October 3, 2012

Today I want to remember this eager face who wakes and asks if she's going to school to see her friends.  Wednesdays have become our Parent Participation Pre-school days, and we are exactly one month in.  She loves going.  She loves choosing her own shoes.  Today's selection?  Her Disney princess light up boots--without socks.

Today, I must document the fact that there was not one minute I glanced at the clock or door eager to leave because of my angel girl's bad behavior.  Bad behavior, mostly involves, not wanting to stop "free play" to do carpet time.  This loathing of carpet time has for the last three weeks meant a grudging attitude, a desire to be picked up and held instead of participating, or hiding her face on the rug as an act of defiance. . .you can not make me do this.  Those moments have made me mostly embarrassed.  I know all moms struggle, but when it's me with my child--in public--it just feels...wrong.  I want so badly to do it right. . .and I fail again, and again, and again.

Today was filled with glimpses of pure light in what has felt like some dark days.  September was the first time, in Janessa's two year old life that I was left alone, completely alone with her as the big kids are off at school.  I have said it before, and I will say it again...staying home to raise my children is a lot more difficult than I ever imagined.  I have a newfound respect for those that have always done it, for those who can't do it, for those that want to do it.  There is nothing easy about being home with them, just as there is nothing easy about working and being away from them.  Either way, motherhood is just hard.  Plain and simple.

But today, she picked out her boots, she participated in rug time AND I deliberately didn't put her down for a nap, and she was asleep easily by 7:40.  All three beautiful gifts to this tired mama.

Sidenote:  I just read my post from yesterday.  God's goodness never ceases to amaze me. 

July 23, 2012

I must say, this past weekend was just what I needed to drop kick that slump I was in to the curb and get back my positive thinking.  We headed out to the beach on Saturday and had a blast.  I forgot my camera, but I was actively engaged in imprinting those moments on my heart.  I needed the fresh ocean air, the bright sun, and the laughter and playfulness that God's beautiful creation offers.  This house we live in has been stifling me.  It was hard enough to entertain the idea of moving, and yet it is hard now to grasp that we could be staying.  I've just been feasting on truths about God's plan and promises, and the fact that our current house in this neighborhood has been our own mini mission field.  And I am fine with that.  It's just this waiting has been killing me. . .

Sunday after church, I worked inside freshening up a few things, and bringing back those little touches that make our home what it is to us.  And it felt good.  It felt necessary.  It felt freeing.  We might still be waiting on an answer, but you would never know.  Weekend happenings uplifted us.  We got an added bonus: E got the day off of work today.  We are off for some more fun adventure.  Together.  Because this is what summer is all about!

July 20, 2012

Still waiting. . .and feeling kind of blah about it.  All of us are really.  But then the wisdom of our nine-year-old snaps me back to reality.  After apologizing for snapping at her over something insignificant, I tried to explain that I'm just irritated with the whole house thing.  With wide eyes, she shrugged her shoulders saying, "We're fine if we stay.  We're fine if we go. God's plan, not ours."  And then she ran off.

A good friend, text me this reminder on Wednesday, with Romans 8:²⁸ And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. I know this truth but what a sweet reminder it served as another long day passed by with no clear answer.  Today I had to force myself out of the house for awhile with the kids, a Seeds CD 
was playing in the car and wouldn't you know track 9 just happened to be the above mentioned passage.  Coincidence?  No, God. Then as I sat in the left turn lane to enter the freeway. . .the one that runs right behind the new house--I saw this:

 And I chuckled as I pointed it out to the kids, thinking--ain't that the truth?  There are plenty of lessons in this whole wait and see process.  Ultimately I have to keep in the front of my mind that God's plan for our family is what it is--and whether or not we get the house, we are still going to be fine.  With God by our side, we will actually be even better than fine.  And that's good enough for me.