Easter 2023

He is risen! Stay risen!

It's in the darkest hour when your thoughts catch up with you. I've been awake since three am. I didn't even try to go back to sleep. Instead, I've been reading these snippets of a life that seems forever ago. I hope one day these blog posts serve as a reminder to my kids of the good life we have been fortunate enough to live.  Maybe it is in this season of mourning that these memories are especially comforting. They remind me,  that was before. This is now.

We just celebrated our first Easter without my mom and brother. To be honest, we have not typically celebrated Easter together since my parent's divorce five years ago so it didn't feel  that  different. I remember the first Easter after they separated and knew being together would be too hard for us, so we began to visit and stay with E's family out of state. It was the one holiday, I told my Mom we had to have with his family. She understood. This year we actually were on a camp trip to wind down multiple conflicting spring breaks. It was good for my senses to be out in nature. I love the beach. My brother loved the beach too. My mom, not so much. . .but she was a good sport about it. The sunrises and sunsets were painted masterpieces across the sky that I needed to see: God's glory in full effect during Holy Week.

We went to church later than usual. We ate dinner with my Dad and Anthony, texted with our oldest and his wife. Lene and I visited Uncle Craig because I know my Mom would have. I missed seeing all the cousins together, but I was right where I needed to be. I'm in a season that needs to figure out what I need. I am missing the people who I shared the most life with. I am giving myself permission to be where I need to be. I am giving myself permission to be who I need to be. I am asking questions that need to be asked as I'm on the rounding up to fifty spectrum. We are making plans just in case, because. . .we've experienced tragedy and then tragedy again. We can never be too prepared.

It's four am. I go to the gym at 5:30. I work at 7:45. In this quiet moment, thoughts of my past bring me comfort and joy. Grief is lonely, even when you are blessed with the most incredible friends, you feel alone in your struggles. Grief and joy, such conflicting emotions as a son readies to turn 18 and graduate. Life keeps moving forward. Ready or not. What is it I want most? Where do I want to go? How do I want to live? These are the questions my three am brain yearns to answer. This post is all over the place. . .kind of like my sleepy three am brain, I guess.

Easter 2023

Uncle Craig: Easter 2023

Weekend Warms Up

This weekend we got out of dodge. . .again.

I must say, the desert sky did not disappoint.

The rides in the Polaris were plentiful and a step up from Driving Miss Daisy, because E wants to keep me coming back.  So none of us complain.

Little and Kendra drove up for the day and joined us.  They are such troopers.  It is a true JOY to have our whole family together. 

The rock climbing was abundant.  The mine was really cool to explore until we saw a rat.  Then I may have run out screaming with all the kids at my heels. . .

Janessa was so excited our neighbor was there.  They are the same age and just love every minute they have together.

Night skies and roaring fires were a nice touch to the already full weekend.  I didn't read nearly anything I brought, but I made memories, had face to face, intentional one on one kid time without the distraction of devices, and a genuinely good time. 

Friends are the family we choose.

Sometimes it takes being away from it all to be reminded that who you are as a family is enough.

Desert trips are not generally my favorite, but I am realizing maybe the desert wasn't the problem. . .it might have been who we were sharing it with. 

Filled with gratitude for the opportunity to be away, surrounded by God's glory with all that I need.  

Week and Weekend Refreshment

This season of Lent is finding me still.  In my desire to refresh and restore, I'm not having too much to say. The in and out rhythms of our days are not as full as before, but work still beckons to be done, meals to be made, dances to dance, and stories to tell.  All of which have taken place among our four walls lately. . .and at our marriage ministry and my MOMS group at church.  God is slowly, painstakingly slow. . .working out the details in the lives we love.We're just trying to obey and keep our circle close and draw near in prayer. Lord knows, we all could use more of that.

 I've found a lot of little ways to sneak in one on one time with the kiddos lately.  Yard work and an estate sale with this guy, followed by reading outside on the couch.  I love that we had this Saturday afternoon together!

 Adventuring around a local city on a minimum day meant the discovery of a local memorial and a train museum!  The docent was so knowledgeable and it was so interesting!  I am glad we stopped!

Sam's club runs with a churro and soda from time to time, never hurt anyone.  I love how Bubba asked if we could take an "us-sie" as opposed to a selfie (I assume).

During bible study, they needed some extra help in child care, so I showed up.  I loved watching my girl sing her little heart out, "I've got that JOY, JOY, JOY, JOY down in my heart. Where? Down in my heart! Where?  Down in my heart!"  I loved being a part of her study and she was happy I was there too!

 Volleyball season is over so we celebrated at Shakey's.  I love that Lene has found a sport she enjoys.  I love that it's not super competitive and that she is learning more each year.  I also love that it's one hour of practice each week, and one 45 minute game.  That leaves more time for the family stuff that fills me so!

This weekend found us among friends who get us.  Friends who it's completely okay to be ourselves with, no apologies for our beliefs or our desire to shield our kids from the really hard stuff that there will be plenty of time for later on. . .friends who are just a JOY to be around.  And we get them.  The beauty of the mountains surrounded us and deep breaths of gratitude, solitude, and harmony were mine for the gulping Having all the kids together for the day meant a lot to us.  It's that reminder that we need to keep presenting opportunities for our kids to be together to build within them the desire to like their siblings as friends.  That is so much easier said than done, but certain moments like last night, around the ice skating rink when Little and Kendra stood with Janessa to watch the big kids, they all flocked together and I just had to capture the moment.  It was genuine happiness in their being together and it shows on all their faces. . .except Anthony, because it looks like he blinked BUT I know that kid worked his tail off to be able to go this weekend. There were some assignment issues he needed to get verification from three teachers about.  And he did.  He wanted to be where we were. . .and it was a great weekend together!

Even Coco joined in on the fun!

Escaping

Sometimes one doesn't realize how much they have missed nature until they are back in it.  It sucks you in: in its brilliance and shades of yellow, brown, and gold.

It beckons you with the breeze through tree leaves, crisp and clean.  I breathe in peace and tranquility, exhale stress and chaos.  It really has a magical effect on me.

Walks to be taken, exploring the beauty before us.  Chilled noses and finger tips but we adventure on.  Soaking in His glory. . .

Rocks to skip, creeks to cross, dandelions to pick. . .the possibilities endless when you venture out into the unknown and play a while.

Camp fires to get lost in the glow.  Snuggles, smores, and stories around it.  Drawing you in for warmth and to experience the closeness you might miss on occasion.

 Card games and coloring go hand in hand with camping.

Ice skating and laughs with friends follows.  Being together is a sweet break from the realities of our world.

Driving home with noses buried in books, gearing up for the crash that sometimes comes after a weekend filled with delight and goodness.  Extremely thankful for the gift of this time, for our togetherness, for friends we are blessed to do life with, for peace and for the opportunity to make memories that will last for our kids. Family. Memories.  Doing life together.  Some of the best parts of my life.

4th Annual Father's Day Trip

Our annual camping trip almost didn't happen due to a big fire in JM's RV.  So although this trip didn't look like the others did, it was a nice get away nonetheless and a feeling of gratitude was expressed because the fire thing could have ended so much worse than it did.  The RV is destroyed, but their whole family is safe.  That's all that matters in the end.

Little and Kendra joined us both days we were there.  So did Alan.  Mom cooked all of the meals.  It was such a blessing after so much has been going on in our day to day lives where another family member has been added to our daily mix.  He's six weeks in the adjusting and seems to be a nice fit.

Poor E was reeling from some care giving issues regarding his dad's care, so the trip was off to a rocky start, but a good time was had by all.  I didn't even get pictures of any of us with the dads.  My bad!

 Most memorable to me was my little brother bringing his gear for a drinking game with my dad.  They were hollering and cheering and having fun. 

So much so in fact, that my mom and sister in law decided to compete against them.  I can't recall how it ended, but they had fun. Everyone did.  That's the telling of a great weekend. Camping traditions live on. . .

Weekend of Refreshment

After a nineteen day work streak, E packed us up and whisked us away to a campground with friends.  Our time with these friends was long overdue!  As we pulled away from our house Friday night, after Bubba's football practice, I felt a calm from my head to my toes. Literally.  I inhaled peace and quality time and I exhaled stress and schedules.  Even the traffic on a Friday afternoon didn't get me down. I was so happy to spend time together. 

Being home with the kids is a blessing.  I know this.  But not having my help mate by my side for practices, games, homework, dinner, bedtimes and whatever else comes my way. . .is draining.  It's my dream to be with my babies but I didn't realize that meant less time with my love.  Biting my tongue and not complaining takes its toll on me too.  So this weekend away was the pick me up I needed and the time with daddy that the kids were craving.

Dinner with friends, fishing, swimming, ice cream, smores, bobcat sighting, hiking, and visitors filled our hearts.  Time away from the hum of home out in the great outdoors was refreshment for our thirst.  Happy kids, happy friends, happy husband, happy wife.  Happiest Life.  Thankful.

Sponteneity is not my Strong Suit

I should start and end with that statement.  I was nothing but nerves getting ready for this trip and executing it.  A forty foot RV pulling a Bayliner for the first time is not my idea of a relaxing vacation.  The funny thing is, I do nothing to get us where we need to go, but I still stress the entire way.  For reals.  However, I must admit that this was probably one of the best family trips we had taken for two reasons: it reminded me of my youth.  Every summer we spent a week here with a large group of family and friends.  Second, we were all together, even Little and Uncle-Nino were able to join us for the full five days!

 Lake Nacimiento, up near Paso Robles is huge!  This trip we brought our boat as did the boys.  We were able to get a spot right on a bluff so the boats were kept there every day and we were able to walk down to our day camp.  The camp sites are first come first serve--so I was a little nervous about that too.  Back in the day my family camped in tents.  We didn't have to navigate the big rv thru the camp site looking for spots.  Come to think about if, I didn't have to navigate it this time either.  Thank God for Ernie!

Grandma and Grandpa made a day trip.  I think they had fun and thought it was worth it.  Hanging out in a cove, blaring the Beatles and Lene Bean singing, "All You Need is Love" is pretty fantastic!  That picture of me on the tube?  That was me showing the kids I know how to have fun too.  I'm not always just stressed out and worried about what-ifs.  I think my fun face needs a little work.  Just saying. 

For the record, camping is a lot of work.  I was the lone adult female with kids and guys.  I realize I have it waaaay easier than my mom did.  Can you say air conditioner and microwave?  But it is not the kind of trip where there is nothing but exploring to do.  Kids have to be fed. Right?  But it is alo the kind of trip they will always remember. Long, lazy days on the lake.  Inner tubing. Floating on rafts. Building forts in the sand.  Camp fires and dirt galore. 

I can't forget to mention how much ALL of our kids enjoyed the boat.  Another worry factor was the fact Nessa had never been boating.  I need not have worried at all.  She LOVED it!  I was almost in tears one afternoon just overwhelmed by the joy on all their faces as we played in the water and cruised the lake.  It hit me at some point, my word for the year fearless was being played out in the lives of my children therefore I was joining with them in the adventure. 

Adventure after adventure it was.  I am so glad three male minds conferred in our back yard and decided to just go for it. . .worried woman and all.  It just so happened to be the week the people I grew up with were going with their families.  There are a lot of them that have continued the trek annually, and it was nice touching base with them for a campfire one night.  Who knows, maybe next time we will plan in conjunction with them.  Or not. I realized my focus on my family is evident when we are out together like this.  My kids enjoy playing together and exploring together and they like being with us.  We had a blast.  No one was ready to leave (almost no one). . .and I know that they are all at ages now that this memory will last.  We will have to do it again.  They will ask to do it again.  And I'm totally okay with it and will start praying about the anxiety now--so God has a whole year to work it out of me.

Third Annual Father's day Camping Trip

We celebrated Father's Day camping style this weekend.  My parents and brothers came out to hang out and relax in the sun.  It was a beautiful weekend for it.  Some of us walked, biked, fished, read, visited, and enjoyed the great outdoors.  We feasted thanks to mom on Friday night.  She never fails to disappoint.  Steak, salad, bread, grilled veggies, bacon wrapped dates, potatoes. A meal for kings.  I'm glad I was camping with the kings because it was sooo good!

As usual, the cousins enjoyed their time together.  It never ceases to amaze me the lack of fighting that occurs.  They were lakeside constantly.  It dawned on me at some point when they were fishing off the side,  that they really are growing up.  Their need for our help was minimal and we no longer provided their sole form of entertainment.  It's a strange turn of events really. 

With my aging papa, either mom or dad would be gone at night to sleep at home with him.  It's disappointing that their plans have to change because of the caregiving. He is the biggest job my mom has ever had and selfishly, it is one I wish she didn't.  She waged her own battle with cancer eight years ago and won. . .I hate the physical side of her caring for papa.  It is not easy work.  He is simply not nearly as able bodied as he used to be.  I often wonder why aging has to be so difficult.  It's like the mind is willing but the body is weak. It would have been great it he could have joined us camping.  Just a year ago he did.  Getting into the RV's is too hard on his knees now.  It's sad.

We were able to meet up with our old neighbor who now lives up at the lake.  His daughter who just graduated joined us.  Some friends came up for dinner and smores Saturday night. . .and a relaxed, fun time was had. 

It seems the older we get, the more we appreciate each other--my brothers.  For a while, there was this gap--blame it on immaturity, jealousy, insecurity--I'm not sure what it was. . .but the gap has closed and there just seemed to be a peaceful existence among us.  The way it should have always been perhaps.  Overall, a great way for a Father to spend his special day--watching the bonds he helped forged, the children he raised coexisting in peace and harmony, truly enjoying each others company.

And then lately, I've been reading this book Anything by Jennie Allen.  I took the summer off from GMG and am finding my groove back with God.  I am finding it had become a little to much like, let me check this off the to do list.  I needed my relationship back and I do believe there has been a shift.  I have also changed my prayer to Lord, I am willing to do anything you ask of me.  Just clearly let your path be known.  And the funniest thing is happening.  He is clearly opening some doors, I just have to decide whether or not to walk through.  Reminds me of Field of Dreams, "If you build it, they will come."  Crazy, crazy, beautiful the way God works if I'm not too caught up in the busy chaos of it and I quiet down and really listen.

Finally, last night I met up with a former student.  He's twenty-six now and he was in my first class of Freshmen.  I remember him fondly and I enjoyed catching up with him.  I love how his life has turned out. I love that he's doing something he is passionate about. I love that he's found love and happiness.  He deserves to have it even if the whole world doesn't entirely agree.  I love that our conversation challenged me and in a sense grew me to talk of our God who is ALL-loving.  I thoroughly enjoy seeing the young men and women my students turn out to become.  He is no exception.  I consider it pure joy, the realization that I had a part in his educational history.  I find it an honor that he chose to spend time with me, unknowingly picked my favorite restaurant and paid the bill.  What a gift last night was.  What a gift he is to this world.

Life is moving at warp speed.  Boot camp on Saturdays, swimming lessons, park play dates.  It feels like June just started and we're already half through it.  I wake up each morning, reconnect with God and seriously ask for patience and self control.  Staying at home day in and day out with the kids is rough.  Teaching others would be so much easier.  Yes, it is difficult to be a  working mother .  I know.  I was one.  But pouring into my kids day in and day out, loving them in spite of their sinful ways, loving the parts of them that I don't like about myself. . .drains me.  Exhausts me. Beats me up.  But it's still my job.  And for now it's a job the Lord is calling me to do.  And I keep praying I will do anything.  For now, they are my anything.  The days are long, but the years are short. . .

Camping Club (Kind of)

Not only was our Moms in Prayer group and book club born during the in between period of Ernie's accident, but a camping trip idea was expressed and then executed this weekend.

It was a celebration of sorts--two school families and Grandma and Grandpa coming together to celebrate a sport we enjoy.  It was a busy weekend for some with baseball games or soccer tournaments, but still we went--seeking relaxation and total freedom to enjoy His country, the beauty that is available at a nearby lake.

There were a lot more kids than mine are used to: ten in total (not counting nightly visitors).  We prayed together, we talked together, the kids played and a pretty good time was had by all.

J and A played so well together, carving out their own eating area and trying to keep up with the big kids.  It warmed my heart to see her having so much fun.  Even a bee sting didn't slow her down, nor did it dampen her spirits.  A little bubble bath and Miss Shelly's boo boo bag fixed everything.

There was bike riding, chalk art, bubbles, walks, duck feeding, and game playing.  There was never a time where there was nothing to do unless you weren't looking hard enough.  The beauty of the RV camping is that you have many of the comforts of home.  The downfall of RV camping is that you have many of the comforts of home: I would love a trip where we are completely unplugged.  No tv or technology, not even at night. Didn't happen this trip as the tv entertained into the darkened evening, after smores and a full day of running around.

There were moments (few and far between) where I could relax for a bit and just take in the scenery.  I could see the enjoyment on my kid's faces.  I could cheer from the sidelines as they played their games and I was even able to get up early and take a little walk with Lene--we breathed in the cool morning air, talking and noticing the little things that God gifted us by being out there camping in the middle of nature.  Those are the moments I will remember.  And I will be gentler on myself with the work that is involved in camping.  If I focus too much on that, I am blinded by the good that comes out of being together in community with other local families, sharing our faith, telling our stories and connecting in real life.  The very thing I have felt was missing was right there in front of my eyes--tangible and tasty, like a feast for a hungry heart, I devoured it.

Camping, such an adventure.  Every. Time.  If you don't take the time to look, you will miss the beauty of the moment.  Lord, please help me to see You in all that I do, all you have gifted me with,  and all who I surround myself with. Amen.