering done by you, for me. . .
Yet I reflect on the absolute joy I have been filled with already these two days.  That contradiction boggles my mind.

I am at peace with my decision for next year.  I've been honest with the big whigs who run things.  And I thank you.  Thank you for being enough.  Thank you for making me enough.  Thank you for the gift of knowing home is where I belong.  My sphere of influence here is great and my kids will know how you always work in their lives and how you are all they need.

So much of my adult life has been spent playing it safe.  Not taking risks, not rocking the boat, doing things others expect me to do and doing them well, caring too much what others think. . .and not relying on you for every little thing.

The past six years have prepared me for this moment.  Leaning into you did not come naturally to me; I learned to.  Over the course of these years, you opened my eyes to the beauty that was right in front of me. Thank you.  I could have missed all this:

• The way she moves her head and sings aloud from the back seat as we run errands.
• A weekly lunch date with my oldest little.  Hand in mine as we cross the street.
• The way he has to eat before getting dressed in the morning.  And how he warms himself by the fireplace.
• Noticing his tastes have changed from pbj sandwiches to turkey this month.
• Park dates after preschool.
• Friends coming over to do homework or a full car load of girls to honor choir.
• Picnics of pretend food on the library floor.
• Barbies and Little Pets and make believe galore.

I never thought this was the life for me.  Good thing you knew it all along.  Thank you doesn't seem enough.

Amen

Birthday Blues

Dear Bubba Boy,

Why is it that I find myself a little blue over you turning eight years old today?  Maybe it's because I am realizing so many of your lasts.  Your last day as a seven year old, I will never have that day back with another son.  You, my love are it.  

My sweet, tender hearted son.  You fill my heart with your sensitive soul and your generous, caring heart.  Just a few weeks ago, the principal called to tell me about a nice act he witnessed from you on the playground.  I watched as you took a plate of strawberries to your cousin at his birthday party because you heard he wanted some.  I watch as you give up your seat at the table we work at in the back of your classroom when I work in there on Tuesdays.  I see how gentle you are with your little sister and how much she loves her Bubba.  You see her.  You take the time to play with her.  You include her in your fun and let her be a part of your movie making magic.  She looks up to you.  She watches you at all times...I am so glad God gifted us one more child because I can not imagine not being able to see you be a big brother.

Son, I've often heard the phrase, "all boy."  That has not ever described who you are.  You're full of energy and like your legos and motorcycles, but you also take time to pick me flowers.  You ask how you can help and often times you say prayers and say things that just melt this mama's heart.  Bubs, I am so lucky God chose me to be your mom.  I thank God for you--this gift He has given me because you are amazing!!

My prayer for you is that you keep grounded in our faith. I pray you always remain a friend to others--that you shine His light.  I can not wait to see what God is going to do to write the story of your life.  He created you with such purpose and the opening of these gifts is a pleasure to watch son. Remember our verse when you had that big part Mr. Alligator in your production? 

Philippians 4:13

¹³ I can do all things through Christ^[a] who strengthens me.

This son, is your life verse.  You can do ALL things with God by your side.  Remember we are always here to support you.  Happy 8th birthday my love bug.  Thank you for still holding my hand in public, for letting me give you kisses and hugs, for trusting me with the secrets of your heart and for putting up with me and forgiving me when I fail you.  Being a mom is tough work because I care so deeply and wholly for you.

May blessings abound.

I love you forever and always to the moon and back, to heaven and back, to earth a million billion times.

Mom