October 7, 2012

Today I am following the tradition of writing a letter to the birthday kid.  

Only today it is to myself.

Dear Janene,

Happy birthday!

How is it that another year has come and gone?  I know.  I remember, last year wasn't exactly one for the memory books. But here we are, another year older, another year wiser, another year under our belt and I feel like perhaps this year has been one of complete and utter despair sometimes.  I feel like for the first time EVER, EVER,  I tried to follow the path God set before me.  I put my complete and utter trust in Him and was led by His hand into this complete unknown world of dying more to myself so that I could give more to others.

This was the year of peace.  Peace in my heart, peace in my soul.  This was the year to put my judgements to the side, and more often than not keep my opinions to myself if it didn't involve me. Did I think things?  Yes, absolutely.  Did I always put it out there for everyone else to know?  Absolutely not.  Total improvement over here. In this year of peace, my relationship with you, Lord grew, I felt you leading me to worship at one place and enjoy fellowship at another.  I found peace with that decision for our little family. I found peace of mind when the whole house thing fell through. I was disappointed, of course--but realize your plan and mine are totally different sometimes.  That's just the way it is.  I can live with that,

When I finally gave myself permission to quit my teaching job to be home with the kids more...God, you gifted me an opportunity to ease out a little easier.  With a one day a week contract I still do what I enjoy, but without all the headaches associated with full time teaching these days.  Public education is not what it used to be. . .I miss the good old days when we weren't driven by test scores, and scores alone.  However, through this first hand experience with scores, God, you opened my eyes to really see my children for who they are:to accept them and their abilities.  With these new lenses you've crafted for me, I can take the responsibility I feel as a "teacher" to acknowledge and accept that my children's performance in school is not a direct reflection of who I am.  Thank you for that.  Homework hour is so much easier now.

Janene, it is only through this new found hunger and thirst for Him that your life has been filled with good, solid people of faith with whom you can share your heart. You have drawn near to those who lift you up and you have reached out and made connections that otherwise may have never been.  The Lord is doing big and beautiful things with you, friend.  Big and beautiful.  It may not be the amount on that teeny weenie little paycheck you received on the first, it may not ever be your own office as a counselor. . .but big in the sense that you are investing in the precious gift He has loaned you for a little while.  The days are long, but the years are short. . .Beautiful is the fact that tears fall from my eyes as I type this. . .you were all alone this week, friend.  No husband to look forward to at the end of a long day to reprieve you; restless nights because your soul mate wasn't there. . .but yet, God in all his mercies, poured favor upon favor of you this week because while it was hard and tiring--Janessa didn't have one fit.  Not. One. Tantrum.  You kept your cool and you did good, friend.  You did good because He lifted you up and carried you through the days with opportunities for fellowship with the wonderful women He has placed in my life.  Your family, your besties, your Good Morning Girls.  You are blessed.

And so this year has gone, Janene.  Blessing upon blessing.  You are actually living your dream--the one you had written on your heart but didn't dare speak aloud in case it never happened?  Yes, that one.  You are home with your babies.  You are lighting their hearts on fire for Christ--you are accepting them as they are and getting rid of your selfish expectation of who they should be.  You are filled with gratitude for a husband who works hard so that your dreams can continue to come true.  You are closer to the forties and there isn't a single thing to fear.  It is just a number that I look at proudly because I like the me I am so much more today than who I was at twenty-seven.  I am sure I will like who I am at forty-seven even more so. What a beautiful thought.

Janene.  For as many revelations as you have had, for as many times you have called out to God in complete frustration, for as much love as you have given and received. . .you are who He has meant you to be.  Love yourself.  Give yourself grace.  Forgive yourself and move on.  There is so much freedom in loving the you--you are today--just how you are: inside and out.  Happy birthday.  Enjoy everything about this day, especially that husband who traveled four hours just to be home for twenty-four.

With love & gratitude,
Your 36-year-old self