She watches me.
I model how she should live.
She imitates what she sees and hears.
She is a two-year-old with a passionate, sometimes strong-willed personality; sometimes my little cuddle bug.
When I make myself take the time to really watch her play, I am reminded that my way (for now) is all she knows.
Shouldn't my way be parallel with His?
Shouldn't I model love and service with a joyful heart?
Shouldn't I watch my tone and take the time to really be in the moment?
I've never been more aware of the fact that my kids are growing up at an alarming rate.
This chapter of childhood will close all too soon and I know I have not participated fully.
I am the only one that can change this.
Through His word daily, my heart is softening,
His words are seeping in to the depths of my soul.
I am seeing how I am supposed to live for the first time in my thirty-six years of life.
I am reminded that my role as mother trumps my job as teacher.
The accolades that come from being at home with my kids may be few and far between on the verbal level, but I can allow myself to participate more freely because it will be where I am supposed to be.
This much I know now.
I've spent a couple years not really feeling good enough at home nor in the the classroom.
My heart has been divided.
But I love teaching, I think to myself.
But I know no different either.
At twenty-one years of age my feet hit the ground running and I've never really looked back.
Seven years ago I prayed to be able to go part time, and two years later God answered those prayers.
For the past five years I have felt so blessed, but still divided.
I have a foot teetering in the realm of each domain: home and work.
How do I walk away from something that I prayed so hard for, something that only could have been gifted to me by Him?
You just do.
You just do because seasons change.
Your calling has changed.
His plans for you are different than the ones you have mapped out for yourself.
Go. . .
All these ramblings, because today I go to HR to discuss my options for next year.
Truth be told, there really is only one.
I know that in my heart.
Today I go to speak it aloud to the ones who will officially make it happen.
"Go on. Go to God." JF
oh, friend! praying for you as you work this out. sounds exciting, some change is beautiful. this is that kind of change, i think:)
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oh gosh this is such a hard decision to make and I know EXACTLY how you feel. Exactly! Often times people think being Part Time is the perfect situation, but I always felt that it was somewhat even worse than being full time because my mind was neither here nor there, I always felt in between. Praying for you, it's a hard decision to make like i said, but it sounds like it will be one that you know deep down is the right one. Hugs
ReplyDeleteTHAT is so it--you get it!! I know what I'm going to do for now. . .but it feels so strange to think I will not have an occupation attached to me, a job to go to. . .and giving up the part time contract means it might not ever be an option again (if I needed it). Scary but what I need to do. You just left the work place...not too long ago if I remember correctly--How does THAT feel??
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