On Days of Dreams

I had been tossing the idea around in my head to write daily for the month of October.  There were many reasons: it's my birthday month, I love October, and there's a series going on at a blog I visit from time to time.  The goal is to write daily.  Since this is the encouragement I've been giving my writing students, I thought maybe I would commit to doing the same. But me and commitment kind of broke up this year.  Back when I resigned, I made a decision in my head to step back from all my commitments and choose only a couple to focus on.  In the extra activities added to my plate, I was losing a firm grasp on the ones that mattered most: my family.  At the end of the day I was so depleted, I was rushing through bedtime rituals to the sanctuary that is my bedroom.

So I did the thing that had to be done.  Broke up with weekly book club at my house, PTA extra commitments, and all things that were weighing me down.  Even with less, add another kids to the mix and there is definitely more.  So, there comes the dilemma with a daily writing commitment.  I want to say I will do it, but I want the freedom to not do it if life gets in the way.  Me and my goals are kind of wacky like that. I have a difficult time not doing something I say I'm going to do.  End of story.

I'll never forget the first principal who I worked for as a teacher.  We had a little discussion one day before I went off to a job interview at the local academy.  I had only been teaching, maybe two years but my eye was on the counselor job already.  If I didn't rush my plan into action, I felt like I was letting myself down.  She told me something along the lines that, "there are a lot of different paths to get to your goal."  It was just the combination of words that gave myself permission to press pause and enjoy my teaching life just as it was. I've never regretted that decision.  I do believe that was God's plan for my life, to bump me around at all three levels and gain experience while always allowing me the luxury to spend more time at home with the ones who mattered most to me.

Dreams.  They change.  They are different for everybody.  They belong to you.


 "Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today."

James Dean

Friday Freedom

I should be running right now.  My six o'clock date on Friday is waiting patiently as the sun has not shown her pretty face.  The dark is not nearly as inviting.  So I will wait.  And in waiting, it frees me up to focus on capturing some of our most recent adventures here in this tiny space.
Life is grand in the biggest busiest way imaginable.  Four school aged kids brings a whole host of logistical issues on a daily basis.  Who needs to be where: practice, ortho appointments. . .you name it and we do it.

 This week alone there was some disappointment with not making the football team but I'm so happy he tried out.  There was a phone call home from the nurse and then our first visit to Urgent Care for antibiotics.  There was a late night conversation which involved the laptop and looking at grades and sifting through pages in a folder to find a couple missing assignments.  Therefore, this weekend has been proclaimed The Weekend of Organization.  Zeroes are just not permitted in this house.  We have some work to do.
Speaking of work, we meet with our homeschool ES today for the first time.  I'm curious as to how Nessa does.  I've been thinking to put her in afternoon preschool two days a week because the girl is so attached to me now.  I'm already having visions of the first day of kinder and it's a bit unsettling.  There are only six kids in the pm. session so I am considering it.  It would give her a place to go when I teach my writing class too, so maybe.  Just maybe.

Dad celebrated a birthday a week ago.  It's weird but it made me think about my grandparents and how young they were when they died yet how old I was. It is so reversed now.  My parents and my kids are young so I pray for good health and long years of learning from their wisdom.

There's a new member of the family.  Well, not our family exactly but she's close enough to visit often and love her up.

And that cute fourth grader right there made it on student council.  He pursued it and grabbed the honor.  I'm proud of his effort and that he wants to serve his school.

Late one night this week, I got the painting bug.  Mom got this out of the neighbor's trash and I decided to have some fun with it.  I don't think I'm all that creative, but I do have some fun making old things new!  I have a chair that needs my attention next!

Lots of things need my attention, but the people are my more immediate concern.  We are a month into the school year and life is settling in and I'm grateful for this season to be home and fully present with everyone.  Not a day goes by that I don't thank God for these gifts he's given me.

The sun is out now.  But as is our life. . .another kids in the carpool got sick so I need to drive the kids to school today AND our ES comes at nine.  It never ends this balancing act we try to do.  We are moms.  Hear us roar!

School Started

Anjalene: 6th Grade

Jonathan: 4th Grade

Anthony: 8th Grade

Ready. . .Set. . .School!

Janessa: TK

She slept in our first day of school. As a new homeschooling teacher, I completely over-planned.  I need to work at her pace and remember my whole reason for being home with her is to have fun and let the learning take place in a more natural setting.  I have a feeling she will learn the academics she needs for kindergarten and I will learn the patience I need for life.

Comparison Traps Get You Nowhere

I think we just might have some sort of normal here in this house these days.  It's finally feeling like Fall and our routine is down (for the most parts) and life is moving at warp speed in the best possible of ways.  I've been left with smiles many time this week as I've noticed an awakening in Janessa our almost four-year-old.  She has made our family complete and is finally old enough where I feel like she is getting the routine we've tried to have in place for years but before she couldn't sit still long enough. 

Just the other night, E called a family meeting at the dinner table.  I'd love to tell you these are a part of our weekly rituals, but they're not.  We have them from time to time because there is a need to discuss something--and the title "meeting" seems to make the kids pay attention.  On this particular Sunday, E had missed the second football game of the season.  And church.  He has worked continuously for the past three weeks because there is so much work to be done.  He attempted to explain to the kids that he is working so hard right now because we need to prepare for the fact that I may not work at all next year.  Financially he has a number that needs to happen in order for me to walk away.  I get it.  Completely.  The reality is, once I resign another job is not likely to come along until I'm ready to resume full time status which I know for sure will not be for at least three years.

Anyways, questions were flying.  Statements were being made.  Real life hungry discussion was taking place and it was good. So good. . .but Janessa had enough and she started pulling the book we're currently reading at the dinner table.  She was pounding her little fist saying, "Read this.  Read this."  She didn't care who read it.  She just wanted it read now.  And I couldn't help but be filled with such happiness because for the first time--I realized she knew our family routine.  She was a part of the words being read and looked forward to the grace lessons that were doled out through poems and short stories at the end of each meal.  For a really long time I fought a storm raging inside my own heart.  I craved my man to lead us, to be our spiritual leader and I had a ton of ideas as to what this would look like.

But then a friend sent me this and seriously everything changed.  I began to be thankful for a husband who worked hard for my stay at home mom dream to come true.  I noticed the random times he called a family meeting and how he facilitated it.  I laughed out loud as he read silly poems from our after dinner book.  I noticed that although he didn't spout off bible verses, he usually read bible stories at bed with the younger two.  I discovered he listened to 99.5, a local Christian radio station on his commutes.  I acknowledged the way he willingly let me do what I thought was best in terms of teaching our kids about their faith.  And I stopped comparing him to other dads.  And loved him for who he is to us.

That has made ALL the difference!

October 3, 2012

Today I want to remember this eager face who wakes and asks if she's going to school to see her friends.  Wednesdays have become our Parent Participation Pre-school days, and we are exactly one month in.  She loves going.  She loves choosing her own shoes.  Today's selection?  Her Disney princess light up boots--without socks.

Today, I must document the fact that there was not one minute I glanced at the clock or door eager to leave because of my angel girl's bad behavior.  Bad behavior, mostly involves, not wanting to stop "free play" to do carpet time.  This loathing of carpet time has for the last three weeks meant a grudging attitude, a desire to be picked up and held instead of participating, or hiding her face on the rug as an act of defiance. . .you can not make me do this.  Those moments have made me mostly embarrassed.  I know all moms struggle, but when it's me with my child--in public--it just feels...wrong.  I want so badly to do it right. . .and I fail again, and again, and again.

Today was filled with glimpses of pure light in what has felt like some dark days.  September was the first time, in Janessa's two year old life that I was left alone, completely alone with her as the big kids are off at school.  I have said it before, and I will say it again...staying home to raise my children is a lot more difficult than I ever imagined.  I have a newfound respect for those that have always done it, for those who can't do it, for those that want to do it.  There is nothing easy about being home with them, just as there is nothing easy about working and being away from them.  Either way, motherhood is just hard.  Plain and simple.

But today, she picked out her boots, she participated in rug time AND I deliberately didn't put her down for a nap, and she was asleep easily by 7:40.  All three beautiful gifts to this tired mama.

Sidenote:  I just read my post from yesterday.  God's goodness never ceases to amaze me. 

October 1, 2012

This was the weekend for relaxation and togetherness! The house was clean, and some projects we've been wanting to do we just let sit. We just enjoyed being home together.  We watched a couple movies that were phenomenal: October Baby  and The Fifth Quarter.  Both had us in tears. . .puddles.  Both with such beautiful stories of redemption, forgiveness, and motivation driven from tragedy--both families faithful in their walks with the Lord.  We loved watching every minute and felt a real connection with The Fifth Quarter, having lost my cousin Scott to a traumatic brain injury.  The Donate Life group that was mentioned in the film was the same organization that was used to harvest many of his organs to bless others in need.  If you like football and a beautiful family story of overcoming. . .you should see this!  we only left the house long enough to attend church. . .it was that kind of beautiful day!

This guy had a double header on Sunday. Two hours of back to back football games and it was HOT!  This little Cougar scored a touchdown out of nowhere.  The boy is fast!  Their team won both games which makes them 4-0 this season!

We've been back to our business of attending our Catholic church for mass and going to a Presbyterian church for their awesome Homebuilders class they have.  After we checked the kids out of their classes this morning, the nine year old said, "Mom, Holy Name has to have more classes to let us learn about the bible.  That's what is missing there."  Sigh. . .  We really are doing our best, and just when I feel comfortable and committed to the journey we are on, the wisdom of a little girl makes me question, are we messing them up? Should we just choose one?

The good news is, Ernie and I are both on the same page so I'm not going to question it too much. . .for now.  We feel like we are in a good place of teaching the kids about the faith they were baptized in and we are being nurtured in the community in which we seek to not be alone in our imperfect parenting journey.  There is something so uplifting to hear that even families who have raised their kids completely in the church and poured over them with prayer, still have real, every day problems to contend with.  That feels real.  That openness makes me feel not alone.  That is real community.  I am feeling very blessed and rejuvenated as we roll into a new week. . .

September 15, 2012

I may or may not be behind on my blogging.  The construction zone, also known as our house has been a busy work in progress.  Trying to keep an almost three-year-old confined to the upstairs is only easy during nap time.  So, blogging has taken a back seat as I still search for that weekly rhythm that Fall usually brings.  I think we are almost there.  Almost.

A couple weeks ago my mom and I ventured to take Janessa and her cousin to the Chino Youth Museum.  It is the perfect place for little ones who love the land of make believe.  They both spent a lot of time in the play house and at the Farmer's Market toting pretend food to the table and fridge.  My nephew loved going in and out of the kid-sized doors at the front of each new play area.  I think he liked that even more than what the actual play rooms provided!

It's hard to believe that days like this could be numbered as the decision looms whether to send her off to preschool in the Winter or wait until the Fall of next year.  These days together make me long for more of them.  I've never been home before like this. It is such a blessing to hold her hand and journey through these beautiful days of life together!

September 4, 2012

“…Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” --Matthew 11:28-29 

I had grand plans this weekend: days and nights together as a family with no outside obligations, painting the bed in our room, picking out the flooring for the kitchen, and a trip to the grocery store, maybe. None of that happened as I was laid up in bed with some allergy/sinus/achiness thing going on.  So I had to rest.

Rest I did.  But here's the thing: rest is not easy to come by these days.  In a world that is rushing, bobbing, and weaving with activities, anxiety, and altercation--rest does not come easily for most.  Even as I felt my body giving in to the sickness earlier in the week, it was hard for me to stop and just be.  I did so on one afternoon, lying in my bed. I watched the tree waving in the wind, but my mind wandered to my to do list and I could not rest easily.

As much as I love the Fall season, it always comes with a to-do list that seems to be a mile long.  For some reason, my smart self felt compelled to take on a little more since I'm only working one day a week.  I may only be working outside of the home one day a week now, but the job is new and my dedication the same.  I have new material to learn, lessons to create, and a routine that I have to get under my belt so my job partnership works.  Then there's the class I volunteered to teach at the church one day a week because I can't complain about a lack of community when I'm not reaching and stretching to find my place in this place: my home church for most of my life. And then there's some PTA stuff at the kid's school I  signed up for, mommy and me starts next Wednesday, imoms on Friday. . .and football season--Bubba's schedule is still an unknown.  There are allergists, orthodontists and orthopedists appointments, and the list goes on and on and on.

As much as we have simplified so that each child is only in one activity one day a week, we do have three children living at home. Sigh. Just writing it all out here, I can see why God slowed me down this weekend.  I can rest in the knowledge that He, in His infinite wisdom knows just what I need--even when I am to busy to notice.  So, this weekend didn't turn out to be what I thought it would. But it refueled me for the weeks ahead, it slowed me down enough to remember who I serve, it reminded that the Sabbath day is supposed to be a day of rest.  Maybe this little family needs to re-examine how we do that.  Do it a little bit better.  Perhaps.

Until then, grateful for a husband that was able to pick up all the slack this weekend!  Grateful for a God who paints masterpieces like this for us to enjoy!

August 24, 2012

I need this poster in our classroom.  Just another gift from my daily cosmic postcard.  I am tapped out this week: overtired, and not able to string together more than a couple sentences.  Thankful for the weekend--no where we have to be, nothing we have to do.  Just gracious for the opportunity to be. 

August 21, 2012

A new school year is upon us!  We have a fourth grader and a second grader in the house now.  They started school the same day I headed back to work--and I was sad about that.  I've never missed the first day pick up!  God knew the worries of my heart--and Ernie's job was cancelled, which meant he was home for drop off and pick up both days I had to work this week.

The kids woke up eager to head off to their new classes.  They were thrilled with their teachers, as was I!  They became even more thrilled when they saw who their classmates were.  I was thrilled with the mix of kids they are surrounded by.  Most are familiar to me and I know the parents of.  I have a feeling that it is going to be a great year for them!

I was sad not to hear the happenings of the day when they were dismissed--but dad was there. They didn't even call me. . .and I was sad about that. Not gonna lie.  But I'm happy they had daddy to share their excitement with. As usual, the first day homework was more for me than them with a ton of papers to fill out. . .and then I met my new sixth graders today.  It was a minimum day and I am beat and so thankful for this job share opportunity but not used to not being a step ahead of the game as far as my planning is concerned.  Eventually, I will get there, but this transition is rough!!

In other good news, Ernie's job was cancelled again so day three we are off together.  What a treat!  Another treat?  He worked on math homework with the fourth grader today.  Grimace.  We have very different methods. . .but it was nice to come home and not have to do it!! 

I am seriously beat and I need some time to sit down and plan, revamp some lessons, and just relax.  Working one day a week is a blessing but it also means letting go of some of the ownership and being flexible and going with the flow--I'm not the best at that sometimes.  This year will be an adventure; a gift; an opportunity to be more involved in my own kid's schooling; a stretching of my own teaching ability as I work with special ed students who are fully included in the regular ed classroom setting. 

Hoping and praying for a successful school year for all of us.  And feeling blessed by my husband's presence the past two days.  Looking forward to hanging out and relaxing together tomorrow!

November 28, 2011

Our Thanksgiving was quite eventful this year.

My mother-in-law has been hospitalized for the past three years in a facility that was in Northern California. Recently she was moved closer which meant we were able to spend the holiday with her.

She was able to meet the baby and join my immediate family for Thanksgiving dinner.

We have so much to be thankful for. . .

 Reuniting with family and reconnecting.

 Pretty centerpieces made with love by Grandma Ray and a great feast!

 Family members home for the holidays...hopefully permanently. B, how we have missed you!

 Feasting with the family.

 Game time with the cousins.

and a little hint of the season that is to come...compliments of Nina and Nino.

My father-in-law thought the verse he saw around my house was funny.

He kept asking me is I was really evil.

I try not to be...but the potential exists...

"Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips. Do not incline me to any evil thing."--Psalm 141:3-4

Words to live by this holiday season--especially during this time of Advent and waiting--

bombarded with things to get done in order to have the perfect holiday.

Perfect is that baby Jesus lying in a manager.

He is the perfect holiday.

Let us live each holy day appreciating the perfection that He is.

November 25, 2011

Insta-Friday

Dead battery in my cousin's car on our way to dinner.

Been looking at plenty of pictures from the baby's two year photo shoot.

At what age must I stop calling her baby?

Just wondering. . .

Plenty of park days on our week off.

Enjoyed each one immensely.

Grandma decorated everything so festive for our Thanksgiving celebration!

Now I need to get back to the family.

My Mother-in-Law is visiting and she leaves this afternoon.

Just a quick glimpse of our happenings this week.

Now on to planning for the baby's birthday Sunday!!

November 16, 2011

Wordless Wednesday

16.  Today I am thankful for the simple play of them jumping in the leafs.  

I'm not sure who enjoyed it more--them jumping, or me watching.