November 8, 2012

This week included the election, which was spent in front of the television at our house.  The kids stayed up until nine o'clock tracking the number of electoral votes each man received.  The next morning they were surprised and excited to hear the winner.  Explaining the election process to them, meant a little research and reviewing for me.  Government class seems a lifetime ago.
In other news. . .
This week also marked a new beginning for the baby.  I'm thinking it may not be a good idea to call her that any more since she started her first day of preschool today.

Yesterday I went to put her on the waiting list since she will be three this month, and there was no line so she could start immediately...like today.  I may have shed a tear or two or twenty yesterday as the realization hit me that she is NOT a baby any more.  As sure as I am that this is the best place to tame her little wild spirit and help her learn and grow with other kids her age, it didn't make the letting go any easier.

It is not about the academics for me.  It is about the structure she needs and it is the answer to her daily plea, "Mama, I have Miss Donna's today?"  Ever since we began the Mommy and Me one day a week program in September she has asked for more.  As difficult as the first month in that class was for me due to her lack of wanting to transition from play time to rug time, I have seen such tremendous growth.  She loves learning.  She loves being with other kids her age; She loves having something to call her own.  So, we decided to take the plunge. 

Today she went in eager to discover.  She left me with a kiss and never looked back. . .

When I returned she was happy to see me, told me she missed me and then I asked her teachers how her day went.  They didn't tell me anything I wasn't expecting.  She knows how to turn it on and off--not with tears, but with arms crossed, shaking her head, and saying no.  She wants to do what she wants to do--and she is fiercely independent. FIERCEly.  The thing this young thing will soon realize, is that her teacher Ms. J is no pushover.  She taught  our other two.  Her consistency, nurturing, and firm but gentle discipline is what brought us back here yet again.  So, we shall see.  After class we drove thru to pickup a cheeseburger, small fry, and milk.  She talked non stop.  I asked her if she wants to go back, "Yes!"

I think the hardest part about letting her go is admitting to myself that I don't have everything she needs--I can't be what she needs by myself at home.  I can teach her, no doubt but she is a social beauty of a beast who desires company and activity and likes to be on the go.  It shouldn't surprise me since she is the only one of my kids that has only had grandma as a babysitter.  Those two were always busy!!  She likes to be on the move, she is interested in what's going on around her. Her eyes light up when then are more than two kids gathered similar in age to her.  She's ready. 

Maybe the reality of the situation is: it's still hard for me to accept my children's flaws, attitudes, or bad character trait moments and not somehow view them as a reflection of me. That age old caring what someone else thinks--how I am perceived as a parent, as an educator, or whatever the title may be. . .still cripples me.  As hard as I strive not to care, the reality is I struggle.  It is there. I don't want to work full time so I can be with my kids, but how does that fit into this equation?

I don't know.  But I do know, He knows.  I've been seeking Him and He is revealing himself to me, showing me the way, guiding me down this path.  It might change.  It might not.  For now we are all right where we need to be: Jeremiah 6:16 
 This is what the Lord says:

“Stand at the crossroads and look;
    ask for the ancient paths,
ask where the good way is, and walk in it,
    and you will find rest for your souls.

October 18, 2012

 This little light of mine, decided to run for student council.  Fortunately, she made it and is her class representative.  Then she decided to run for an office.  Keep in mind, most often these are positions that fifth graders tend to win.  That did nothing to sway her.

 Miss Fearless designed her two posters and late Monday night, we walked across the school to hang them up.  All the while, I'm amazed at her willingness to try; to not be so afraid of failure that she doesn't try at all.  She must get that from her father.  I sure do admire it though!

 

Yesterday as she crossed the street to meet me, I could tell she was not in her normal good spirits.  Apparently someone had taken one of her posters down and she found it in the bathroom.  Her teacher helped her hang it again, but by the time school let out it was gone again.
"Why is someone being so mean?"
What was I supposed to say to that?
We had a nice little chat last night when I was tucking her in.  We talked about winning and losing and all the stuff in between.  I told her how much I admired that God had created her to be so fearless and to try new things.  We talked about celebrating Friday night because she's already a winner--she is trying something that most other fourth graders are not.  We will be celebrating her courage, commitment, and the success of her first public speech. . .which I will miss due to work: (


This morning I lit all the candles, made her bacon and eggs and am waiting for her to rise and greet her.  I am focusing on placing value and affirmation here at home so the disappointments from a mean kid might not hurt as badly.  For as strong as my girl is, her heart is an open book.  I want to fill her up with love, understanding, patience, and joy this day.  I want her to see the simple act of running for an office is a big deal--because she sees a way to make a difference, to shine His light and even if she doesn't win, then she has experience to help her in the future!  How she handles the "mean"kids is part of the challenge before her.  I am praying she rises up to meet it with dignity, grace, and love.

Note:  She did not win the election but I am so proud of her for trying.  dad and I pulled her out of school for lunch and she was already laying out the plans for next year--that's my girl!

October 10, 2012

Sometimes you are bound to be led down this road.  I'm kind of stuck on it right now.  I will write when I have something positive or productive to say. In the meantime praying, "Your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven"--Matthew 6:10

September 24, 2012

1 Timothy 1:5: "But the goal of our instruction is love from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith."

This girl!  Oh, this girl!  She is something else.  The Lord is teaching me some mighty powerful lessons when it comes to child rearing with this one.  Some days, I can verbalize the blessing aloud of me being home more  than in the past.  Other days, it's hard to put my thoughts into well construed sentences because nothing about it seems to make sense.

My head knows that this is where I have always wanted to be--my whole life--two Master's degrees and fifteen teaching years later.  BUT, no one ever really told me how hard it is.  Or maybe they did and I just didn't listen--I had to find out for myself.  Maybe it's not hard, it just seems hard because I am new at this whole stay at home thing.  Maybe it's hard because I put such pressure on myself  with high expectations. Maybe it's hard because the personality of my third born is so different from the rest.  She seems to be learning from them, and just not all the good traits either. . .

I know this is where I am supposed to be because He trusted me enough to put me here; however, I do not think a day has passed where I do not acknowledge that I am totally dependent on Him to get me through some days swirling with almost three-year-old attitude and angst.  I am such a work in progress because this child brings me to my knees.  She makes  me cry out to the Lord for guidance, wisdom, patience, energy, discretion, her dad. . .you name it, I have prayed it.

My heart doesn't ache or break with the "I'm mean," "I'm angry,"  and believe it or not but I actually heard, "I hate you" the other night.  (I've never heard that from the other two.  Never)  I just keep trying patiently (sometimes better than others) to lead her back to shining His light, and asking for forgiveness, to love her, to shower her with grace and teach her right from wrong gently. It is SO hard sometimes!

 She reminds me, dare I say so much of myself.  Not when I was that age, because I was nothing like her--but sometimes her interactions, her self-centeredness, her irritation, her attitude, her need to be doing, her frustration when things don't go according to HER plan. . .I see glimpses of me.  I see glimpses of that high school girl I used to be, that college girl I grew up and away from, and the newlywed who had to learn to do better. Those glimpses I see from time to time aren't my best parts.

On a decent day, I can smile.  In those moments when I actually allow myself to see me in her. . .I can look for the blessing.  She is young.  I can pray as if my life depended on it for her weaknesses.  I can guide her through her frustrations and irritations by reading His words, and we can put on our battle armor and fight this stuff together because sooner or later she will see, we really are on the same team.  He really is our Father, our counselor, our coach. . .and after three Monday sin a row with daddy, he has gained a whole new respect for me being here.  That is definitely a part of God's plan too. . .the two of us teaming up to parent and love as He has instructed us to do.  What an adventure we are on. . .and September isn't even over yet.  I am hopeful.  I am faithful. I am a prayer warrior.  I am blessed.  Through it all, always blessed.

July 24, 2012

And the answer was. . . No.  The bank will not lower the house price to that of the appraisal so we are walking away.  We are closing the door on this escrow proceeding and although disappointed, we are filled with gratitude for what we do have.  We weren't looking to move, the house found us.  If it is meant to be has always been our motto--and apparently it is not.  I can't wrap my mind around paying $31,000 over what the house is worth today.  The fact that a government agency, Fannie Mae even went so far as to suggest we join their "Homepath Program" so the appraisal wouldn't be an issue completely boggles my mind.  Isn't that how the whole housing fiasco started?  People paying over inflated prices for their homes and then losing them?  This is not a club I am interested in joining.  Nor am I wanting to pay PMI for the next several years while we try to gain equity. . .in a house that still needs a lot of work.  Paint and new carpet only do so much.

So, I resolve to spend the rest of our summer days not worrying about that house.  I resolve to love every second of life in this one.  I also resolve to let people know of Fannie Mae's unethical practices because. . .it just isn't right.  As is life, always an adventure--knowing we are choosing to walk away makes this a little easier to swallow.  a little.

But this was waiting for me this morning, my postcard from the Cosmos. . .
Go with it. Roll, janene. Swerve. 

The "unexpected" is just my way of preparing you for more than you knew to ask for. 

Bounce back, serpentine, 2-step - 
    The Universe

I can live with that: )