Convictions in a Crazy World

“In the absence of Biblical convictions, people go the way of culture.”--Sally Clarkson

Navigating against the tide of middle school influences is an ebb and flow of conversations, criticisms, and critiques.  I sit here and think there are so many things working against us each day: television, film, technology, books, and even friends and family.  It has often been lonely this year to stand for what we believe is right. If it hadn't been for all of us in this household, standing together, I may have wavered. There have been times we second guessed allowing a tween to do something they have asked because we're not sure the difference between protective and over-protective.  

I have read more tween literature than I probably did when I was this age. . .to check it out, act as a buffer, decide whether it's too much too soon, because didn't you know?  So and so has already read that!  And it IS in the school library, so it must be age appropriate...  Yeah, right!

This parenting gig is not for the faint of heart...

Being set apart, having high ideals for our children's behavior and character, not wanting to expose them to too much too soon is a battle being waged daily: the radio station they listen to, not being allowed to use social media, allowing some freedoms but with a very limited number of people in which we know their families.  It is HARD!  And trust me when I say, we get tired.  Instructing our kids day in and day out is draining and exhausting!  We yell and get frustrated, but we also have learned to ask for forgiveness and make things right before we go to bed.  It has been such a dance between holding on and letting go, all the while wondering if we have modeled and trained in a love-filled, grace-filled way.  I don't know.  I hope so, but hope is all I have to rely on some days.

I want my kids to further His kingdom.  I want them to desire to serve Him, to find their passion and use it for good.  I want them to have their own individual relationships with God because it's what they come to want, not because it's all we have ever wanted for them.  I think some people say they want their kids to love God and do good, but then they don't do the necessary work to instill excellent character traits in them.  Kids need to learn it at home first because so much of the world is working to undo their convictions.  There is a battle being waged on our children's hearts and we must fight for them.  We must protect them from too much too soon.  We must teach them what it means to be humble, trustworthy, honest, and faithful.  Our actions, our words, our ways are constantly ushering the way into who they will become. And even if we do all things right, there is no guarantee they will walk the road we would like them to, being the type of people we had trained them to be, living a life of service that we had hoped for them.  And in those instances, we pray God uses it all for His good and we hold on to hope.  

This raising of kingdom kids in a world that is so dark and full of trouble is hard.  But God's call on our lives as parents, is to be in it for the long haul--to do the work we were sent here to do.  It is our responsibility to turn away from contemporary culture's allure to live a life filled with honor, service, love, kindness, and respect.  My prayer for my children is that they will hold tight to their biblical convictions and take a stand to be who God created them to be in a culture that is screaming something different. 

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."--John 16:33

On Days of Dreams

I had been tossing the idea around in my head to write daily for the month of October.  There were many reasons: it's my birthday month, I love October, and there's a series going on at a blog I visit from time to time.  The goal is to write daily.  Since this is the encouragement I've been giving my writing students, I thought maybe I would commit to doing the same. But me and commitment kind of broke up this year.  Back when I resigned, I made a decision in my head to step back from all my commitments and choose only a couple to focus on.  In the extra activities added to my plate, I was losing a firm grasp on the ones that mattered most: my family.  At the end of the day I was so depleted, I was rushing through bedtime rituals to the sanctuary that is my bedroom.

So I did the thing that had to be done.  Broke up with weekly book club at my house, PTA extra commitments, and all things that were weighing me down.  Even with less, add another kids to the mix and there is definitely more.  So, there comes the dilemma with a daily writing commitment.  I want to say I will do it, but I want the freedom to not do it if life gets in the way.  Me and my goals are kind of wacky like that. I have a difficult time not doing something I say I'm going to do.  End of story.

I'll never forget the first principal who I worked for as a teacher.  We had a little discussion one day before I went off to a job interview at the local academy.  I had only been teaching, maybe two years but my eye was on the counselor job already.  If I didn't rush my plan into action, I felt like I was letting myself down.  She told me something along the lines that, "there are a lot of different paths to get to your goal."  It was just the combination of words that gave myself permission to press pause and enjoy my teaching life just as it was. I've never regretted that decision.  I do believe that was God's plan for my life, to bump me around at all three levels and gain experience while always allowing me the luxury to spend more time at home with the ones who mattered most to me.

Dreams.  They change.  They are different for everybody.  They belong to you.


 "Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today."

James Dean

On Dreams Deferred. . .

Sometimes there is so much more to life than simply writing about it. Yet I pause and really do believe in the power of the written word.  An old Chinese proverb comes to mind, "Hear and I forget.  See and I remember. Do and I understand."  When I write it out. . .it might sink in.  It might embed itself deep in the the history of my memory and sometimes I may come to realize things about myself, others, or the world.

Once, a very long time ago, I had a dream.  My dream was to be a published author.  Then my dream was to go into communications in college.  Finally, I played it safe and went into teaching.  Teaching blended the best of two worlds: content I enjoyed with kids who I loved.  But my dream vanished to the backburner of my mind.  It only resurfaced recently with my students in writing class, as a little girl shared her ambition to write a book.  I began to cheer her on and then realized I could even share my first book with her, written at about eight years old.  And as we journal back and forth, it's not the dream that has ignited something in me, but the idea of possibility that has exploded into my mind.

Stepping away from the safety of the classroom has broadened my world in every way.  It feels ripe with opportunity.  Ripe with possibility.  Ripe and ready for the picking.  What an interesting, unfamiliar concept! Playing it safe brought about stability and peace; however, this broad world view feels lo large, so grand and so full of promise!  What a feeling to hold on to, to seek, to be open to both the old and new dreams He puts upon my heart.  Now this is what I call living!

Just because. . .

Writing when the words don't want to come will get you nowhere.

Being who He created you to be can't happen if you're always trying to edit His plans in your life.

Letting go of a job title to lean into motherhood is more complicated than I would like it to be.

Embracing hands free and being hands on is beautiful in theory but hard to practice...all. the. time.

Caring for a sickie is exhausting and exhilarating all in the same breath.

The realization your standards for clean and your kids standard for clean are two different things. . .means middle ground is hard to come by.

Gorgeous weather makes for a happy soul and dreams of adventure to accompany it. 

The kids?  They beg for summer to come quickly.  I beg for it too.  For the last sentences of this chapter to be written and to close this part of my story. 

The thought of the future and the opportunities that await me--excites me as much as it terrifies me.  

I breathe deep gulps of gratitude to be able to walk away from a career in education for a season. . .but then I anxiously explore other options because if I am not a teacher then who am I? I updated my resume--for what? How can I encourage a college education for my girls so that they don't feel guilt if they decide to stay home and raise their own children? Where does my guilt even come from? Sigh.

I tuck it all away and try to focus on God and His plans for me, but then there's the writer's block because I can't really write anything of substance if I don't deal with the thoughts I'm stuffing.  So I un-stuff here in this space. I think about the character education program I have the chance of starting at our elementary school. I think about my TK'er and the opportunity I have to school her at home.  Every day.  For a whole year.  I think about early morning time with my two girls next year. . .how perfect as one goes off to middle school, we will have the gift of an hour together every morning.  I think about not having to lesson plan or grade papers, or desperately plea with parents to do something to help their child to be successful. . .how freeing that sounds!  Sigh of relief.  

Being my kid's mom is enough.  I am enough.  He had this plan for my life all long!!! I'm embracing the role and seizing the opportunity because it's mine!!!  All of it! Blessing upon blessing upon blessing! For seventeen years I've left imprints on the lives of my students. . .now the direction is shifting and I am so excited for the imprints I will leave on the hearts of my children and their friends.

"For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago." Ephesians 2:10 (NLT)

Keep My Eyes Above the Waves. . .and Other Thoughts on Faith

I was so looking forward to the normalcy of this week.  Then three kids got pink eye.  And I had my observation at work.  And gift baskets for the silent auction have to be put together for Saturday.  And then my job share partner called and we had the conversation that needed to be had and I'm walking away from my twenty percent.  I knew going into this year, that it would probably be our last as her personal life situation has changed.  I prayed that if it's God's intention that I stay in the classroom, then He would open a door--I mean He seriously has delivered the last two times I've shifted into part time status.  This time I felt ready for the move out of two worlds and into just my home BUT then in December my partner said she could swing it.  She wanted to share a classroom again.  If I'm honest with myself, the first feeling I had was disappointment but I knew it was God's will for me to stay part of both worlds.  How could it not be?  I had to do it if she was able to!

Then today we found out administration was shifting things around and math and science were to be in my future if we continue to share.  I am not a math teacher. When the conversation continued it just felt like it was my time to exit.  I talked to my husband. Then we notified our principal.  And then I might have panicked as I tried to reconcile my heart and mind to get in sync with each other and just be still.  My first instinct was to call Human Resources and see what else is out there in the part time world--but as I entered this year with my prayer to God--I promised myself I wouldn't search it out.  Whatever it was meant to be would come to me.  By making the call to HR it felt like I wasn't trusting God enough--or I didn't know if I agreed with His answer.  How's that for faith?


I sent out a couple texts to friends that resembled this:

The day wore on and I did what needed to be done--drove to the store with one of my sickies and we conversed until we were out of words.  Because the silence was drowned out by my thoughts--I turned on the radio and low and behold the song that had just concluded my Mom's Heart weekend was just beginning on XM  "Oceans"  by Hillsong. 

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand
I will call upon Your name And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise my soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now
So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine.

Do you see the theme yet? And then as if that wasn't enough, when I was getting into my car, I hit the unlock button on my remote and heard something drop.  I looked down in the gutter to see my key chain staring up at me: Trust in the Lord.

Be still. Have Faith. Trust.  Uh-huh. I get it.  Really I do. 

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
--Philipians 4:6

Updated 3/1:  I've been behaving.  I haven't contacted Human Resources and I'm not planning to.  For someone who has always claimed I don't "hear" God speak to me. . .I need the sky writing, I just can't get over the ways He has been speaking peace and faith into my heart.  Through messages in my inbox and the gift of friends who know Him and breathe His truths into my life, I can say four days later, I am excited to see what exactly God has planned for my life!

It just boggles my mind the way He is revealing himself to me--reminding me if there is a time to act out my faith--it is now!

 Do you see what book in the bible I'm reading in an on line study that I am completing by myself? Some days I get to it and some days I don't--but this week I did and look what the day's verses were about:
John 6:16-21

English Standard Version (ESV)

Jesus Walks on Water

¹⁶ When evening came, his disciples went down to the sea, ¹⁷ got into a boat, and started across the sea to Capernaum. It was now dark, and Jesus had not yet come to them. ¹⁸ The sea became rough because a strong wind was blowing. ¹⁹ When they had rowed about three or four miles,^[a] they saw Jesus walking on the sea and coming near the boat, and they were frightened. ²⁰ But he said to them, “It is I; do not be afraid.” ²¹ Then they were glad to take him into the boat, and immediately the boat was at the land to which they were going.

Jesus walks on water people!!!!!!  I'm just so excited that I had to come back here and share!  

Finally, my daily devotional Wednesday mentioned walking on the water again! This, my friends is NOT a coincidence--it's a theme God is weaving into the fabric of my life to take heart and be still and know than He is God and that my faith will carry me if I believe in Him enough!!!!!

I can not begin to tell anyone how monumental this week has been in my life.  If ever there was a time that I truly felt God speaking truths into my life--it would have to be now.  I write here to encourage you, my friends, my daughters, my sons, that He is ALL you will ever need and do not be discouraged if there are times in your life where you are like, "Hello, God?  I need the skywriting, please.  I need to KNOW." 

If you pray boldly, and consistently He will answer.  It might not be the answer you're expecting or want to hear. . .but He will answer.  Prepare your hearts and minds to receive the words, the promises He has over your life.  Because when you do?  The peace and joy you will feel is amazing!

So We Don't Forget. . .

Back in August (where, oh where did the time go?) Lene Bean had an opportunity to be in a film with the son of Sally Clarkson.  This woman changed it all for me.  I went to my first Mom Heart conference nearly three years ago and I have not been the same since.  I would have NEVER imagined wanting to stay home with my kids.  They were not part of the plan I dreamed for myself years and years ago!  I mean, having kids was part of the plan I hoped for, but my dreams were for me, about me, ALL me.  I was going to be a class act teacher and then effective counselor, working hard, being a name that was recognized locally and then who knew what opportunities would come my way--perhaps a job consulting or as a college instructor.  And that's the track I was on, until I felt a pull to work part time and an opportunity fell into my lap. . .and then I attended a conference and the rest is history!

It was at last years Mom Heart Conference where I first heard of Nathan Clarkson's film venture, Confessions of a Prodigal Son.  He felt called to work in Hollywood as an actor, but was somewhat disappointed with the culture that came with it.  He wrote a film and then went on a mission to get it funded through kickstart.org
We happily backed the project and with it came an opportunity for Lene Bean to have a line in the film.  We didn't know at the time, we would all be cast as extras in the film too.  Truth be told, Nessa was not the happiest of campers in the diner scene as we re shot our scene over and over and over again.  But that is SO real life, people!!!

Everything about it was an adventure.  What an experience to be a part of something with a good, solid group of people.  What a memory for all of us to tuck away in the recesses of our heart and recall from time to time.  And what an opportunity for Lene Bean to see this type of theater in action.  She has always wondered about television and film after so much work on the stage. . .and now she knows.

It's funny, sometimes with her starting sixth grade next year (homeschool?), and me not working, I sometimes think maybe we can pursue it a little. . .but the truth is, if it's God's plan for her, I really believe the doors will open and I don't want to be that pushy, cranky mom fighting the LA traffic for an opportunity that just doesn't fit with how we want to experience life.  But this experience was a grand one for all of us!  I have no idea about the finished project. . .but in time, it will come out and our local peeps can come over for a viewing party.  Wouldn't that be fun?!

Finally, one other event I wanted to always remember was the year our bible study group got our kids together to celebrate Jesus' birthday.  Lene Bean wrote and directed the play, texting the moms the day before to see if the kid's could come up with some sort of a costume.  These kids put on an amazing show, at the park for all of us to see and they really got it.  They KNOW the true meaning of Christmas and they get it.  Made this mama heart proud!

They had pizza and cake.  They made the cutest cupcake ornaments and played games.  It was a glorious day to celebrate the King's birth and I was so proud that they honored Him in that way!

The last picture there filled with pink is to always remember the time Anjalene left the hamster's food open in her closet and we experienced a pantry moth invasion. Super gross.  Super unwanted.  Super work involved in cleaning every nook and cranny of the room and closet, washing every article of clothing included.  Plus the bug bomb for good measure. . .because mama couldn't believe this madness!

And because this becomes a book for the shelves to remember 2013.  The last memory (besides me being yuck sick) is the strength our ten year old showed as she stood up at the front of the church yesterday to say good-bye to her Uncle Dennis.  She even gave him a little stuffed animal--and we who know her well, know how much she still loves her animals.  There was not a dry eye in the house.  And I was reminded of my word for the year: FEARLESS: (from my archives)
Am I ready to see what 2013 has in store for me personally?  Absolutely! Am I praying about what direction our life will head as we venture into the new year and await Ernie's release back into the work force?  Absolutely!  Am I worried at all about what is in store?  Nope.  Not this time.  My 2013 word for the year is: fear{less}.

Not as in no fear ever. . .but as in fear less and proceed through whatever it is knowing this is part of His plan for me.  I have spent many years fearing things: roller coasters, the flu, money crisis, job changes, Ernie's jobs, my children's health, my mom's cancer, displeasing others, disappointing others, and failure (to name a few). But since Ernie's accident, I have been gifted a peace beyond all understanding.  Philipians 4:7 "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."



It blows me away that while I journeyed down the fear{less} path. . .my big girl would be journeying beside me.  I learn from her.  She learns from me.  God's life lessons are so incredibly beautiful that way! 2013, you will be missed but not forgotten!