Dear Mom

 Dear Mom,

You're my mom and I love you so much. True. You're my mom and I know you loved me so much. True. But it's the every day "you" stuff that I miss so dang badly. The way when you called or I called you, your opening liner was generally the same, "What do you know?" It always had a sing-songy cadence to it. I wish I appreciated the way you gave a play by play of your day to me. God, you always accomplished so much! Sometimes it was annoying to hear who you helped or how you helped because honestly, it made me reflect on myself and whether I was using my God given gifts to serve like you were. A lot of days I needed your help carting four kids around or cheering from the sidelines. Anything I needed to do, you were always willing. Urgent care? You would take me. Target? You'd go for me. A museum iwth the kids? Why not? You were always ready for anything!

If myself or the kids needed anything at all, most times you had it. If you didn't have it, you went out and found it. You loved a good challenge! How many whirly-pop things did you actually find for people at the thrift stores? You were so damn generous! You were such a thoughtful, quality human being that it physically hurts that you are not still here. We never recorded your answers to that book you went through with Grandma and Grandpa and transcribed. I know the ins and outs of their lives, but never took enough time to lean in, listen, and learn about yours. That hurts my heart. I don't know how to parent adult children yet. I still need you, yet you're gone. In an instant, you were gone from this life and living in eternal life. 

To add to the pain, John Michael isn't here to make inappropriate jokes and make me laugh through my tears or recall memories of our childhood together. Everything in my world got so much harder October.  1st and even harder on October 25th. To be honest, I can't even ask God, why? Because all I hear in my head from Maria's podcast is your voice saying, "Why not me?" I know better than to question God's plan. I do. I know for certain, one day we will be together again. I do. But today? Today I miss seeing your white Prius pull up at the curb, calling me to run out for some random drop off you were bringing me. Today without you, sick at home, I miss your homemade soups. I don't think you ever made a single one that I didn't like and I haven't found a single recipe for one. 

Today and every day since you've been gone, I miss you. 

Love you forever; Miss you for always.

Bye Bye Summer. . .It's Back to School

Oh, these kids!  I look at them growing up right before my very eyes and I am amazed at who they are becoming. The more I've leaned into God, the more I've come to really appreciate and pour into this chosen career of mine: motherhood.

Our fifth and third graders are both on the same side of the campus now.  I can see the twinkle lights in the third grade classroom from my upstairs bedroom window and each time I pass, I intentionally pray for my son, his teacher, and classmates.  I love that he is so close. I don't love that he still is not a big fan of homework.  Truth be told son, neither am I.  We'll get through it.  We always do. This fifth grader of mine who is growing into her own skin and so dang comfortable with who she is.  I often find myself thinking, "Who are you?"  How is it that I learn so much from you? Your confidence? Your courage?  Your strength?  Your ability to block out the words of the world?  Your ability to be who God intends you to be?  It amazes me.  It humbles me.  It seems you have a knowledge that has taken me years and tears to learn.  I want to be just like you when I'm really grown. 

And my pre-school princess, whose first day wasn't this week--but who had to be a part of the pictures anyway.  I get it.  I do.   I'm relishing in our tea parties and walks around town.  I tell people I have two years with you until kindergarten will beckon.  Sometimes that feels like an eternity.  Sometimes it doesn't feel long enough.  We are on year number two together with this awesome one day a week work schedule of mine and I'm learning to say no to the unnecessary stuff.  The stuff that I feel like I should be doing because I'm at home, but the things that aren't necessarily the most important use of my time.  That's a hard lesson to learn sometimes.  I am definitely a work in progress.  For sure.

I have so much hope for a good school year.  So many prayers on my heart for these kids of mine, their teachers, the kids they are surrounded by daily...but I saw this prayer at We Are That Family and tailored it to fit our needs(which means I only deleted two prayers that didn't apply):

I pray you will be near them when I can’t be.
I pray if they don’t feel your presence, they will seek you and discover you’re right there with them.
I pray you will surround them with peace and comfort in every new situation.
I pray when they are pressured, you will help them stand.
I pray they find one good friend, a brother or sister in Christ because it’s hard to stand alone.
I pray that 7 AM won’t come as early this year.
I pray when they fail, they will forgive themselves and try again.
I pray my kids will befriend those that are new, lonely or both.
I pray they will not sit next the child who has to throw up in the class trashcan.
I pray they will be a blessing to their teacher and not a curse.
I pray you will bless them with Godly teachers as you have in the past.
I pray they will have fun. But not too much, if you know what I mean.
I pray they will let their light shine, quietly or loudly, but in their own way.
I pray homework will be light and not become Home. Work.
I pray that you will help me to trust their choices, let them go even when it’s hard, and pull them close when they need me to the most.
I pray above all, God,  that you would use their challenges, disappointments and victories to draw them closer to you this school year.