Gone

It should come as no surprise when people pass away.  I know it's all part of the circle of life.  I know God has a plan for each of us that includes our being born and our dying.  How we live in the meantime is just a part of our journey.  For those of us who believe, we know where we are going to end up and that is comforting if not exciting at the same time.  Heaven is a place we have only read about in the bible and imagined in our dreams.  It is our final destination after what we hope is a long life lived well.

Today I heard that a secretary I had used to work with passed away.  I haven't been on that particular campus in close to six years.  There's something about me and visiting my former schools. . .I don't tend to do so.  I think in the six years I had been gone, I took my dad a Starbucks once, causing me to walk the familiar campus with many unfamiliar faces.  And I visited when my daughter performed with the drama department, but that was generally after hours and on a drop off or drop in to the theater basis only.  I just wasn't one to visit and reflect on what I had left.  It was always good while I was there, until it wasn't and then I moved on.

But today when I tucked my oldest in and we prayed for Ofie's family, I could see her clearly sitting at her desk.  She was always so darn stylish and put together; cute hair, and great laugh and smile.  I loved passing through her office area when going to the guidance office. She always asked me about my kids. Always. She saw me through my first two pregnancies and she always asked about my babies.  Even when they weren't really babies, she called them that.  And she always listened and believed in my dream of wanting to be home with them.  Always.  She  encouraged me.  She smiled.  She laughed.  She asked about who was most important in my life and when we talked, she made me feel like they were that important to her too.  Oh, how she wanted to be a grandma!  She was so excited when her daughter was getting married because that meant she was one step closer to those grandbabies. . .and I'm not sure if that ever became a reality.  I sure hope so because that woman had so much love to give.  It makes me sad that she is no longer here.

I ache for her sister, who I randomly met a few years back through a mutual friend.  I knew they were sisters before I really even knew.  I could just tell.  They both had that look, that spark, that laugh.  Her family will not be the same without her, but I know where she is now.  She believed.  She loved God greatly and she lived a life that I'm happy I was able to be a part of for a little while.  And I just wanted to write down in my little book of memories and life lessons for my babies that Ofie was one of my original cheerleaders at the high school who encouraged me to be with you.  She supported me working if that's what I needed to do and she supported me at home if that's what we decided we could afford to do.  She would look at your little faces and say she saw so much of your dad. . .and she would laugh and smile and talk about how much she wanted to be a grandma. That's the Ofie I will always remember and I'll always be grateful to have known her for the time I did.  If only she could see you now. . .oh wait, she can: )  Heaven gained another angel today.

Just because. . .

Writing when the words don't want to come will get you nowhere.

Being who He created you to be can't happen if you're always trying to edit His plans in your life.

Letting go of a job title to lean into motherhood is more complicated than I would like it to be.

Embracing hands free and being hands on is beautiful in theory but hard to practice...all. the. time.

Caring for a sickie is exhausting and exhilarating all in the same breath.

The realization your standards for clean and your kids standard for clean are two different things. . .means middle ground is hard to come by.

Gorgeous weather makes for a happy soul and dreams of adventure to accompany it. 

The kids?  They beg for summer to come quickly.  I beg for it too.  For the last sentences of this chapter to be written and to close this part of my story. 

The thought of the future and the opportunities that await me--excites me as much as it terrifies me.  

I breathe deep gulps of gratitude to be able to walk away from a career in education for a season. . .but then I anxiously explore other options because if I am not a teacher then who am I? I updated my resume--for what? How can I encourage a college education for my girls so that they don't feel guilt if they decide to stay home and raise their own children? Where does my guilt even come from? Sigh.

I tuck it all away and try to focus on God and His plans for me, but then there's the writer's block because I can't really write anything of substance if I don't deal with the thoughts I'm stuffing.  So I un-stuff here in this space. I think about the character education program I have the chance of starting at our elementary school. I think about my TK'er and the opportunity I have to school her at home.  Every day.  For a whole year.  I think about early morning time with my two girls next year. . .how perfect as one goes off to middle school, we will have the gift of an hour together every morning.  I think about not having to lesson plan or grade papers, or desperately plea with parents to do something to help their child to be successful. . .how freeing that sounds!  Sigh of relief.  

Being my kid's mom is enough.  I am enough.  He had this plan for my life all long!!! I'm embracing the role and seizing the opportunity because it's mine!!!  All of it! Blessing upon blessing upon blessing! For seventeen years I've left imprints on the lives of my students. . .now the direction is shifting and I am so excited for the imprints I will leave on the hearts of my children and their friends.

"For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago." Ephesians 2:10 (NLT)

Lost too Soon to Lung Cancer

This week was a heavy one.  I attended the rosary for a former student.  In seventeen years of teaching, I've encountered over a thousand students easily. . .and when I first heard this student was sick, I knew just who she was.  I could picture her.  Usually, I can recognize some former students by sight--names might or might not come to me--but this one?  I knew who she was.  She was the kind of student you thoroughly enjoyed and appreciated.  She was attentive and well mannered.  She was inquisitive and encouraging. She was quiet and conscientious, actively involved on campus and just an overall good girl.

From what I heard and read, the traits she had while in my eighth grade Language Arts class followed her to the high school.  Of course they did!  She was THAT kind of person:  4.5 gpa, cheerleader, hospital volunteer, aspiring surgeon. . .who at 17-years-old was diagnosed with lung cancer.  Tragic.  It's hard for me to wrap my head around the idea of her suffering and being sick--this girl with such strong work ethic, and pride, such a promising future.  It breaks my heart for her family, and for her friends.  

And it makes me take pause and love on my littles a little longer. Tucking them in at the end of an exhausting day was relished as a gift instead of a chore.  I looked into their eyes and listened when they were talking to me.  We held hands and picked flowers.  We hiked and explored just because we could.  I read aloud a whole chapter a night instead of cutting it short. . .It's amazing how death, especially that of someone so young, can expand your mama heart to look past the drudgery and embrace it all.  It's the realization that another mom a city away is wailing into the night for what used to be normal--and just like that, it's gone. She's gone.

I absolutely positively do not understand how people come through crisis without their faith.  I realized in church Thursday night, as we prayed the rosary aloud in a church filled to capacity, my prayers and my faith in God and the promise of heaven is all that could get me through. Heck, my faith is all I could think of as I walked up the aisle to pay my respect for her family and a constant stream of prayers were uttered silently in my heart for their comfort and healing.  

Lung cancer. Seventeen.  Sandra.  Those words just don't belong together, yet there they are.  And all I can offer is my prayers.  And all I can ask is that you might do the same please.  

2 Corinthians 5:6-8 So we are always of good courage. We know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord, for we walk by faith, not by sight. Yes, we are of good courage, and we would rather be away from the body and at home with the Lord.

Catholic Confessions about Community

This weekend marked the end of Jonathan's Faith Formation class and the first time he received communion.  This has been a two year process in which he and I shared this year of schooling together.  Being a teacher at church grew me.  Being more a part of my church community was both exhilerating and disappointing.  While I bonded with my class of eleven students and appreciated the dedication and hard work of my assistant, frankly, some parents disappointed me.  The same faces I saw weekly became blurred at church on Sunday.  I thought by pouring into my church community, relationships would develop and I'd have a better connectedness to my church.  Not so much. Teaching hasn't really changed anything.  But it has changed everything.  Sort of.

The Catholic Church is what it has always been.  Good or bad, depending on who you talk to I guess.  It's interesting to me when I hear the words of our pastor about the importance of coming to mass not because we feel like we have to, but to celebrate with our community and give thanks to our God. But week after week it seems many still come to church to mark it off their to do list.   It seems I've heard him talk on several occasions why NOT to do this.  Yet, the people hurry in, sit down, barely greet each other, shake hands at peace, wait in line for the Eucharist and hurry out to beat the crowd in the parking lot.  Every single week without fail. And this community I thought I'd find if I stepped forward to teach our youth?  I didn't.

But I did find my place and a newfound appreciation for Catholicism.  I found a priest who speaks words I need to hear every single time.  I found a new value in  having my kids celebrate mass with me (as hard or as distracting as it may be at times) because didn't Jesus say,  

"Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."--Matthew 19:14

I found that I could stop blaming the church for "what was missing."  The church has had it all along, but something inside me was disconnected and searching elsewhere for it.  After my year in the classroom, despite not blossoming friendships like I may have wished for in the onset,  I found my place in the church I belong to.  I found my voice.  I found a desire to lead more like Jesus did by being His hands and feet, by seeing people as people and loving on them because that is what He asks me to do.

And some of the parents factor at Faith Formation classes?  They are no different than some of the parents I work with at the public school. They are no different than some of the parents I know. They are emotionally or physically checked out to doing their most important calling in life.  Raising children and teaching them life lessons  is exhausting and can be burdensome; some are selfish, some feel like they are not cut out to do it, some are scared to mess their kids up.  But the fact of the matter is, if they truly rely on our God, they can do anything. And they will be blessed ten fold by this.

I can do all this through him who gives me strength.--Philippians 4:13

Children are a blessing from the Lord--  

Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.--Psalm 127:3  

and while jobs are important and bills have to be paid. . .it pains me to see parents relying on teachers to do what needs to start at home first and foremost.  And while an education is vitally important. . .a firm, solid faith-filled home base is even more so.  Part of teaching this to my own kids will be to pursue it at church because it's what we are called to do.Community doesn't just happen by itself--we have to be willing participants.  I am ready and willing now.

This year, I received an email monthly from a mom's book club that gathers there at church on Wednesday mornings, and I never went once.  Child care was my excuse, but the truth is I didn't feel comfortable. . .I didn't know anyone.  I still don't but I'm making this group a priority next year because I've found my place in the church and want to encourage other people to find theirs. Community might not start off as comfortable but you have to desire it, pursue it, and make it happen.