September 27, 2012

Once upon a time, before I knew better, I informed my parents that we were a totally dysfunctional family.  I think I had written a paper on the topic and every single quality I wrote about resonated within me:  this is so us, we are so dysfunctional. . . And of course, because I knew better than them in my late teens--I was totally right.  We were dysfunctional to some extent.  What I know now?  Who isn't.

My dad teases me about those days lovingly.  I thought I knew so much, I thought I had it so together, and I thought I was going to do things so differently from my parents.  You know, because they did such a horrible job.  I laugh now because as a closer to forty-year-old woman trying to raise my own children in a world that moves so rapidly--I struggle.  I struggle daily in my role as wife and mom.  I struggle daily with my own attitude when I selfishly don't want to meet a child's need because I am busy meeting another need:
um. . .laundry.  I struggle to muster up grace and forgiveness when one of them shows attitude or disobedience.  I struggle not to yell as I am asking that the room gets picked up for the fourth time in that hour.  Every. Single. Day. I. Struggle.  "Lord, help me" seems to be my cry out loud prayer these days.

I had an interesting talk with my parents last night.  As we talked about life --we wandered down memory lane.  We relived memories about this situation or event and I found my dad apologizing for doing this or that wrong--and it was so unnecessary! Nine years into this parenting journey has shown me we all do the best we can depending on where we are.  His different may be different than my different, but it was his best self at that particular time.  How can I fault someone for that?  My parents, while not always the poster people for marriage or parenting, have grown and raised three great kids!  Despite this trial or trouble, or that one--they have grown in the process and we have watched that growth take place.  Isn't that what life is all about?

Here I am, giving it the best I've got and I am still struggling.  Still failing. Every. Single. Day. I lean heavily on the Lord these days as I am home with my kids. I lean heavily on the Lord to keep blessing my marriage.  I lean heavily on Him period.  For me, that is the only way.  I am not saying it's the only way, but it is my way for the journey I am on today. 

I  find it amusing that I thought I knew so much.  I guess we all go through that stage; at least I hope we do.  I don't want to be alone in my thoughts of perfection or being the only Miss Know it All!  That was a long time ago in the scheme of life.  I find I know nothing now.  I find that even in my own home there are probably some characteristics of dysfunction that seep in.  It's what I know--it's the sinner, I was born to be. Thank God for forgiveness and grace because somewhere down the road, I imagine I will be apologizing to my kids for this or that--because this is the journey I am on and I am doing the best I can.  My hope and prayer is that they see it and that one day they too will find it unnecessary.  

"Those who seek the Lord lack no good thing". (Psalm 34:10b)