Writing: Word-less Wednesday

Words are floating around in my mind. . .about nothing, about everything.  Pouring in at warp speed, trickling in slow like molasses.  So much to say but nothing to say at all.  I'm all sorts of contradictions right now.  I remember once, a long, long time ago, my little eight-year-old self dreamed about becoming a writer.  I filled books, large and small with words.  Thoughts scribbled across pages, cursive loops and dotted T's. . .even back then I had stories to tell.

Flash forward to the year I took a writing class. . .the kind I had to mail in manuscripts and they would be returned with comments in the margins and editing galore.  Halfway through the course I realized, I didn't enjoy it.  My stories were stifled.  There was no real life to my words, and the grueling process to publish was disheartening to say the least.  So I silenced myself.  I gave myself permission to quit the one thing I thought I had always wanted to do. . .

And now, I don't care if I begin a sentence with a conjunction.  Punctuation might not follow the strict grammar rules of the academics.  More often than not, I don't even care.  The message is generally from my heart.  The happenings are from my own life; and it doesn't matter to me how it gets to paper; it just matters that it gets there.  There is something so beautiful about going through our blog books and seeing pictures accompanied by words--whatever they say, however, grammatically incorrect they are. It's my story and one that calls to be told.

Words written on paper express the details of our lives.  And our lives are so good because we are alive to live them.  I'm still here in this space. . .words are just floating around in my mind. . . .about nothing, about everything.

Our first outing in the Polaris enjoying God's creation.

Savor the Silence

This is the third Thursday in a row that I have had a whole two hours to myself before my students arrive. Grandpa has laid claim to Janessa.  She calls this their lazy day and she is ever more conscious of the days of the week now.  I hope it is a date that will be withstanding, as this could very well be their last opportunity to pour into her without the schedules and demands of a regular school day.  Following a day of illness, the options that loom before me are varied.  The band upon my wrist taunts me to get outside and walk--to make up for the steps missed while in bed yesterday.  My book for book club beckons me--two chapters to go.  Two chapters echoing THIS is my best yes.  A house could be cleaned, laundry completed, lessons to plan for what is probably my last semester of homeschooling for my little one; yet, I sit.

I have blessed my husband as he left for work, prayed for a friend interviewing about a Masters program.  I have read about loaves and fishes, and Peter walking on water.  I have worked out, washed breakfast dishes, blessed kids as they walked off to school.  We've kept a meeting with our ES and reflected on our month of learning, I've taken a forgotten lunch and book to school, I've chatted for a few minutes with two girl friends, texted encouragement to a couple of others and it isn't even 11 am.

And now, as my music plays softly in the background, a smile plays on my lips as my eyes gaze lovingly out a window with a view of tall trees and mountains looming in the distance...I'm just thankful for this one moment.  This opportunity to live this life.  All the petty problems and annoyances with people or situations, in the scheme of it all mean nothing. With only an hour remaining before my writing class begins--I will sit and savor the silence.  I will relish in the revelations of my thoughts.  I will contemplate my days and God's use of my gifts. I will look forward to the future, while at the very same time enjoy the gift of now.

There is wonderful joy ahead--1 Peter 1:6

A Dream is a Wish your Heart Makes

There were a lot of thoughts about wishes today as another candle flickered on a birthday cake. . .my birthday cake that welcomed me to the last year in this decade known as my thirties!  Wow!  It was an extremely busy day, but a blessed one for sure as I participated in twelve prayers for my heart, which was sponsored by an Instagram friend and the perfect way to ensure extra special blessings on myself today. It felt like the perfect gift to give myself: focused, intentional prayer.  I've come a long way in my thirties, that much is true!

Being so busy with all of my kid's things today felt like a huge blessing instead of the dread I originally felt.  A friend had recently asked me to pray for a close friend of hers: a mama of a one and four year old who had a cancer reoccurence. She is younger than me and she died yesterday.  Just like that my little pity party about not having a day that centered all about me disappeared and I made a decision to look at all these activities to do with my kiddos as the best gifts of all.

And yesterday, the big kids came over with flowers and cake and encouraged us to go out to dinner by ourselves; we might have just ran out of the door!

But I'll never tell: )

I was spoiled rotten with things I don't need but I appreciated the effort E put into choosing gifts I would love.  He is the best gift giver ever. It helps that he knows me so well.

This morning I headed to a field trip with Jonathan.  I love that at nine years old he still wants me to go.

He is such his uncle's mini-me

I might have sent out a text to my people about 11:15 for a spontaneous lunch date in downtown.  Low and behold ALL of them showed up!  I love when it happens like that--totally last minute because I cut out of the field trip a little early to relieve grandma from her babysitting duties and I got to see my friends for lunch!
Perfection.

Gymnastics followed, as did multiple pick ups, and then volleyball practice.  We rushed home to get Lene ready for her first choir concert.  A good friend took her and grandma went to watch the show.  Know what exciting thing I did?  Showered, sat in the back yard watching Janessa and Jonathan play.  Corn dogs for dinner all around.  Might not be everyone's idea of a great birthday. . .but it worked just fine for me!

Today I enter my 39th year keenly aware of the fragility of life and the fleeting moments I have with my littles.  My dream of being home with them is more than just my mere physical presence.  I want to be truly present, without distractions, and experiencing my life the way my heart longs to live it.  I'm one year closer to kicking my people pleasing self to the curb.  39 and feeling better than fine about the life I'm living and all that it entails.

Happy Birthday to Me

Rounding up and realizing I'm closer to 40 than my kids are to any major milestone is odd.  I celebrated a blessed thirty eight years yesterday. It's funny the older you get the pomp and circumstance of the festivities tend to fade.  Since Everyone has a birth story, I enjoyed my own by reading it aloud to the kids.

The day started with my mom's annual Happy Birthday sing aloud--sore throat and all.  Within two hours of waking I needed my dad to save the day and kill a rat that Coco had cornered in the back yard.  Gross!!!  I was then blessed to sit at the breakfast table among new friends and old friends.  We've shared stories, lives, children and hearts the span of twenty-two years and some over the course of the past year, but true friends nonetheless.  Text messages throughout the day, flowers on doorsteps, an hour worth of snuggling with a new book fresh from my Amazon wish list filled my heart with peace.  All were thoughtful, meaningful gifts by girls who know me.  They know my heart and I was so very filled with gratitude.

And finally, a birthday dinner at a restaurant that Ernie planned by himself.  He invited the family.  He made the reservation. He brought the cake.  He did it all for me.  And again I was filled with gratitude.

And since it's my tradition to write letters to my kids on their birthdays, I thought I'd write one to myself, just because. . .

Dear Janene,

Happy 38th birthday!  Happy 38 years of a blessed existence and counting.  Happy day, oh happy day!  My dear friend,   I feel I can call you that now.  Over the course of your thirties you and I have reconciled the past and moved forward to days turned months turned years of a peaceful and happy coexistence.   You've forgiven yourself for the wrong roads, road blocks and stumbles of your twenties and embraced the life of love that God had waiting for you all along. 


God chose you for this husband and these kids. He picked you to be really good at something--your profession: teaching. He then gifted you the opportunity to walk away.  He's transitioned you slowly to see that where you belong is right where you are in your home that is warm and inviting, loving and inspiring.  He has given you this invitation to pour life and love into your family.  He trusts you.  He trusts this calling on your life and He expects nothing less than your best.  Give it to them.  Give it for Him.  Give it to yourself.  

Remember what Sharron Lindsay said years ago in her office.  Dreams can change.  The paths we take to get to said dreams can look different than what we originally thought.  The beauty of your life now, Janene is if you choose to let Him lead you, the map of your life can truly be your mission work... your anything you've been praying for.  Look at all the little in your daily life and count it as BIG!  Little moments, sweet words, a look, a strawberry kiss, a request to play Barbies, a look of a hurting child as she crosses the street to come into your embrace, a call from the nurse, their voices reading aloud their devotional over crumbs on the table and spilled  milk, homework that you must google to know how the heck to do, laundry: lots of it, and dinners cooked in crockpots or with your helper by your side.  All these seemingly small moments you're not missing out on.  You have the honor and privilege of doing the work He has created and called you to do,  Listen!  Stop comparing paychecks, or school stories or guilt, or obligation, or basking in the teacher of the year you were in the past.  Be present.  Unwrap the beautiful present He trusts you with every single day.  And Janene, if this one day a week teaching thing is really over next year. . .you can walk away with no regret or fear or anxiety.  If it is done, then that too is a gift He is giving you.  Open it.  

Love Him.  Love the work you do.  Love the people He surrounds you with and LIVE the life He expects you to live.  Your kids are watching you.  They see the parts of you that are rough around the edges.  They also are your biggest fans.  Love yourself Janene, just as you are--flaws and all.  This body birthed those babies.  this body is healthy and filled with heart and soul.  Appreciate it.  Take care of it.  Live in it and live in it well.

Thirty-eight years and living the life of your dreams.  You are extraordinarily blessed, my friend.  Use that blessing to bless, love, and inspire others.

Love Always,
Me

Ernie captured this.  Us: This morning. Enough.

May 14, 2012

Mother's Day was a great one this year!  I had arranged for my family to come for brunch to our house; however, plans were derailed when our dog got sprayed by a skunk early Saturday morning.  The stink stuck around, so at the last minute my parents were gracious enough to welcome us back to their home for our brunch activities.  After meeting at mass bright and early, we started our day full of leisure fun and family time!!

After we ate, we did a little of this (one could have mistaken today for Father's Day, I tell you--kidding!!)

Then played a little of this.  No need to discuss the champions.  I'm sure a rematch is in the near future!  I'd love to show some pictures of the fun in the sun that the kids had--which included a home made slide from the skateboard ramp-- into a small pool of water. . .but I can not because Naked Nessa refused to keep any clothes on at all--practically the entire time.  At some point she finally decided to keep her panties on but trying to get a picture of them all on the swing was kind of quite a feat!  So, this is what I got, and even though they don't exactly look like they are getting along. . .one of the best things about today was the fact they got along so incredibly well from ten to six!  That's a lot of hours and NO NAPS!  We all relaxed in the back yard talking and telling stories and playing games, exactly what every Mother's Day should be about!

The home made presents from the kids were so meaningful and priceless!  Both have stories behind them and both will be gifts I treasure and hold on to. . .for years!! You hear that, Mom?  I swear I don't throw away everything!!

Today was a great day--everything about it was wonderful!  As I sat in the backyard of my youth---reminiscing about our younger years and discussing the challenges of parenting, it kind of hit me:  This life I've been blessed with must be celebrated daily!  This gift of motherhood, full of so many joys but yet such crushing revelations about my own selfish desires and ways surface day after day.  But all of this brings me closer to Him--leads me to my knees to to rely on his grace.  This gift of grace He gives me freely.  He gives me daily. I must celebrate it! 
Happy Mother's Day every day! Make them Extraordinary!

I sure plan on it!

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.--2 Corinthians12:9

September 16, 2011

Ready for some Do-It-Yourself fun?
My big girl and I needed some girl time and I came across this on the blogosphere. . .

All you need is nail polish, rubbing alcohol, clear top coat, and newspaper.

First, paint nails. I used soft pink.

Let dry.

Cut out nail size bits of newspaper to apply to nails.

Dip nail into rubbing alcohol. . .or any type of alcohol you might have in the cupboard

.

Apply newspaper to top of dipped nail and press gently.

Voila. . .paint clear top coat.

May need to remove ink from fingers with nail polish remover.

Fun, easy, different!!

September 12, 2011

I may be back in the work saddle,

but I've also carved in a bit of me time.

Amidst the chaos of our unclean home, my husband knows the less time I have to spend looking 

at it. . .

the better.

So I went to dinner with a group of moms who met when our first graders were in preschool.  

Even though most of us go to different schools we still get the kids together on Fridays to head to the park.

Saturday night I was able to meet up with two college friends.

They are both single moms and have daughters in middle school.

I love listening to the trials and tribulations of tweens.

I feel like it will help me as a mom and teacher.

It's not often I get photographed. . .so here I am all dressed and ready to go.

Notice the hair cut is nice and fresh after a four month hiatus.  

I do believe I've reached the medium length!

Woo Hoo!!

When mama is happy. . .

Everyone is happy: )

June 15, 2011

Their last day of school was a pirate extravaganza.

Most pirates were excited about the last day of school.

Not this one.

As their teacher was given her end of the year gift, the presenter was saying, 

"Didn't you all have a wonderful year?"

Surprisingly, my easy going child with the sweet heart,

was shaking his head, no.

Mortified, I waited until the presentation was over before approaching him to ask what that was all about.

His eyes filled with tears and he opened them wide, fanning them so no tears would fall.

"I don't want to go to leave kindergarten."

He has grown quite fond of Mrs. Butkus.

He was sad to say good-bye,  but he put on a happy face for this picture.

If I wasn't such an amateur photographer, I could have captured the tear that escaped.

But I didn't.

Oh well, we will hope for none of those as we get ready for the first grade anyways.

Sidenote:   
I am very goal-oriented.  
My entire college experience was accomplishing one goal after another.
I began teaching at twenty-one and continued to further my education with my Master's Degree in Education.
Then I continued for a second.
I received it in Master of Science: School Counseling.
During this time I continued working full time at an elementary school.
I was loving it. . .I moved up with most of my kindergarteners to first, then on to second, and finally even third.
I was so attached to that group of kids.
However, in order to make my goal of becoming a school counselor--I needed to move on. Now.
I was about to, except my wonderful principal pulled me in her office and told me something that I will always remember.
She told me my goals were admirable, but there wasn't just one path to get me there.
I didn't have to check off everything from my list in such a timely, even hurried manner.
If I enjoyed what I was doing (teaching) now, there would be plenty of time for counseling later on.


I was so fixated on the end result that I wasn't savoring every second of the journey.
Looking back, her words have served me well.
I often wonder if I had just kept going down my checklist, would I have missed my opportunity to work part time so I could be home more with my kids?
Would I have been so entrenched in my work that I wouldn't have been able to walk away?

I wonder sometimes.
Where is this thought process coming from you wonder?
Lately I've been thinking--I started this daily blog to get to know my Canon better and to document our daily lives in a Project Life book.
The book is coming along--and I feel so freed from scrapbooking per se!!
I am definitely taking more pictures. . .I don't know that their quality is improving...
but who cares?  Not me!
Which leads me to getting past my goal oriented self... 
daily blog.
I'm not so sure it will continue being daily.  
If I put a post up--great.
If I don't--so be it.
Summer is almost upon me and I want to enjoy it.
All of it.
Every second.

I feel much better now that this is off my chest.
Thank you. . .all five of you who read.
I'm doing this to document our lives.
I have to live it in order to capture it.
I am freeing myself from the daily responsibility of posting.
Now let's see if myself really listens!!!

June 10, 2011

I love getting things in the mail--even if I have to buy them for myself!

My most recent purchase from Lemonade Makin' Mama's etsy shop.

Happy Friday!