November 21, 2011

I actually don't remember where I was when I first heard the news.
I remember driving to pick up my little brother from preschool.
I remember talk of angels and clouds and heaven.
I remember my grandparents coming over and taking us to dinner.
I remember sitting in the back seat of their yellow Volvo feeling numb.
I remember sitting on my parent's bed with my two brothers watching Beverly Hills 90210 that evening.
I remember now that I had no idea of how my whole life was forever changed.


My Nana had died.

My life would never be the same again.
My dad was different.
My aunt was different.
My Papa was different.
My uncle was different.
Nothing was the same.

Grief does strange things to people.
Guilt does stranger things to people.
Grief and guilt combined?
This can break one.

Twenty years ago today my Nana died.
No more songs sung to me...
"Who's that girl in the pink jacket?"
No more, "I love my Janene Marie."
No more damp washcloths and blessings on car drives.
No more little square gum pieces from the bank.

Pan dulce and grandma's coffee will never taste the same.

But because she died...
I learned early on that sometimes the people we love most can hurt us the most.
I learned that we can honor the dead by honoring their wishes.
I learned that life is short.
I learned that death is not an end.

Twenty years later...
I have a daughter named after her,
a chair reupholstered from her living room,
two bird statues from her collection...
but more importantly I have memories.
Memories and lessons learned from the life she lived and the kids she raised.
Twenty years ago today my Nana died.
My life has never been the same since.

20. Today I am thankful for the light Lene shined in her production.
21. Today I am thankful for lazy days and the husband's work day being cancelled. Happy Day!.