Lent, Loss, and Littles

Did I mention that I was giving up Instagram this Lenten season?  I have. I miss it terribly, but probably not for all the right reasons.  Apparently, I'm not really good at self control.  I found myself scrolling through feeds every chance I got.  And all for what really?  A small glimpse into someone else's seemingly perfect life?  On social media, people share the best parts.  They share what they want you to see.  And sometimes I'm the one that is left feeling not good enough based simply on what I see.  The person whose kids are so darn together all the time?  Mine will walk out, hair looking like Diana Ross if I let her.  My ragamuffin takes great pride in dressing herself even if I cringe in her color combinations or shoes on the wrong feet.  And what about feeling left out of certain circles because pictures are posted from an event you weren't invited to?  While I know, you can't always be invited it still might sting for just a second.  I try to be respectful and responsible with what I post, but really I have no control over what the people around me do. Sigh

I am finding the desire to be on my phone has diminished some simply by taking Instagram away.  Why did it take a giving up of something to see the error of my ways?  In the car when E drives, I'm engaging in conversation now, not staring down at my device.  When we're watching a movie together, I'm not tempted to sneak a peek of the life someone else is living and enjoying mine.  It is obvious to me that my personality is such that social media is addictive.  One Lent left me saying good-bye to Facebook and this one is figuring to be the same with Instagram.  Relief.

It's not pretty to recognize a behavior that needs to be changed.  It's especially hard to accept when the letting go of this said behavior feels like a loss.  It's real and personal.  Yuck! "No man is able to be a servant to two masters: for he will have hate for the one and love for the other, or he will keep to one and have no respect for the other. You may not be servants of God and of wealth".--Matthew 6:24  

Had I become a slave to my phone? No bueno.  


In the meantime, I am thankful that I knew what I needed to give up and was obedient to His request. Everything looks so much better when I'm not looking at the screen of my iphone and am instead, enjoying the life going on around me!  We celebrated three birthdays last week.  The boys took a desert trip for some off road fun.  I got to spend some one on one time with my oldest little lady.  We enjoyed tea together and listened to a message about God keeping his eye upon the sparrow.  I'm noticing all of these little signs of her growing up and I'm enjoying those moments she lets me pour into her and is absolutely lovely and agreeable.  Truth is, I realize it won't always be this way but I'm thankful for it now and appreciate this calm before the inevitable teenage storm.  

And since I'm not living with my hand on the phone. . .I don't have a lot of pictures to post.  But that's okay. I'm engraving them on my heart.  Even better: )

Seeing Things

I saw a most interesting sight this morning.   The first time I saw "it"  but" it" didn't register.  Honestly, I think I may have wondered quickly, "what in the world?" but that thought was quickly replaced by walking my preschooler to her classroom and saying good-bye.  As I waited at the stop sign, right turn signal blinking, I saw "it" again. Then I paused before proceeding into my turn where I could really see "it."
The man wasn't so much who I was interested in.  "It" was the cross he carried as he walked down Bonita Ave. in broad daylight that had my attention.  The real, wooden cross that took my mind off everything else. . .because he looked like I imagine Jesus did as he carried his cross on his way to his crucifixion and and the crowds stood by and watched.

This man's cross was large and wooden but it had a wheel or something that was helping him to drag it as he walked.  And I'm not sure what fascinated me more.  His walking with it down the busy avenue or  the concept behind it--and that I would happen to see him, dragging this during the Lenten season.  I couldn't shake the image--still can't because of what that cross represents.

I wish I had stopped and not just assumed it was his preferred method of exercise for the day.  I bet there is an interesting meaning or reason for why he does this. Yet I find it odd that I travel this road three times a week at the exact same time and I have never seen him before--then I wonder if I will see him again.  Finally my brain goes into this weird world of what if that was Jesus and I just drove by.  I didn't give him the time of day because I was too busy returning library books and going grocery shopping.  I mean, really Janene! How many times, Janene?

I had a similar experience a year ago. Bubba was in the car with me.  It was a beautiful Summer like day and we were driving to Sam's Club when I could make out a strange image ahead to my right.  I say strange because from a distance it looked like a pale, naked woman with long, flowing hair walking North while I was traveling South.  As we waited at a light, sure enough, it was a naked woman without even a pair of shoes.  My eyes bugged out of my head and when the light turned green I went--I looked back at my son who was looking out the window. . .of course he was! His surprised expression answered the question I spoke aloud, "Was that what I thought it was?" He responded, "Yep, she was naked."

I continued driving, totally in disbelief with what we had both just seen.  Then I panicked, what if she wasn't okay.  People weren't stopping. And I had that thought, what if. . .and I just drove on?  So, I turned around as soon as I could legally do u turn. . .and she had just vanished!  I didn't see any police officers or any sign of anything.  She was just gone.  If my son hadn't seen her too, I would have thought I was a little crazy.

Today's sighting made me think of that day--and I pretty much just drove by--AGAIN! I guess the good is that both incidents made me take pause and reflect.  I think I may just have to take a walk tomorrow morning and see if our paths cross so I could actually ask if there's a story behind the carrying of the cross.  Maybe it only comes out at Lent.  Maybe it is his way to remind the rest of us of the sacrifice He made for our sins.  Maybe, maybe, maybe. . .and maybe not. But I like the way it made me think. 

Lost too Soon to Lung Cancer

This week was a heavy one.  I attended the rosary for a former student.  In seventeen years of teaching, I've encountered over a thousand students easily. . .and when I first heard this student was sick, I knew just who she was.  I could picture her.  Usually, I can recognize some former students by sight--names might or might not come to me--but this one?  I knew who she was.  She was the kind of student you thoroughly enjoyed and appreciated.  She was attentive and well mannered.  She was inquisitive and encouraging. She was quiet and conscientious, actively involved on campus and just an overall good girl.

From what I heard and read, the traits she had while in my eighth grade Language Arts class followed her to the high school.  Of course they did!  She was THAT kind of person:  4.5 gpa, cheerleader, hospital volunteer, aspiring surgeon. . .who at 17-years-old was diagnosed with lung cancer.  Tragic.  It's hard for me to wrap my head around the idea of her suffering and being sick--this girl with such strong work ethic, and pride, such a promising future.  It breaks my heart for her family, and for her friends.  

And it makes me take pause and love on my littles a little longer. Tucking them in at the end of an exhausting day was relished as a gift instead of a chore.  I looked into their eyes and listened when they were talking to me.  We held hands and picked flowers.  We hiked and explored just because we could.  I read aloud a whole chapter a night instead of cutting it short. . .It's amazing how death, especially that of someone so young, can expand your mama heart to look past the drudgery and embrace it all.  It's the realization that another mom a city away is wailing into the night for what used to be normal--and just like that, it's gone. She's gone.

I absolutely positively do not understand how people come through crisis without their faith.  I realized in church Thursday night, as we prayed the rosary aloud in a church filled to capacity, my prayers and my faith in God and the promise of heaven is all that could get me through. Heck, my faith is all I could think of as I walked up the aisle to pay my respect for her family and a constant stream of prayers were uttered silently in my heart for their comfort and healing.  

Lung cancer. Seventeen.  Sandra.  Those words just don't belong together, yet there they are.  And all I can offer is my prayers.  And all I can ask is that you might do the same please.  

2 Corinthians 5:6-8 So we are always of good courage. We know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord, for we walk by faith, not by sight. Yes, we are of good courage, and we would rather be away from the body and at home with the Lord.

Hamster, Happiness and Everything in Between

Last week was one of a kind, really.  We had to lay Lene's hamster, Skittles, also known by Nessa as Scoots, to rest.  The kids just happened to have minimum day for most of the week so she had a few girls over to celebrate his life.  It was a beautiful service with bible verses read, two eulogies and a most quaint rendition of "Star Spangled Banner."  His final resting place is in grandma and grandpa's backyard alongside some of our other furry friends who have gone before.

The celebration was a simple gathering of friends, lifting each other up on an otherwise dark day.  I love the simplicity of being a kid and the things that make you feel better and more able to move on.  Note to self:  follow their leads.

The weekend was one of rest and family time.  Saturday ended up at the park with one of Jonathan's close friends from school.  It just happened we both arrived at the same time and got to let our kids enjoy each other's company while we visited and shared how faithful God has been in our lives.  I love when that happens:  what a gift!

Some lovely lemons were given to us from a friend's tree so what a perfect opportunity to make fresh squeezed lemonade together!  The top left picture was taken Saturday morning.  I happened to catch Jonathan with one of the neighbor boys, eating sunflower seeds atop our light posts in the front yard.  They were so cute to listen to and watch from afar.  I didn't want to ruin their third and fourth grade cuteness by opening the door to ask for a picture (even though it would have turned out much cuter ).  I was able to kick my feed up and listen to my girl as she belted out practice solo parts for choir.  Her voice, music to my ears regardless of if she gets a part.  Mother/Son night out with my Bubba-love-a  was a gift.  hearing his heart and all the happenings at school, sitting side by side and totally engaged in conversation for a whole meal with NO interruptions. . .priceless!!!

Sunday dinner at my uncle's with some home made Peruvian food was different from our average day but a gift nonetheless.  Being with my siblings and cousins is my idea of fun.  So much so, that we went out with another set of cousins for wine tasting the night before.  That was fun too!  What a great weekend we had!

Lent started and we gave up dessert as a family.  This sacrifice is a lot easier than television as we have done in the past.  I gave up my favorite social media outlet: Instagram.  It was too easy to browse aimlessly throughout my day.  It has only been a week and I feel like this fast will be a good one for me.  I feel it and it makes me realize how I waste time that could be spent truly connecting with my kids, husband, or friends.  I am still slowly sipping on Hands Free Mama.  I'm going through the house and donating forty bags in forty days and am being cautiously optimistic that my distracted, busy life is able to be reigned in.  I will use this Lenten season to focus on the ones who are here in my everyday world that need all of me--my eyes meeting theirs, my ears hearing their hearts, my hands holding theirs, my feet walking beside them to play or do, and all the while relishing this gift that is their childhood and the role I have to play in it.

In the meantime, I'm still stepping out on faith and seeing where God lands me.  Keeping my eyes on Him.  All the time.

Last Daddy/Daughter Dance of Her Elementary Years

Another last for her elementary years. . .It has flown by.  So sad but so blessed by the relationship that has developed with this daughter.  The future is wide open and she will always be a daddy's girl.

Keep My Eyes Above the Waves. . .and Other Thoughts on Faith

I was so looking forward to the normalcy of this week.  Then three kids got pink eye.  And I had my observation at work.  And gift baskets for the silent auction have to be put together for Saturday.  And then my job share partner called and we had the conversation that needed to be had and I'm walking away from my twenty percent.  I knew going into this year, that it would probably be our last as her personal life situation has changed.  I prayed that if it's God's intention that I stay in the classroom, then He would open a door--I mean He seriously has delivered the last two times I've shifted into part time status.  This time I felt ready for the move out of two worlds and into just my home BUT then in December my partner said she could swing it.  She wanted to share a classroom again.  If I'm honest with myself, the first feeling I had was disappointment but I knew it was God's will for me to stay part of both worlds.  How could it not be?  I had to do it if she was able to!

Then today we found out administration was shifting things around and math and science were to be in my future if we continue to share.  I am not a math teacher. When the conversation continued it just felt like it was my time to exit.  I talked to my husband. Then we notified our principal.  And then I might have panicked as I tried to reconcile my heart and mind to get in sync with each other and just be still.  My first instinct was to call Human Resources and see what else is out there in the part time world--but as I entered this year with my prayer to God--I promised myself I wouldn't search it out.  Whatever it was meant to be would come to me.  By making the call to HR it felt like I wasn't trusting God enough--or I didn't know if I agreed with His answer.  How's that for faith?


I sent out a couple texts to friends that resembled this:

The day wore on and I did what needed to be done--drove to the store with one of my sickies and we conversed until we were out of words.  Because the silence was drowned out by my thoughts--I turned on the radio and low and behold the song that had just concluded my Mom's Heart weekend was just beginning on XM  "Oceans"  by Hillsong. 

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand
I will call upon Your name And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise my soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now
So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine.

Do you see the theme yet? And then as if that wasn't enough, when I was getting into my car, I hit the unlock button on my remote and heard something drop.  I looked down in the gutter to see my key chain staring up at me: Trust in the Lord.

Be still. Have Faith. Trust.  Uh-huh. I get it.  Really I do. 

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
--Philipians 4:6

Updated 3/1:  I've been behaving.  I haven't contacted Human Resources and I'm not planning to.  For someone who has always claimed I don't "hear" God speak to me. . .I need the sky writing, I just can't get over the ways He has been speaking peace and faith into my heart.  Through messages in my inbox and the gift of friends who know Him and breathe His truths into my life, I can say four days later, I am excited to see what exactly God has planned for my life!

It just boggles my mind the way He is revealing himself to me--reminding me if there is a time to act out my faith--it is now!

 Do you see what book in the bible I'm reading in an on line study that I am completing by myself? Some days I get to it and some days I don't--but this week I did and look what the day's verses were about:
John 6:16-21

English Standard Version (ESV)

Jesus Walks on Water

¹⁶ When evening came, his disciples went down to the sea, ¹⁷ got into a boat, and started across the sea to Capernaum. It was now dark, and Jesus had not yet come to them. ¹⁸ The sea became rough because a strong wind was blowing. ¹⁹ When they had rowed about three or four miles,^[a] they saw Jesus walking on the sea and coming near the boat, and they were frightened. ²⁰ But he said to them, “It is I; do not be afraid.” ²¹ Then they were glad to take him into the boat, and immediately the boat was at the land to which they were going.

Jesus walks on water people!!!!!!  I'm just so excited that I had to come back here and share!  

Finally, my daily devotional Wednesday mentioned walking on the water again! This, my friends is NOT a coincidence--it's a theme God is weaving into the fabric of my life to take heart and be still and know than He is God and that my faith will carry me if I believe in Him enough!!!!!

I can not begin to tell anyone how monumental this week has been in my life.  If ever there was a time that I truly felt God speaking truths into my life--it would have to be now.  I write here to encourage you, my friends, my daughters, my sons, that He is ALL you will ever need and do not be discouraged if there are times in your life where you are like, "Hello, God?  I need the skywriting, please.  I need to KNOW." 

If you pray boldly, and consistently He will answer.  It might not be the answer you're expecting or want to hear. . .but He will answer.  Prepare your hearts and minds to receive the words, the promises He has over your life.  Because when you do?  The peace and joy you will feel is amazing!

My Lene Bean. . . World Changer

Dearest Oldest Daughter,

I have to write this to you today because I just can not reiterate it enough:  God is SO faithful!  He sees you. He knows your heart and He knows you take your job seriously each day you armor up and head out the front door to the public school wielding His love and word as your main weapons.  He speaks to you in the whispers of the words printed in your Jesus Calling Devotional.  He embraces you in prayer as we pray aloud for the intentions of the day and then He uses me to bless your forehead with a simple request as you head out the door--to shine His light.

Once upon a time, I held your little hand in mine as we crossed the street to get you to where you needed to be safely.  Now, I stand at our front door and watch as you carefully look to the left, then to the right and pause before stepping out into the street that separates us for seven hours of our day.  Seven hours!  Bean, talk about a leap of faith and putting all my worries into God's hands!  Sending you to school is a test of my faith... Every. Single. Day.  There is so much that works on your little heart--gossip, meanies, growing up too quickly, talk you might not be ready for. . . and yet still we send you off  BUT with God daily.

Bean, there have been so many more good days than bad days in your six years at our little neighborhood school.  I look forward to our weekly lunch dates and cooking a hot meal and sharing it with you on Thursdays.  I can not believe that in a matter of months this chapter will be closed.  It breaks my heart a little more each day.  But at the same time, God is gifting me this beautiful daughter who I am learning from and growing with!  I do not take this gift lightly, love.

I hope you realize what an incredible honor it was to be chosen as one of the recipients of the Manny Hernandez Kindness Award.  Different times when you've cried because you were passed up for a Good Citizenship award at assemblies--but were kind anyways.  God saw.  When you walked away from the drama and found new girls to play with,  God saw.  When you introduced yourself to the new kid at school, God saw.  When you were polite to teachers and school personnel, God saw.  God SEES everything Bean.  So handle today with love, love, and more love.  I wish I had recorded all that was said about you last night.  My mama heart was so incredibly proud BUT it soared and actually stopped hearing anything else except, the student who wrote, "She has a heart for God and it shows."

Last night's award was more confirmation that God uses normal people to change the world.  You are an ambassador for Christ and He is writing your story.  As Ruth Schwenk said at the Mom Heart Conference a few weeks back, "Our mission and calling as moms is to raise and release children who, like everyone else in God's story are called to glorify the creator."  Who you are in relation to other people is so much more important that what you accomplish.  I would much prefer raising disciples for Christ than having a smart kid who doesn't see the world as his or her mission field.  I am so blessed by your vision for your life--I'm blessed that you desire to shine God's light, be it on a stage, in the classroom, at recess or lunch--wherever you travel.  Your heart is pure.  I love you.

Imprint this award on your heart.  Be kind, even when it's hard.  Love freely, even when you might not want to.  Forgive easily, it's as much a gift for you as the offender.  Be thankful, count your blessings even on the bad days.  Create joy out of any and every circumstance.  You are headed in the right direction, fully armored with Christ's love and scripture.  Be brave in your battle as you continue to be a disciple for the One who loves you most.


From around the universe a million times and back,

Mama

⁶ And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. ⁷ You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. ⁸ You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. ⁹ You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.--Deuteronomy 6:6-9