Faith Finds Me

I have a ton to document about our trip.  I was putting it off until my first full week with my kindergartener having a longer school day. . .but as fate would have it, things changed.  I received a call Monday morning that E had hurt himself.  He called me, so I didn't panic.  He went in a car to Urgent Care, big difference from being in the ambulance three years ago.  My mind didn't wander to the worst possible scenario.  I simply waited to see what I was told.

Fast forward to the next day when we met with a specialist.  His pectoralis muscle was torn completely away from the bone, so surgery is the only way to fix it.  The doctor looked somber as he answered Ernie's questions and gave him the prognosis of being out of works for months.  Ernie looked grim too, as the news sunk in.  But I was simply at peace.

My mind focused on the fact that he was alive and this is completely fixable.  I even texted a couple friends saying, "I'm sure glad I like him so much, looks like the second honeymoon continues."  And the thing is, I meant it.  For the first time in probably forever, I didn't stress about finances or the future.  I was thankful it wasn't worse, and I just knew God would provide.

I went to the car as E waited for the referral.  It took forever, so eventually I walked back in.  He told me the doctor had called him back and wanted to know if he was willing to travel for surgery.  He wanted to get E back to normal as soon as possible and was willing to do what he could to make it happen.  Ernie was rejuvenated.  He looked hopeful as they sent us off to a local hospital for an MRI.  Once there, we realized he had forgotten his wallet, but God worked out the details and he was still able to be seen.  Then an hour into the MRI, there was an emergency and they needed to stop his session.  Ernie was able to get them to put him back in the tube only a half an hour later.  Again, God completely at work!

Even this morning, Ernie and the doctor had both already put calls in to get the surgery on the road.  We are kind of at a stall,  but it's okay.  Even if the surgery doesn't happen until
October 7th (like they're saying). . .my fortieth birthday, I'm planning on enjoying every minute the two of us have together!  It seems faith has finally found me.  All will be well.  I'm sure of it, no matter how long it takes.  In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy full, long days of one on one time with my husband.  What a gift!

#1 of 15 in 2015

As the white space has increased out of sheer desperation for a life well lived, phrases and quotes scream out to me as I stumble upon them in my wandering.  This weeks's chapter about Mary's endurance made me reflect on: am I praying about it more than I am talking about it?  I love when the Holy Spirit speaks to me.  I love when I am still and quiet enough to hear him!  This statement alone, gave me pause and I have committed my person to prayer, rather than speaking of the situation he or she is involved in.

In my Love God Greatly, morning email study, led by a dear friend, this sentence screamed at me from my inbox.  I had been pursuing satisfaction from the world instead of finding sufficiency in my Savior.  How long was that my truth?  I'm so thankful to God for seeing the error of my ways, for turning my gaze upon Him instead and His filling me with unspeakable joy to live a well intentioned life.  I'm grateful he shifted my focus and redefined my idea of success.  Raising kingdom kids could be my greatest achievement ever.  This is enough!  And it's a reminder I need often because I tend to backslide in my thoughts, that I have to have a job to contribute monetarily to our family.

Ann Voskamp, of a Holy Experience caught me with. . ."And because the way you live your ordinary days is what adds up to your one extraordinary life, "  All of these mundane moments counts.  Every. Single. One.  These moments are intricately woven together to make the fabric of my life.  Just as I was knitted together in my mother's womb, and God knew the plans He had for me from the start, every moment matters in the totality of my life.  And my one desire is to live it well and to live it for HIm, raising children who will continue the mission.

In other news, I have committed myself to 15 date nights for 2015.  Due to babysitting, nights out alone are super hard to come by, but this year the kids are older and we have to do it for us.  We need to stay connected.  We need to stay focused on the child raising.  We need to be in constant prayer about the journey. . .together.  So last night, we kicked off our first date with a Mighty Ducks hockey game.  It was a shut out, with great seats we were gifted from a friend and we had a nice time together.  The drive to and from was filled with conversation and I'm so thankful for my husband who is willing to invest in this marriage as much as I am.

Date #1 of 15 in 2015

Let's Get Two Things Straight

 First off, I have never worn a strapless dress in my whole life.  Never.  That being said, having worn it and after receiving many compliments, I knew I needed to document it.  Girls, if you're reading this--it took me thirty-seven years to feel comfortable in my own skin and find a dress that didn't have me busting out at the top (pun intended).

Second, the love I have for this guy just keeps growing.  Be it beside me at the table, on the dance floor, in the car. . .wherever we are, whatever day it is I just give thanks.  To be at a wedding and to know that we've committed to not only inviting Jesus to the wedding--we've invited Him to the marriage has made all the difference. And that face?  So handsome.

Third, (because girls are allowed to change their minds), nothing beats a night out than spending time with friends you treasure.  Time doesn't allow us to do this as often as we would like, but being with people who know you, who get you, who've been a part of your life since your roots were planted in this place are the makings for a perfect evening.

Comparison Traps Get You Nowhere

I think we just might have some sort of normal here in this house these days.  It's finally feeling like Fall and our routine is down (for the most parts) and life is moving at warp speed in the best possible of ways.  I've been left with smiles many time this week as I've noticed an awakening in Janessa our almost four-year-old.  She has made our family complete and is finally old enough where I feel like she is getting the routine we've tried to have in place for years but before she couldn't sit still long enough. 

Just the other night, E called a family meeting at the dinner table.  I'd love to tell you these are a part of our weekly rituals, but they're not.  We have them from time to time because there is a need to discuss something--and the title "meeting" seems to make the kids pay attention.  On this particular Sunday, E had missed the second football game of the season.  And church.  He has worked continuously for the past three weeks because there is so much work to be done.  He attempted to explain to the kids that he is working so hard right now because we need to prepare for the fact that I may not work at all next year.  Financially he has a number that needs to happen in order for me to walk away.  I get it.  Completely.  The reality is, once I resign another job is not likely to come along until I'm ready to resume full time status which I know for sure will not be for at least three years.

Anyways, questions were flying.  Statements were being made.  Real life hungry discussion was taking place and it was good. So good. . .but Janessa had enough and she started pulling the book we're currently reading at the dinner table.  She was pounding her little fist saying, "Read this.  Read this."  She didn't care who read it.  She just wanted it read now.  And I couldn't help but be filled with such happiness because for the first time--I realized she knew our family routine.  She was a part of the words being read and looked forward to the grace lessons that were doled out through poems and short stories at the end of each meal.  For a really long time I fought a storm raging inside my own heart.  I craved my man to lead us, to be our spiritual leader and I had a ton of ideas as to what this would look like.

But then a friend sent me this and seriously everything changed.  I began to be thankful for a husband who worked hard for my stay at home mom dream to come true.  I noticed the random times he called a family meeting and how he facilitated it.  I laughed out loud as he read silly poems from our after dinner book.  I noticed that although he didn't spout off bible verses, he usually read bible stories at bed with the younger two.  I discovered he listened to 99.5, a local Christian radio station on his commutes.  I acknowledged the way he willingly let me do what I thought was best in terms of teaching our kids about their faith.  And I stopped comparing him to other dads.  And loved him for who he is to us.

That has made ALL the difference!

A New Normal

On a day that I thought would bring normal back. . .I am realizing a new normal is what I must mentally prepare myself for.  E showed up for work this morning only to be laid off.  They laid off thirty guys on Monday and his return was met with the same fate.  Ironically enough, this company is the same one he was laid off for almost three months a couple years ago.  The good news is now that he is a journeyman he can decline jobs that are too far away and just keep signing the books until something closer opens up.  The apprenticeship program no longer has to dictate where he goes and for how long.  As my friend shared their quote for the year, "Always see the good. . ." I may need to borrow this one for our household!

In choosing to see the good, and be fear{less} I'm not thinking too far ahead or worrying.  It is what it is, and for us right now that means more time with my man.  Just this summer, weren't we feeling like our time with him was fleeting?  Long hours and long drives had set us up for missing his physical presence and to actually be. . .dare I say, used to it?  I don't want any type of normal to be doing life without him.  Wasn't I reminded of how fragile life can be when his accident happened; what's some more time to spend with the man that I love? A blessing.

So today, I kick those old voices to the curb.  I choose joy.  I choose to count this moment as an opportunity, a gift. And I better go, because we have a walk to take.

November 25, 2012

I will give to the LORD the thanks due to His righteousness. ~Psalm 7:17 

I will give thanks to your name, O LORD, for it is good. ~Psalm 54:6 

I give thanks to you, O Lord my God, with my whole heart, and I will glorify Your name forever. ~Psalm 86:12 

Oh give thanks to the LORD, for He is good, for His steadfast love endures forever! ~Psalm 107:1

I give You thanks, O LORD, with my whole heart; ~Psalm 138:1

With Thanksgiving behind us, I can't help but relish in its meaning.  I feel stuck in a place of gratitude and I know there is a good reason for it!!  Through the course of this past week, I have not been able to grasp this miracle that is our God.  In the past two years, I have grown so much in my walk with Him and developed a relationship with Him that is deeply personal and our own, but now?  I feel like I just really know Him. Which just seems strange, as He has been there all along.  He carried me through my mom's bout with breast cancer, deaths, and births. . .but now?  It's like I feel his realness deep into my heart, my soul.

For the longest time, I've heard people give their testimonies and wondered what the heck mine was. I was born and raised Catholic, went to Catholic school, went on retreats, went to church sporadically, have always known my God is there for me.  So what is this testimony people stand up and talk about?  Why can't I place my finger on what mine is?

Testimony:  an open acknowledgment; b. a public profession of religious experience.

And today it hit me.  THIS is my testimony. Not the miracle of how my husband is still alive to love on longer. . .that is his.  Mine is that moment of peace as Janessa and I prayed on our way to the car.  The echoing in my head that, "  He is good, He is good, He is good. . ."  No matter what happens, He is good.  Although it sounds morbid to say aloud, morbid to write here in this familiar space, my brain went to that place what if he dies?  And in that moment I was filled with peace.   
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.--Philippians 4:7

THAT is my testimony.  And the more I share my experience aloud, the more I know this is it.  The more I am in awe of what  an awesome God He is.  The more I realize my walk with Him and the relationship we've developed was getting me ready for that moment.  That moment was my true awakening that He is all he says He is. And my heart continues to swell with gratitude. . .God has filled it so much, that there is no room for anything else. One day Ernie will return to work.  I am confident that God will continue to fill me up where there is no room for worry or anxiousness. He has this.  I know that now.  

Ernie's surgeries are over.  They had to do a skin graft with skin from his right thigh.  He said that was more painful than the burns to his hands.  He is still hospitalized until probably Tuesday--Janessa's third birthday: )  He is in good spirits.  He will talk to his employer tomorrow to recap what happened the day of the accident.  He was doing something he has done many times before, but he had taken off his gloves to pick up a tool which happened to be the conductor and the 7200 volts passed through him because electricity is always looking for the easiest place to ground.  Make sense?  Not really to me neither. . .One day, maybe he will share all the events leading up to that moment--His testimony, if you will.

Now we just work on getting his hands healed.  He can't work for at least a month, could be longer.  Time will tell. For now, I plan on looking at my one day a week work status as an extra blessing as we have time to spend together, doing things to prepare our hearts for Christmas, to revel in our miracle a little longer!

God is good.  All the time.