Bad Behavior

You know what's hard?  Knowing you're commanded to love even though you may not really like someone. Actually, maybe it's not the person you don't like--more like their lifestyle.  It's such a fine line between not being judgmental and not wanting young kids around behavior that tends to be inappropriate.  No one likes to  get cast like the crazy one, when all they are trying to do is protect their kids from growing up seeing too much too soon.  And really, we care about their perceptions of the people they know and love.  It is really about wanting them to remember, love, and respect the good attributes of family and friends while not having to explain the bad until they are old enough to understand.  Maybe by that point, the bad behavior or lifestyle choices will be outgrown.  One can hope. . .so I do.  And I pray a lot.  Every time I'm tempted to talk about it--I think have I prayed about it as much as I have talked about it?  I'm happy to report that I can answer that question with a resounding yes.  Prayer really does change things.

June 6, 2012

We have entered a new phase in this two-year-old's life.

One guess.

Go!

May 9, 2013

There is a little girl that joins us for dinner sometimes on Friday nights.  She has been over multiple times this year and when we pray at dinner--she always holds hands--that's how they pray at her house.  I'm so thrilled they pray and we all follow suit willingly.

Talk about being reminded that they (the kids) soak it all in and model what they see...Nessa has taken to raising her hands and saying, "pray."  She expects that we join hands as we pray aloud now be it at home or at a restaurant.  She wants that close contact--hand in hers and she knows what blessing the food is all about.  She is two.

She tries her best to utter the prayer aloud.  She says amen and attempts the sign of the cross.  Ninety percent of the time she gets it correct.

I am so glad she is observing our prayerful state and is now an active participant.  But this shift from folding our own hands to holding each other's hands has made me think about what I am modeling exactly in those everyday moments where frustration or irritation or impatience has seeped in.  I heard my almost nine year old in church this weekend, "loud whisper" to her brother when I asked her to walk him to the restroom since the baby was asleep in my arms. . ."If you make me miss the blessing of the bread and wine," as she shook her head and walked ahead of him in frustration and impatience.  She sounded just like me.

Not good.  This little display of irritation was after a scolding on the way in because she was loudly complaining about how long church would be--as if we don't go often.  She knows how long it is.  She was just mad that this was the second mass we were attending that day--celebrating a communion and confirmation.  Great way for us to go into church.  Her mad at me.  Me mad at her.  And, her bad attitude continued to be evident as I asked her to help out with her brother.  To do it over again. . .what would I have done differently?  Maybe not stayed as long at the party before church so that they were better rested.?  I don't know. . .attitudes seem to creep in sometimes no matter what I do.  No matter what I don't do.

And then yesterday as we are arguing on the way to drop off my seven-year-old to his last CCD class of the year--who is behind me but the pastor of our parish.  Then I feel shame.  Why do I allow her to push these buttons?  What are we showing the baby?  How can we do it differently day in and day out?  I wish I knew. But I don't so I lean further into Him and pray.  I've been on my knees praying a lot lately.  We are in a busy work season so no one has seen dad much this week with seven late nights and early mornings.  It has taken a toll.

But no matter what, when we gather around that table for dinner, as we do every night, the baby is connecting us with our hands which will symbolize the connected-ness of our hearts.  

April 10, 2012

Our 40+ days of Lent might be over, but I think my card sending ways will continue.  It felt so nice to send cards to people we were specifically praying for during this Lenten season.  Several years ago, on my mom's birthday, she lost two of her cousins (brothers) in a tragic boating accident.  They were my Aunt Katie's only children. . .and although I did not know them, it was very sad.  

To be honest, when my Aunt was on my heart and in my mind--I didn't recall about the day her sons died--as time has passed, I simply. . .forgot.  However, I just so happened to send her a card around that significant date and she was so grateful.  That is God working through me to lift someone else up. 

For St. Patrick's day we sent a card to a teacher we used to work with.  She has been living with pancreatic cancer for two years.  It was a funny card--it had Obama on the front.  She and my husband had a very good, always joking relationship.  I am sure she had a good laugh.  Her funeral is tomorrow.  

So I want to be more attuned to His voice.  I want to buy cards that encourage and use His words to bless others as His words have blessed me. . .so Lent may be over, but my card sending days are not.

January 12, 2012

My little man came home in such a good mood yesterday and I'm not sure what happened but a half an hour in, he was angry and mad at the world.

It was a nice day so we were outside having some ice cream in the back yard just chatting away and BAM!

His attitude changed and he was mad about nothing. 

Then something. 

Until it was EVERYTHING!

So thanks to the Gentleness Challenge and a book I've been perusing, Playful Parenting. . .

I was able to not get lost in my own frustration, anger, or bad attitude

(with some deep breaths, quick thinking, and prayers for patience--not gonna lie)

Instead, I redirected his attention and we just had to read Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.

It was the perfect cure!

We giggled a lot, and I was pleasantly surprised with the result: 

a happier little man and a thankful mama!

 "Go on. Go to God." JF

January 9, 2012

Today I went back to work after a beautiful two week vacation.

Two weeks of luxurious down time blessed with my kids company and no lesson planning or grading papers.

I just about loved every. single. minute!

Who wouldn't?

Right?

I returned to my classroom this morning.

The room that still strikes moments of reflection and pause from time to time.

I am happy to report that fear has been replaced with curiosity.

A keen awareness that change is on my horizon, I'm just not sure what that looks like exactly. Yet.

After acknowledging that we are in fact back to the grind, and realizing my second and third periods are just completely different communities of learners than I am used to. . .

today God placed the phrase, "Go with the flow," completely on my heart.

It isn't a coincidence that He used my word of the year.

I do believe, He was trying to get my attention.  

Mission accomplished!

So as I continue to listen to His calling for my life,

I will go with the flow in my classroom.

Don't get me wrong, this does not mean fly by the seat of my pants, or stop caring--

Quite the opposite is true!

I have many students with learning and emotional disorders who need structure and well thought out lessons to grasp the standards being taught. . .but I have to let go of some of the the things that have come to bother me a bit this year: twenty questions asking the same thing, a dull murmur of voices as I am in the middle of instruction, planning for opportunities to mix things up to stretch and break, assistants and personal aids in the classroom to assist...the list goes on.

Just as I will go where He leads me in the end.

I will go where they lead me for now.

I'll have my heart and ears open to receive what comes next.

I'll continue to enjoy the scenery along the way.

He wouldn't want it any other way, I'm sure.

Go on. Go to God. . .--JF

December 30, 2011

Insta-Friday

How is it Friday, already?  

I thought lazy days would somehow last longer...but they don't.

I know the play has been over a week, but I found this in my phone and had to share.

The last night of their performance, a girl asked Bubba for his autograph.

He knew just what to do!

 Right before winter vacation began, Bub's teacher handed out AR awards to students who had earned them.

He was a pretty happy camper since he earned his first AR shirt ever!

The boy is on fire for books right now--I love to see his enthusiasm!

 This little one learned how to flip off the monkey bars finally.

She was so proud and we've gone over to the park every day so she could show me, 

"just one more time."

Thankfully, the park is right across the street and the weather has been pretty perfect here in Southern California, if I do say so myself!

 In my spare time...

I've had plenty...even though I was pretty much by myself this week due to my husband's long and far work schedule.

I did some building.

Who knew Legos came with 32 pages of instructions.

Seriously?

Mission accomplished--and I'm not sure who was more proud--him or me?

 Then we had last night.

After a perfectly spectacular day with my best friend and her two girls--

and a spontaneous late night snack for the kids dropped off by our neighbor...

the baby started coughing and came down with a fever.

That I could deal with.

It was my six-year-old, in my bed, vomiting after midnight that I didn't do so well with.

I think I slept all of an hour and a half last night.

At 3:30 am.Lene came down looking for us and proceded to stay up with us watching a movie.  

Bubs finally fell asleep about five am.

Lene at eight.

The baby woke up feeling better and is back at her antics.

Looks like no sleep is in sight for me.

Extremely thankful my husband will be home soon!!

The week has been perfect...except for this bug.

Still praying I don't get it. . .

December 20, 2011

This little one told me her tummy hurt before their show last night.

She got into costume and then gave me the look.

I told her to run and she made it. . .

kind of.

I told her she didn't need to be in th play for the night--they would figure it out.

She said she felt better because, "With God all things are possible, right?"

She made it through the show and almost to the car.

The flu bug has hit.

She has been asleep off and on all day.

Poor thing...but she was determined to make it on the stage and she did!

Now some prayers the rest of us don't go down, please.

The flu and I are not friends. 

Never have been. Never will.

It needs to get lost and be on its way. . .

P.S.  Kelsy, if you read this, thank you for playing the part of nurse so much better than I could. 

How you helped my girl and the clean up--amazing! You were a God-send last night!

November 22, 2011

I had a unique experience yesterday.

I headed off to do a couple of errands sans kids.

My first stop was church.

I was looking for candles for my advent table display and I wanted to sign my Nana's name in the Book of the Deceased.

As I approached the sidewalk, I crossed paths with a man carrying a missal and a rosary.

Even though I've made great strides since things happened at school, being alone with unfamiliar people is still scary to me. 

But I was at church. . .I had spent the weekend in great debate about the Catholic church community and their welcoming arms or lack thereof according to my husband.

I needed to be different.

I made it a point to smile.

He said, "Como estas?"

I responded, "Muy bien, y tu?

(This is my most basic conversation Spanish.)

In the text books, his response should have been, "Asi, asi."

However, in this real conversation with a real person--I understood "mal" and "triste."

He was bad and sad. . .and he kept talking, FAST.

"Despacio, por favor. . .mi Espanol es no bueno."

He smiled in spite of his sad eyes.

Our conversation continued and he struggled to find words in English when I couldn't understand.

All that I knew for sure was that he was a man in need.

He was spending his time in the chapel open twenty-four hours a day, praying his devotions, praying the rosary--all by memory. 

His prayers were so constant he had memorized every word.

Besides my listening ear, I could only give him the twenty dollars I had in my wallet.

He asked my name, had me write it down and then he did the one thing he could do in return for me.

He prayed.
 We walked towards the church together.

Here I ran into the priest who had married us.

He has had the most special place in my heart since my grade school years.

He made a comment about the beauty of the gospel in action.

Me.

Me?
Me, in spite of my initial fear.
I smiled and told Father about my time off of work and what had happened.

"You should have called me."

I cry as I write this because he is right.

I should have.  

In my deepest, most fearful place--I didn't turn to my church for help.  

Some days I didn't even turn to God.

I appreciate the time this priest took to listen to me, the wisdom he imparted, and the prayers I know he will say for me.

Our conversation was interrupted by this most grateful man, Geraldo again.

I struggled to understand this new request. 

He wanted me to translate for him in the office to get a change of shoes and pants.
Me.
Yes, me.

 I hugged Father good bye and headed into the church office with him to find someone who could help us. 

As I struggled to relay this man's needs to the secretary. . .he kept talking and pointing to the church and I wasn't sure what he was saying...at all.

Then in walks a God send--The U.P.S. man.

I asked him if he spoke Spanish and HE DID!!!!

He told us Geraldo didn't want to go through the bags of clothes in the back of the church without permission.

Somehow, language barrier and all we were able to get this man what he needed.
Love speaks the same language.

God in action.

Gospel at work.

All it takes sometimes is a listening ear, an open heart.

Might I ask you to pray for Geraldo who has hit some hard times.

22.  Today I am thankful for my church . 

P.S.  Although I forgot about my original mission to sign my Nana's name in the book--I went by at eight pm. and was able to do so then.  
Geraldo wasn't there.
Love speaks the same language. Always...

October 20, 2011

Retail Therapy:

Sometimes it helps you.

Sometimes your purchase helps someone else.

Toms will give a new pair of shoes to a child in need.

Check them out!!

October 15, 2011

After putting my feet up, it became apparent that I'm either color blind or still not okay.

Pretend you don't notice the toenails in need of a pedicure--that will be done soon.

Notice anything else?
I'm going to need the 8-year-old to check me from this point forward.
Sigh. . .at least I remembered shoes, right?

October 14, 2011

InstaFriday
My week in cell phone pictures. . .

because I've missed some days here and there and the world hasn't ended.
In fact, lightening up on myself is probably part of this whole healing process I am going through.
Without further ado. . .

 I supplied the fish and mom did the grilling.  Delicious!

Not sure who ate more...the baby or the dogs?

Give them unsupervised time and they almost always end up with markers on their faces.

I think she says, "Chawlie" more than she says, "Mom."

 Papa has a new red head in his life.

He also has a new home with my parents. . .for now.

 This little girl can move she was going forward and backwards with ease.

You would never know she had hip troubles.

Thankful for friendships that have lasted.

October 10, 2011

God doesn't give us more than we can handle, right?
Maybe in your most fragile state some grandiose lesson will be revealed and you will never be the same?

I'm thinking all of the above are true for me these days.

Today's fear in watching before my very eyes as my 87-year-old papa collapsed and passed out was new.
It was new because my general reaction when I am scared is to pray-

Today was different.
In my moment of panic, in between medic alert buttons and and making my papa comfortable, or trying to at least, I grew irate.
My fear turned to fury.
My fury turned to fierce determination.
"You will not do this to me!"
"Not on my watch, Lord."
"Really God? Why me?"
And the more and more I thought about the events of the afternoon it was almost comedic.
Almost.

Because then the realization set in that in a moment of crisis I did not use my first line of defense--prayer.
When did this  happen? Why did that happen?
This can't be good.

So I did what I could to set me on the right path again.
I emailed and called a couple of friends...my front line.
I asked for prayer...begged might have been a better word.
But I'm confident that what I need the Lord can provide.

Today He saved my papa's life.
Things might have ended very different had he been in the shower which is where he was headed when I showed up.
So I may not have been where I wanted to be today, but I was definitely where He needed me to be.
Thank you, God.

October 8, 2011

As far as birthdays go, I must admit I've had better ones.

That being said, this particular birthday turned out to be one of great enlightenment.
Let me tell you, there were tears--a lot of them.
BUT

I realized that my people pleasing tendencies put me back in my classroom before I was ready.

In my desire not to disappoint others, ultimately I felt very disappointed in myself.

After all these years, I realized I still care what people think...how I might be perceived to need help, to not be ready to teach, to take some time to settle the fear and uncertainty.
 What people would think fueled my desire to get right back in the saddle.

But guess what?

My profession does not define me.
I am a wife and mother first and foremost.
I know I've said that before, but I'm actually kind of believing it now.
I need to be in a happy, healthy place for my family and for myself,
because I matter.

They matter.
His plan matters to me.
If given some time, I believe this situation's purpose will be revealed to me and a greater good will occur.
I have faith.
I am hopeful.
And that my friends, is a far cry from where I was yesterday.
Happy Birthday to Me...
from me.
for me.

October 6, 2011

While technically I'm still in a place of great mess. . .

(the floor downstairs is being replaced which means things are everywhere;

my emotions are still all over the place and just when I think I'll have some answers or closure...

meetings get postponed for another day so sleep will be restless and stomach is in knots...again)

I'm enjoying a visit with my old friend, overstuffed chair, who used to sit in my bedroom and has since moved to mom and dad's front room.

I'm on the laptop, covered with a blanket and lounging.

The baby is napping in the playroom...

My son is playing Super Mario Brothers on the wii

and my daughter is at the vet with grandma, the "Dog Rescuer."

A shortened day at school for the kids, 

mixed with the rainy fall weather and my inability to go home due to the work--

is a blessing.

A day that was supposed to give me answers--but didn't doesn't feel as bad because I'm here.

The place I grew up, my home for eighteen years--with the comfort of pieces from my current home and my kids whom I love dearly.

I could look at today as a big disappointment.

But I won't.
Because it isn't.

He never disappoints.

Does He?

September 24, 2011

Ever wish you could just have a good cry and let it ALL out?

Yeah, me too.