If Only. . .

If I want to write, I have to write. . .even if it means I have nothing to write about. With the ending of 2022, it would appear I have much to write, but just as I felt I was experiencing life in a fog like vapor, the night she passed away, the fog hasn't lifted. . .yet. I am however plotting my course, digging into the tools that provide me with the roadmap to dissect my grief, deal with it, and move through it, albeit slowly. The bible, my gratitude journal, therapy-these are the tools I tuck away in my tool box that I carry with me around the clock now. These tools are my safety net in a world that feels anything but.

Going back to that night, October 1st isn't something I am ready to do. My hands start to shake, my heart races, the dread of that night returns with just a thought. A single flicker is all it takes to take me backwards, and I am determined to heal whole. My husband and kids deserve the best parts of me, not a shell of the person I was before mom died. Looking back, I was already moved out of the house when my mom's mom died. Her struggle with cancer was swift. My grandma knew what she was saying yes to when she refused treatment and six weeks later, December 27th she went home to heaven. Even the night before she died, my memories of my mom losing her mom were stoic. She did all the things a loving caregiver would do. They had said all that needed to be said. There was a very evident peace between them. I remember so clearly crawling on to my grandma's bed reading aloud from, Love You Forever,  by Robert Munsch. I choked through the ending bringing both my mom and I to tears. It was a moment I will treasure forever. Three generations on one bed, together one last time. I always envisioned having the long good bye with my Mom. I was so very, very wrong.

My mom is one of the strongest women I have ever known, especially in the area of caregiving. She cared for both her parents and father in law up until their deaths. The emotional and physical toll that would have on her body was not evident at first. There were many times  in her life that I would watch her and think to myself, "I could never. . ." I actually feared her getting older because of the responsibilities that might one day come. She would joke back, "That's why we have long term health care," and that crutch made me feel a little bit better.  I have always known what a gift her level of care was, but now I see how she willingly sacrificed pieces of herself to care for each of our loved ones. 

As much as I envisioned the long good bye, maybe it simply wasn't long enough because in some ways I guess I had it. I just didn't realize that is what it was. Shortly after losing her dad in 2004, my Mom was diagnosed with stage three breast cancer. I was pregnant with my second child at twenty-nine years old. I remember clearly calling out to the Lord to save my Mom, to heal her, and give us all the gift of more time. At barely fifty-one years old, having cared for and losing both her parents, working in the dark environment of a prison, and a marriage that was struggling, I wanted her to experience joy and the fullness of life that I thought she deserved. Selfishly, I needed her here. My kids needed to know her love as their grandma because there would be nothing else like it. She went on to survive cancer, but the journey was an arduous one, and the fear of its return was always tucked away in the back of her mind. She never wanted to endure a cancer journey again. This we did talk about from time to time. We received seventeen extra years: years that would bring about the things of life: Love, saddness, divorce, change, and lastly growth.

If only I had known that day would be her last.

If only I had asked all the questions.

If only I had fully appreciated who she was in life.

If only I could hear that laugh and see her smile again.

If only. . .

If only. . .

If only. . .

Wise Words Wednesday

My children are my mission field: the most important one there is.

Mother's Day Weekend

Sometimes less really is more.  I love the weekends that the calendar box sits empty.  Empty equals opportunity.  It just does.  That is what this weekend felt like which really was a Mother's Day gift in deed!  I wanted to take mom to a local wine shop for a Mother's Day Event.  I had no idea we would be the only ones in there for the entire three hours.  It was so nice and relaxing!  At one point Alan joined us and then dad, followed by Steve and Karvel who happened to be walking to the place next door.  We couldn't have planned it any better. . .well, maybe if we had Ernie could have been there too, but he was a good sport telling me to take my time and enjoy it.  I definitely took him up on that one!

Sunday began with church and an impromptu breakfast my littlest brother picked up.  Again, totally last minute but absolutely perfect!  Mom and I caught up on season three Downton and rested while the guys hung shutters or something of the sort.  Dinner meant mom's house where Ernie barbecued for us.  It was probably one of our simpler meals there since mom is the queen of party planning, yet she wanted a break. . .but it was a beautiful reminder that yes, sometimes less is more.  Absolutely.

 Life is swirling with end of the year activity in these parts.  Lene's production is one week away, Open Houses, friends facing marriage issues, and friends facing cancer.  Hard stuff, but brutiful stuff nonetheless.  I'm growing and stretching and reaching as I look for ways to be His hands and feet.  To walk this road with the hurting and sick when my life is seemingly "good" is hard sometimes.  But then I remember the dark days that came before and I thank God for the light.  I thank Him for the life of my mom who is still here to celebrate Mother's Day with me eight years later. I still need her.  I'm not done learning.  A Mother's Day gift in deed.

And then there is all the other "stuff" we've been up to in the almost two weeks since I last logged on.  I abhor that word--I never would let my eighth graders use it in their writing and here I am using it--for lack of a better word.  Eek!  I've been horrible about pulling out my "big girl camera" lately--the iphone has become my constant companion to capture life and all the joy that comes from it.  I am pondering retirement, I think there are only seventeen working days left for my dad. Years ago, I would have been interviewing for his spot and walking into the counselor realm of education.  Now I wonder if I will ever cross that bridge because I've tasted life on the other side--long, tiring days with my kids. . .but filled with unexpected moments of pure, unadulterated joy.  Being a mom completes me.  But what of my dad's last working days?   What will that opportunity afford him?  Should I wait for that moment to do some of the things I'd love to do. . .because what if that moment never comes.  I'm about as semi-retired as it gets.  If I had to walk away to be able to mother my kids I would.  My planet has tilted on its axis as I've let go and let God.  He has literally opened doors and provided this opportunity where I was able to see what motherhood means for me.

Key words, "for me."  My mothering experience may not look like my neighbor's or friends or family members.  Their vision for their family may be very different than mine.  I am perfectly content "just being a mom," because I know that NO OTHER JOB EXISTS FOR ME.

Motherhood.  Mother's day. Being a mom.  My ultimate and best versions of myself are because God gifted me these children.  Every day is an adventure.  Every day is filled with a struggle or two or ten.  But every day is extraordinary!  God bless mamas everywhere!

I want a Do-Over

Every once in awhile I want a re-do.  I want to start the morning differently, do the day differently, or end the night on a different note.  And then there are the days that are going pretty smoothly, no big fiascoes , attitudes, problems. . .it's all going smoothly, until it isn't. It's not me that needs the do over.  It's one of my own.  It happens without me seeing it coming.  It just happens and then?

How I react to the problem or situation or child becomes part of the equation.  I have the power to choose calm or continue the craziness.  I can try to figure out the real heart issue at hand or focus on the emotions that this "situation" arises in me.  I know my child's academic performance is not a reflection of who I am as a mother; however, I'm still navigating the waters of when they don't act in a pleasing, loving way--that feels like a direct reflection of who I am as their mom.

Sometimes it is hard to distinguish the difference. 

I'm stuck in that distinguishing place right now.

 I hate being stuck.

I also hate that grudge-holding girl I can be.

I want to be a grace-giver.

But it's hard.  Really hard.

This is the Lord's work I am doing--raising kids, fighting for their hearts, inspiring them, "To act justly and to love mercy
    and to walk humbly with your God." (Micah 6:8)

It's the work He has called me to do.  The best work I will ever do. 
His work.  His children.  His plans for them.

All Him. . .less of me.  Maybe that's the key?

Get it Before it's Gone

The decisions we make, make the life we live. . .the decisions we make, make the life we live. . .that sentence has been bombarding my mind since I read it over a week ago.  I found it amidst a devotional that was delivered to my inbox from Lysa Terkurst, an author who is so real and sweet I dragged my mom down to San Diego one night just so we could listen to her speak at a Focus on the Family event.  We spent more time in the car than we did at the event. . .on a school night.  It 's definitely love!

I think the reason it sticks with me is because lately in book club we have discussed how busy we are, and all the demands we interpret as part of our days.  In some ways I have scaled back in an attempt to reclaim our family time in the evenings.  I declined continuing a book club because, no matter how much I like the girls, another weekly, night-time commitment takes time away from the sacred time I want to have with my most loved ones.  We almost said no with Lene doing another play.  We had to physically sit down with the director and express our concerns with the time commitment that was involved in the last show.  We had to set boundaries from the beginning if another show was to be in our family's future, because the reality is this:  her involvement effects our involvement.  This week, we decided not to rush through Holy week like crazy people so we declined a free golf clinic that I had signed up for months ago.  Everyone who knows me knows free is hard to pass up. . .so it was kind of a big deal.  The aha moment for me?  When I cared more about getting there on time Monday than the kids.  Deal was sealed.  We said no.

I have commented on being much busier now that I am primarily a stay-at-home mom.  That is for sure.  But the truth of the matter is, I do have more time in my day to pour into events, organizations, or the kid's classrooms, and truth be told: I enjoy it immensely.

That is not the problem.  The problem rears its ugly head when those commitments effect my family at home.  The problem is seen when I have too much to do on the computer, with meetings, or whatever, that I am not paying attention to my kids and husbands need because I am so centered on the project at hand.  Because let's face it, once upon a time I thought my career defined who I was.  I poured time, energy, and countless hours perfecting my craft of teaching.  It felt good to receive accolades and praise from administrators and colleagues and best of all: students.

 And then I had children of my own. . .

And my world was forever changed...for the better.
I may not ever again be "Teacher of the Year," but I treasure the job title gifted me by God more: Mom.

"The decisions we make, make the life we live." Live well.

“Life moves pretty fast. You don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it”. Ferris - Ferris Bueller’s Day Off 1986

Answering the Call

It never ceases to amaze me the way God works such miracles into our lives.  A taste of tragic or trouble surrounded by an outpouring of love and support from mere acquaintances, has literally transformed the trajectory of how we are choosing to do life.  Ernie and I have committed to not only our marriage, but raising our children in the faith.  But we will be the first to admit, we have struggled in terms of our church community. We have felt a longing for something more, but could never put our fingers on it.  And in the wake of his accident, we have tried other churches and for whatever reason, we keep going back to our home.  This is not to say, that the search is over but the longing has been quieted because we've both felt a deeper calling, a stirring in our hearts that can only be explained as the holy spirit.

A weekly coffee date with a new friend, morphed into a book club, morphed into a Moms in Prayer/book club, morphed into a Good Morning Girls group in which we are all holding each other accountable to digging deep into God's word.  For some of the women this is a tentative baby step into a book that may have been considered intimidating.  For others it is an extension of sharing and growing the wisdom they've been tucking into their hearts over a deep, meaningful relationship with the Lord over a long period of time.  For me, it is simply an honor to be a part of.

This group of ten women (including myself) have absolutely stopped me in my tracks. I never in my wildest dreams could have wished for a group of like-minded faithful women from my kid's public school to share life with.  THIS is what I have been searching for.  THEY are God's gift to me in this season of life.  Amazing.  Awe-inspiring.  Humbling.  Beautiful.  Blessing, upon blessing, upon blessing!

And at the same time, Ernie is walking down a new path--finding fellowship with mere strangers whose commonality is Christ.  They covered chapter two in their book and he came home and read me some parts he underlined.  I could barely contain my excitement for his excitement.  God is so faithful.  I have known this to be true yet I am reminded again.  Seek and ye shall find--Matthew 7:7

Just yesterday he told me he was going to take the next call he received.  Unemployed for only a week, he decided he needed to get back in the saddle wherever the job may be.  His first call he declined was Blythe.  The second, Nevada.  I braced myself, with such a peacefulness about me.  I didn't worry or wonder where.  I felt a bit of sadness as I've grown accustomed to having us home together and a hint of remorse that working far away would mean the book club wouldn't be possible.  But that passed quickly as I realized he may continue to read and grow on his own.  Besides, I've been praying for two years now that he would rise up and lead us, even though it wasn't until the accident that I think I actually meant it. . .I don't know why I thought God wouldn't know. . .

Anyways, this morning, Ernie got the call. And I cry as I type this because God is so faithful.  God sees it all.  He knows everything about this heart of mine and now in the course of two months, not only did he spare my husband's life but he gifted him a job a mere twenty-five minutes away. . .with every other Friday off!!!!!!  I am so filled with wonder and praise this week.  I am growing by leaps and bound as I share Christ-centered relationships with new people both in my school Good Morning Girls group and my oldies but goodies who have been with me over the past two years.  Not to mention the special person who I lunched with today who paid me such a high compliment as needing to talk to someone who had a deep faith as she proceeded to share what was on her heart.  Such a WOW week!  Overflowing with a full heart of gratitude, that is who I am this week.  Blessed.