God Moments: Past and Present Collide

Last night I was among 399 others to celebrate the retirement of a well loved University teacher.  She is iconic as her thirty-five year service to the University plus her own growing up around the university and all her family that attended there as well.  To me, she was more than a teacher.  Nearly eighteen years ago, I was among her top three candidates to recommend for a teaching position in the district I still work today. She  looked at me and saw potential and promise instead of the barely twenty-one year old that I was.  The problem was I was waiting on math scores for the CBEST.  As my luck would have it, I received the same score two times in a row, which was two points shy of the minimum needed.  That could only happen to me! This third test was going to make or break my ability to enter the teaching position midyear as a result of class size reduction.  This instructor pulled me aside and made me a weekly appointment for the next month.

With math as her minor, I thought the tutoring could be helpful. Little did I know that the next month was really an informal session in her office that involved building me up and getting me to face the math test, not fear it.  She reiterated I had the skill, but I simply had to believe in myself.  On a couple occasions we traded test taking strategies and she may have asked what types of problems I struggle with the most, but I don't remember.  What I remember most is the way she made me feel.  I went into my third test, not fearing my future but embracing the possibilities that existed when I passed this stupid section.  I did pass this time and I went on to teach.  It is there that my teaching life began, and it happened when it did because this professor got me to believe in myself and took time--time she probably didn't really have, but she did it any way.  I needed to be there to honor her for this.

I'm glad my cousin went with me because otherwise the sheer masses would have been intimidating; however, had the night turned out as it did, I would have even gone alone.  Seeing and hearing honor paid to a person who has invested so much of herself to an institution and countless people is incredibly humbling and inspiring at the same time.  While the words and sentiments and stories told were important and treasured, the night ended with a God moment.

I saw a name on the scholarship donors page that jarred a memory of my Masters in Counselling program nearly thirteen or fourteen years ago.  After listening to the impact stories shared about the honoree, I told my cousin I needed to find this other woman and send her a card because this memory specifically was life changing for me.  I have always attested, even if I never use my counselling degree, this single experience alone makes it all worth it!

As God would have it, as we made our way to the back door to express our congratulations (keep in mind 400 people) right beside me was a woman who looked vaguely familiar. As I leaned in to hear her speak, I knew this was the same woman I had just told my cousin about!  I put my arm on her shoulder and she looked at me.  Of course, she didn't recognize me at first, but I began "You probably don't remember me but many years ago when we had to tape ourselves and present them to the class. . .we put our video on and the first question out of Joyce's mouth was "How are you?" and I cried.  The video may have been playing but your eyes were on mine in the circle we sat and tears were dripping down my face already.  I will never forget the way you stopped the video and took my hand, pulling me up. . .where you sat me on your lap and just allowed me to cry. "  Her eyes were filled with tears as she listened to me recount my memory, as were mine because that memory was connected to such a life changing experience and led to the present life I am able to enjoy today.

"I need you to know that single act of compassion and kindness will always be remembered as long as I live. It was one of the most powerful events in my life," I finished.  She hugged me long and hard and whispered words I haven't heard in a really long time: "Every past pain is a part of you, but doesn't have to define you.  Everyone has a story.  You have to be willing to listen and wait for them to share it.  I didn't want to miss yours.  So much greater to be a part of it than to simply miss it because of our agenda."  

I was so  blessed to be able to share this sentiment with this woman who will forever hold a place in my heart.  To thank her, to be hugged by her, to be able to express what that moment meant to me. . .it could have only been orchestrated by our God.

If there is someone who means a lot to you, for whatever the reason: big or small.  Tell them!  She thanked me for the gift I gave her last night by reaching out and reminding her of our moment.  It was so much more powerful with passed years and perspective.  I am so glad I stepped out of my comfort zone and went last night (glad my cousin went with me).  God's plans are always so much greater than our own!!

October 21, 2012

This weekend my alma mater celebrated its big Homecoming Weekend celebration.  For the first thirteen years, I never showed up.  There was the possibility of running into too many ghosts and I guess I hadn't really made peace with some of the choices I made that I felt might have defined me during that period of time.  With the urging of a friend, I showed up two years ago and reconnected with old friends and visited and chatted.  It was a fun night!

Last year, we had something going on so I didn't make it.  No big deal.  Really.  This weekend however, after being home with the kids for the past three weeks, while daddy worked out of town, I needed a reprieve.  One of my dearest friends was going to join in the reminiscing for the first time, which meant an even bigger reason to participate.

The girls above, represent a small snapshot of my four years of college.  When one asked, how I knew the group. . .another answered I was an honorary member of their sorority.  It made me smile.  I wasn't an athlete; I wasn't a sorority girl; I wasn't what I would consider well-known.  But, I was well liked by those I did happen to meet.

I will wear that badge proudly.  Now if only, they could all forget about the basketball player I dated for a really long time...

Speaking of basketball players, two of his very best friends were there. While talking to one of them about our kids he spoke some truth into me that I would have never considered on my own. As I told him about my oldest daughter and we compared notes on personality traits of our kids, I couldn't take credit for her larger than life personality, her tenacity her fearlessness, her strong will and spirited self.  "That is so not me," I uttered, shaking my head in disbelief.

And that's when he spoke to me and made me consider a side of myself that I don't give enough credit to.  Truth be told, a part I had never even considered. "What do you mean, she's nothing like you?  That sounds JUST like you," he laughed.  I looked at him in confusion so he went on to explain something to the effect. . .You hung out with us.  Girl, we were no joke.  You could handle us, our humor, our big personalities, our drama.  You were in it.  You didn't give up...not on him, not on us.  You were there for us, even when we might not of deserved it. We weren't always easy to get along with, but you persisted.  We didn't always make sense, but you could look past that.  Your strong will meant you never gave up and even when you were hurt in the process you stuck around.

What I have perceived for many years as my own lack of strength to get out sooner, was seen to some of those guys in that apartment as a gift.  I valued them. . .flaws and all.  I made them feel like they were worth something.  And partly I did stick around as long as I did because I really thought I could fix the gaping holes in their lives.  Often times I know I saw more of their worth than they did. . .and at the end of the day, we had our own little G-9 family.  I was a part of something that meant something even though it never went past that.  Part of why I never wanted to revisit the past is because I felt like I let the guys down when I broke up with their buddy.  All these years later, we are all who we are because of those experiences and happily, there is no love lost because me because things didn't work out.

There's a reason I was meant to hear those words said by that guy this weekend. I can look at my daughter a little differently now.  I can see glimpses of me mixed up in that beautiful face of hers.  I can see moments of victory and sweet success as I persevered and held my own during some long, sometimes hard, college years.  I can acknowledge those years and those memories for what they were and instead of blaming myself for hanging on to nothing, I can bravely and boldly admire that I saw something in someone(s) who were worthwhile--only they didn't know it quite yet.  I was just as much a part of them becoming as they were a part of me. . .becoming who I was intended to be.

This girl, this little girl, who for so long I have not known where she got "it" from. 
Today, I thank God she got some of it from me and I'm excited to see what big, bold plans God has laid out for her.  Beautiful blessing, these words said by an old friend...

March 25, 2012

A very long time ago, I pledged a sorority. I found out it was so not for me--but the whole pledging experience was quite unforgettable. Keep in mind, I was only seventeen when I started college and I lived at home. My parents were on the strict side (thank God--never thought you would hear me say that, did you?) and I had a curfew and all kinds of normal rules that teenagers have.  This way of life was unfathomable for most of my sorority-soon-to-be-sisters.  Most lived on campus or on their owns and they didn't get why I couldn't do every bit of crazy that they did.  When it came time to get our pledge names--my big sister named me Murph.  I didn't get it.  She went on to explain how everything that could go wrong, did during our pledging experience...the first event I got home late which resulted in being grounded, which further effected other events.  Something about Murphy's Law. Maybe you have heard about it? Whatever the case may be, that memory always sticks with me, because honestly that name didn't fit.  I remember thinking she doesn't really know me at all--hence, one week after initiation I asked for a leave of absence and never went back.

Moving on, that memory was brought to the surface this week as two sick children were on my hands without Ernie home--it seems to be happening that way a lot these days.  Poor guy has been so busy with work that I'm taking over the home front.  However, me and throwing up on the homefront don't mix.  Remember the flu back in December?  Ugh!  Wednesday I ended up going back to my classroom with all three kids (one sick and one well on her way) because I couldn't find my flash drive.  I remembered having it in my hand to use, but someone needed my help on the computer so I set it down while I assisted.  We tore the room apart looking for it--the kids and I but to no avail.  It was gone.  Here's the other thing--me and missing/lost items are no good either.  I obsess over finding whatever it is.  I get fixated on it and I can tend to not be real nice.

Later that evening I attended up having to take the baby to Urgent Care--long story short, strep throat.  Unfortunately, even with only two hours of sleep, I had to go to work the next day due to my formal observation.  I just wanted to be done with it! Fast forward fifteen minutes into my lesson and the speaker in my class goes off asking me if I can go up to the office: I have a phone call from my daughter's school.  She had been injured on the playground.  Really? So I went.  She needed to be picked up to have her wrist looked at to make sure it wasn't fractured. On my way. . .in a few (15 to be exact)just had to finish my lesson or I would call grandma and send her.  Or maybe Ernie was home he had hoped to be there early that morning--a few phone calls on my trip back to the classroom and she was covered. Relief!  The timing, I tell you--the timing!!!

Deep breath, back to the lesson--it's going well.  We are to the part where I just finished explaining what they will do on their own now and BEEP! BEEP!BEEP!BEEP!  I look over to my administrator--a fire drill. Really? Yes, really.  So out we went.

Book Club was that night as well--at my house--but it didn't happen because at that point we were watching the baby for signs of dehydration.  She wasn't bouncing back as well as we had hoped!  Even now two full days later I think she might be having a reaction to the antibiotics and she was running a fever again last night. Thankfully daddy is home today.  The week is over and I'm hoping to be able to ignore the sore throat I have and grandma has one too. . .Spring Break is on the horizon for the kids. Palm Springs is on the radar for us. . .in spite of it all, life is still good. Blessed. 

P.S.  After I offered a reward, a student thinks he has my flashdrive.  He found it outside.  Hmm. . .hoping to see it again Monday.

We took a little nap Thursday afternoon when daddy was home and helping the kids with homework. 

After bath time, she wanted to just lay with Daddy.  I must add, we broke our no tv watching to view Disney's Totoro--which I had requested at the library over five months ago. We will also break it again when we watch The Easter Story.  We are all okay with that now. 

This is what it has been like over here in these parts:  a whole lot of crazy! A whole lot of sickies!  A whole lot of mess!  But always:  a whole lot of LOVE!!!