September 24, 2012

1 Timothy 1:5: "But the goal of our instruction is love from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith."

This girl!  Oh, this girl!  She is something else.  The Lord is teaching me some mighty powerful lessons when it comes to child rearing with this one.  Some days, I can verbalize the blessing aloud of me being home more  than in the past.  Other days, it's hard to put my thoughts into well construed sentences because nothing about it seems to make sense.

My head knows that this is where I have always wanted to be--my whole life--two Master's degrees and fifteen teaching years later.  BUT, no one ever really told me how hard it is.  Or maybe they did and I just didn't listen--I had to find out for myself.  Maybe it's not hard, it just seems hard because I am new at this whole stay at home thing.  Maybe it's hard because I put such pressure on myself  with high expectations. Maybe it's hard because the personality of my third born is so different from the rest.  She seems to be learning from them, and just not all the good traits either. . .

I know this is where I am supposed to be because He trusted me enough to put me here; however, I do not think a day has passed where I do not acknowledge that I am totally dependent on Him to get me through some days swirling with almost three-year-old attitude and angst.  I am such a work in progress because this child brings me to my knees.  She makes  me cry out to the Lord for guidance, wisdom, patience, energy, discretion, her dad. . .you name it, I have prayed it.

My heart doesn't ache or break with the "I'm mean," "I'm angry,"  and believe it or not but I actually heard, "I hate you" the other night.  (I've never heard that from the other two.  Never)  I just keep trying patiently (sometimes better than others) to lead her back to shining His light, and asking for forgiveness, to love her, to shower her with grace and teach her right from wrong gently. It is SO hard sometimes!

 She reminds me, dare I say so much of myself.  Not when I was that age, because I was nothing like her--but sometimes her interactions, her self-centeredness, her irritation, her attitude, her need to be doing, her frustration when things don't go according to HER plan. . .I see glimpses of me.  I see glimpses of that high school girl I used to be, that college girl I grew up and away from, and the newlywed who had to learn to do better. Those glimpses I see from time to time aren't my best parts.

On a decent day, I can smile.  In those moments when I actually allow myself to see me in her. . .I can look for the blessing.  She is young.  I can pray as if my life depended on it for her weaknesses.  I can guide her through her frustrations and irritations by reading His words, and we can put on our battle armor and fight this stuff together because sooner or later she will see, we really are on the same team.  He really is our Father, our counselor, our coach. . .and after three Monday sin a row with daddy, he has gained a whole new respect for me being here.  That is definitely a part of God's plan too. . .the two of us teaming up to parent and love as He has instructed us to do.  What an adventure we are on. . .and September isn't even over yet.  I am hopeful.  I am faithful. I am a prayer warrior.  I am blessed.  Through it all, always blessed.