I am Only Human. . .

"I'm only human. . ." echoes throughout my mind when I get down on myself for my attitude related to all things with this weekends madness; with the uncertainties of raising someone else's child; with the lack of financial assistance; with the yuck feelings associated with our mess followed by glimpses of the kind kid we have the privilege of showing a better life.  It's all so very complicated and messy.  So grueling and unusual. So...NOT WHAT I SIGNED UP FOR and how to do it with a happy heart all the time is beyond me.

Then I talk to people about it and they say how nice it is to do what we are doing.  But does ANYBODY really know how hard it is?  It is beyond me how my Lord thinks I am equipped to do this.  I thank Him daily that this boy is a good kid, who has a kind heart, but the truth is, I never even knew him before.  Seeing him three times a year did not exactly develop this great, loving relationship that lent itself to us being the best people for this job of  caring for him.  It doesn't feel natural.  It isn't natural.  But it's our life now and I get frustrated and angry and irritated and just plain tired.

So much of what I write, focuses on my blessings and this beautiful life I have been gifted, but there are moments clouded by darkness--a darkness that I myself create.  I know it's up to me to pull myself out of it and to reach inward and upward to my God who has called me to this.  But it's hard.  And I always want to remember the struggle so I can see my strength, made possible only by the God who if he calls me, then he will equip me.  20Now the God of peace, who brought up from the dead the great Shepherd of the sheep through the blood of the eternal covenant, even Jesus our Lord, 21equip you in every good thing to do His will, working in us that which is pleasing in His sight, through Jesus Christ, to whombe the glory forever and ever. Amen.  Hebrews 13:20-21

I'm hopeful that you are only human too.  And that this mess is only temporary.  I pray the cloud lifts and the sun shines through on this situation.  I pray for peace and grace. I remind myself to bend so I don't break.  And then I get up and start again, with prayers before my feet even hit the floor.  It has become my new way of life...the only real way to do life, if you ask me.  Exhale.  Breathe deep.  Start again.  Repeat.  Exhale, breathe deep. Start again. Repeat

Weekend Goodness

Sometimes I crash from counting my joys and I wallow in self pity or frustration for our current situation with extending ourselves and opening our home.  I get mad at circumstances, not the people involved. Truth be told, people sometimes get the gist of my fury though.  The planner in me keeps butting heads with an adult who doesn't really know how to think things through and time is never of the essence. . .so we plug along, day by day and I breathe deep gulps of gratitude, lest my everyday joys cancel out my daily frustrations in a situation where I have very little control.  I keep praying about the parts of myself that need refining; the parts that keep being revealed...and I am reminded that ALL things will work together for good.  I don't know where we're going with all of this, but I know a 13-year-old has guidance, family, and the chance to be a kid who is taken care of instead of doing the care taking.  And that is good.

So was the weekend.  It was just the five of us, but it was jam packed with goodness and joy.

Besties for life.

Sarah's 5th birthday party.

Getting her art on at a cute party on Sunday.

Love. Roar.

My tiger love.

Painting with dad.

And that is enough.