March 14, 2011

An oldie but goodie:  My Tiffs

I remember hearing or seeing a saying about God gives you a friend for a season or a reason...or something along those lines.  I can't help but think how true that actually is.  My circle of friends has evolved over the years.  I've lost some high school and college friends due to my own actions. 

During college I was in a relationship that wasn't good for me.  I was in turmoil. He cheated, I stayed. He drank. I stayed. He was a mess. I could help him. Or not.  In that time period, I turned my back on a lot of friends that cared for me because they spoke the truth about my relationship and I was choosing not to listen. Besides, he had nothing nice to say about anyone I was friends with.  It seemed they gave him reasons not to trust me. Um...yeah, whatever.

If I secluded myself and put everything into the relationship, it could be fixed.  This guy had problems. He witnessed the death of his first girlfriend as he followed her home from a high school football game and she swerved suddenly and went off the road.  While in college together, two girls began working with me in my work study program, one was in a wheelchair and paralyzed.  They shared my last name and eventually I learned we shared a history with the same guy. These were his girlfriend's sisters who were also in the car the time of the accident, hence the wheelchair.  It's almost as if the day our worlds intertwined, he was changed--and not for the better.

He had told me his story once...leaving out a lot of details but now daily he was forced to face a reminder of what had occurred on that tragic night.  My heart ached for him.  I longed to help him learn how to cope, to see the beauty in the world around him again, to not need a drink to escape the harsh realities our lives sometimes give us...to no avail.  He couldn't love me until he learned how to love himself.  End of the story.

Our actual breakup lasted off and on for about a year, until finally I had the peace I had prayed for.  Everyone had always said, "When you know, you'll just know."  They were so right.  It was so obvious and so over and the heartbreak I experienced was more for him than for myself.  I think over the course of five years I was broken so many times that when I actually said good-bye and meant it--it was something of a relief.  Now maybe my real life could begin...little did I know, that God had already placed the man who would be my husband in my life--it was actually after a four hour lunch of sharing my story with him--all of it, that I was able to break off the relationship.  It was the first time I told the whole story. I shared all the ugly, painful, mean moments of my life with this guy and God finally opened my ears to hear what it was I was saying. What a gift!

Which brings me back to the subject of friendship.  I can not go back and change anything I did or said in my college years pertaining to my friends.  What I did and said sometimes was probably out of jealousy for the lives they lived while I suffered silently and desperately wanted to get out of the ugly clutches of this failing relationship.  Not exactly the right way to go about it, I know that now.  I have had a couple opportunities to meet up with a couple friends from those days and do dinner.  It has felt freeing to say out loud, "I know I made mistakes. . ." and be forgiven. And then there are some I'll never have that opportunity with and it's okay.  I know what's in my heart and so does He.  For those friends that stuck by me and listened to the same story over and over without judgment...thank you.  Those same girls can be counted on today. I have been blessed. . .

As for the college boyfriend?  I don't know, exactly; however, I still pray for peace in his heart.  Wouldn't you consider to take a moment and do the same? Blessings & Thanks. . .