John Michael

Grief has this way of sneaking up on you. There is nothing linear about it. In the weeks after I started taking baby steps out in to the world again, I would find myself confused by the world around me. How did it go on? Didn't anyone know I just lost my Mom? I was viewing all things through glass. Nothing was clear. I wasn't an active participant. In the days following her funeral, my body was depleted. She gave out on me and I finally let myself succumb to the sickness and all I wanted was for her white Prius to pull up with a home made soup delivery. It didn't matter what kind, all of her soups were winners, and I never took the time to learn how. I always assumed we had more time. . .and then we didn't.

My birthday was six days after she passed away. I woke up to the smell of smoke which I automatically assumed was her barbecue. It flickered comfort for a second. I also hadn't listened to my voice mails, hoping I had one of her singing Happy Birthday to me. I always tried to answer those calls. If she wasn't the first call of the day, I was disappointed. I had come to expect the woman who brought me into the world, would also sing and welcome me to the gift of another year first and foremost. I cried my eyes out when the very first message I played was her singing. While family and friends showed up that night to celebrate, it is a blur. 

Twenty-four days later, I would venture out to a friend's house to celebrate with an intimate dinner with five of my friends from church. I had Ernie drop me off that night. Driving took energy I didn't want to waste. I remember I walked through her door, and the candles were lit, the food smelled delicious, the environment was warm and calming. I had an instant feeling of relief instead of anxiety. This felt almost normal. I felt so loved. My friends were arriving. There were hugs and check ins with each other, and then my phone rang. It had barely been a few minutes since I was dropped off, but my husband was calling, so I answered it.

He told me that he didn't want me to worry, and immediately my heart dropped. My voice raised. My friend's voices got quiet as everyone watched me. I remember that clearly. I think someone put their hands on my back. All I know is my hands were on my mouth, as my husband told me my 44-year-old brother who had taken his boys on a hunting trip had been in an accident. I was trying to remember to breathe. I wanted to go home, but he told me I was in the best place and to stay and pray. We did. I remember clearly thinking, "There is no way God would do this to my family." I then called my sister in law who was crying, but who also told me my brother was moving and talking, and I know I felt some peace. He was going to be okay. I just knew it. We sat around the table, I tried to eat. We talked a bit...about what I can not even remember. But then the hosts face changed as she noticed someone coming up to the door. She asked if we were expecting anyone.

It was my husband, and I knew in my heart before he even said, "We had to go." I don't remember if I crumpled under the weight of his words, but even today it still feels like it, so I expect I did. I could not cry. My friends cried for me. I could not breathe. I fell apart. I could not comprehend that this could even happen. How in only twenty-four days did my life as I knew it, cease to exist?  My brother, my first friend.  Polar opposites, but the only one who shared our growing up experience with me. Simply gone.

Answering the Call

It never ceases to amaze me the way God works such miracles into our lives.  A taste of tragic or trouble surrounded by an outpouring of love and support from mere acquaintances, has literally transformed the trajectory of how we are choosing to do life.  Ernie and I have committed to not only our marriage, but raising our children in the faith.  But we will be the first to admit, we have struggled in terms of our church community. We have felt a longing for something more, but could never put our fingers on it.  And in the wake of his accident, we have tried other churches and for whatever reason, we keep going back to our home.  This is not to say, that the search is over but the longing has been quieted because we've both felt a deeper calling, a stirring in our hearts that can only be explained as the holy spirit.

A weekly coffee date with a new friend, morphed into a book club, morphed into a Moms in Prayer/book club, morphed into a Good Morning Girls group in which we are all holding each other accountable to digging deep into God's word.  For some of the women this is a tentative baby step into a book that may have been considered intimidating.  For others it is an extension of sharing and growing the wisdom they've been tucking into their hearts over a deep, meaningful relationship with the Lord over a long period of time.  For me, it is simply an honor to be a part of.

This group of ten women (including myself) have absolutely stopped me in my tracks. I never in my wildest dreams could have wished for a group of like-minded faithful women from my kid's public school to share life with.  THIS is what I have been searching for.  THEY are God's gift to me in this season of life.  Amazing.  Awe-inspiring.  Humbling.  Beautiful.  Blessing, upon blessing, upon blessing!

And at the same time, Ernie is walking down a new path--finding fellowship with mere strangers whose commonality is Christ.  They covered chapter two in their book and he came home and read me some parts he underlined.  I could barely contain my excitement for his excitement.  God is so faithful.  I have known this to be true yet I am reminded again.  Seek and ye shall find--Matthew 7:7

Just yesterday he told me he was going to take the next call he received.  Unemployed for only a week, he decided he needed to get back in the saddle wherever the job may be.  His first call he declined was Blythe.  The second, Nevada.  I braced myself, with such a peacefulness about me.  I didn't worry or wonder where.  I felt a bit of sadness as I've grown accustomed to having us home together and a hint of remorse that working far away would mean the book club wouldn't be possible.  But that passed quickly as I realized he may continue to read and grow on his own.  Besides, I've been praying for two years now that he would rise up and lead us, even though it wasn't until the accident that I think I actually meant it. . .I don't know why I thought God wouldn't know. . .

Anyways, this morning, Ernie got the call. And I cry as I type this because God is so faithful.  God sees it all.  He knows everything about this heart of mine and now in the course of two months, not only did he spare my husband's life but he gifted him a job a mere twenty-five minutes away. . .with every other Friday off!!!!!!  I am so filled with wonder and praise this week.  I am growing by leaps and bound as I share Christ-centered relationships with new people both in my school Good Morning Girls group and my oldies but goodies who have been with me over the past two years.  Not to mention the special person who I lunched with today who paid me such a high compliment as needing to talk to someone who had a deep faith as she proceeded to share what was on her heart.  Such a WOW week!  Overflowing with a full heart of gratitude, that is who I am this week.  Blessed.

December 6, 2012

Six days into the month of December and I've got nothing, except a very full plate.  It seems my health is on the mend--I'm finally feeling better but then a tooth decided to abscess.  It will get taken care of tomorrow. . .sigh.  A week ago tomorrow, I got a call that my right hand woman during Ernie's ordeal had broken her shoulder.  It is painful and my mom is not used to not being on the go.  Should make for an interesting six to eight weeks. My poor mom: (

In better news: Ernie got the thumbs up to drive.  My chauffeuring days are over (thank God).  I'm going to let him get right back in the hang of things by letting him drive to Janessa's appointment with her orthopedist tomorrow at UCLA.  Another long car drive, I'm sure she is going to love it.  I kid. . .Also, Ernie will start some occupational therapy next week closer to home!!  He also was fitted for some compression gloves--these he will need to wear for six months to a year to help with the graphs staying smooth. . .He is looking so good he may be able to return to light duty in the next two weeks or so. . .God is GOOD!

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas over here.  The decorations are minimal , but it feels good to be so centered on Christ's birth and joyfully giving versus trying to make everything look so perfect.  Because let's face it:  no matter how hard I try, perfect doesn't exist.  I'm at this point where my life is a perfect, beautiful disaster.  And I'm thanking God for it.  All of it. Seriously.  My heart still overflows with gratitude because He knows what I can handle and He is good to dole it out a little at a time so I don't become completely and totally unglued.  I may have had a moment where I cried to my mom, but it was just a moment and the day wore on in all its glory.  A meal was delivered for dinner every night this week, and my dad made one of the drives to LA where I got to be a passenger, and people helped out in getting my kids since my mom can't. . .and I may have conversed with a couple friends from my internet bible study world who showed their realness and  lent an ear or a dish, or a prayer. . . blessing, upon blessing, upon blessing, I tell you!

And as the Christmas season approaches, I just want to be still and feel His presence in my life.  I want to hear Him speak words of life and love so I can then utter them to others.  I want to do--because that is what love does.  Tis the season to put it in action.  Love.  

We've written to Santa, decorated envelopes to pass out to the needy, colored nativity scenes to deliver to homes that display them in their front yards, strung lights in a certain boy's bedroom because he was disappointed daddy couldn't get outside to hang them this year. We're reading and discussing our Advent devotional from Dayspring and counting down the days until Christmas with a fun little activity and random acts of kindness.  We made Christmas bark with friends, our nativity set gets played with and moved about daily, and our advent wreath is lit after dinner each night to reflect and enjoy.

And it's only December 6th.  Most importantly, we are together.  We may have had a rough November. . .a couple bumps in the road, but we will always remember the miracles that transformed us during this season of waiting for the celebration of His birth.  We are blessed. 

November 29, 2012

It finally happened. . .with all the stress of the last week, my body succumbed to either a cold or a sinus infection.  The last two days have had me with droopy, achy eyes, a runny nose,  a dry cough, and an achy body. . .but this pales in comparison to what we could have been dealing with due to Ernie's accident.

He is home now, and we ventured to Los Angeles yet again to have his bandages removed.  The skin grafts took and now we just hydrate with vitamin E, and keep clipping off the skin as it lifts.  He still can't drive or lift heavy objects or apply too much pressure to his hands, but he is definitely on the mend! Praise be to God!

I was struck with a thought about community as we drove home from the hospital today.  As much as I am trying to become more a part of our church community, the truth of the matter is: our church is big--so big in fact that not many people probably know about Ernie's accident nor his injuries.  Probably none know how exhausting the daily commute was.  Nor do they know how my kids were bounced from grandparents to friends as I trekked out to see my husband on a daily basis.  To be fair, I didn't call anybody at our church.  I mean, really, I don't even know who you would call--I show up to teach my class on Wednesday nights and church on Sunday morning--there's not a whole lot of "community building" in between.  Do I fault my church?  Do I fault myself?  Shoulder shrug.  I simply don't know.

Then there is our school community.  The places where two of our children go to school, a community we have belonged to now for five years.  It has been a community in the making as well. Contributing to this community didn't come naturally to me--but luckily a year ago, the PTA president asked for my help with something and I accepted which led to other opportunities to help and serve.  Since then, both Ernie and I have joined the school's technology committee to help ensure our kids have access to what other schools in the district have.  It has been a blessing to get to know the parents of the children who attend school with our children.

Fast forward to the accident. . .when I finally had my wits about me to write and share the miracle we had experienced, one mom took that as an opportunity to organize and bless us with nightly meals.  These women and men who have stepped up to bless us have been lifesavers.  After the second night of meals the seven year old said, "Mom, why are they bringing us food?  YOUR hands aren't hurt."  Astute observation, too true.  But someone understood the daily commute, the stress, the disorder that felt like our life and did something about it.  We are all extremely grateful for that.

What it has done for me specifically, is open my eyes to the fact that my "community" is wherever Jesus is in action. Any time we have the opportunity to serve and shine Jesus' light, even if it seems insignificant.  Do it.  Purpose to lend a hand when you can.  A trip to the grocery store, walking a kid to school, a meal, babysitting, making a cake, stopping by, it doesn't matter what you do. JUST DO SOMETHING.

The only way to build community is by loving in action.  Love like Jesus did.  Serve like Jesus did.  Pray like Jesus did. . .and do it all in gratitude for the blessings he has bestowed in your own life.  Be His hands and feet.  Do something.  Anything.  Serve.
Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.  Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit.  serve the Lord."--Romans 12:10-11

November 25, 2012

I will give to the LORD the thanks due to His righteousness. ~Psalm 7:17 

I will give thanks to your name, O LORD, for it is good. ~Psalm 54:6 

I give thanks to you, O Lord my God, with my whole heart, and I will glorify Your name forever. ~Psalm 86:12 

Oh give thanks to the LORD, for He is good, for His steadfast love endures forever! ~Psalm 107:1

I give You thanks, O LORD, with my whole heart; ~Psalm 138:1

With Thanksgiving behind us, I can't help but relish in its meaning.  I feel stuck in a place of gratitude and I know there is a good reason for it!!  Through the course of this past week, I have not been able to grasp this miracle that is our God.  In the past two years, I have grown so much in my walk with Him and developed a relationship with Him that is deeply personal and our own, but now?  I feel like I just really know Him. Which just seems strange, as He has been there all along.  He carried me through my mom's bout with breast cancer, deaths, and births. . .but now?  It's like I feel his realness deep into my heart, my soul.

For the longest time, I've heard people give their testimonies and wondered what the heck mine was. I was born and raised Catholic, went to Catholic school, went on retreats, went to church sporadically, have always known my God is there for me.  So what is this testimony people stand up and talk about?  Why can't I place my finger on what mine is?

Testimony:  an open acknowledgment; b. a public profession of religious experience.

And today it hit me.  THIS is my testimony. Not the miracle of how my husband is still alive to love on longer. . .that is his.  Mine is that moment of peace as Janessa and I prayed on our way to the car.  The echoing in my head that, "  He is good, He is good, He is good. . ."  No matter what happens, He is good.  Although it sounds morbid to say aloud, morbid to write here in this familiar space, my brain went to that place what if he dies?  And in that moment I was filled with peace.   
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.--Philippians 4:7

THAT is my testimony.  And the more I share my experience aloud, the more I know this is it.  The more I am in awe of what  an awesome God He is.  The more I realize my walk with Him and the relationship we've developed was getting me ready for that moment.  That moment was my true awakening that He is all he says He is. And my heart continues to swell with gratitude. . .God has filled it so much, that there is no room for anything else. One day Ernie will return to work.  I am confident that God will continue to fill me up where there is no room for worry or anxiousness. He has this.  I know that now.  

Ernie's surgeries are over.  They had to do a skin graft with skin from his right thigh.  He said that was more painful than the burns to his hands.  He is still hospitalized until probably Tuesday--Janessa's third birthday: )  He is in good spirits.  He will talk to his employer tomorrow to recap what happened the day of the accident.  He was doing something he has done many times before, but he had taken off his gloves to pick up a tool which happened to be the conductor and the 7200 volts passed through him because electricity is always looking for the easiest place to ground.  Make sense?  Not really to me neither. . .One day, maybe he will share all the events leading up to that moment--His testimony, if you will.

Now we just work on getting his hands healed.  He can't work for at least a month, could be longer.  Time will tell. For now, I plan on looking at my one day a week work status as an extra blessing as we have time to spend together, doing things to prepare our hearts for Christmas, to revel in our miracle a little longer!

God is good.  All the time.

November 21, 2012

"Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus--"

 1 Thessalonians 5:18

Much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving season. . .and we are all together to celebrate it.  Ernie is home now.  Friday morning there will be another surgery and then the healing begins.  There was no nerve damage so at some point this lineman will be back to work and we are truly blessed! Doctors can not believe this is the extent of the damage with 7200 volts passing through him.. .
Have a wonderful time this holiday. . .hug on those loved ones because they are the real gifts in this lifetime. I know who my focus on:  God for blessing me with these: )

Twenty-one years ago today I lost my Nana.  I am very aware of how blessed I am to have Ernie still here with me and I consider her one of his angels.

For the friends and family, who have offered prayers, food, laughter, babysitting, grocery store trips, and joy. . .from the bottom of my heart, thank you!  For my eighteen-year-old son, who sat beside me during surgery--you are as wonderful a man as your father.  I am so proud of you--thank you for being my pillar of strength and for holding your dad up.

November 17, 2012

Yesterday is not the kind of day I want to remember; however it is a day I need to.  I got the call no wife wants to receive, there had been an accident my husband was involved in at work. He was being transported by ambulance to the hospital.

As I rushed from my imoms meeting to pick up Janessa, hands shaking, moving swiftly, all I could do was pray.  As we ran to the car together, we prayed aloud that daddy would be okay.  Thankfully, the hospital was only minutes away and I just murmured, "yes" as Nessa kept repeating, "My daddy hurt?"  All the while praying.

Seeing him in that hospital bed ALIVE and hearing him speak was a rush of relief and I let tears fill my eyes with pure joy.  He told me what had happened and to be honest, it's a bunch of mumbo jumbo technical talk that I really didn't get, but the words I absolutely understood: 7200 volts.  7200 volts is the current that somehow he made contact with.  7200 volts.  He could have been dead.  By all accounts, he should have been dead. . .but he wasn't.  Here he was with me, and even though I couldn't see his hands yet to see the extent of the damage--I cared about nothing else and I started praising God. 

Just the day before I had posted this picture on instagram.

And the next day, I got the dreaded call.  Just like that, our lives could have changed in an instant.  I know my conscious brain knows this, but the reality of following the ambulance as he was transported to a burn center over fifty miles away. . .took my breath away. My stomach ached, my mouth was dry, my muscles ached from the strain of such constant concentration, yet praise filled words swam around my mind.

As I waited for them to call me back at the burn center, I replayed the morning.  I could hear the sound of rain against the rooftop.  "Is that rain," he had asked?  "Yes, " I replied snuggling deeper into the blankets. Of all days, I chose the warmth of the covers to going downstairs with him and making his coffee then riding my bike.  I didn't bless his forehead.  I didn't. . .I didn't. . .

But He did.  God was with Ernie.  God protected him and spared his life.  His injuries are relatively minor for the voltage he was working with.  I am so grateful. . .gulping breaths of gratitude.  Today there is only room for gratitude and love.  That is how filled up I am. It doesn't matter that Thanksgiving is a couple days away.  The day to give thanks is today--or any day that you're alive.

My view last night in the comfort of our own home.  Another gift of the day?  He was discharged.  After talk of keeping him to monitor his heart and such. . .they let him come home to this.  To us.  To a friend/brother/fellow lineman who brought us pizza for a late dinner.  I had no idea how much this profession truly is a brotherhood--word traveled fast and the calls and texts were rolling in.  As I drove home through hours of Friday night traffic, I listened to him speak to the people who understand his words, what happened, way more than I did.  I gave thanks for them too.  These men who do a dangerous job so I can have electricity flowing through this home of mine.

I haven't quite wrapped my head around what comes next.  There will be a burn center appointment on Monday.  I will dress and wrap his wounds later today and again Sunday. I haven't even had a good chance to cry and let the tears spill for what God saved for me and my family to love on for longer.

All I know at this time, this particular moment, is that God is so good!  This accident will forever shape how Ernie conducts business. I have often said God speaks to us in whispers and when we don't get it, we get a thump.  I'm thankful this thump wasn't worse. Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change--James 1:17

Thankful to God for my husband's safety, but also for filling me up with such gratitude that there is no room for worry.  Ernie will go back to work again and the possibility will exist for accidents to happen.  But there is no room for me to worry.  God's got this--case in point: yesterday.
⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Matthew 6:34  “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.