Then I talk to people about it and they say how nice it is to do what we are doing. But does ANYBODY really know how hard it is? It is beyond me how my Lord thinks I am equipped to do this. I thank Him daily that this boy is a good kid, who has a kind heart, but the truth is, I never even knew him before. Seeing him three times a year did not exactly develop this great, loving relationship that lent itself to us being the best people for this job of caring for him. It doesn't feel natural. It isn't natural. But it's our life now and I get frustrated and angry and irritated and just plain tired.
So much of what I write, focuses on my blessings and this beautiful life I have been gifted, but there are moments clouded by darkness--a darkness that I myself create. I know it's up to me to pull myself out of it and to reach inward and upward to my God who has called me to this. But it's hard. And I always want to remember the struggle so I can see my strength, made possible only by the God who if he calls me, then he will equip me. 20Now the God of peace, who brought up from the dead the great Shepherd of the sheep through the blood of the eternal covenant, even Jesus our Lord, 21equip you in every good thing to do His will, working in us that which is pleasing in His sight, through Jesus Christ, to whombe the glory forever and ever. Amen. Hebrews 13:20-21
I'm hopeful that you are only human too. And that this mess is only temporary. I pray the cloud lifts and the sun shines through on this situation. I pray for peace and grace. I remind myself to bend so I don't break. And then I get up and start again, with prayers before my feet even hit the floor. It has become my new way of life...the only real way to do life, if you ask me. Exhale. Breathe deep. Start again. Repeat. Exhale, breathe deep. Start again. Repeat
You know, what you are doing is HARD work. It's beautiful and a blessing and truly wonderful, but all of those things doesn't negate the messy and the hard and it's okay to feel that way at times. I'm learning that accepting that these feelings are OKAY is the first step to letting them go and moving forward. It's okay to be overwhelmed at times. It's okay to feel inept. It's okay to wonder how you are going to untie the jumble that life has given you. And it's amazing that you know that when you feel these things to turn to the Lord. I really struggle with THAT. With turning to him and saying, this is a mess and I can't do it alone. Instead, I try to and fall and fall and fall before the lightbulb goes off. Sending prayers for peace and grace.
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