Pablo

Meet Pablo, the newest member of our family.  A huge thanks to our tile guys for entrusting us with this sing-songy bird who reminds us of Nana.

Pondering Thoughts on This Sun-Less Sunday

Sound of rain, cozy under blanket, books to read or movies to watch. Sunday at her finest.  Laundry to fold, dinner to prepare, menu planning to ease us back into the week. . .Looking forward to the last week of volleyball; basketball we have said good-bye to and transitional kinder is winding down.  We are reading and writing and this week we will finish up Chinese New Year and getting ready to celebrate Dr, Seuss Day. There is so much we can do, yet so much not necessary or it will drive me out of my mind.  Calm and consistency has been key to our learning this year.  And I have enjoyed every single moment.  I find it has challenged me, grown me, and inspired me in ways I didn't know existed.  Together we have created this year of memories that are irreplaceable.

My view on education continues to shift, and the emphasis we place on academics and extracurricular activities decreases.  We are preparing them for great futures, but are we preparing them for heaven?  Do we spend the same kind of energy studying the bible as we do for exams? Do we use lessons to teach good character and virtues at every chance we get or do we get tired and tell them no simply because we said so? Life keeps unfolding and presenting us with the good and the bad, the expected and the unexpected, and I'm just trying to be still and KNOW he is God.

We have decisions to make and I'm trying not to stress. I'm just leaving them in God's hands and saying, Here you go.  Show me what you can do with this.  And actually, I'm pretty okay with that process.  I'm surrounded by women God is placing in my life for such a time as this:  My Mom Heart group, my book club, my bible study group, my homeschooling mom friends, my other mom friends. . .He has me covered and I know it so I just keep keeping on.  What a difference a year makes!

If I have learned anything in this season of mothering, it is that the privilege has been all mine.  I have learned to turn the other cheek when it comes to differing opinion. I have learned not to get caught up in the comparison trap among friends.  I have learned that the state's expectations do not necessarily match up with mine.  I have learned that sometimes it's a little lonely to be different but completely necessary if it means guarding my kids' minds and hearts.  On this sun-less Sunday, I'm surprisingly content, unrushed and restful. I'm feeling recharged and restored  as we enter into a new week.

Surrendering Motherhood. . .or Something Like that

Nothing like sitting and staring at a blank computer screen. . .it's not that the thoughts aren't there, but for whatever reason the words are hard to come by.  This particular computer sits still and powerless on most days.  Then when it hums to life I almost always  feel compelled to write.  This week is the first with all three in some version of school and extracurricular class.  It's strange how I long for the rhythm of a new normal and then when it gets here, and it's not what I expected it to be--I long for something more.  Such is our human heart, I guess.

In between catching up on last season's Nashville and folding loads of laundry after hours due to the extreme heat, I finished Surrendering Motherhood:  Losing Your Mind, Finding Your Soul by Iris Krasnow.  I'm not sure how I found this book, or more exactly, how this book found me.  The timing of its words, thoughts and deepest feelings resonated within me.  I'm still caught between two worlds:  working one day a week and being a full time mom.  For whatever reason, the first seems more valued and to get more respect.  As the year evolves into whatever it will be in my classroom setting, I'm even more aware of the choice that will most likely greet me come March.  A job share is probably no longer an option for my partner.  Her life is pulling her in the need to go back full time and a change is on the horizon.  I can't help thanking God that perhaps these past two years have just been preparing me for this moment: surrendering to motherhood and walking away.  For now.

I write this today, my loves more for me than you.  I write this today to gather my thoughts and to to reflect on them and to truly trust God's plan for this next part of my life.  I have taught other people's children for seventeen years.  I have loved what I do in my classroom for most of it.  What I haven't liked is all the garbage thrown at us from the state and government leaders that just suffocates our styles, stifles our passion, and discourages us to trust what our students need.  For as long as I can remember teaching has seemed as natural to me as breathing.  But now, my desire to pour into you, Bean, Bubba, and Nessa Bessa is what drives me.  It's what wakes me up each morning to come to God with my cup of coffee, bible, pen and paper.  Every day starts with the realization that I must rely heavily on Him and His plans for us that day. Random verses pop into my head and serve as reminders, "Do ALL things without complaining and disputing. . .SHINE as lights in the world"--Phil 12:14-15
 He is with me in all that I do.  He is calling me to be here.  To live fully and intentionally with the gifts He has given me: each of you. 

And so, I think about what it might be like to turn in a resignation letter come June.  It would be my first. I allow myself to entertain the thought or idea of working with someone else only one day a week.  And then I just give it to God...trusting Him, His will for my life.  And I read words from a book that has found its way into my home and know His intentions were for me to read things like: 

"When you stop to be where you are, then your life can really begin." (151)

"For most of my life I had been so busy becoming, I never experienced what I had when I had it." (159)

"My kids have captured me, and I am surrendering.  I am no longer mine.  I am theirs."  (160)

"I was avoiding my work at home.  I was avoiding looking into the eyes of sons who wanted everything and feeling that if I kept giving to them I'd have nothing left for myself."  (168)

So many days, as much as I enjoy this life at home I'm internally trying to figure out the next part--much of which includes at least some sort of work in a part time setting--if for nothing more than to have job security. . .just in case.  The reality?  Daddy was injured at work this year.  Financially we survived.  Emotionally we thrived.  What's the problem then?

". . .my work was becoming shallow; my child filled me up.  So why couldn't I finally, after a twisted, endless journey, be a wife and mother and be happy at that?  It was everything I had ever wanted, why wasn't it enough?" (101)

And why did I still listen to other voices?  What about retirement?  A bigger house?  More this?  Less that?
"Respect your own judgement, even if it means ignoring theirs."  (105)  

That's easier said than done for me. . .but maybe it's part of God's calling on my life for now.  To let go of the chatter I hear around me and focus on His voice, His plan, His path. . .

This last verse spoke to me.  I've had a plan for so long. . .been building myself up to be a reputable teacher and eventually a counselor--that the journey hasn't been so incredible as of late.  Because honestly, my goal kind of shifted ten years ago when I became a mama. 

"Real freedom comes from knowing exactly where you are supposed to be and what you are supposed to be doing. (201)  Prison is not knowing where you are going and forever trying to get there." 

I don't want to be stuck between two worlds anymore.  I don't want to make excuses about my choice to be in the home versus the work place.  I don't want to take on too many other tasks to feel valued or to affirm that I am somebody.  I am daddy's wife.  I am your mom.  That is enough.