Dear Birthday Boy,

My Dearest Bubba Boy,

Nine years old today!  You have been counting down the days to reach your last single digit year. . .and I just wonder how it has gone this fast!  It seems like only yesterday and yet it was almost a decade ago. . .almost.  We still have this last year to celebrate the joy of boyhood and all your super powers!  We have some more time to go where magic fascinates and stumps you all in the same breath.  Actually, I hope you always have a love for all things magic. . .you putting on a show at your sister's fourth birthday party this year is a memory I will always treasure!  Nine years old and you have my heart.  Those eyes of yours absolutely melt me!

I love how this year your classroom is right across the street and every time I open the shutters in my room, I see the twinkle lights and I whisper a prayer for you and your teacher.  I love watching from the front window as you cross the street most days on your own now.  You confidently look both ways a couple times, not quite trusting the long line of cars waiting for their own kids.  You take your lunch every single day. You have outgrown your love affair of peanut butter and jelly and just last month began asking for turkey. You only want a half a sandwich because you want to get on to recess and play!  You don't want to come home for lunch most weeks, and I secretly hope that changes in your last two years of elementary school, but truth be told--it probably wont.  You love recess like most boys do to run and play and be a kid breathing deep California air no matter what kind of weather we have.

You played flag football again. You are so fast.  I encouraged you to sign up for spring ball or track because I felt like you needed to do something.  You chose track because it was only held at lunch recess with only one meet to attend.  Then you surprised yourself by placing first in the relay and second in the 800 and you qualified for the regional meet.  You wore that medal proud that day.  I think you doubt yourself sometimes, and when you saw how well you did, it pumped up your confidence a little bit.  But son, who you are on the inside will always matter more to us than what you accomplish on the outside.

Your loving, kind heart is so obvious to so many people.  You wear your heart on your sleeve and you want to help your friends.  Just this year, you told me you wanted to be homsechooled because you didn't like the way you weren't able to get out of your seat to help people when they needed it. Ha!  You have a way about you that is sensitive to what others feel. . .I love that about you, son.

You like school most days.  You get frustrated by the amount of material you have to read sometimes, and the way I make you rewrite certain things because it is not neat.  I choose my battles wisely with that. You fluctuate with your love of reading.  Sometimes you're really into it and sometimes you just don't seem to find material you connect with.  I've enjoyed reading aloud to you guys.  First the  Bunicula series and now  The Mysterious Benedict Society. You sleep in your bed during the week nights--not by choice but out of necessity for everyone getting a good night's sleep. You don't like being the only room downstairs, can't say I blame you--but you don't want to move either.  We have our roots here and our small house is growing a very tight family.  I love that.

Jonathan, always remember "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." This verse found you in kindergarten when you were in your first play.  I just read and looked at those pictures with pride.  You are a good boy.  You have a kind heart.  You are a world changer and I pray you always follow the path God has for your life.  It will not matter what you accomplish on the outside, all that will ever matter is the lives you change by the love you give.  Let your heart lead you. Shine His light always and have the best ninth birthday year ever.

All my love always,

Mom

From my Journal

Dear Lord,

Holy Week. So much suffering done by you, for me. . .
Yet I reflect on the absolute joy I have been filled with already these two days.  That contradiction boggles my mind.

I am at peace with my decision for next year.  I've been honest with the big whigs who run things.  And I thank you.  Thank you for being enough.  Thank you for making me enough.  Thank you for the gift of knowing home is where I belong.  My sphere of influence here is great and my kids will know how you always work in their lives and how you are all they need.

So much of my adult life has been spent playing it safe.  Not taking risks, not rocking the boat, doing things others expect me to do and doing them well, caring too much what others think. . .and not relying on you for every little thing.

The past six years have prepared me for this moment.  Leaning into you did not come naturally to me; I learned to.  Over the course of these years, you opened my eyes to the beauty that was right in front of me. Thank you.  I could have missed all this:

• The way she moves her head and sings aloud from the back seat as we run errands.
• A weekly lunch date with my oldest little.  Hand in mine as we cross the street.
• The way he has to eat before getting dressed in the morning.  And how he warms himself by the fireplace.
• Noticing his tastes have changed from pbj sandwiches to turkey this month.
• Park dates after preschool.
• Friends coming over to do homework or a full car load of girls to honor choir.
• Picnics of pretend food on the library floor.
• Barbies and Little Pets and make believe galore.

I never thought this was the life for me.  Good thing you knew it all along.  Thank you doesn't seem enough.

Amen

Just because. . .

Writing when the words don't want to come will get you nowhere.

Being who He created you to be can't happen if you're always trying to edit His plans in your life.

Letting go of a job title to lean into motherhood is more complicated than I would like it to be.

Embracing hands free and being hands on is beautiful in theory but hard to practice...all. the. time.

Caring for a sickie is exhausting and exhilarating all in the same breath.

The realization your standards for clean and your kids standard for clean are two different things. . .means middle ground is hard to come by.

Gorgeous weather makes for a happy soul and dreams of adventure to accompany it. 

The kids?  They beg for summer to come quickly.  I beg for it too.  For the last sentences of this chapter to be written and to close this part of my story. 

The thought of the future and the opportunities that await me--excites me as much as it terrifies me.  

I breathe deep gulps of gratitude to be able to walk away from a career in education for a season. . .but then I anxiously explore other options because if I am not a teacher then who am I? I updated my resume--for what? How can I encourage a college education for my girls so that they don't feel guilt if they decide to stay home and raise their own children? Where does my guilt even come from? Sigh.

I tuck it all away and try to focus on God and His plans for me, but then there's the writer's block because I can't really write anything of substance if I don't deal with the thoughts I'm stuffing.  So I un-stuff here in this space. I think about the character education program I have the chance of starting at our elementary school. I think about my TK'er and the opportunity I have to school her at home.  Every day.  For a whole year.  I think about early morning time with my two girls next year. . .how perfect as one goes off to middle school, we will have the gift of an hour together every morning.  I think about not having to lesson plan or grade papers, or desperately plea with parents to do something to help their child to be successful. . .how freeing that sounds!  Sigh of relief.  

Being my kid's mom is enough.  I am enough.  He had this plan for my life all long!!! I'm embracing the role and seizing the opportunity because it's mine!!!  All of it! Blessing upon blessing upon blessing! For seventeen years I've left imprints on the lives of my students. . .now the direction is shifting and I am so excited for the imprints I will leave on the hearts of my children and their friends.

"For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago." Ephesians 2:10 (NLT)

Spring Break Part Two

Hard to believe that Spring Break is over and done with already!  I can honestly say this was probably the best Spring Break yet!  For being a staycation, it was jam packed with a great combination of play and rest! In addition to our girl's mani/pedi day and arboretum, the big littles visited grandma and grandpa one day to watch a movie, so Nessa and I baked cookies in our time alone.

She's almost a pro.  She likes to do everything on her own.  Everything.

That same night I sneaked away for a bible making session with my book club.  Awhile back I had made a Child Training bible that everyone loved but they knew they wouldn't make their own unless we carved out some time for it, which is exactly what we did.  It was a fun, but focused night together.

Thursday morning I surprised the kids with a trip to the canyon to horse back ride.  As of yet, this is something only Anjalene enjoys, but I thought it was the perfect time for Bubba to try it out too.  He loved it!

It was a gorgeous day to be out and it was so much fun to listen to them go on and on and on the car ride home!  That day continued with a spontaneous park day with some of our book club peeps.  I think at one point there were twenty-one kids.  And in the four hours we were there, no one tattled on anyone else the entire time. Victory!

Friday was the perfect kind of adventure that could only be orchestrated with my dearest BFF in the world. She showed up with Starbucks iced teas in hand and we were off on our last day trip of the week.  We headed to San Juan Capistrano Mission.  Such a rich history.  So much more fun with our families together!

We explored, listened to audio about all the different spots and then walked downtown for lunch.  The weather was a little on the cool side but perfectly pleasant to be out and about.  Towards the end of our time there, Nessa got a little attitude and all she wanted was a carrot, which she may have repeated about fifty times! So frustrating, that girl is sometimes!  She must be four or something!

The kids were dying to go to the beach but us moms weren't dying to take them.  We were cold.  Imagine them in their swimsuits splashing around in that freezing water?  We were too close not to set foot on the beautiful sand so we proceeded to San Onofre beach--pulled right up to the water practically and the kids frolicked in the waves. . .in their clothes.  Except for miss Nessa Bessa who proceeded to climb in the car and change once her jeans were wet.  She does not like wet clothes at all!

They had such a great time! I had such a great time watching! They changed into their bathing suits for the ride home--so what if we did it all backwards?  That was all part of the fun! They didn't even complain the entire Friday drive home--which meant a lot of traffic, but I would do it again in a heartbeat because the minute we got home, Lene hugged me and said, "I had the best time! Thanks Mom!" That right there is what it's all about, stepping out of your comfort zone and making memories.  I can not wait for our beach trips this summer.  I say I'm ready for weekly!

I think the best part of this trip was watching our ten year olds together.  Lene and Lo are a day apart and have been destined to be friends like their mamas.  In the fifth grade vernacular, BFF gets thrown around rather loosely.  One week it's with this person, the next it's with that one.  And sometimes it's hurtful that friendships can seemingly change in the blink of an eye.  So it's important that we  both stress to our girls the importance of longevity and investing in years of friendship before anyone earns that title.  They see us and know it's the real deal.  Real friends really do become family. The idea that they knew each other before they were even born is something only the two of them share and it is neat to watch it develop.  As many friends as they have at school, there's just something special about that friend that you consider family.

No one could really narrow down their favorite part about this Spring Break.  Neither could I.  That's what I call successful!

12 Years Today

Once upon twelve years ago, I married the love of my life.

There's a small part of me that wishes there was none of the heartbreak that came before our two lives intertwined,  but without the pain from our pasts, we may not have been able to create the love story that exists today.  I'm blessed to have you, a man that loves all of me and treats me like a princess.  I'm blessed to be living a dream that wasn't born until you and I combined visions for what our life would be.  Raising kids side by side, hands on at home and in their rearing, I know how fortunate I am to do this life together.

Remember how we got engaged after only three months.  That was crazy to everyone else, I'm sure.  But we both just knew. . .and God was seriously a part from the start.  Once I walked away from a miserable five year relationship, I knew what I wanted and what I would no longer compromise.  After having been married and with a child to consider, so did you.  Together, we just worked.  Whole-heartedly.  Side by side.  For better or worse.  In good times and bad. In sickness and in health. . .and here we are celebrating another year.

Marriage is such a gift.  Our kids don't even realize the blessing they are given day in and day out with parents who genuinely like each other and enjoy spending time together.  They have two parents who value sitting down at the table for meals, who tuck them in and pray with them at night, who create family rituals we can all enjoy, who pray for their spouses already, and who demonstrate acts of loving service every single day. They have no idea that this marriage they are witnessing will help shape their own futures as spouses. But we do.

I know some will say marriage can be hard.  But I can honestly say that with you, it hasn't been. Our marriage has been a gift that has helped me get through the hard times life has thrown at me.  Two are always better than one.  Thank you for being a part of my pair.  With time, with prayer, with clear communication, and with patience and persistence our marriage has the ability to shape future generations.  Our love story is part of the legacy we will leave behind and by golly, with the grace of God, it is going to be grand!

We chose each other to love.
We chose to do life together.

E,  I am so happy that every day I make the choice to love you again and again and again.  Best choices of my life. Ever.

xoxox

Welcome

My life these days.

I wouldn't want it any other way.

All are welcome here.  

"As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord."--Joshua 24:15

Restore & Refresh

In addition to putting down my iphone and staying away from Instagram, I also signed myself up for an online workshop during the Lenten season.  "Restore Workshop is a six week online course geared towards adult women who have struggled or are struggling with or want to avoid burnout. It is for any woman who wants to nurture joy within her life and the lives of those around her."  For some odd reason, after a year of book club, and four years of leading a Good Morning Girls group, teaching part time, and mothering around the clock on top of being a God-loving wife. . .I found myself on the brink of burn out.  I was doing, but without the passion and drive that had once fueled me.  My tank was empty and I felt ready to crash and burn.  Unfortunately, those who would suffer most would be my family.

Thank God, I recognized the road I was headed down.  I knew I was distracted.  I knew I was tired of leading.  I knew I was comparing and I also knew that comparison was the thief of joy.  I completed my last session of Good Morning Girls and am on an official hiatus.  Letting go of that responsibility alone made me look forward to my morning quiet  time where I could now FOCUS on the workshop and its daily reflections that were beginning to restore my enthusiasm for my role as wife, mom, and daughter of the King. All the things I was doing in His name,  meant nothing if my heart wasn't in it and I wasn't seeking Him first in my own daily relationship.  Doing something out of habit without the heart, wasn't filling up my tank. Lesson learned. But I will probably need a reminder down the road. Just keeping it real!

Spring break came along at just the right moment and Sunday we spent some family time outside bike riding. I am realizing that I need to keep stepping out of my comfort zones when it comes to fully doing life with my kids.  Dad is the active one, the adventurer, the explorer. . .and some of their best memories I'm not a part of because I've stayed behind or opted to grocery shop or clean.  Really?!!!! These kids are growing up right before my eyes and I better ride bikes with them while they still want me to! So what if the hills around the lake make me nervous!  Get over it, J!

Monday, we had a friend over and the girls got away for some girl time.  Usually Lene Bean is treated to a mani/pedi at her birthday only--it's a ritual my aunt started with her when she was about five.  But Little's girlfriend had offered to take her. . .and she really wanted to go, so I jumped right in and said we would all meet her there.  Even Nessa had her nails painted and adorned with polka-dots. Sometimes it's a nice surprise to do the thing you don't usually splurge on!

Lunch concluded our girl time out together.  The rest of the afternoon was spent with the kids singing, dancing, collecting worms, playing house, playing tennis, and just a jovial time of kids being kids!

Today I knew I wanted to cease another free day, but what to do, what to do?  Val's sister-in-law recommended the arboretum.  I can't even remember the last time I was there, so off we went.

Ten kids and SO much to see. . .it felt refreshing and rejuvenating to be outside enjoying God's beautiful earth.  I loved watching the kids explore. I loved exploring beside them: turtles, waterfalls, peacocks, the scent of orange blossoms. . .add someone else's kid sinking in the mud into the mix and you have the complete trip!  It's not an adventure unless something unexpected takes place!

Sometimes some cousin time is just what the doctor ordered!  Add to that the realization that true friends really do become family: love and friendship are blessings we should not take for granted.  I love that this bench shot serves as that reminder.

I'm always taking the pictures, but today I wanted to reflect and remember this day trip that refreshed my soul.  I felt so happy to be with my kiddos today. 

After, we went out to eat and then headed home to tell daddy all about our adventures. While Lene worked on some research for a school project, Nessa requested some homework so we did a little shared writing activity.  I think we make a great team!

And as if the day could have been any better. . .my biggest littles began writing stories about a concept that they had discussed with their grandpa over a month ago: Mrs. Pimplebottom.  It was awesome to see them working side by side, totally engaged in the adventures they were creating.  Neither wanted to go to bed--they were THAT into their stories.

I have come to expect this creativity from Anjalene. . .but Bubba?  Tonight was new for him. He may have lifted a few ideas from listening to his sister's read aloud to me, but all in all, he was really into it and excited about his creation. I love their imaginations! 

Tonight's takeaway:  We all have stories to tell.  Just as we all have a life to live.  It can only  be our best life if we avoid comparisons with others and try to stay true to who God is calling us to be.  I love that when I stop listening to outside influences and the goings on of others, I feel most able to hear God's voice in my own life.  Let's just say, I've been hearing a lot lately. . .but I'll save that for another post. Two days into Spring Break and my soul is definitely being restored!