Happy 4th Birthday Nessa Bessa!

Dear Janessa,

Happy Birthday baby girl!  Will I ever stop  calling you my baby?  Probably not.  Prepare yourself.  You are the last addition to our family.  You completed us with your laugh, voice, smile, and hugs and kisses you dole out often and unexpectedly.  You have blessed our lives in so many ways.  This year you have changed in a lot of ways.  You stopped wearing diapers to bed at night, you became a better friend to others since you seem to understand the concept of sharing now and you've made friends at school and at My Gym. 

Lambie is still well loved and a bed buddy I don't see you living without soon.  Last night I took this picture as I sat on your bed and prayed over you.  The big kids weren't here and it reminded me of the night before you were born: how I was sad to have missed Thanksgiving BUT so excited when the Dr. said he would let you come out the next morning.  Last night sleep was hard to come by just like it was on the eve of your birth as I was SO excited to meet this little one that would complete our family.  Janessa Raylene, you are such a gift!

With the onslaught of days passing, all I can think about is how you are growing up right before my eyes and I can't get enough of the activities, crafts, or memories we make.  It's like I  inhale them deeply and I just want more time with my little girl who asks such sweet questions or exhibits such thoughtfulness for others.  I love the way you put your hand on my face at bedtime.  I love how you hook your arm around my neck when I lay next to you.  I love the way, late at night you called to me and you told me, "I wanne be like you.  I wanna be just like you when I grow up mama." It was 12:30 in the morning and I could have missed it but I didn't.  What a beautiful Gift from God to hear you utter those words and to imprint them upon my heart and mind forever so that on the rough days, the long days, the sick days, the grumpy days. . .I can try to be the best version of myself for you.

 Four-years-old and so much I'm learning from you.  Your gentleness and your stubborness, the easy way you love, you hold, you embrace. . .you bring new meaning to ceasing the moment.  There's a reason you are my last.  There's a reason God waited to gift me you. Maybe mom was ready to grab hold of the dream and fully embrace it--be the best mom I can be and realize my mission field is my home front.  Maybe baby.  Maybe. . .

The rest for your eyes only. . .

  I love you in the morning . I love you in the night. . .All my love forever and always.

Mom
Jeremiah 29:11

22 Years Repost

Two years ago I wrote about my Nana passing. Today is the anniversary of her death and she's on my mind so I thought I'd share it again.

I actually don't remember where I was when I first heard the news.
I remember driving to pick up my little brother from preschool.
I remember talk of angels and clouds and heaven.
I remember my grandparents coming over and taking us to dinner.
I remember sitting in the back seat of their yellow Volvo feeling numb.
I remember sitting on my parent's bed with my two brothers watching Beverly Hills 90210 that evening.
I remember now that I had no idea of how my whole life was forever changed.


My Nana had died.

My life would never be the same again.
My dad was different.
My aunt was different.
My Papa was different.
My uncle was different.
Nothing was the same.

Grief does strange things to people.
Guilt does stranger things to people.
Grief and guilt combined?
This can break one.

Twenty years ago today my Nana died.
No more songs sung to me...
"Who's that girl in the pink jacket?"
No more, "I love my Janene Marie."
No more damp washcloths and blessings on car drives.
No more little square gum pieces from the bank.

Pan dulce and grandma's coffee will never taste the same.

But because she died...
I learned early on that sometimes the people we love most can hurt us the most.
I learned that we can honor the dead by honoring their wishes.
I learned that life is short.
I learned that death is not an end.

Twenty years later...
I have a daughter named after her,
a chair reupholstered from her living room,
two bird statues from her collection...
but more importantly I have memories.
Memories and lessons learned from the life she lived and the kids she raised.
Twenty years ago today my Nana died.
My life has never been the same since.

Week at a Glance

Last week was short and long all at the same time.  It felt like part of my heart was living outside of my body and I had no idea how it really was doing.  Lene was at Science Camp and as happy as I was that she made it there, a part of me missed her terribly while she was away.  Wednesday night got a little worse as Nessa's nina told us of her plans to leave the country for work. . .again.  I might have cried for that and for missing my girl.  Bottom line:  I cried that night.  Just before bedtime I checked my email and was blessed by these words written by a friend:

Hi Janene,

Didn't want to text you since it's late. My friend is a teacher at _____ unified and she posted something on Facebook about being in big bear for a science camp.  I messaged her that your daughter is there and she knows her. She said they are all having so much fun and your daughter is a sweetheart:) I wanted to let you know I put another set of eyes on your baby girl:)

Jen

I tear up just reading that again because it was such the biggest blessing on that particular night.  God is SO good, I can't get over His timing and peace! It felt so good to have her home safe and sound and hear her recount stories from her time on the mountain. 

While she was away, Bubba and I may have spent some special time together playing checkers and sharing a shaved ice.  It was pretty cool to have a date with my son.  The stories he tells and the kindness from this kid just pours out of him. 

I really need to learn how to take better pictures on my iphone, especially since that's the only camera I seem to carry anymore!  Maybe it's time to pull out the big one--with the holidays rapidly approaching I may just want to capture quality photos and enjoy the moments a little more!

Sunday, ended this guy's Fall football season and the tournament did not disappoint.  It totally felt like a repeat of last year, sitting on the edge of our seats, a tied game in overtime and the first team to score wins!  This year the team pulled it off and walked away as CHAMPIONS!  The stress of it was too much for my pounding head, but it's funny--I think Bubba would have been fine either way.  He's kind of like his dad that way.  He gets over the losses pretty quickly. . .but still what a great way to end a great season.  They went into the tournament in first place too.

 And this little girl's nina is off to traipse the world again.  Opportunity knocked and she has a dream to pursue so she is on the road again. 

She wanted to say good-bye and celebrate an early birthday with her god-daughter so we all ate cake.  Then we said our good-byes and wished her well on her journey.  She has come and gone so much in the past four years that we are all a little used to it.  Her career is a demanding one. An adventurous one.  A lonely one.  But God has placed a dream on her heart that she has to pursue and I'm confident when the show is over, He will show her.  It's just not now. 

A long week.  An emotionally challenging week.  A week in which I relied on prayer and gratitude immensely.  That is the life I want to live--gulping gratitude and praying my way through.

Taking Flight

I woke up to this beautiful sight this morning.  God just greeted me with it and said, "Today will be good."
And it is a good day indeed.  Two months ago, I wondered through this. And today she was brave enough to do this:

She loaded up her things and got on that bus brave face and all. She was ready for Science Camp.

The hardest parts are always good-byes.  Today was no exception.

She held her own until she was seated on the bus and then the tears fell quickly and quietly and all I could do was wave, blow kisses and watch as I tried desperately to hold it together.  This process of letting go is just as difficult for mama as it is for daughter.  We might butt heads and I may wonder aloud where her stubborn streak comes from or that flair for dramatics. . .but at the end of each day: she holds my heart in her hands as I hold hers.  It's a sacred thing, really--this mothering of hearts, shaping of little people who will go out and raise up this kingdom.

Today feels like a huge victory: a stretching of her wings--ready to take flight.  And as painful as it feels for a brief moment when I reflect on the life we've already lived with her. . .I am reminded of the life we have left.  I am reminded of the life she is living today--rooted in our love, our faith, and His promise of the goodness to come.  Today was a good day!

Halloween Hangover

And just like that Halloween is over.  Done.  In the books and the holidays are ready to be unwrapped!  This Halloween was low key since Nessa Bessa had been sick.  The funny thing about it?  According to the kids it was also one of the best!  I love when that kind of stuff happens coincidentally!

Last week, Fall Ball started our season off with dancing and friends.

 Keeping an eye on an almost four year old who has her own friends is rough.  She wants to be big so badly. . .but then there's mom right there capturing shots that just melt me.

Those ringlets in the back--just do me in.  My little strawberry.
The big kids and dad went to the event at church Wednesday night--Nessa wasn't up to it so we picnicked on our bed and watched tv.  I thought it was pretty perfect.  We dressed her up to go to the My Gym party with the big kids where she donned costume #2.

But she wasn't feeling herself so we came home.  We didn't want to push it so she would be okay for the actual Halloween day.

That day, we stayed home and rested up before hitting uncles house and then the grandparents.  It's kind of like a tradition.  Living so close definitely has its perks!

Then back to our quaint, little city where EVERYONE seems to come to escape their own. The trick-or treating is out of control--kids are dropped off by the car loads and it's quite the mad house.  But we live here and we enjoy going to houses of people we know--so we put on our brave faces and head out into the costume chaos and enjoy it.  This year we started and ended at a church two blocks from home.  Our neighbor told us about it and they had free food, games, and the best part?  A magic show.

We could have stayed here all night.  The kids loved it.

Did I mention this one changed her costume again?  She came downstairs after brother had "painted" her face with my eyeshadow--a shade of gray.  So we changed up her costume so she was one happy kitty.

 And finally we met up with some friends and then we lost our friends and then we met up with other friends and we all just did what we do for our kids.  We walked and they went door to door totally oblivious to the crowds.  That cracked me up!

These three littles had to put on their glow necklaces and hold hands the whole time so they didn't get separated.  It was way cute! At the end of the night we went to our friend's house for food and came home by nine.  Daddy still had to work the next day--but the kids and I?  We got a full night's sleep and had no school the next day!  I love that the kids enjoyed it so much.  I was reminded (again) of how fast the time is passing.  I love these celebrations woven into our family tapestry.  I just hope they love them as well and always are a part at some level. This year when they gave me their candy to donate--we took them to Target and gave them twenty dollars to spend.  They were excited and surprised.  We were grateful that for them Halloween is all about the dressing up and gathering with friends. We wanted to gift them something instead of set them up for cavities.  Works for us!

Bronchitis Bound

Somewhere between E being gone for five days and me having to work two days while he was away, this one came down with something.  Friday night was rough weather as a cacophony of coughs echoed throughout her room. All. Night. Long.  Of course it had to be at the start of a weekend.   Doctors office closed.  One parent to take care of it all.  Super typical.

And it turned out being super sacred.  No grandparents or godparents or aunts and uncles checking in on our week alone.  Just us.  The three littles and myself to take care of.  Saturday's fever filled hours awakened in me the realization that at the end of the day all that really matters is in this house that we've created to call home.  These kids being trained up to rely on each other and to be each other's best friends and champions is something sacred.  Knowing that at the end of the day family is all you have is sacred.  The belief that we were created with a story to tell, a life to shine and a love to pass on all starts in our home. This tight knit community we're creating means something to their future.

So bronchitis knocked us down for a bit.  So what? The kids came to their little sister's rescue--reading with her, watching shows with her, holding her hand, bringing her soup. There is something sacred in the sick: the silence, the stillness, the snuggles, the droopy eyes, the neediness, the clinginess, the comfort offered, the comfort received.

 It was a super long weekend and a super sacred one as this little sicky taught me something yet again. 

"Beloved, I pray that all may go well with you and that you may be in good health, as it goes well with your soul." ---3John: 1-2

Sometimes We Forget

Dear Kids,

I'm sorry that sometimes the adults you're with, myself included, forget that you are just kids.
We've somehow let the world get the best of us and instead of growing old gracefully. . .we grow old and forget.
We forget what it's like to feel the mud in between your fingers as you make mud pies.
We forget the feeling of invincibility as you look out from the tree house so close to the sky.
We forget insects and little critters are both interesting and important.
We forget that building tents  to hideaway in means an empty linen closet and help refolding. 
We forget the joy you feel when you're playing house and acting like the grown up.
We forget the loud screams and yells that deafen will soon be met with silence.
We forget the mess you leave in your wake will one day be gone for good.

And forget about it.  Shrug.
Our loss.
Our mistake.
Our relationship that could have been strengthened and love filled and joyous becomes just another missed opportunity: part of  the reason we've allowed ourselves to forget anyways.

I'm sorry for the times I've made you feel badly about just being kids.
Run further, laugh louder, play harder, play messier, imagine wildly, gulp in gratitude for this gift that is your youth!
And the rest of us will just have to deal with it.

You're only young once, love bugs. Dig in.  Dig in deep!